OK, it's a little something, I've wrote, because Poland is America's ally and America treats us really bad. I always wanted my homeland to rebel against American and show them some Polish spirit, so I've decided to write this "what if..."

Sorry, Americans out there. Alfred is a real dick here, but this is how your government treat his own ally. And England is so nice to Poland, because British people like us (maybe now less then few years ago, since our imigrants invade them), because they're finding us honorable, friendly and hard-working.

Poland's 5 reasons to hate America

Poland normally wouldn't it mind that much. Sure, he would be angry for a five or even less minutes, but then he would just forget about it. After all, it was only one pack of paluszki, just a snack, he had bought for a lunch, and it had been ate by someone else, when he was out from Conference Room and left it on a table. It wasn't all big deal. He had money for another pack.

But when Feliks came back to Conference Room and saw Alfred F. Jones eating his last paluszek[1], Pole felt sudden wave of anger and scolded American, who only smiled goofily and ran away to his seat. Poland wanted to come after him and demand the refund or simple apologizes, but the break suddenly was over and Germany reopened the meeting. Poland just cursed quietly and sat on his place. Well, America was lucky, now it was time for more important cases, like crisis, global warming or terrorism.

However, this time the anger didn't fade away, as it should do. When Feliks was occasionally gazing at Alfred's smiled face, he couldn't stop thinking about his unkindness. He forgot about the meeting and didn't paid any attention to Germany's carefully gathered, really regardful data. For the first time in his life, Poland started to analyzing his relations with America. There was five reasons for Pole to hate American, and by 'hate' he meant: 'screwing this pointless alliance, their bosses made in 90s, and finding better ally'.

The first reason was Alfred's ignorance. He was still mistaking Poland with Holland[2] (why, Feliks will probably never know. He and Holland weren't anyhow looking similar). If it was only it, but no! – when this moron had finally realized, he'd again mistook Poland with Holland, he was asking Feliks (even in the middle of the summer!) do the snow in his land is really deep in this time of season. And when Feliks answered, there's really hot in his place, Alfred obviously had to ask: "And how about your polar bears?"

The second reason for hating American – 'Polak's jokes'. Really, this guy had no sensibility at all. Oh, how many times Feliks had heard his calling: "Hey, Holland! Come here! I heard hilarious joke! Do you want to listen?!" After so many years, spent with this jerk, Poland still hoped it won't be Polish joke, but it always was a Polish joke! Feliks was sick of the question: "How many Poles are needed to change the light bulb?". Seriously, there is thin line between auto-irony and offended pride. And there are also some limits of good taste.

The third reason was this unfortunate visas to America. Feliks didn't know, how long his government was trying to derestrict the American visas for Poles, but no matter what kind of support, they were offering for it, Alfred's government was always saying: "No". During every meeting of their bosses, Feliks' leaders were asking Alfred's president about visas, but it always ended with diplomatic excuses.

The fourth reason – this junk he had sent as a F-16. America's lobbyists said to Poland, he will receive the good weapon. Feliks' bosses believed it and bought some of them. When the airplanes landed on the Poland's airport, he found out they were in bad technical state. Did Alfred thought, Feliks was that stupid, that he really wouldn't mind to fly this trash?!

And the fifth, the last reason to hate America – Feliks' consumed paluszki! During whole World Meeting the Pole's stomach was growling, because of hunger, and Poland couldn't just leave the place and buy something (it would be awfully rude), so he had to wait to the very end and then found something to eat.

When America stood up and started to talk about another of his bright ideas, Poland sighted with irritation and looked once again at the very loud, excited man. And Pole felt, like never before, that he was being used, deceived and underestimated. After this few years of relations with America, he felt that it was all pointless, that it hadn't gave him anything in return of his almost dog loyalty. Alfred knew, he had automatically Feliks' support, so he was sure, Pole never turn against him. So he didn't bothered about something like respect. Russia was calling Poland an America's puppet and for the first time Feliks was wondering, if it wasn't a true.

"So, Poland," Alfred's excited scream had taken Pole back to Conference Room. Feliks gazed at him with surprise. "how do you like my plan?"

Even if Feliks didn't know, what kind of plan it was, he did know what kind of response give to Alfred. Green eyes sent American cold glare and blue ones widened a bit with surprise. Poland stood up from his chair and with shaking, but quiet voice, said:

"How do I like your plan? How do I like your plan? You know what I think about your damn plan, America?"

"No." America answered and smiled nervously. "Tell me."

"Możesz go sobie wsadzić w dupę!" Poland screamed.

And then he turned on his heel into entry's direction and with aggravation left the Conference Room. Right now, he was too furious to care about manners. He needed to get away from the American and chill out. For this purpose he went out, took his car and drove through his house.

