Disclaimer: I don't own the story, nor could I reach the author at the address given. Wayne, if you're out there, and you don't like me doing this, BITE ME. You should've answered my email. Sharon belongs to Sharon. Ann owns Ann.
I own Amanda (well, duh! It's me!) Armand and company belong to Anne Rice. This MSTing was brought to you by the letters Q and L. WARNING all insanity was written while listening to my prized "Master of Puppets" midi. I can proudly say that I own the midi, as well as this fic.
Author's note: Hi. Any spelling errors are Ann Schumin's fault. Not mine. I don't know how, but they are. Oh, and pardon the lack of host segments. I'm feeling lazy today.
[Insert host segment of your choice here]
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
"Enterpris D versus Imperial Star Destroyer"
by louis@h4h.com (Wayne Poe)
Lestat: Déjà vu deluxe!
Armand: Haven't we been through this already?
CHAPTER 2
All: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!
The Imperial Star Destroyer Chimaera slowed to a halt,
Louis: Driver's ed. class really is a pain in the butt.
its standard TIE Interceptor swarm flying a defense pattern
around it. Captain Pellaeon stared at the forward viewport, at
the alien ship sitting only kilometers away.
Lestat: Oooooh… shiny!
"I want a full sensor scan of that ship, Ensign Ward."
he said, directing his command to the port crew pit.
Armand: Go straight for two miles. Turn left on Mill Lane…
"Aye sir!" came the clipped reply.
Lestat: Yep, it was neatly trimmed.
Pellaeon turned as he heard the approaching footfalls of
Grand Admiral Thrawn approach. The pale blue brows furrowed,
as Thrawn stared at the ship beyond.
Louis: (Thrawn) It blinked! I win!
"Have these new players
Lestat: Hey! I'm the pimp daddy around here!
confiscated the shuttle, Captain?" Thrawn asked.
"No sir, Admiral.
Armand: No sir? Are they all gone?
The shuttle consumed itself just
before we entered the quadrant.
Louis: Sheesh. Talk about your hunger pains.
The spy is dead."
All: (singing) Ding, dong! The spy is dead!
Thrawn's red eyes regarded the captain cooly.
"Interesting that the ship out there did nothing to
help."
All: (yawn)
Pellaeon turned to the Admiral. "I really don't see
what they could have done, sir."
Louis: Get glasses, you dork.
"Neither do I..for now."
Lestat: He must be temporarily blind.
Armand: How do you figure that?
Lestat: He doesn't see now, but he will later.
Louis: You've heard about the blind guy, right?
Lestat and Armand: No…
Louis: He picked up his hammer and saw.
(Lestat and Armand groan)
Thrawn stared hard at the alien
ship,
Armand: Forget it Thrawn, the ship's not going to blink.
traced its lines with his eyes..and a hint of a smile
crossed his lips.
Lestat: Cross my lips and hope to live.
"Captain! Our scan is being returned!" Ensign Ward
called.
Louis: (Ensign Ward) Somebody get this delivery man off of the bridge!
Pellaeon turned toward the crew pit.
Lestat: I get the oddest feeling he's chasing his tail.
Louis: Well, these are the WELL-TRAINED officers of the Imperial Fleet.
Lestat: Yep. I but they're having a DOG-gone good time.
Armand: Cut it out. This is bad PUN-ishment.
Louis: We wouldn't want to give you a-PUN-dicitis.
"Jam their signal, Ensign." he said.
Armand: (Ensign Ward) Grape or raspberry, sir?
Thrawn turned
Lestat: Great. Now Thrawn's chasing his tail.
and walked over to the communications
consoles. Pellaeon went to join him.
Louis: (Pellaeon) Dang Grand Admiral's. They keep falling apart on deck.
"Lieutenant, establish ship to ship communications."
Armand: As opposed to air molecule to air molecule communications?
Thrawn ordered.
Lestat: Two Big Macs, one large fry, and a small Coke.
The Lieutenant complied, and nodded to the
Lestat: Wall.
Admiral to begin. "Unidentified ship, this is Grand Admiral
Thrawn,"
Pellaeon looked at the Admiral with astonishment!
Armand: He was really a woman!
Why would he tell a possibly rebellion-friendly ship who he was?
Louis: (shrug) Why not?
Over the past year, they had taken great pains to prevent the
rebels from knowing about his existence. After all, wasn't
that why they pursued the rebel spy here in the first place?
Armand: I thought they were trying to eliminate the Rebels one by one.
To kill him before he could relay this very fact? The comm
screens cleared, revealing a regal man
Lestat: Picard? Regal? HA!
in some sort of red uniform.
Thrawn continued; "You have strayed into Imperial held
space, and interfered with a recovery mission. We demand you
release the rebel spy to us..immediately."
Louis: Yeah! You… you… you mean people taking up too much space in the story so that there's no room for spaces between '…' and words.
