Proglogue
Kyle's POV
It's really hard for me to not cry right now.
On this cold, bitter January morning where I was losing my best friend and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Believe me, I could kick and scream and beat some sense into him until he was black and blue, but what use would that be?
I can see the hurt in his eyes, as he walks over to me to say our goodbyes. If this was a normal day, I'd still be sleeping, but I haven't slept at all. I wasn't even supposed to come and see him leave, but I felt like I had to. I look terrible, petrified and miserable. My eyes are still unashamedly swollen from the tears I had cried hours ago. Stan didn't mind me coming over, his parents didn't either, since it was another set of hands to help with the last minute packing.
But Stan was glad for a different reason, I always notice the spring in his step, the way the air seems to carry his words carelessly. You could call me a fag for getting wound so tight about this. But it's Stan and I. We've been like brothers, twins joined at the hip since we were five years old. And now we're sixteen (I'll be seventeen in four months, whilst his seventeenth birthday was three months ago) and it's excruciating, seeing his room emptied, seeing his house stripped bare.
It makes my chest feel dull, but my stomach is uncomfortably light with anxiety. Stan can hear the stammer of my tears and the hitch of breath. He knows everything about me, because it's apart of him too.
Our eyes are hollow, and the day starts to stir with the grumble of distant engines and birds chirping. They said it would be the coldest day of the week. They said the winds would reach gale force, that they would be chilly and biting. The wind, though it's not heavy, still whistles through the aching gap between us and makes the cold blow under my jacket.
It echoes, howling menacingly.
Before Stan breaks down in tears, he pulls me in for a tight embrace. He hates people seeing him cry, but I can feel the damp on my shoulder and his muffled noises provide heat for my neck. I've hugged him before, but never like this. I've never hugged him with this pit in my stomach, which spells doom. I've never hugged him in such a solemn way, so weak, pathetic and helpless. Because we are.
"I'm gonna miss you dude" Stan confesses, in a weak, hoarse voice.
"Me too" I shakily laugh, before concluding that it wasn't funny. I sigh in defeat "I don't know what I'm gonna do without you."
That's true. I suppose I had Kenny but he was more into hanging out with Craig's gang now. Stan and I understood, still, it doesn't mean I don't miss him. But things would be awkward, and I'd hate for Kenny to think he's a consolation prize, mostly because deep down, I know that he is.
Stan pulls away, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. Playfully jabbing me in the chest before joking "You could always hang out with Cartman?"
I roll my eyes, and embarassingly, I feel my face flush slightly with irritation. Just the thought of talking to Cartman makes my skin crawl, because he'd probably say something that would make me want to kill him within the first twenty seconds of conversation.
I snort in derison before replying bitterly "Please, what would the fatass and I talk about except for our mutual hatred for each other?"
Stan chuckles quietly before kicking the snow, casting his eyes down whilst muttering, in this mocking, smug way he does sometimes "I don't know..." our gazes meet before he adds "People change Kyle, and you never know what weird things can happen around here. Maybe you and Cartman will hit if off, if given the right opportunity."
"He's had eleven years to win me over Stan, I think his chances of luring me into his trap now are very low." I smirk, hating how this moment seems to be dragging out. It's painful enough already. Just get it over with and the pain is easy to cope with. Like ripping off a huge emotional fucking band aid.
"Well... bye" I whisper.
Stan looks at me, pained for a second, before sighing and breathing out "Bye dude" he smiles warmly as he taps me on the shoulder. His hand lingers for a few minutes, palpable regret swelling in his Cobalt eyes before he slowly and cautiously edges away, to meet his parents and sister in the car.
I somehow wish he was still close to me. Fuck, I miss him already.
It's a few minutes before the car pulls away, before Stan and I wave goodbye, our mutual hurt making a knot tighten in the core of my chest. And because I'm such a fucking masochist, I make my life much harder by watching his car fade into the horizon, slipping past my peripheral vision without a thing I can do about it. Great.
On the walk home, besides from thoughts of food and sleep, since I've been deprived of both for a good eight hours, all I can think about is Stan's words about Cartman.
Me? Be genuine friends with Eric Cartman? Over my dead body. We don't even have anything in common, we're too proud to confess things to each other, or trust each other with our secrets for that matter, we don't agree on anything, we argue too much to have simple conversation... Oh, and the fact that I can't stand the sight of him. That's gonna make being buddies a tad hard.
So sorry Stan, I honestly don't see that happening.
~x~
April 29th
It's not a big deal Kahl..." Cartman sighs, dropping his gaze but smirking when he can see a glimpse of Kyle's angry face.
"It is Cartman! You need to start thinking about these things! It's important! We're going to be graduating pretty soon and you need to decide what college you want to go to, and a couple of back up colleges if your first choice doesn't want you-"
"Hold on" Cartman interrupts Kyle mid rant, so the redhead can breathe for a few seconds "Do you think any college isn't going to want me? I'll have board administrators offering to give me head just so I can make their lame ass school look good."
Kyle rolls his eyes at probably the tenth obnoxious thing Cartman has said today, though he can't help but smile at this quality which over the past couple of months, he has found quite endearing.
"Any school would be lucky to have you fatass..."
Cartman knows that Kyle is being sarcastic, but just to make his favourite Jew even more pissed off he decides to ignore it "Thank you."
"My point retard, is that you can't just go through life blackmailing, manipulating and taking people for fools... Because one day you're going to risk it all and meet your match, somebody as conniving as you, and you're going to end up with nothing." Kyle can't help but say that last sentence with a hint of arrogance, because he loves nothing more than putting Cartman in his place. But he knows too well that the brunette will just let it all slide off him.
"And besides" Kyle begins before taking a sip of his Dr Pepper "No college means no qualifications, which means you won't get a job. Especially in this day and age."
"That's bullshit Kahl!. You know as well as I do that interviews for jobs are all about being as charming as possible, lying and blowing smoke up your employers ass and sabbotaging whoever else is in that waiting room's chances of getting the job. You don't have to graduate from Yale to work that out. And I'm going to be proof of that."
If Kyle wasn't so worried about making a scene in the cafeteria then he would've gotten out of his chair and punched Cartman by now, so instead, he just lets his eyes darken and mutters, loud enough for Cartman to hear "You are the biggest douchebag I have ever had the misfortune of meeting."
"Fine, if you hate me so much then why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?"
