[INTRODUCTION] Over the hills and far away, Teletubbies come to play. [Show picture montage of the foursome hugging, chasing Noo-Noo around, and slowly taking over New York City one tourist trap at a time].
[Play "Palo Mino" by Mates of State in the background as voiceovers are made]
Tinky-Winky: I'm just your normal gay who wants to have a good time.
Dipsy: If you wanna have some fun, I'm your guy.
Laa-Laa: I'm the nicest slut you'll ever meet…
Po: -giggles-
Tinky-Winky, alone in his new bedroom, studied the new messenger bag hanging in his closet and sighed. It was a nice bag—Louis Vuitton, made with leather with gold accents. But it wasn't his magic purse. The producers banned anything magic, because they didn't want the tubbies to be any freakier than they already were to humans. Methaddiction High was one of the most tolerant "alternative" schools in the area but even it had some limits.
He looked at himself in the mirror. The same face that he'd seen for sixteen years stared back at him. Pale white skin, big brown eyes, purple fur and a huge triangle antennae that made him go from 5'8" to well over six foot. His eyes glimmered a little like they always did when he was trying to hold back emotions. The first day of school was tomorrow… and unlike the others, he didn't know if he'd make any new friends at all.
Fortunately, before he could freak out any more, Laa-Laa poked her head into the door. Easily the most attractive out of the four of them, Laa-Laa was a bright yellow with a tanned face and a dimpled smile. She almost never stopped smiling. Before they'd moved to Brushville, she'd been a huge slut among the other Tubby boys. (Yes, there were many more than the four famous cousins, but few of them were ever seen by prying human eyes. They didn't favor the camera like these four did.) Her favorite pick-up line was "Wanna come watch my TV?". She'd gotten more action and had experimented with other girls long before Tinky-Winky even knew what being gay meant, which was pretty sad, seeing as he was a whole year older than her.
"Hey, Twinks," she said, using her old nickname for him. She still spoke with a giggly lilt, but they'd long ago dropped the infamous "Eh-oh", which was a common Tubby greeting. They wanted to blend in as much as they possibly could here. "Have you seen my pink tutu? I was planning on wearing it tomorrow." Tinky-Winky and Laa-Laa shared a whole closet of tutus in every color imaginable, something that the producers had actually let them keep doing. It was tradition and no one messed with tradition.
"Umm," he said, stalling for time. "Which pink one?" They had many shades of pink. But he knew she meant…
"The light pink one, of course," she said a bit huffily. "My favorite?" Laa-Laa liked to make first impressions in the light pink tutu.
Tinky-Winky's whole face turned red. "Oh, well, see, I wanted to wear it."
"Oh." The smile on Laa-Laa's face disappeared, and for a moment, she looked a little angry. It was all over in a second, though, and it left Tinky-Winky wondering if he'd imagined it all. "That's all right, Twinks! I'll just wear the aqua one instead," she said with a small giggle. "It matches my TV when it's on."
"Thanks," said Tinky-Winky. "It means a lot to me."
"Of course. Oh, and won't you join us downstairs? Dipsy just opened a new carton of chocolate ice cream, and you know what that means…"
..
Laa-Laa tried to contain her rage as that bumbling idiot Tinky-Winky made his way down the stairs, tripping halfway and sliding on his bum the rest of the way down. He'd just gone and completely ruined all her plans for tomorrow! He had no idea how important that pink tutu was to her. It was just a regular tutu but Laa-Laa was convinced it had magical properties. Why, she'd been wearing it in almost every big achievement of her life. Just last week it had been around her waist when she'd taken the virginity Wonky Tonk, the completely black Teletubby with an intimidatingly large diamond antenna. And Tinky-Winky thought he could just waltz in and take all her glory? No way.
No f—ing way.
She narrowed her eyes. Some way or another, that tutu was going to be hers tomorrow. She was going to guarantee it.
No matter what had to be done.
..
"What's taking Laa-Laa so long?" asked Po timidly, taking a sip of her sparkling Perrier. It was no tubby custard, that was for sure, but she liked the bubbles that sprang up onto her tongue and tickled her throat on the way down. She could live with that.
Across the table, Dipsy shoved another huge spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. He had eaten the entire carton of chocolate and was now halfway through the strawberry. If he kept going like that, Po thought, he'd no longer be only teletubby. He'd be tele-obese.