Pellaeon was completely baffled now.
Armand: Yes, well that's not so unusual.
How could that ship have the rebel spy? The man on the screen answered, the comm unit translating his words into basic.
"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Captain-Federation
starship Enterprise.
Armand: Well, I've never heard of that rank before.
We were brought here by misadventure, Admiral.
Lestat: "Misadventure" my left big toe! Riker's behind this and he's done it all on purpose.
We have corrected the error, and will be leaving this
quadrant momentairily."
Louis: That's right! Go on! Get out of here! And take your funny-looking starship with you!
"What is the condition of the pilot you've brought
aboard your vessel, Captain?" Thrawn persisted.
Armand: Let's say it together…
All: He's dead, Jim.
The man on the screen hesitated, then spoke. "He is in
good health. The captain looked over to an officer on his
left, before continuing.
Louis: Waitaminute! Why am I saying my stage directions?
"Our Prime Directive dictates that we comply with your request. If you would permit us a few moments to make the arrangements, we will return him to you."
Lestat: (Picard) Just be sure to keep the radio collar on him so he doesn't rip out his stitches.
Thrawn smiled, but his eyes remained menacing. "I am
Armand: (Thrawn ala. Doctor F.) the God! I am the God! I am the God!
confident that you will. We await your next transmission.
Chimaera out."
Thrawn had the Lieutenant cut communications, and the
screen went blank. He turned to Chimaera's captain. "Close
your mouth, Captain.
Louis: What kind of an order is that?
You resemble a Sarlacc when you leave it
hanging open like that."
Lestat: (Pellaeon) Bite me!
Pellaeon blinked, then closed his mouth, only to open it
again. "But how could you have possibly known?"
Louis: Special people don't need reasons.
Thrawn headed back to the command walkway. He gestured
toward the viewport.
Armand: (Thrawn) Lookit all the shiny-happy starrythingymagies!
"Study her lines, Captain. No hard edges. Pleasing to the eye. That is no warship."
Louis: In fact, it's a piece of cheese.
Pellaeon looked out at the Enterprise, as Thrawn
continued. "Notice the oversised sensor suite? The lack of
heavy weaponry? That is an exploratory vessel."
Pellaeon's brow creased in confusion.
Armand: Yes, well, that's not so unusual.
"Yes...sir. But how did they rescue that pilot?
Lestat: (Thrawn) He jumped through a plot hole.
And how did you know that they did?"
Lestat: (Thrawn) Because I'm special.
Thrawn walked toward the crew pit, and descended the
stairs. Pellaeon followed.
Louis: Oooh… just like a little puppy.
"Ensign," Thrawn said, "Call up the sensor data on that
shuttle just before its destruction.
"Aye sir!" the ensign replied, albeit nervously. His
sensor screen scrawled with graphics and data that the Admiral
requested.
Armand: So many jokes… so little space.
All three watched the screen up to the the point just before the shuttle blew.
"There! Hold!" Thawn commanded. The ensign stabbed the
pause command.
Lestat: (Ensign) Die! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thrawn turned to Pellaeon. "See that abnormal energy reading just before the shuttle exploded?"
All: Nope.
The captain peered closer to the screen. "Yes. What is
that?"
Louis: It's an abnormal sensor reading.
Pellaeon reached over the ensign's shoulder, and called
for a computer analysis on the anomoly. "Some sort of
matter/energy transferance?" He whispered.
He looked up to Thrawn, but the Admiral had already made
his way back up the stairs. Cursing, Pellaeon followed.
Armand: (Pellaeon) Damn the Grand Admiral and his stairs… damn them!
"These explorers are refined human beings, Captain,"
Lestat: As opposed to what? Refined cows?
Thrawn continued, "They would hardly stand by and watch a life
form die." Pellaeon looked again at the alien ship. Its lines
Armand: …were ,in fact, the shiny happy lines that they appeared to be.
resembling a pleasure galleon.
Louis: Y'know, I've always wondered why they call them "pleasure galleons."
Lestat: Well, they're only pleasure galleon if you're horny.
Armand: …
He shook his head. He would
never know how Thrawn could be so certain about his leaps of
logic. As if reading his mind, the Admiral continued his
lesson.
Louis: (Thrawn) If two plus two equal 5, them 3 plus 3 must equal 7.
"Its lines denote the people who built her, Captain. But her configuration, exhaust trail and power curve
Lestat: I'll say! Good thing I drive a Porsche.
specify that that is a matter/antimatter driven craft."
"Certainly not, Admiral. M/A drives are the most
obsolete, inefficient and unstable follys in this galaxy!"
Armand: Yeah!
Thrawn nodded. "Yes, Captain. THIS galaxy...."
Louis: Somebody needs to clean up those extra dots…
Well, that's all for now guys! Part three coming soon!