God, he's called his bluff. Cartman has a funny way of doing that, he can pinpoint people's weaknesses until he can basically brainwash and reprogram them to do whatever he wants. He is very intelligent, though Kyle would hate to admit it. He just doesn't put his intellect to good use.
If this was a few months ago, before Stan left and Kyle became desperate, then the redhead would've retorted with a fierce "fine!" and stormed off. But this is different. Alarmingly different, because Kyle has nobody and though this admission would be like swallowing nails, Cartman has become somewhat of a best friend.
It started in a very subtle way, Cartman and Kyle would hang out just the two of them, like old times, minus Stan and Kenny. They would argue but weirdly enjoy each other's company, getting some depraved kick out of the ferocity of their words and the twisted, excited gleam in their eyes. But then the atmosphere softened, things became easier and when they argued and that spark reignited, the tension was excruciating and the excitement was sickening.
But it could be easily patched up. They've had eleven years of practice. They've had eleven years of wiping their tears, cleaning their scars and gritting their teeth. Putting a wall up for any kind of vulnerabilty. Though it can get lonely in this fortress of almost forced bravado, it's much better than admitting defeat. Than sharing an ounce of weakness.
And right now, when they were tucked away in their small, selected corner of the cafeteria, away from prying eyes and mutual greivances, they were at yet another moment where everything could break. But it's nothing new. Not after the countless other times that they've taken things too far.
It doesn't faze them one little bit.
But they never say sorry. The best friends/enemies/whothefuckknows try their damn hardest to change the topic to something completely different.
"Whatever" Cartman sighs, almost pouting like a little kid "Listen, because I know your darling mother would go ape shit if I brought you home drunk again, you can come back to my place after Token's house party on saturday... If you want."
"Cool. Thanks." Kyle replies, rolling his eyes when he thinks about how Cartman can just switch his emotions so easily. It's not human. Well Cartman isn't exactly a normal and emotionally healthy person anyway...
"No problem, Jewboy." Cartman laughs as he kicks Kyle under the table.
"Don't act like you're doing me a favour, fatass" Kyle replies, retaliating with a harder kick.
But Cartman doesn't flinch, he just laughs, that infectious laugh that always makes Kyle giggle. Their gazes meet, Golden Brown colliding with Emerald, it shouldn't work, but somehow it does.
The thought flashes through both their minds, and softens their smiles a little bit. Before they realise they held their gaze for too long, and the moment is instantly regretted.
That could've been awkward, the two both think, as they return to their confused, supressed paradigm.
May 2nd
Dude, you need to learn how to handle your liquor" Cartman laughs, ruffiling Kyle's curls, while the very drunk redhead pushes his annoying friend away. His eyes lazily scan the room, coming to the conclusion that Cartman's room is purple, like grapes, has it always been purple? Purple's a girly colour anyway... Kyle's room is cooler.
It's 3:30 and the two boys have very noisily and unapologetically stumbled into Cartman's house and are now lying on the brunette's bed, with the sheets tangled around their feet and making no plans to sleep yet. But they're not in the mood to talk, they've talked all night long. While most people at that party were drinking and fucking (Kyle and Cartman had a tab of how many rooms they had accidentally walked into and found two or three naked people under the sheets, fumbiling around in the dark, before the girls gasped and the boys shouted "get the fuck out of here!") Cartman counted five, Kyle had counted three. Token had a big house with plenty of bedrooms, which made the party helplessly turn into a brothel for the night. And for some reason, that thought made Kyle uneasy, just the thought of sex made him squirm.
That was one of the many over wrought, over complicated paradoxes that made up Kyle's life. Sex. It seemed to be such a big deal at this age, where there is almost a caste system for those who were getting laid every week to the people who were virgins and trying to hide it. Kyle often wondered if people knew, the thought kept him up at night. He was repulsed by the dreaded act, (to him it seemed messy, difficult and really, too much hassle for what his very low expectations were) and he also concluded that he must have some deep rooted fear of it. He didn't know why. But did he really need a reason?. On the other hand though, he kind of wanted to do it... just to say he had done it, so this excruciating weight could be lifted off his shoulders, and who said that he had to do it again? Maybe it could be like a trail run? Once and that's it? He could do it once with a girl who didn't really mean that much to him, a girl who's scent, touch and pheromones he could shake off, or rather wash off, easily.
But then he didn't want that either. If he was going to go through this rite of passage, then surely his life shouldn't be scarred by one bad encounter? It had to be out of love. If he did it out of love, then things would be so much easier, more meaningful, like a safety blanket he could rely on. Love would be a motivator for such things, maybe something that initates sex, not in everyone's case, but certainly for his. But he had never felt love before... not truly, not wildly, or deeply. He had never felt any overwhelming emotions for anyone, maybe with Stan, but those feelings of loss were quickly smothered by new emotions that surfaced. And surely, love is a feeling that rises higher than what's on the surface, doesn't it?
Kyle didn't know. He had no answers to his irrational and pointless questions. He was too drunk to think clearly anyway. Maybe he could ask... no, he couldn't ask Cartman about these things, besides from laughing in his face and torturing him endlessly for being a "fag" he didn't really think Cartman possessed the answers he was searching for.
So, Kyle snapped himself out of the labyrinth of questions in his mind, and rolled over to face Cartman, who was staring up at the ceiling, obviously drunk too but trying his hardest to hide it.
Wrapping his arm around Cartman's waist, he sighed "I'm not drunk, just happy" That was true. For the most part.
Kyle did feel happy around Cartman, he liked being pushed and challenged and irritated everyday. But he also liked talking to Cartman, saying stupid shit around him and laughing at his jokes. He liked how close and confusing things could be at times and he was grateful. He had wanted to thank the brunette on many occasions for being there for him when Stan left, but Kyle was too stubborn and his deathly fear of making things awkward between them, kept his gratitude quiet.
"I like it when you're drunk anyway, you don't have so much sand in your vagina when you're hammered" Cartman sighed, messing up Kyle's curls again. He liked Kyle's hair, though he would never admit it, he loved the colour and how it complimented Kyle's features, he liked how the curls sprung back into place if you played with them and how Kyle could just wake up and his hair would look decent.
