Rage
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise or anything affiliated with it.
A/N - This is not a happy little one-shot. It was written from a prompt on Tumblr to help a friend going through a very rough time, and although there's essentially two pairings in it, the story's focus is pain, betrayal and, as the title states, anger. This ain't no romance, kiddies, so if that's what you're here for, back away now. You have been warned.
Sirius screamed. He screamed until his throat felt raw. He screamed until the birds rose in a swarm from the trees. He screamed until his chest felt compressed and he wasn't able to breathe, his vision wavering and his legs giving out. And still he screamed more, the sound dying into a low, growling moan, petering from him but somehow never stopping, because a scream like that shouldn't stop. It should never go away. The feeling, the pain, the anger, it would never go away, so why should he stop expressing it?
It didn't make him feel any better. Not deep down, in his gut. In his heart. But it let the world know that something wasn't right, and Sirius didn't want to be alone in this feeling. He wanted the universe to see him shaking with rage.
He wanted him to see him shaking with rage.
But that wasn't possible, was it?
"Padfoot."
"Go away, Moony," Sirius hissed through his teeth, fists clenched into tight balls at his sides, body folded double, trying, trying, trying to force the sound out. He had to know. He had to. He couldn't tell him face to face; he couldn't see him face to face. Not again. He'd punch him if he did.
He'd beg him if he did.
Why the fuck did his life always have to turn into a steaming pile of hopeless, never-ending horse shit?
"You know I'm not going to do that," came the quiet reply, and Sirius laughed around the breathless scream, his cheeks wet.
"Of course you're not. You're loyal, aren't you, Moony? Loyal as a fucking dog."
"Says the man who turns into a dog."
Sirius laughed again. When a sob broke through, he snapped his mouth shut and swallowed it back, gulping at air until he was almost hyperventilating. A hand touched his shoulder and he jerked away, scrambling to his feet and latching onto the heavy, drenching anger the pain was trying to overwhelm, still bent at the middle. It was the only way to keep the rage front and centre.
He needed the rage to be front and centre.
If he let the pain win, he'd drown.
"Did you know?" he asked in a harsh whisper, eyes flicking up and pinning the just-rising Remus, whose face shifted through a number of different emotions before going carefully blank. A growl ripped through the air and Sirius began to pace, the sound following him like a clinging, black tail.
The tips of his fingers felt hot.
"You did. You fucking knew. Fuck you, Remus, you fucking knew!"
"He's my friend too," Remus said very quietly, then stood his ground when Sirius whipped around and was suddenly right in his face, the movement so quick he could have apparated. His best mate was only very slightly shorter than him, but at that moment, Remus was the one tipping his head back. "I'm not saying what he did was right, Sirius. It was a fucking shitty, awful thing to do. He should have told you before things got too serious-"
"It was always fucking serious!" the other wizard sneered, not even sure if he was talking about his and James's relationship, or James and Lily's. Both, probably. He knew, he knew, that James had a thing for Lily; he'd always had. From the very first moment, she'd been the perfect creature in James's mind, and it didn't matter that James spent most nights in Sirius's bed, Sirius's lips sealed around his cock and his moans echoing through the dorm room when they'd forgotten the silencing charm. It didn't matter that he stayed in Sirius bed afterwards and they woke up together, wrapped around each other as if they'd never let go.
It didn't matter that Sirius had given his best mate in the whole world his entire heart and that his best mate knew that. Because Lily Evans was the perfect creature, and the instant she crooked her finger…
Sirius knew all that. He did. He'd known it was inevitable, but he hadn't known… he hadn't known...
"Fuck!" he groaned, pressing his too-hot fingertips into his eyes, his heart slamming too fast. Too hard. It always beat too fucking hard and he didn't want it to beat. He didn't. Not when it brought such burning, soul-destroying emotion with it. He didn't want it. He didn't.
Why did he always have to feel so thrice-damned much?
Hands wrapped gently around his wrists. "You need to let it out."
"No," Sirius growled, shaking his head like the dog he was, fingers still pressing into his eyes. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
"I am!"
"Sirius-"
"I'M FINE!" he bellowed, and movement made him dizzy, and his arm was out, and his too-hot fingertips tingled, and his snarl was loud, and the tree the birds had taking flight from split in two with a loud crack, slicing right through the centre. His chest heaved with something that felt a lot like joy tinged heavily with satisfaction and embracing the feeling, he turned to another tree and let the magic fly.
The scream came back as he destroyed the forest behind Remus's pokey little house. Because this was right. This was right. His wand still tucked away, he hugged the rage to him and allowed it to erase any trace of pain and suffering. The rage was what he should be feeling, not the hollow, empty-headed nothingness that was trying to suck him under.
The rage was safe. Remus's hand on his back, Sirius let it consume him. Fuck James. Fuck him. Fuck him.
If this was what love felt like, he was fucking glad he'd been kicked to the curb.
He was.