| Not intended for young audiences. STAR WARS: CHARACTERS Mara Jade Heshla Kelly Leia Organa Solo Han Solo Luke Skywalker Alofe Malovski Dimitri Constantinof(Henchman) Michaela Macerania (Henchman) Ivana Tinkle (Henchman) Narrator( Same person as Malovski) Stage dark and a voice rises. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . someone called a Wookiee fuzz butt and got their arm ripped off. But a little closer to home, in Gotham City, the cast of Batman had all but died out and have been replaced with a bunch of cheap Star Wars left overs. Scene 1 The stage is still dark and we hear a news broadcast. We interrupt this program to bring you this special news bulletin. Good afternoon, I'm Hue Jass with continuing coverage of the bombing earlier on route 15637546876.7675. Our field reporters have just told us that the two 18-wheelers that blew up this morning were loaded with Tripe. There have been no casualties reported so far, but we will keep you posted as this story progresses. Thank you for tuning in, we now will continue with the regularly scheduled program already in progress. I'm Hue Jass for CNN news. Scene 2 Light stage. Coach USL with a TV stand and a TV off to side. There is a table at CS with three chairs around it. Han and Luke are sitting and watching it. Luke- You know what, Han? Martha Stewart is so multi-talented. I mean, she made crab cakes out of three nails and a candle in two minutes! Oh, I want her! Han- Um. . . no! Not if I get her first! (laughing) Luke- (disgusted) Um, yes. You're married. Do you remember the big celebration with cake and relatives then sex for two weeks straight? That was your wedding and honeymoon. (Hans sits up straight and turns to Luke with a surprised look on his face.) Han- That's what that was?! Here I was, thinking you threw that party because you liked me. Luke-I'm sorry to say that's an impossibility. (Enter Mara, Heshla & Leia. Heshla looks distraught.) Leia- Hey, Heshla, did you hear about that whole tripe thingy? (Heshla looks up at Leia then starts to ball.) Mara-(angrily) Way to go, Leia. You know how sensitive she is about tripe. She loves it, she worships it, she kisses the ground that the cows it comes from walk on, she-- Leia- (looking fed up) Alright, I get the point, Mara. Can you say rambling? (Mara takes Heshla to the table and sits down with her. She is still crying. Han gets up from the coach and walks slowly to them with a confused look on his face.) Han- Ah, Heshla is it? Look, I'm really sorry and I feel your pain . . . but I have two questions. (Heshla looks up still crying) One: Who are you? And two: What the heck is tripe? (Heshla stops crying as soon as he says this.) Heshla- You don't know what tripe is? (She stands up) Well, let me tell you what tripe is. (She walks over and takes center stage. The lights dim, leaving her in the spotlight. Ireland's national anthem is playing softly in the background.) In Ireland back in the day when children could run barefoot in the fields without worrying about stepping on used syringes or being abducted by kiddy porn pervs, we had a meal. The best damn meal in the world. And that meal was tripe. It is better then haggis, not as good as hotdogs, but it's a damn good meal! Made from the rich protein of the bovine lower intestine, and wrapped in the oozing goodness of the second stomach, we tried the first, but it wasn't as good. It's taste of chicken and blood is enough to send me for a loop. . . Han- (looking grossed out) O.K. I get the point! A stomach full of crap! Yuck! But that sill doesn't answer my first question. Leia-we needed a third girl. (He nods holding his stomach and walks back to the coach and begins flipping through a TV Guide.) Heshla- But this is a total and compete tragedy. Thousands of pounds of helpless tripe have been lost to the world because one person does not like it. (Turns to Leia and Mara) We must find the ones responsible for this awful crime and make sure that they never do this again! (Luke gets up off the coach and walks over) Luke- Oh God! Not another stupid accursed mission! Luke, save the world from darkness, Luke, save my children, Luke, get my cat out of the tree, Luke, clean your room, Luke, don't pik at that! ( He throws his hands up in frustration.) Leia- Well, who says that you have to be the ones to save everyone? Why can't we do it? Mara- Yeah, we are tired of being the damsels in distress. We want to be the heroes for once! Han- Fine, be my guest. Besides Fried Green Tomatoes is on tonight and I don't want to miss that. (Pointing to the guide. Luke snaps around to face Han) Luke- Oh, my God!! What channel? (Runs to coach and sitting with Han) Mara- Well, Ladies. Its time to do what us women have to do. Leia- But where will we look first? Mara- We can look in the bars first, try to over hear a conversation. Heshla- And I can win their trust with me Irish charm. (Exit girls stage right black out) Scene 3 There is a bar and tables with customers at them. The girls enter in a Charlie's Angels stance. Light music