Kyle felt his eyes begin to close, he could still taste this fancy ass whiskey that Token insisted everyone drink and the jello shots Cartman and him drank whilst they were huddled in the corner of Token's living room, next to the patio doors. He snuggled Cartman tighter, comforted by that familiar scent, but neither of them thought twice or even flinched. They had become so close, seeing each other everyday, keeping themselves to themselves, even at parties, texting or calling each other when they weren't together. People could call it odd, gay, weird, unhealthy... but fuck them, who cares what they think?
Though insecurity and doubt crawled into their heads on a daily basis, it was easy to ignore. Even now when they were falling to sleep in a lazy embrace, with their hands on each other.
Because even though they were close and knew a lot more about each other than they ever really intended, there were darker secrets, more asphyxiating worries and alarming thoughts that they would never know, making them feel a million miles away from each other.
That notion was both comforting and terrifying.
May 25th
"So" Kyle begins, dusting some excess snow off the bleacher "Since you're too good for college, what job are you looking to get in the future?"
Cartman laughs under his breath and runs a hand through his chestnut hair, scanning the football field. The snow had started to thaw and the place was starting to look less like a graveyard, people had come and gone in the three hours Cartman and Kyle had been here. But they ignored them, they watched them, commented on certain things, but they daren't engage in conversation. The sun was perched high in the sky, shortening the shadows and the light stretched itself out like the two boys who had made themselves comfortable on the worn out bleachers. Breaking the eerie silence without hesitance, they liked being by themselves, without the need to filter their words, or consider other people.
"I don't know..." Cartman shrugs "Maybe I could get a job in an office? Or work in telemarketing? I think I could convince people to buy useless shit off me... Hell, I've been doing that since I was eight years old."
Kyle shoves the brunette, using all the force he can muster, but they still end up in fits of laughter.
"I think you still need to go to college to get a job like that... That's what people are looking for nowadays."
"Fine. Then maybe I'll work in Macdonalds, or Burger King, or Whistilin' Willy's Pizza... or maybe I'll become a drug dealer or go on welfare..."
"Dude! Don't say that!" Kyle whines, turning away from his friend, and crossing his arms childishly.
"Why?" Cartman sighs in extreme irritation, rolling his eyes and leaning back against the bleachers. He hates it when Kyle pouts and gets all bitchy, he loves seeing Kyle angry and that love grows by the minute... Everytime Kyle starts ranting Cartman can't help but think how funny and somehow cute Kyle looks, how he says Cartman's name with such anger and raw emotion, he loves having the ability to push Kyle's buttons and control him in such a way. But he hates it when Kyle's like this, frustrating isn't even the word...
"Because you're better than that, Cartman!" Kyle shouts, though he regrets it. The silence reaches fever pitch, and the two stare at each other for a second, wide eyed and disbelieving. Though they both knew it was innocent, things like this have been feeling much more sacred lately. There are certain things that you shouldn't say, because the lines become blurry. People become confused and hurt.
"Really Kahl?" Cartman jokes in a saccharine voice that makes Kyle blush. "I'll have you know dickhead, that many successful people are college dropouts."
Kyle rolls his eyes, another one of those times where Cartman is right. Excellent.
"Such as?"
"That Jew who created Facebook, the dude who invented Windows..."
"Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates?"
"Yeah... whatever..." Cartman sighs, studying his shoes before he turns to face Kyle and match their stares. Golden Brown colliding with Emerald, it shouldn't work, but somehow-
"So Jewboy, what's your desired profession? You know, since you're going to be like all these mainstream, preppy bitches and go to college..."
"A doctor maybe, or a lawyer" Kyle replies, not really caring because none of those jobs are a particular dream of his. He wants to be a lawyer because his dad's a lawyer and he wants to be a doctor because he thinks it would make good use of his somewhat caring nature.
Cartman laughs, rolling his eyes, shaking his head and muttering "Typical Jew."
"Shut up!" Kyle laughs, though he can feel himself squirming. He can be such a stereotype on times... he hates that. "It's not because of that, those careers just sound interesting. That's all."
"Well I'm sure your stereotypical mom will be over the fucking moon for you, kike"
Kyle always feels a dull ache in his chest whenever Cartman calls him that. It's such a venomous word, even if Cartman is joking, or if anybody's saying it for that matter... But now things are different. Cartman's supposedly his best friend and it's not very pleasant to hear your best friend constantly fire racial slurs at you. The redhead thought he'd be used to it by now.
But it seems, as the months go by, things are getting harder, not easier. And today, during this conversation, that word seems to sting a hell of a lot more.
June 14th
That white trash motherfucker!" Cartman shouted, storming into Kyle's house and slamming the door behind him.
"What?" Kyle asked nervously, trying to remember the last time he ever saw Cartman this angry.
The brunette started to pace back and forth enraged, not even looking at Kyle with his fiery Golden Brown eyes.
"I saw Kenny on my way over here, and we're talking and whatever, I think he was stoned though, judging by how his eyes were all red and he started randomly giggiling at everything I said. Anyways, the stupid bastard says 'so how's things going with you and Kahl?' and I'm all like what the fuck? is he fucking joking? so I say 'huh?' and the smug piece of shit says 'Oh, I thought you and Kahl were fucking each other' and I swear on my mom's life Kahl, if you hadn't had turned me into a slightly more sympathetic pussy in these past couple of months, that motherfucker would be dead right now... well, I suppose it wouldn't make a difference since-"
"Kenny can't die" the two boys say in exasperated unison. Though Cartman is eager to continue ranting.
"Yeah, yeah, I mean, can you believe that asshole?! Why would he think me and you were fucking each other?! that's never going to happen! I barely like you, let alone want to fuck your brains out in public and declare that I love you!"
At that moment every illusion, thought and repressed dream seemed to shatter for Kyle. Those shameful and curious thoughts that he had tried to convince himself were not true, seemed so painful and precious now. Out of all the horrible, cruel and scarring things Eric Cartman has ever said or done to him seem to vanish and pale into nothingness next to Cartman's disgust, disdain and disbelief in the two boys being a couple and the sentence "I barely like you... let alone declare that I love you!" has stolen every breath and heartbeat. It takes strength and pretence Kyle never knew he had to not cry right now.
"But the feeling's mutual right?" Cartman laughs nervously. You fucking asshole Kyle thinks as he grits his teeth, fakes his smile and wills for his tears not to run.
Luckily for Kyle, Cartman is oblivious to stuff like that.
"Yeah, totally" Kyle begins, shaking his head before laughing "Kenny's fucking insane anyway..."
And though Kyle could deny his feelings for Cartman, he couldn't deny the fact that his heart was broken.
