Author's Note
For all my fans out there, I would like to let you know that I am working on the fifth instalment of Forever and Always and I want you all to know that I will be I will be posting further updates for Forever and Always Volume I as soon as I have revised and toned down on certain themes.
I am currently revising my story and the way I wrote it. I have changed it to the present tense and I am toning down on certain...themes. There is still a lot of work to be done before I will be posting further updates. I would also like to let you know that Forever and Always continues in Volume II, III, IV and V and I will be posting them in the near future...
But for now, I would like to introduce my new story:
Healing Carver (Merrill & Carver).
Healing Carver can be considered a tie in to Forever and Always, but this story focuses on Merrill and Carver and it is told entirely from Merrill's point of view. Some of you will pick up on certain themes that might be offensive, but read it at your own risk.
Notes on Elvish Language
I will be using phrases from the Elvish language in this story and the phrases remain the property of BIOWARE as do certain plot themes, locations and characters I may use.
Elvish phrases are as follows with the English definition:
Ma'serannas - Thank you
Emma'abelas - I am sorry or sorrow
Ma'arlath - I love you
Emm'asha - My girl
Emma'lath - My love
Emma sa'lath - My one love
Emma'vhenan - My heart
Aneth'ara - Social greeting that translates into 'my safe place'
Andaran atish'an - Enter this place in peace or 'I dwell in this place, a place of peace'
Dareth'shiral - Farewell / safe journey
Da'len - Little child
Healing Carver by SammyGal123
Chapter 01
I glance anxiously at Keeper Marethari who has just informed me that I am no longer welcome amongst the Dalish. I can't blame her, I think, as I make my way to the path leading to Sundermount. I pause at the top and I take a deep breath of fresh air. I love being out in the open because it makes me feel free. I twirl around and I laugh, but I am quickly sobered by the disapproving look of a couple of elves who make a wide berth to avoid me as they pass me. A hard lump forms in my throat and I am quickly reminded of something the Keeper told me:
"You made your choice, da'len when you summoned a demon to try and bring Tamlen back from beyond that mirror that was poisoned by the darkspawn taint. You have to live with the consequences of blood magic and the possibility that you have made yourself vulnerable to demon possession..."
I close my eyes as a lump forms in my throat. I have no idea where to go from here. I had been with this Dalish Clan since I was four years of age. I never knew my mother. I sit down and wrap my arms around myself, trying to find some solace, but none comes, instead the events that led me to blood magic, springs unbidden to my mind...
I am sitting by the fire listening to one of Hahren's Paivel stories, actually I am not concentrating on what he is saying because it is story I am familiar with. It is about Shartan who joined Andraste's rebellion against the Tevinter Imperium. He wanted a homeland for elves so that we could once again live as free as anyone else. He encouraged his fellow elven slaves to rise up against their Tevinter masters. Because the elves supported Andraste we were given a homeland in the Dales. I stand and move away from the warm fire. I am anxious about my friend Tamlen. I wander restlessly towards Keeper Marethari's aravel and I huddle in front of the blazing fire and stare unseeingly into the flames. I look up when I hear the familiar footfalls of the Keeper and by her very grave expression; I know something is terribly wrong.
"Keeper?" I whisper. I cannot shake the sudden sense of foreboding that has descended like a black cloud.
"Da'len, I have terrible news..."
I give myself a mental shake and I try to ignore the pain that is threatening to overwhelm me. I stand and head to a rock that overlooks the Dalish Camp and I sit down, hanging my legs over the edge and once again I am pulled back into my memory...
"He's gone? How?" I barely whisper. I am numb. I can't quite believe what she has told me.
"He found something in the ruins not far from here," she says.
"What did he find, Keeper?" I ask.
"An Eluvian - a mirror, except it was tainted by some dark magic. His fellow hunter said that Tamlen was drawn to the power it emanated. He touched the mirror...and disappeared. His fellow hunter barely made it here. He lived long enough tell me what happened. He passed onto the Beyond half-an-hour ago..."