in background. Narr- Will our female heroes find their man? Will they put an end to the tripe disasters? Say tuned and find out. (As the narrator talks, the girls and the people in the bar are looking around wondering where the voice is coming from. Leia stands up) Leia- Charlie? (They walk to the bar) Mara- O.K. Step #1: get drunk and laid. Step #2 is to come back afterwards and find the dastardly culprits and put an end to their little scheme. (A guy walks in stage left and sits down.) Heshla- You see that suspicious looking guy over there? I'll bet my mother's shelaely that he is some how connected with this. Ladies, watch the master at work. (She walks over slowly and seats herself on the table in front of him and crosses her legs, knocking the man's drink over. The guy looks up at her and smiles) Demitri- (German accent)Well, hello little lady. What can I help you with? (Heshla giggles) Heshla- Well, how do you fancy tripe? (Mara and Leia slap their foreheads and groan.) Demitri-(confused) I don't know what you're talking about? Heshla- Of course you don't know. Just like I don't know how much you want me. Come on baby, I know what guys like you want and I can give it to you. (She leans forward to give him a kiss, but, puts her hand over his mouth just before she does) If you tell me what I want to know. Demitri-(looks flustered at first then looks worried) Ah . . . I would take you right here if I didn't have to go . . . DESTROY A SHIPMENT!! Oh crap! I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud! Uh, I gotta go! ( He gets up and runs off stage right.) Heshla- Wait! I like you and you don't have my number! Come back! I have cards! Mara- He's one of them! After him! (the two run out stage right) Heshla-(to the people in the bar.) You know, I don't think that he is one of them. (Exit Heshla SR black out) Scene 4 The stage is empty except for some boxes USR and USL. Black in the beginning. Narr- And so our brave heroines strike out after their only lead to the Klux Tripe Klan. They followed the stranger into what seemed to be an empty warehouse, but in truth, was anything but. For, you see, it was stuffed to the rafters with stolen tripe! (Enter SR the girls) Mara- I think he went in here. Heshla- Do you think that they will see us? (Leia walks in behind Heshla wearing glow in the dark make up.) Leia- Nah, we blend in like shadows. (The lights flick on to reveal a man stroking a cat with three henchmen at his sides) Malovski-Well, you finally managed to track me down. I was expecting you sooner. I was also expecting you to be men. Although, you are easier to look at then Mark Ham . . . I mean Luke Skywalker. Heshla- you horrible, horrible tart you! How dare you bereave me of my native tripe?! I shall smite thee! (Demitri steps forward) Demitri- "I shall smite thee?" That is so 16th century and . . . wait a minute its you! My love from the bar! (He starts smiling) My name is Dimitri. Heshla- Mine is Heshla. You ran off before I could give you . . . Malovski- Whoa! Hold on here! Dimitri, what have I told you about socializing with the enemy? (Dimitri looks to the floor and and steps backwards) Dimitri- I am nothing more then a lousy henchman. Being a henchman gives me no special privileges when it comes to hitting on the enemy. Mara- Heshla, they are the enemy! They have blown up your precious tripe. Think about it! (Heshla and Dimitri continue to stare at each other.) Malovski- besides, they are surrounded and out gunned. Once you are dead nothing will stop me from realizing my dream of ridding the world of tripe forever! (he laughs) Narr- will our tripe loving trio be able to escape unharmed? Tune in next time. Same tripe time, same tripe channel. (Black out) Scene 5 Han and Luke are seated on the coach and they are painting their toenails. Narr- meanwhile, back at the tripe headquarters, our homemakers are primping themselves. Luke-(disgusted) I don't know if this color really goes with my skin tone. Han- Here, let me see.(he turns and takes a look at the color the makes a gay gesture.) Oh, don't be silly, it looks just dandy, honey. (Black out) Scene 6 Mara, Heshla and Leia are tied to chairs looking bored and Malovski is standing doing nothing. Narr- Will our tripe loving trio make it out alive? Find out next. . . ( The group still do nothing) Micheleana- (nudging Malovski with his elbow) I think that was your Cue. Malovski- Shhh. I'm waiting for my Cue. Micheleana- But, Sir, I think . . . (Malovski puts his hand in Micheleana's face) Narr- which is now. . .