June 28th
"This was a dirty trap Jew." Cartman mutters bitterly, glaring at Kyle and folding his arms like a spoiled brat. Well, he kind of is.
"You'll thank me later fatass" Kyle replies in a mocking tone, smiling sweetly before flipping Cartman off.
"Can't we do something else?" Cartman whines, grabbing Kyle's arm so the redhead is forced to look up into those beautiful Golden Brown eyes. Those topaz suns are pleading, sincere... Kyle can't help but think how pretty they are, how he's staring into them too deeply. And strangely, Cartman doesn't seem to care.
"No" Kyle breathes out, the word cutting all the thoughts he's been having to shreds, they even cut the lingering stare between the two boys "No, because even though you're not going to college, you still need to graduate from high school, and that's not going to happen if you fail all your classes and get your sorry ass expelled-"
"Okay!" Cartman snaps, grabbing a random textbook and opening it up, even though he loved seeing Kyle get worked up because of him, he didn't want to hear Kyle talk about things like failing school. That was the least of Cartman's problems. Besides, he was starting to become just as over analytical as Kyle lately, taking whatever the annoying redhead said to heart, whereas before, he'd been able to shrug off whatever that Jew said with narcisistic ease.
"I don't need the tough love speech, gaywad."
"Well, believe it or not asshole, I do care for you a little bit." Kyle smirks. Figuring that if he said it like that, it wouldn't sound true.
No matter how hard he tried, Cartman couldn't shake off the thought of how cute and appealing Kyle looked when he was shouting at him. Every little feature was making him smile, the way his eyes seemed to darken from a clear, fluid Emerald to a toxic, mesmerising moss colour, the way his chest seemed to rise and fall with every angry breath so invitingly and how each stare was lethal and malicious, a quality in Kyle that was slowly becoming irresistable.
He glanced over at Kyle, thinking that maybe if he looked at him when he wasn't so angry, it would make this lingering, delicous thought vanish. But what he saw made everything worse.
The redhead looked so peaceful, absorbed, lost in his thoughts. And Cartman found himself staring for a long time, taking in every detail and finding his heart melting at everything. Smirking to himself at the simplest thing. The way Kyle's eyebrows furrowed when he was reading something, how he subconsciously and gently bit the end of his pen when something confused him, and how when he knew the answer, he smiled to himself and quickly wrote something down. How his eyes seemed to glimmer and then dim down, like beautiful waves crashing, hugging the shore before retreating back into his pupils. Green. Shocking, vivid, lovely and bright. Cartman never even realised. He loved how the redhead sometimes ran his hand through his mop of scarlet curls, and how messy and disshevelled they would be afterwards and he loved how Kyle didn't care.
He loved how oblivious Kyle was, how he was acting like it was just him. Cartman shamelessly replayed the thought of leaning over and kissing Kyle gently, feeling those tender lips against his own, how Kyle would be suprised at first, but then begin to kiss him back, how soft and gentle everything would be, how every action would be unspoken and instintive. The redhead looked so unspoiled and perfect in Cartman's corrupted eyes. Close enough to touch, his for the taking, maybe in time, Kyle could feel this way too... Cartman clenched his fists tightly, because the need to touch Kyle was becoming unbearable. But he didn't want to look away, how could he not stare at something so tempting?
"Cartman?" Kyle softly asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.
"Hmm?" Fuck. Now is the perfect time to not be able to form a sentence, the brunette inwardly scolded.
"How long have you been staring at me like a retard?"
"I don't know... Homework sucks fucking ass dude, I just got distracted, that's all." Cartman replies, finally finding the strength to avert his gaze.
"Well, if I order a pizza, will that make things a tad more enjoyable for you?"
"I thought you'd never ask Jewboy..."
August 15th
Kyle had only been to visit Stan in Wyoming a few times. Mostly because the first time they met up, Stan was with his new friends, who Kyle didn't like one bit. They were all Letterman jacket wearing douches who were constantly sucking up to Stan and kissing his ass, kind of marking their territory to show that Stan was theirs and that Kyle should just go back home to Colorado.
Stan was apologetic but something had changed in him, Kyle didn't hold it against him, because he knew that he had changed as well. He was aware about how much he talked about Cartman (Which Stan couldn't help but feel smug about, he knew that Kyle's opinion of Cartman would change after he left) and how he was praying Cartman would call when things started to become awkward. He couldn't wait to bitch about Stan's friends to Cartman and hear the brunette's witty, nasty replies.
He missed his best friend. But he missed how things were in the old days, he didn't miss the Stan he had visited for a few days out of the year. It was bittersweet, but Kyle could deal with bittersweet, it was his life in a nutshell.
So when Cartman asked him one day, whilst they were playing video games.
"You miss your ex lover, faggot?"
The redhead found it relatively painless to reply
"No, not really" Kyle shrugged, knowing that Cartman was referring to Stan, decrypting Cartman's insults was like a sixth sense of his.
For some reason, Kyle was pleasantly suprised, when he noticed that Cartman had this euphoric, smug smile on his face. It made his heart jolt a little, his stomach flip and a delicate blush spread on the apples of his cheeks.
The two caught each other smirking goofily, exchanged quick smiles and carried on with their video game.
"Besides" Kyle began, not really knowing why he was saying what he was about to say, but feeling brave and stupid enough to weakly blurt out "I have you, don't I?"
Cartman was more suprised than Kyle was. And that almost never happens. The brunette felt this surge of relief and overwhelming happiness coarse through him, memories of Kyle flashed through his head and made him feel a little less cold. It was scary, bizarre and totally...
Perfect. Cartman had never felt like that before, but now that he did, it all seemed to make sense, like he had found something that he never even knew he desperately needed.
Now it was Kyle's turn to be shocked. Instead of insulting him, denying him or spouting some arrogant, egotistical bullshit, you know, like Cartman usually does, the brunette reached over, brushing Kyle's hand cautiously, longingly, almost as if he was asking permission before whispering "Yeah, you'll always have me."
Everything seemed to freeze in unforgiving time when the two boys realised, that things might never be the same for them again.
September 21st
Whenever Kyle slept over Cartman's they shared a bed. Strange, yes, but they figured that nobody would ever have to know and if they felt comfortable, then who cares what people think?. If either of them woke up and discovered their arm snaked around the other's waist, then it was quickly pulled away and kept secret. Just another memory to discard. Things could get weird, but hell, they were used to weird. It's rife in this town.