I take a deep breath and furiously wipe my eyes. I loved Tamlen and I only realised that after he disappeared and the pain I felt at the time was crippling. We left Ferelden four years ago and I brought the mirror with me. We settled here, in Sundermount after spending two years travelling the land. When it was discovered by the Keeper, she was horrified...
"Merrill, that mirror is evil and tainted. Why bring it with you?" she asks.
"Because I don't believe Tamlen is dead, Keeper and I am going to find a way to fix it with or without your consent," I reply.
"Da'len, you cannot repair the mirror," she says softly.
"Why not, Keeper?" I ask.
"Because it is dangerous and besides how are you going to repair it?" she asks. I look away from her so that she cannot see my face.
"I will find a way," I reply...
I bury my head in my hands. Recently, I attempted to cleanse the mirror with normal magic. It did not work. I slit my wrists and summoned a demon who promised to give me the power necessary to repair the mirror. Blood magic is the foulest form of magic a mage can resort to and that is what I became - a blood mage, the most feared of all mages out there. The Keeper was furious with me and my clansmen couldn't wait to be rid of me. They claimed I brought bad luck upon the clan. I was beginning to think it was true especially since we lost our herd of Halla – beautiful white creatures that pulled our aravels. I wander back to the camp and I try ignoring the looks of loathing from my fellow clansmen. I settle myself in front of the fire by the Keeper's aravel. It is the only place I feel safe. She sits opposite me
"Da'len, I am expecting someone to arrive with an amulet... I don't know who to expect, but I suspect it might be a shemlen," she says quietly.
"Why would a shemlen come here?" I ask.
"She made a promise to Asha'bellanar to bring the amulet to me..." she replies. "And this shemlen is close by. I can feel the amulet's power," she says.
"What do you want me to do, Keeper?" I ask.
"Perform The Dalish Rite for the Departed. You know of which one I speak," she replies. I close my eyes. Of course I know what she is talking about. It is the same ritual or song we performed in memorial of Tamlen. My heart clenches painfully at the memory, but I quickly recover myself.
"Yes Keeper," I murmur.
"Wait for them at the top of the mountain path," she says as she stands. "Mmm...She is here," she murmurs. I walk away thinking how in the Creator's name does she know it is a she? I shrug my shoulders and sit down at the top of the path. I allow my magic to flow and in no time, my hands are covered in a bluish aura. At least my spell does not have the usual red tinge. I am comforted by the thought.
o0o
A few minutes later, I hear footfalls. I hastily break my spell. It makes a whooshing sound and I hope no-one has heard it because I don't want to answer any questions, least of all, not to strangers. I stand up and I pause. Someone is watching me and I tingle in anticipation. I have not felt this way since Tamlen. I slowly turn around and I meet an intense pair of blue eyes. I am momentarily shocked. I search this face and for a moment, I think some emotion flickers across his face, but he quickly lowers his eyes. I give myself a mental shake and I take note of the woman...shemlen, standing in front of me. She has tousled black hair and light blue eyes that are kind and compassionate. She moves suddenly and she slips her hand into someone's hand. She moves aside and a man...shemlen, stands beside her. He has light brown hair and light brown eyes that are also compassionate, but they are wary and there is something else I can't quite place my finger on. He whispers something to her and she blushes deeply. They are obviously involved and I am proven correct when she kisses him. I'm surprised by the way she moulds herself to her man. They obviously have known each other for quite some time.
"Not again," the blue-eyed man...shemlen says and he scowls at them. There is something almost dangerous and possessive in his eyes as he glances at the woman...shemlen.
"Shut up," she murmurs. She moves to the side and a woman with red hair and green eyes steps forward. She glances at the blue-eyed man who glares defiantly at her before he rests his gaze on me. I suddenly very extremely self-conscious and I blush. I lower my eyes to my knotted hands.
"Are you Merrill?" the blue-eyed woman asks. I raise my eyes.
"I...I am," I reply.
"I am Marian Amell-Hawke," she says softly.