(they still do nothing) Ivana- ah, boss? I think that this time really was your Cue. Boss, are you listening to me? Mara- would you be quiet! We are trying to listen for our Cue. Now thanks to you we may have missed it! Ivana- no really, you have already missed it twice! Heshla- Oh boy, if you know what's good for you, you'll shut up real flaming quick! Narr- Ahhh! At the end of this sentence. . . (they begin looking around.) Mickeleana- Look I really think that the narrator is getting mad . . . All- Shut up! Narr- Oh for gods sake PERIOD! (The four on stage whip their heads up) All- Now? Ivana- Yes you idiots! We have been trying to tell you for the past oh I don't know Five cue lines that you should be talking now! God, you all are stupider then you look! Malovski- Would you quit your complaining and let me say my lines! (grumbliing) It's so har to get good henchmen these days. ( Malovski clears his throat) Now that you are here you can no longer foil my plans to rid the world of tripe! Mara- You will never get away with this, Malovski! I'm going to rip off your arm and stuff it up your nose! Leia- If I get a hold of you I'll rip off your leg and shove it another hole! Heshla- Oh, these ropes are so nice and soft on my skin. It's like silk. Demitri- I made sure you got the soft ones. (Heshla giggles) Mara-(rolls her eyes) Look, we are making threats at bodily damage. You two will have lots of time to gawk at each other after we vanquish the bad guys. Malovski- Come on Men...(Ivana looks at him evilly.) And woman, we have more important things to take care of. . . Like my new Persian rug! Walk this way! (He prances out stage right and the hench people prance out after him) Mara- We have to find a way out of this. Heshla- Well, what do you suggest? Mara- Do you still have your knife? (While Heshla and Mara are talking, Leia slips free from the ropes and begins to file her nails) Heshla- No, he took everything, even you guy's lightsabers. Mara- Damn it! Heshla- I guess we'll . . .( Sees Leia is free) How did you get free? Leia- Huh? I'm just doing my nails. Mara- Well free us you stupid. . .Ughh!(Leia frees them.) Heshla- Now lets go kick some tripe hating butt! Luke-(disembodied)Uh, hey Trip-Loving-Trio? Heshla-Charlie? Luke-No, Luke. The narrator just let me use the microphone. Mara-(tiredly)Well, what is it? What do you want? Luke-Uh . . . I don't suppose you guys know where the TV remote is? Leia-No. Mara-No. Heshla-Did you check on top of the TV? Luke-Oh! There it is! Great! Um, do you know how to replace the toilet paper? We can't seem to be able to figure it out. Mara-We'd better go back before they blow up the house. Leia-Besides, we need to eat. All this talk about trip has got me starved. (They walk off stage right. Black out) Scene7 Back to Luke and Han who now have mud masks on and cucumber slices over their eyes. Narr- Back at home base. Han- Its so nice to let the ladies handle the crime fighting crap. Luke- Yeah, I just hope that their weak feminine bodies can handle the rough and tough world of crime. Han- Don't let Leia catch you saying that or she will kick you into the next millennium. (Silence) Luke- Hanny? Can I ask you question? Han- Yes? Luke- Is the burning and the flaking skin normal? (Han gives a gay gesture) Han- Of course! Its part of the cleansing process. (Enter Heshla, Leia, and Mara. They stop when they see Han and Luke.) Mara-What the hell— (Luke and Han jump up. The cucumbers fall off of their faces.) Han-(surprised)Leia! What are you doing back so soon? Luke-Yeah, usually it's at least another hour before we're done saving the world . . . and et cetera. Leia-Well, we had come back to get some food but it seems that you're wearing it on your face! Han-Isn't this that face cream-stuff you guys always use? Heshla-No, it's my trip past. I was going to make some trip today but they were all out of cow stomachs. (Han and Luke look at each other for a moment. Then Luke covers his mouth as if he's about to vomit.) Leia-(sighing, picking up two face cloths from the table) Look, here's some face cloths. (Han and Luke each take one and start to wipe off the trip past. Han sits back down on the couch and Leia sits down besides him. Luke gives here a dirty look and sits on her opposite side. Mara and Heshla sit down at the table and start to eat what's left of the trip past.) Leia-So what are we going to do now? Luke-Well, how far are you. Mara-What do you mean? Luke-Well, have you found the evil guys headquarters? Heshla-Yeah . . . Han-Well, d'uh! You're supposed to be having your huge fight scene right about (looks at watch) seventeen minutes ago. Luke-Amateurs. Mara-Excuse me? Amateurs?! Look little wiener boy, I could take you in a minute. Luke-Well, then, bring it on! (Luke and Mara circle for a second and then Mara stops, rolls her eyes, and quickly jabs Luke on the forehead with the palm of her hand, completely knocking him over.) Heshla-You done? Mara-Yup, lets go. Scene 8 Malovski is sitting cross legged on a rug henchmen at his sides. Malovski- Isn't this great, Mr. Fluffy? My new Persian rug. (Enter girls from stage right) Heshla- Stop you! We have escaped and we now can stop you from carrying out your evil plans! Malovski-(jumps up in surprise) How did you get free? My trap was fool proof! Mara- #1 that was no trap and #2. . .well never mind #2 Malovski- No matter, my henchmen will make short work of you. Fight scene. Mara gives a punch to the head Narr- Pow! Heshla kicks in the crotch Narr- crunch! Leia slaps in the face. Narr- Come on Honey, you can do better then that! Leia- I broke a nail! You bastard! (jumps on Demitri and starts to punch him in an uncontrolable rage) Ivana-BREAKDOWN! (Everyone starts to dance) Malovski- now is our chance RUN! (Exit Mal & henchmen SR) Mara- Their getting away! (Mara exits SR, with Heshlea and Leia qick to follow. A moment latter Malovski and the hench people enter from SR) Micheleana-I think we have lost them. Malovski- WAIT!