The two boys weren't sure what the time was. They hadn't slept and the sky was a confusing, headache inducing mixture of orange, blue and pink, lathargic and faded, lightly reflecting on the glistening snow. The grey hour when time is forgotten, but hardly anybody is awake to see it, so it's okay.
The premature sunlight seeped through the window, casting freckles of light on Cartman and Kyle, who were getting irritable from their sleep deprivation and were currently play fighting like little kids in their t-shirts and boxers because... Fuck, they had run out of stuff to do and their minds had melted into sludge.
Kyle was currently winning, he had punched Cartman and both of them were laughing too much to really carry on with their fake battle, still, after a while, Cartman found the strength to catch Kyle off guard, shove the redhead away and push him down onto the matteress. The brunette's bed was a mess, the quilt and pillows carelessly tangled around their legs and Cartman continuously had to tell Kyle to be quiet because they might wake his mom up. Like that ever mattered before.
After a few minutes of playfully hitting and poking Kyle, his fingers moved onto Kyle's ribs and he started to tickle him. He knew Kyle hated being tickled and whilst he laughed as quietly as he could, he also fired a plethora of insults at Cartman and threatened him numerous times, whilst kicking his legs and trying desperately to push him away.
But something came over Cartman, an opportunity, a thought, Kyle looked so cute when he was in the threshold of irritation and laughter and the brunette wanted to savour this moment, when his legs were either side of Kyle's hips and the redhead was under his complete control.
His hands slowly snaked their way up from Kyle's waist and softly stroked Kyle's outstretched arms, keeping a grip on the redhead's wrists, his pulse so rapid and feeling so liquid under his fingers that he had to try not to get too excited. The redhead froze, shamelessly meeting Cartman's eyes, like he had done countless times before. They gleamed with something. Cunning. Admiration. Mischeif. Desire.
The last word made Kyle gulp, arching his back cautiously. The grip Cartman had on his wrists started to burn, make a deep heat flare in his groin, secretly hoping that Cartman would feel it and answer every one of Kyle's wishes. Without saying a word. But the redhead somehow knew that wasn't going to happen. Cartman said they could never be together, so why was he being so confusing? Why was he messing Kyle around? Why couldn't he make things clearer? Give him more answers? Why couldn't he-
These questions disintrigated when one of Cartman's trembiling hands let go of Kyle's wrist and travelled down, never leaving Kyle's body, feeling every ridge, every breath, every movement the redhead makes. And Kyle finds it painful but exhillirating at the same time. While the brunette's mind is emptied, his vision becoming a wonderful blur. His index finger traces the waistband of Kyle's boxers, stroking the material slowly, teasing Kyle, feeling the goosebumps that appear on pale, flawless skin.
Their eyes, which are usually fixed on each other, are looking elsewhere, Kyle is looking down at his own heaving chest, and the legs that have a firm hold on his hips. Whilst Cartman's eyes are trained on his own moving finger, going back and forth, back and forth, back and-
Instinctively, their eyes meet, flinching irises, suprised faces before smiles appear out of the corner of their mouths and the eyes glimmer, colours reunited like long lost lovers.
Kyle wonders why he doesn't push Cartman off him, demand what the fuck he's doing, get his things and walk home. Even at this ungodly hour. Cartman wonders why he's doing this in the first place, what possessed him to do such a fucked up thing. But the truth is... They're loving this. It's a guilty pleasure. They love it and they don't want to stop being in this tender embrace. It's too good and relieving.
Though it's scary and dangerous. But they would never admit how they actually feel. That this is exactly what they were scared of. So they're just stuck. But neither of them care.
The brunette's finger travels along the wasitband until it reaches a scar that sits just above the material. A deep, flesh fissure. The skin feels soft and tender, such a different texture, delicate, that it sends electricity to Cartman's fingertip.
"What's this?" Cartman asks, almost whimpers.
"My- my scar, from our kidney transplant..." Kyle manages to speak, his eyelids fluttering, his hips bucking softly as he feels Cartman's flesh on his. It makes things much more real.
"Oh" Cartman barely whispers before laughing quietly "So I guess you've always had me, huh?"
It takes a while to remember that conversation, when his mind is currently a carousel of lusty thoughts that he's only ever experienced in secret, ones that make him blush if he thinks about them for too long, but now that him and Cartman are doing this, they have never felt so good... "Yeah, I suppose I have" Kyle says, startled by how dreamily he said that.
The redhead feels his eyes begin to close, the brunette's touch acting as a lullaby. And as he drifts into slumber, Cartman can't help but think how beautiful Kyle looks. Beautiful. That's it. Beautiful. He's always been beautiful, and now you're only just realising it? Cartman thinks to himself. He's been beautiful since the day you met him, he's been beautiful all those years you hated him, and fought him, he's been beautiful since you started to like him and confide in him and tolerate him, and now you're here and he's with you, he's been beautiful since you've been obsessed with him and admired him and dreamt about him and loved him and this is your chance, your moment and you better you take it, you have to take it or else-
Kyle was woken up by the most wonderful kiss he's ever had. A fierce, determined chaste kiss that steals his breath and makes his body arch up into the embrace of the person who he's currently feeling this exquisite heat for. Cartman's hand is currently crushing Kyle's wrist, his grip as strong as the force of his lips. Kyle closes his eyes in a pleasure he's been denying for too long, never feeling so relieved, never feeling so sure and it's not long before he's kissing Cartman back, gripping Cartman's shoulder with his free hand, holding onto him for dear life. It hurts. It's bittersweet, it's intense and beautiful. Both of them hating themselves but falling deeper and deeper in love with each other. Never feeling so unbalanced and confused.
It's too soon the two part, with swollen lips, heaving lungs and a fear that makes their heads spin. It's too early Cartman backs off and they both fall into a terrified sleep, turned away from each other, neither of them moving in the night, paralysed with fear.
It's inevitable and heartbreaking to Cartman when he wakes up in an empty bed. With a note on his dresser which simply reads, in Kyle's perfect handwriting. I'm sorry.
October 10th
Cartman and Kyle had not spoken to each other for two weeks. The longest they had ever gone without seeing each other. Cartman hadn't even been coming into school, though he always made it clear that the only reason he came in was because he could hang out with Kyle. And it seemed he didn't even have that excuse anymore. Everytime the redhead thought about that he was overcome with loss and guilt.