Meanwhile, in the Conference Room, there was disturbing silence. Everybody were now looking at confused and clueless America, then on each other, and once again on America… No one had any idea, what made Pole so angry, but they knew it had something to do with Alfred. Still the experience of mad Feliks was something really shocking and didn't happen often. Polish was generally hyper, shy or friendly, but seeing him in wrath was rare. The last time had happened, when the Western Mister Newspapers were using the term 'Polish concentration camps' a lot.

Silence was ruling over the room for a good minute, until England choked two times and finally broke it with words:

"Looks like someone woke up the hussar in our fellow Poland." Then he rolled his eyes on the still startled America. "OK, Alfred. What did you do this time?"

"Me? Nothing!" America was defending himself.

"That's impossible." Germany said. "You had to do something really bad to him to make him that mad. Think about it. What could you do?"

"It will take some time." England commented sarcastically. "He never was good at it."

"Well…" American started, robbing his chin. Suddenly he snapped his fingers and exclaimed with excitement: "Oh, now I've got it! That's because I've ate his paluszki!"

"Nah, it can't be that." Lithuania responded. "Feliks would be mad for something like that only for five minutes."

"And he wouldn't said… ekhm… something that vulgar." Englishman added with confusion.

"Wait, wait, wait." Alfred looked at his step brother. "So you know, what he had said?"

"Yeah, of course, I know. His people are coming to me and my brothers for a job. I've learned some… ekhm… interesting sentences in Polish language."

"So, what he said?" American asked. When England was still silent, America encouraged him loudly: "Come on! You're swearing all the time, in the Conference Room and outside of it, and you're ashamed of some Polish courses?"

"OK, but you wished for it, America!" England warned. He chocked again and began to explain: "In free translation it would be like that: 'You can put it into your ass.' It means the same as 'You can fuck yourself' or 'Screw your plan', or…"

"Arthur, enough. We've got it." France cut England's explanation.

"So, it seems that for some reason, you've made Feliks-san upset, Alfred-san." Japan said calmly. "Now, you should apologize."

"But I don't know for what! Will he come back here?"

Lithuania stood up and looked at the parking outside the window.

"I don't think so." He answered to Alfred's question. "His car is gone."

"So it was, after all, because of paluszki?" England said, leaning his back on the wall. He couldn't see Poland, who was working right now in Englishman's bathroom, but he could hear Pole's response:

"No, it was, like, you know…"

"What?"

"A catalyzer. The event that made me think about whole this alliance with Alfred deeper."

"I see…" Arthur couldn't help the understanding smile, even if Poland wasn't able to see it. "So what you figured out from this contemplation?"

Feliks' head showed in opened bathroom's doors. He was wearing white t-shirt and navy blue pants with gallows. He had also hat made from the newspaper. He was holding large paintbrush purred with light yellow paint.

"That Alfred is a dick." He answered with angry expression.

"Because?" Arthur rose his eyebrows.

"Oh, come on, Arthur! I was telling it to you many times."

"Visas, right?"

"Do you know, what he said to me, when I told him that Americans can, like, come to me without visas?" He started to pretending America. "Sure, I'm awesome, so everyone want to come to me. I need visas to not be invaded by all of them. And nobody comes to you, Holland, so they don't need visas." Poland sighed. "He's mistaking me with Holland, he's giving me the bullshit instead of airplanes, he's telling the Polish jokes, even when I was one of the first countries, if not the first one, who sent its army to support him in Iraq. I and my people weren't sure about this, but my boss said, we have to support our ally. And do America even care?! No! Because he's damn hypocrite!" And Feliks returned to work.

"You know, he's treating everybody like that."

"But I'm his ally, kurwa[3]!" Poland screamed looking once again at England. "Who treats his allies like that?! Moreover, my people were helping him in gaining independence[4]! Oh, sorry…" Poland suddenly blushed, seeing England's change of face expression into sad muse.

"No, nothing happened." Arthur smiled lightly to Pole. Englishman grimed and added: "So what are you going to do now, Feliks?"

"I totally don't know, Arthur." Poland started to painting the wall near door to England's bathroom. "I want to show him. If I only break the alliance, he won't learn. I have to do something to hit him, to make him respect me."

"Let him know, he can't play with your patience. Just think, what he wants the most and use it against him… Well, as much as your own power can let you do it."

Feliks once again stopped the work and smiled sinisterly to his thoughts. It's amazing how brilliant ideas comes to you in the most unexpected moments.

[1] Actually, paluszki is a plular form. Paluszek is a singular.

[2] There is a lot of myths about America's ignorance. One of it says that when American hears name Poland, he asks: Hem, Holland?

[3] Another colorful course from my native language. In depending of context it could means: fuck, whore or bitch.

[4] Tadeusz Kościuszko and Kazimierz Pułaski. Check them on the Wiki.