(the henchmen freeze and look around) Wipe your feet before you step on my carpet! Leia-(off stage) I think they went back in there! (Malovski and men/woman try to get out of the room but they are stopped.) Heshla- Stop. . Heshla, Mara, Leia- Right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch . . . Ivana- No please! If you have a shred of human decency in you don't sing that awful song! Heshla- this is the end for you, Malovski! You will no longer rob the world of tripe. In this day and age people are more open to change. Tripe, haggis and hotdogs are all made from the same stuff, roughly. Don't judge tripe by the way it tastes, judge it by the way it looks. Pizza looks like someone threw up on bred dough and you eat that. So all I ask is that you give it a chance. Malovski- (inching toward a box and grabbing gun from behind it) I have tried it and I hate it even more then spinach and I hate spinach even more then tripe. Every time I would try to get rid of spinach my mommy would ground me. But mommy can't ground me now!!! (shoots Mara) Mara- Oh I have been wound'd! A bloody gushing soon to be festering wound! Oh my dear friends, I shall miss the in thin world here after. Please, do one favor more for me, tell ye Han that he has the mannerisms of a fare maiden and the mind of the child that I shall never bare. Tell Luke that thin stupid farm boy need to get thinself a life. Leia- What do you mean? Mara- I am dying you moron! Do you see the red junk pouring out of the hole in my gut that I have been smearing all over your shirt because it is so ugly? That color is so yesterday! (Mara then coughs in Leia's face several times and then goes limp. Heshla starts to freak out) Malovski- Jeez! Your bleeding all over my new rug! I just made the last payment on the this morning! Leia- That's what you get for killing her! Malovski- Now I must dispose of the witnesses! (Heshla and Leia take off SL and Mara grabs Malovski's leg) Malovski- What are you doing? You are getting blood everywhere! I hope you know that you are cleaning that up! Mara- Blood never comes out! Believe me, I know! (Malovski makes his way off SL, with Mara being dragged along behind him. There is a moment of silance before Heshla and Leia enter SL and stop CS. Malovski enters SL) Malovski- Now that I have kicked that corpse off my leg, I will get rid of you! (Leia jumps into Heshla's arms) Malovski- Nothing can stop me . . . (Enter Mara) Mara- Except me! Heshla- Your alive!!! (she drops Leia) Mara- Turns out that it was just cherry Kool Aid. Go figure. Leia-(getting up) You were going to squirt me with cherry Kool Aid! Do you know what a crime against fashion that would be? Malovski- Not with that shirt. Leia- What's wrong with the god damn shirt? (While Mara begins to fight with Malovski, Demitri moves to Heshla and Leia watches.) Leia- Heshla why aren't you helping? (Mara gives a Xena call) Heshla-(looking up from him)I don't think Mara needs the help. She seems to be having fun all by her self. Mara- What the hell are you doing? Malovski-(doubled over) Dimitri! You know the rule about sex with the enemy! (the rest of the hench people enter SR) Dimitri- Hey boss, screw you! I really don't like the way that you treat us! As a matter of fact I am morally opposed to how you treat us. Ivana- Yeah! Why should we have to put up with this? We are people too, you know! We have feelings and aspirations just like anyone else in the world. I say we go on strike! Micheleana- I'm not going on strike! I QUIT! (He walks out) Dimitri- Me too! Come on Heshla. (Exit Dimitri & Heshla hand in hand. Leia shrugs follows. Malovski looks over at the mutiny and then Mara nails him in the crotch. Black out) Scene 9 Han and Luke sitting on the coach balling. Han- It really is a wonderful world. (Black out) Narr- And so our story ends, the tripe is finally safe and our heroes escaped dirty but unscathed. Heshla is now happily married to Dimitri, Luke and Han are still exploring their feminine sides and now thanks to Mara, Malovski will never be able to reproduce. As for the devilishly hansom narrator that no one saw, he has moved on to bigger and better things and is very available guys . . I mean girls Ha Ha. |
Star Wars: Genesis (spoof)-Tripe
By: Cyan
This isn't really part of the series, but you'll pee yourself laughing.
Rated: Fiction T - English - Words: 3,885 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 11/25/1999 - id: 3084
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Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten
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