Kyle occasionally walked past Cartman's house on his way home from school, going out of his way just so he could stare up at that familiar house, hoping that one day he'll find the courage to walk up to the door, face Cartman and say...
Well, he didn't know what he wanted to say. Apologise, he certainly wanted to apologise. Kyle always had moments of doubt and self hatred, kicking himself for panicking, thinking irrationally or doing something out of pride and fear, to not be viewed as vulnerable by anyone.
And he supposed he could be the one thing he prided himself on, what he knew was the right and also the hardest thing, to do. Just be honest with him. Kyle owed Cartman that much, it was the least he deserved. After how close they were, how long it took for them to be vulnerable and open up to each other and how Cartman had done the bravest thing Kyle had ever seen him do. Kyle knew that he could never be that brave.
So, someday, he didn't know when, when he felt brave enough, he would confront Cartman and tell him the truth. Tell him how angry he is, at Cartman and himself, tell him how confused and guilty he feels for everything, not just the kiss, but everything he's done, tell him how wonderful that kiss was and how it made him feel more alive than ever, how it was everything he could have ever wished for, how that's all he's ever wanted since the moment he started to notice Cartman as this incredible, fucked up, wonderful and twisted person who has made his life much more happy and meaningful.
How the thought of not seeing him everyday makes him so angry that all he wants to do is cry.
How he's never felt so terrified at the thought of losing him.
How he knows that they can work this out, whatever they decide to do.
How their friendship means more to him than whatever ignorant, self righteous teenagers have to say.
And even though Kyle knows how he feels, how every confession makes his heart ache, the problem is, he can't even bring himself to say them. And then Kyle curses himself for making things too complicated.
November 8th
It had been almost seven weeks since Cartman and Kyle had spoken to each other. Hell, they hadn't even seen each other. But they thought about each other everyday, sometimes it would be comforting to just drift off and think of a time when things were okay and they were just friends. That was it.
Currently Kyle was thinking about the note, the kiss, how he could still feel Cartman's lips on his, his taste, the feel of the brunette's hands on his skin and how that was the best kiss he had ever had.
So he decided to go for a walk, to clear his head, to think about stupid things and distract himself from the one person he so desperately wanted to see. But he didn't even make it to the sidewalk when he saw Cartman, leaning against his SUV, smiling, like he had been waiting for Kyle all along.
Sometimes people need to rely on their gut instinct, go back to that natural reaction that feels better than falling back on pride or mind games.
Kyle guessed that's why as soon as he saw Cartman, he hugged him, with no words or warning, but Cartman didn't care. Because Kyle was here, he was holding him again and that's all he needed for now. The redhead dug his fingers into Cartman's back, almost tearing the material of his jacket, the brunette oblivious to the pain. He wrapped his arms around Kyle's waist, allowing the redhead to come closer, that made Kyle cry even more, falling apart whilst Cartman appeared so calm and rigid. But that's only because Cartman was too exhausted to cry, too exhausted to feel anything except relief.
"Come here" Kyle whispered, his face damp with tears and his eyes still red. He limply grabbed Cartman's wrist, the brunette silently followed Kyle, though he had no idea what was going to happen. It was then that Kyle realised how much he wanted Cartman, how much he was aching, longing for him, that holding him and being in his embrace wasn't enough.
Kyle led Cartman to the side of his house, leaning back against the wall, grabbing Cartman by his jacket, he forced the brunette onto his lips with all the strength he could muster. Cartman moaned in suprise before grabbing Kyle's hips and squeezing them tightly, while the redhead looped his arms around Cartman's neck and deepened their suffocating kiss, tinged with copper. Kyle moved his hands from Cartman's neck and dragged his fingers through chestnut hair, groaning and faltering when Cartman parted Kyle's lips with his tongue, begging to explore Kyle further, moving one hand from the redhead's hip and cupping the side of his face, supporting his head so they could angle the kiss better, allowing Kyle's tongue to entangle with his. The brunette whimpering sweetly when he felt the redhead's tongue against his own, Kyle smiled at how hungry and vulnerable Cartman sounded.
Amongst this fierce yet effortless passion, the two both wondered how they managed to keep this fire inside them for so long. They seemed so addicted to each other now, so consumed with lust that they couldn't imagine not wanting to hold each other and kiss each other like this everyday. They were seeing each other in a light that they had only fantasized about in secrecy, curiosity and longing, how had it taken them this long to see how magnificent they were together?.
The kisses grew wild, growling whenever their teeth nipped at their bruised lips, moaning and sighing when they playfully kissed each other, coaxing each other into ectasy. Cartman pressed Kyle harder against the wall, the redhead under his control. Kyle loved being this close to Cartman, their lungs and heartbeats crashing in unison, so close it hurt to breathe, laboured and hungry. He loved how when he bucked his hips in pleasure, Cartman's would too. The brunette breached from Kyle's lips, the redhead whining in frustration when his wet, swollen lips met cold air, while Cartman snickers and kisses Kyle's neck, working upward. He reached the redhead's ear, sending the most intense shiver down Kyle's spine, the redhead shuddering when Cartman whispered "Kahl..."
It was the first word Cartman had spoken since they had been reunited, simple and perfect.
But it made Kyle freeze, make fear lurch in his stomach, pushing Cartman away from him.
"We- we can't do this again." Kyle trembles, staring down at his messed up clothes, his obvious arousal, and the fact that he could still taste Cartman in the back of his throat. Embarassed, he crosses his arms over his chest.
"Why?" Cartman asks quietly, visibly hurt. And equally as embarassed. He never gets embarassed.
"Because we need to talk about this." Kyle whimpers, gesturing the two of them with a limp hand.
"There's nothing to talk about..." Cartman lies. Lies don't really mean anything to him, but when he's lying straight to Kyle's face, especially with all that has happened, it really stings.
"Yes there is!" Kyle shouts, struggiling to keep calm, wanting to punch and kiss Cartman at the same time. "I'm not like you Cartman, I can't be careless about things! I have to have reasons and explanations before I do something."
"You didn't a moment ago..." Cartman smirks, referring to the passionate kiss the two shared. Kyle cringes before smiling wickedly
"Well I guess you sometimes bring that quality out in me..."
The two stare at each other for a long time. It's a silence of confusion and fear and Kyle has the courage to finally blurt out
"Can I ask you a question?"
