A/N: Before we start, I have to say how hard this was for me to write. Every time I read over it, I had to tweak some detail. It's funny, because usually my writing just flows out of me and I'm so proud of it that I barely have to change a thing. This one, though, gave me some trouble. I guess because it hits so close to home, and I'm still trying to deal with my feelings about it. I'm not incredibly proud of this one, but I'm going to post it anyway because I feel like I should get it out there. I don't know how to describe it. This one is very dark, at least compared to my other ones. For those who are going through things like this, I can only say that time makes you stronger, and that we are survivors and we are fighters. Keep fighting; don't let this destroy you. No one has power over you unless you let them. And finally: We are all stronger than we know.
Warnings: MAJOR trigger warning for past sexual abuse. Seriously, don't read if you don't think you can handle it. I won't be offended.
OoO
Phil loves to touch, and Dan does not.
Dan vaguely remembers a time when he could touch people and not flinch. He used to be so happy, so carefree; touches were warm and light and butterfly-feeling. Warmth radiated from his heart each time that someone kissed him, or hugged him, and he reciprocated with all of his being. Life was good, and love abounded.
Now he finds himself cringing inside and trying not to visibly flinch away from people. He knows that they have good intentions, but his chest still constricts painfully and his palms sweat and his body stiffens. Mostly people ignore it or tend not to notice that Dan is visibly uncomfortable. Not Phil.
The day that Phil starts to touch him is a milestone of sorts. It's a light pat on the shoulder, innocent and with good intentions, but it still doesn't quench the fear lingering in Dan's heart. He feels ashamed. Phil is his friend, and he would never hurt him intentionally. Dan wants to feel loved; he wants to feel like he can accept the touches (any touches, really) without his mind exploding with fear and pain. But that's not likely to happen, so he doesn't try. Dan is proud that it takes a few seconds for him to flinch away.
The next time Phil touches him, Dan is a little more ready. He has been crying in his sleep for so long that he doesn't know when it began and when it will end. Apparently Phil hears this time (was he really that loud?), and a warm hand covers his own. Dan's fingers twitch as he aches to pull away but knows that he'll offend Phil if he does. So he just lies there, his mind torn between wanting comfort and wanting to push Phil away. Dan stares at a red stain on his bedspread. The older boy whispers soothing words to him that only make it worse.
It all stems from that encounter. Dan tries not to think about it too much; if he does, he just ends up depressed and sad and thinking dark thoughts about pain and heartache and death. His hands are clammy and he has to clutch at his chest to will the feelings and memories away, pushing down on the lid of a box to seal in the Monster that tries to escape. Monsters are never good; they just hurt you and make it so that you can never look your loved ones in the eye ever again. At least he doesn't cry anymore. Not in front of them, anyway.
The third time that Phil touches him, Dan can't stop the hammering of his heart. It's a one-armed hug, slightly awkward in positioning. Dan feels proud of himself that he doesn't even flinch this time. His body leans in like a flower towards the sun, thirsty for the love and attention that lies just out of his reach. Catching himself, he shrugs off the arm. He doesn't need to look at Phil to see the hurt on the older boy's face. The Monster whispers horrible words in Dan's ear, and Dan tries (and fails) to ignore them.
He wishes that Phil could understand what he's feeling. How he doesn't mean to act cold, that he really wants love and attention and feels ashamed of his fears. He also wishes that this never happened to him, and he wishes that he could be happier, at least for Phil. If nothing else, he wants to be able to touch Phil, because he loves him so deeply and so indescribably that he wants to cry from the raw emotions he feels whenever the boy enters his sight. Dan is completely head over heels for Phil, and it hurts because the brunette is not sure if he'll ever be able to touch Phil without wanting to scream. Monsters lurk in your heart and eat away at your brain, making you feel and think things that you never would have before. Dan doesn't care anymore if Phil can hear the sobbing coming from his bedroom.
The fourth time that Phil touches him, Dan's face is buried in the older boy's chest and he finds it difficult to breathe. He's just finished crying, and apparently the walls are too thin in their apartment, because suddenly Phil's pushing past the door and pulling Dan into his arms. God, it feels so good to cry in his arms. Dan is surprised at himself, that he's showing this much emotion in front of someone. He likes it, likes the feelings that it evokes. So he cries, and he sobs, and he tells Phil everything.
Phil waits patiently until Dan is finished, and he is silent for a moment. Each second is a lifetime, and Dan finally looks up into the older boy's face. He almost cries again at the look of utter love, the complete trust in those aquamarine orbs. A tear slides down his face to spite him, but it's only one and Dan knows he's finished crying now. And then Phil begins.
I know.
Dan's heart stops and begins to crack, the pieces falling on the floor like shards of glass.
Phil's known all along, he says. He might not have known exactly what happened, but he got the basic gist. He's been trying for a while to tell Dan how much he cares about him, how much he loves him and wants him to feel safe in his presence. So he started touching Dan, hoping that eventually the bad memories would fade and be replaced by good ones. Happier ones. He loves Dan so much, and he wants Dan to feel his love and not the Monster that lurks within. That's all he ever wanted. Then he asks Dan's permission for a kiss.
Dan is hesitant, but Phil's words give the brunette a confidence he hasn't felt in a long time. So he nods. The kiss is feather light and innocent, just a small brushing of lips. Dan's shaking slightly, but he doesn't feel too bad. In fact, shivers (good ones, this time) crawl along his spine and warmth settles into his tummy and expands to his chest, his body, and his mind. For the first time, Dan is not afraid. He is not awkward, and he is not ashamed. He is loved, and he allows himself to be this time. Dan likes the kiss so much, and it feels so good to finally accept a touch and not think about the past and things that creep up in his dreams. So he kisses Phil again. And again. They kiss until their lips are bruised and a goofy smile sits on both of their faces.
The Monster crawls out of the box; It is angry. Dan sees It huff, feels his skin crawl just at the sight. But then suddenly a warm hand covers his own, and a light spreads from it and envelops Dan's whole form. Flinching, the Monster shies away from the brightness. Dan can see the Monster as it really is: A tiny, shriveled shadow of the past. He raises his hand and the Monster disappears in a brilliant flash of white. It is gone, and Dan looks over to Phil. The older boy's arms open, and a smile lights up his face. Crying, Dan jumps into the awaiting arms and feels his whole body floating. He is loved, he is beautiful, and he is happy. Dan steps into the light and Phil's love surrounds him, healing him from the inside out. The dark haze in his mind lifts, and all Dan can see are blue eyes and a lopsided smile. I've been waiting.