"No clue," said Dipsy after a huge burp. He set his spoon down. Usually, a carton was all he could take before the stomachache would come on and he'd be forced to dance it all off. "She's probably upstairs trying on some lipstick or something."
Po doubted that. Laa-Laa wasn't the type to go exploring all by herself. She was the type of tubby that hated being alone. If anything, Laa-Laa was probably in one of her moods.
"Are you sure?" asked Po in her soft-spoken way. She turned to Tinky-Winky. "Did she seem… upset when you were up there?"
The purple teletubby considered for a moment. He wasn't the brightest of the bunch—Po was—but he definitely wasn't clueless, either. "Nope," he said finally. "She did seem a little disappointed when I told her that I'd be wearing the light pink tutu to school, but she's irresistible to this gay charm." He grinned.
Po's heart speeded up double time. "You mean the light pink tutu as in Laa-Laa's favorite light pink tutu?" If she was right, then he might be screwed.
Tinky-Winky nodded. "Yup. But she understood."
"Oh no, Tinky! Please, please let her wear it tomorrow." Po's face paled as she thought of what Laa-Laa might do if she didn't get her way. "Please, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top!" she wailed. "This is important, you have no idea how crucial it is that Laa-Laa be wearing that tutu tomorrow. Please!"
"Oh," said Tinky-Winky, who sensed that something was wrong. "She can have it, I guess, if it means that much to her."
Po exhaled and the world turned back to normal. "Thank you, Tinky-Winky," she said gratefully. "You have no idea how important that was to me."
..
Dipsy saw the whole thing through a strawberry-and-chocolate haze. He saw Tinky-Winky laugh and noticed all the color go out of Po's already deathly white face. At any other time, he would have wondered what was going on, but the effects of the ice cream binge was already starting to get to him. He needed to get outside and get moving.
The backyard of 415 Brushville Drive was wide and spacious, but nothing compared to the vast rolling hills of Teletubbyland. He closed his eyes, hummed a Michael Jackson tune, and let his feet take over.
It was weird, dancing with no tunes except for the ones in his head. Back home, whenever he so much as thought of dancing, music would come out of nowhere, making the experience all the more joyful. Even without it, though, he soon lost himself to the world of dance. Tinky-Winky, Laa-Laa, and Po's petty little problems melted away and all he could see was an endless plain of grass and sky, where he could be as long as he wanted. Or as long as he could before he had to go to school tomorrow.
..
Po had been right. Laa-Laa was furious. She stood in front of her full-length mirror, trying on all sorts of different tutus and trying to get herself to calm down. The others couldn't see her like this, couldn't see her lose control just because of some silly little tutu. Just think of all the blessings that came with this new place, she thought.
The master bedroom. She'd gotten the first pick. It was fully furnished with white walls, huge full-length mirrors, and most importantly, an ornate king-sized bed with a Tempur-pedic memory foam mattress. Laa-Laa sank into it and was soon distracted by a nice fantasy of taking her first human conquest right here, on this bed. She could just imagine it now…
"Laa-Laa!" Po burst through the door without knocking first. Okay, so maybe Laa-Laa had left it open, but so what? Ladies needed their privacy and the others would have to adjust. Just because they'd all slept in little cots on the floor in their old house didn't mean they had to be so vulgar here.
What is it now? Laa-Laa thought irritably. She rolled over in bed and forced herself to smile joyfully. "Oh, hi, Po! I was just getting some rest. Don't you just love this new house?"
"Cut the crap, Laa-Laa," said Po in her usual gentle way. "I convinced Tinky-Winky to let you wear the light pink tutu tomorrow."
"Oh." At once Laa-Laa's voice became truly joyful again. She couldn't wait to start school with actual people. Armed with her tutu, she knew that she was capable of anything once more.
"Laa-Laa?" Po's voice sounded a little unsure. "You… you sure you're okay?"
"Okay?" Laa-Laa slipped off the bed and picked Po up, bridal-style. "Of course I'm okay, silly! Now I have to go down and thank Tinks. Thank you, Po."
"No problem," said Po. "Only…"
Laa-Laa stopped. "What?"
"Could you put me down?" Po looked embarrassed. "I'm fourteen now. I can walk."
"Oh. Sure." Laa-Laa set her down carefully and went down the stairs in search of Tinky-Winky. But before she could get there, a movement in the window caught her eye. She moved in for a closer look.
And she couldn't believe what she saw…
[TO BE CONTINUED]