Cartman nods, still in a daze after staring at Kyle for so long and thinking about how lovely the redhead looked. Kyle takes a deep breath and asks "Why haven't you been in school?"
"Because it's a load of crap..." Cartman effortlessly replies, a hint of arrogance in his voice.
"Yeah well, you've been saying that since you were five but it didn't stop you from turning up" Kyle snaps, he's not in the mood to shout and scream right now, instead he steps over to Cartman, putting his hands on his shoulders and absent mindedly tracing circles whilst he softly says, in a voice the brunette can't resist "Please be honest with me."
Kyle doesn't make eye contact, he let's his thoughts be consumed with the deep red of Cartman's jacket, how when their bodies are together, they can breathe in harmony and how he loves touching Cartman and being this close to him, even in situations like this, where everything seemed so fucked up. The brunette remains rigid, wanting so badly to speak and reach out to Kyle, but keeps his hands firmly in his pockets, soothed by Kyle's delicate, slender fingers. Though when he thinks about how long it's taken for the both of them to be honest with each other, he finally breathes out shakily "I didn't go to school because I was scared."
Kyle doesn't seem shocked, he doesn't stop what he's doing. He's walled himself off from any strong surges of emotion, so he remains just as stoic as Cartman, still tracing the material and keeping his eyes lowered, he whispers "Of what?"
The brunette is dying to see Kyle's eyes, that rich Emerald that he's been aching for, deprived of for seven weeks, he needs to remind himself of how real this all is. And he can feel himself getting angry. He always gets angry in sitautions where he feel he might lose control, where he might have to be brutally honest. He grabs Kyle's wrist, sending memories of when Cartman gripped them so tightly during their first kiss, to flash through the redhead's mind. Kyle flinches, his eyes meet Cartman's, the brunette holds their stares and Kyle realises how much he's missed those extravagant Golden Brown jewels, how they've tempted him like sirens in his dreams.
"I was scared of facing you after that note. I didn't want to see you totally reject me, because that's what I stupidly thought was going to happen. I knew that seeing you walk away would kill me and I'd end up doing another stupid thing I regret because of these stupid feelings I have for you."
"You regret our kiss?" Kyle asks, he feels hurt at first, but then he understands. It has caused a lot of problems. Seven weeks worth of problems to be exact.
"I don't know" Cartman whines in frustration, letting go of Kyle's wrists quickly and beginning to pace a little back and forth "It was amazing and it felt so good, so right, to be doing that with you."
Kyle can't help but have this stupid smile plastered on his face. Cartman never talked like that. He was actually kind of flattered.
"...But, if it wasn't for that kiss, we wouldn't have had to ignore each other or even have this conversation. Things would be back to normal." Cartman admits, the last sentence sounding pained, his eyes projecting that pain.
"But that wouldn't have made things better" Kyle sighs, shaking his head.
Silence. One that's begging to be broken.
"Besides" Cartman grins, with a mischeivous gleam in his eye "If I came into school and saw you, and we ended up doing what we just did, it would've turned quite a lot of heads."
Kyle laughs, blushing slightly before nodding his head in agreement "Yeah, you're right."
"So now it's my turn to ask you a question..." Cartman smugly says, closing the gap between him and Kyle, the redhead becoming nervous.
"Why did you leave me that note?"
"Because I was scared and stupid." Kyle whimpers, willing not to cry, pushing away from Cartman because he suddenly feels like he can't breathe "I was scared of what was going to happen when we woke up and what I was going to do and what you were going to say. It, It got too much and next thing I know I'm writing this note, feeling so fucking terrified and guilty about leaving you and I couldn't stop looking at you, praying that you would wake up and tell me things were going to be okay and I panicked Cartman, I panicked and I just, I, I just, ran out..." Kyle's crying now, talking fast and angrily, pacing back and forth and he wants nothing more to hug Cartman again. But after that admission he feels like that's not going to happen.
Meanwhile, the brunette is scared by how angry he feels right now, irrational, senseless, mindless anger that seems to be growing in the pit of his stomach, making his fists clench and his head hurt from pushing away all these bitter thoughts. His mouth dry, giving him no permission to talk, his heart hammering so hard he fears it might burst through his ribcage. He guesed he was feeling this anger because he had been denying it for so long, and now he couldn't take it anymore. Even if it caused an explosive argument, even if it made him lose Kyle, that didn't matter. He just needed to be angry. He told himself he deserved it.
After a while, in a hard, cold, emotionless voice that is struggiling to sound calm, almost on the verge of screaming "You wanna know what I was going to say?" Kyle could tell Cartman was angry. He didn't blame him. Still, he straightened up and showed the brunette that he wasn't willing to go down without a fight. Kyle nodded slowly, refusing to take his eyes off of Cartman.
"I was going to say sorry for every horrible thing I had done to you in the past. I was going to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I need you."
Kyle rolls his eyes and laughs bitterly, his eyes turning cold, those familiar angry eyes that Cartman usually loves but now is infuriated by. "You don't need me" Kyle hisses, it sounds so weak and nasty. How the fuck can he say he needs him?! After saying that they could never be together! after all the things he's ever said or done to Kyle in the past eleven years that made him feel like shit! It's with this deep rooted resentment, which constantly battles with Kyle's overwhelming, almost unconditional love for that bastard that makes him shout.
"You've never needed me! Whatever has happened in the months since Stan left and you and I getting closer, doesn't make up for all the cruelty and hurt we put each other through all these years!"
That leaves them both reeling, the impact visible in both their eyes as Kyle's words start to sink in. The pain twisting and writhing in their irises. They both feel like crying. They both feel like screaming, but nothing seems to register, nothing seems possible. Everything has been numbed for now.
Until Kyle mutters, his tears making his vision blurry. "I'm sorry Cartman... I'm going back inside... I'll see you around."
Before Kyle can leave, Cartman grips Kyle's shoulder and pleads with tears in his eyes. "I need you Kahl! Wait, please, I need you! I do, I need you!"
"Stop saying that you need me!" Kyle shouts, pressing his hands to his ears, but Cartman still has this painful hold on him and he realises that the brunette isn't going to give up that easily.
"I don't know what else to say!" Cartman shouts helplessly, in desperation, letting go of Kyle and backing away. Figuring that if he lets Kyle think and breathe for a second, they can still talk for a few more minutes.
But it's a while before Kyle stops trembiling, breathing heavily and not turning around to face Cartman. It's a while before his body stops being racked with tears and his breath isn't stammered by sobs. It's a while before he breathes out painfully "This is too hard..."
"No it's not Kahl! It's simple!" Cartman pleads, grabbing Kyle's hand, he succeeds in making the redhead turn around, but Kyle still shrugs away.
As calmly as he possibly can, Cartman sighs, vowing to make Kyle listen, "I know that you like me. I know how close we've become since Stan left and I know that here's no kind of, middle ground or happy medium for us... We go from hating each other's guts to having these overwhelming, wonderful feelings for each other... There's something between us Kahl, something special. I've felt it for months, years even and now... Now, that it's just the two of us, we can't run from it, we have to face it. But I don't care. Because I love being with you and hanging out with you all the time, I love thinking about you and only talking to you all night when we go to parties. I love how I come home from school smiling about something you said, and how I find out something new about you that I love everyday. I love the fact that all we've got is each other, it's just us, no one else... And I know it sounds crazy but I've never been this happy, you know it's all because of you, right?. But it killed me, us being scared and in denial, but now we don't have to hide anymore. I mean, after our first kiss, didn't you feel like this huge weight had been lifted off your shoulders? Didn't you feel happy? But, fuck, I already know the answer to those questions. I know that you feel exactly the same way, Kahl."
"You're right" Kyle whispers, never feeling so shocked, scared that he might cry again, his chest hurts. But he was still angry, he couldn't seem to shake it off "Well, if you knew about all this months ago, then why didn't you say anything?!"
Cartman rolls his eyes, feeling like an idiot for confessing all those things to Kyle. Damn that amazing Jew. "I don't know..." Cartman whispers, blushing. His anger rears it's head again when he snaps "And you're one to talk!"
"What?"
"Why didn't you say anything?!"
Kyle doesn't know the answer. There's no use in talking because he's too tired, instead, he sighs in anger and exasperation. He finds himself, once again, in Cartman's embrace, their foreheads touching, they stare at each other's lips.
"We're just going in circles" Kyle mutters.
"I know" Cartman replies, speaking softly, before resting his index finger under Kyle's chin and tipping his head up so their lips can meet. And though Kyle has done this before, even if he knows how much he likes it and wants it right now, something tells him he can't. He can't look weak, he can't let this cycle start up again. It's not healthy. He shrugs away violently and angrily shouts, with tears once again running down his face "No Cartman! You can't kiss me and think it will solve all our problems!"
"I don't want solve our problems! All I want to do is kiss you again!" Cartman shouts.
The words had barely escaped from the brunette's mouth before Kyle kissed him again. Looping his arms around Cartman's neck, begging desperately to deepen this intense, angry kiss. An anger which Kyle didn't truly feel, the emotion that was burning inside of him, consuming him, wasn't anger, it was some undeniable passion, desire and love. The kisses went from being forceful and violent to being longing and tentative, their hands greedily touching each other anywhere they wanted, for fear of letting go, of somehow losing this. They kissed each other so desperately that soon they became suffocating, addictive and dizzying.
Their lips parted, entangled tongues seperated for now. But they refused to move, refused to relinquish control of the other. Searing Emerald and flammable Golden Brown burning holes through each other, nervousness mixing with the cocktails of raw, newly discovered emotions that stirred within them. Cartman cupped Kyle's face, still damp from the confused tears he shed, while Kyle had a painful grip on Cartman's hair, but the brunette found some masochistic appeal to it.
The spark was still burning wildly, intoxicating lust made them drawn to each other's lips, exchanging loving chaste kisses over and over. Begging for one last taste, drop, of each other.
And in between those kisses, Kyle moaned longingly "I missed you.."
Cartman smiled shyly, blushing slightly before replying, whispering in a voice mixed with hurt and relief "I missed you too..."
They both smiled at each other, before Kyle captured the words out of Cartman's mouth with another fierce kiss.
December 31st
"You realise we're gonna miss the countdown right?" Cartman laughs as Kyle leads them away from the overly drunk New Year's Eve party crowd. The street is littered with used condoms, cigarette butts, beer bottles and vomit. Oh, and a trampled "Happy New Year" sign which Kenny and Craig stupidly thought they could attach to the telephone wire, there's also a shy glint of confetti on the sidewalk too.
"Shut up..." Kyle giggles, rolling his eyes and softly punching Cartman.
They mindlessly find themselves in a familiar, comforting embrace as they arrive at their secluded spot. Where it seems like the people, this event, this town is a distant memory, something thriving without them a million miles away.
"Seriously Kahl, we're missing out... the chorus of ecstatic, shitfaced teenagers screaming at midnight, the euphoria of when the ball drops on that shitty, black and white tv Clyde managed to pull out of a dumpster... Oh, and most importantly, the rush to find your perfect midnight kiss."
"I don't care. I'd rather be with you, besides I can kiss you at midnight, right?" Kyle replies, leaning in closer, so when he talks, his lips brush against Cartman's, their noses rubbing together.
"Now, Jewboy, just because we've been dating and exclusively kissing each other for a month, doesn't mean you can just assume that I'm going to kiss you at midnight. You have to ask me..." Cartman smiles, leaning in a little closer, tempting Kyle with his soft lips and Kyle almost falls for it before Cartman turns away just in time.
"Fine" Kyle sighs, before closing his eyes and asking in a saccharine voice "Eric Theodore Cartman, will you grant me the honour of kissing you at midnight?"
"Of course" Cartman smirks, running a hand through Kyle's curls before the faint countdown chant awakes them from their delirium.
5
4
3
"I love you" Cartman whispers, bringing Kyle closer so their bodies are pressed up close, sharing the same heat, their heartbeats molding into one.
"I love you too" Kyle replies, his head in a daze as the wonderful impact of that confession really hits him. Too good to be true. The first time they had ever said those powerful three words.
2
1
Cartman leans in and kisses Kyle's trembiling lips, the both of them melting in each other's grip. The brunette's hands travel down to Kyle's waist and his arms coil tightly around it, while the redhead grabs Cartman by his jacket roughly and pulls him forward, deepening their kiss and they shamelessly explore each other's mouths, smiling wickedly at the whimpers and moans they both elicit from one and other.
They pull away, still reeling from their kiss, feeling that familiar pull to each other that they would never lose.
"Happy new year, fatass."
"Happy new year, Jew.."