"I am pleased to meet you, Marian, but the rest?" I ask.
"Oh, my apologies. The defiant young man is Carver Hawke, my brother," she replies without any humour whatsoever. He scowls at her and folds his arms.
"And I am Aveline Vallen. I am pleased to meet you, Merrill," the red-haired woman says kindly.
"And you are?" I ask, motioning to the man standing next to Marian.
"Anders... My name is Anders," he replies. He smiles warmly at me as does Marian. I glance at Carver, but he is not looking at me.
"What was that noise a while ago?" Marian asks.
"What noise? I didn't hear anything," I answer quickly, too quickly, but if she notices, she doesn't react.
"You seem awfully nervous," she says.
"I...I am not used to seeing so many shemlens," I reply defensively.
"Hey, we won't harm you," she says kindly.
"Really?" Carver smirks and I glance at him. He is so handsome and his eyes crinkle in wry amusement. He briefly catches my eye and in that split second something passes between us. His eyes widen and become a deep shade of blue and I blush. I hastily look anywhere but at him, yet I am drawn to him. I raise my eyes and I study him. He is tall and very broad across the chest. He's wearing a light blue sleeveless shirt that is stretched across his chest showing his muscular frame and his arms are just as muscular. I take note of his hands and they are large. I dare not stray to his legs because, no doubt, they are just as muscular as the rest of him. He realises I'm studying him and he glares at me. I quickly look away because he intimidates me.
"Merrill, I take it you have been expecting me for quite some time," Marian says.
"Yes, we have," I whisper.
"Keeper Marethari told us you are leaving the clan... Why?" She asks. I look into her kind face and for no reason at all, I want nothing more than to sit down and weep.
"I...I have to...Let's leave it at that shall we?" I murmur hoarsely.
"Very well... Have you met Flemeth?" She asks.
"She is known as Asha'bellanar to my people and no, I have not met her. I've heard that most people who have met her end up in pieces hanging from the trees," I reply.
"She doesn't sound very friendly, but she did help is in getting to Kirkwall," she says.
"We need to go. Asha'bellanar is not known for her patience," I say as I turn away from her, but mostly it is because I don't want to look at Carver anymore. If I do, I am going to collapse to the ground.
o0o
I can't quite meet everyone's eyes as we stand in a clearing that is littered with corpses we have destroyed. The veil is very thin and all sorts of evil things prowl the mountain paths.
"Another bloody mage, Marian," Carver says resentfully. I briefly catch his eye and he scowls at me and both Marian and Anders look at me with kindness in their eyes. How long is that going to last?
"Keeper Marethari never mentioned you were a mage," she says softly.
"All Keepers know a bit of old magic. The stories tell us that all elvhen once had the gift, but like so many things, it was lost. It is a Keeper's job to remember, to restore what we can," I explain.
"Can't demons possess Dalish mages?" she asks.
"It can happen and when it does, the clan must hunt and kill their Keeper or any other Dalish mage who is possessed," I reply.
"Does the Chantry know about the Dalish mages?" she asks.
"Oh they know. Keeper Marethari told me that was one of the reasons we never camped too long in one place. They usually won't pursue us if we stay away from the cities and keep moving," I reply.
"Do you have any idea how fortunate you are?" Anders asks and he wants to say more, but she shakes her head.
"Love, not right now... You can vent...later," she says. So they are together...
"Later, you say?" he says as he grins at her. She smiles sweetly at him before she turns to me.
"But my clan is now in more danger, having lost our Halla," I murmur.
"Merrill, if you go to Kirkwall, you'll be an apostate in a city crawling with Templars," she says.
"I know, but if I don't go to Kirkwall, I'll be...alone and a solitary elf is easy prey for anyone. In the city I can get lost in the crowd," I explain.
"Why are you leaving your clan?" she asks.
"I have to leave my clan, Marian. I have no choice and right now I don't want to discuss it."
"I'm just trying to understand, Merrill. What Anders and I would give to be living away from Kirkwall, but I won't press you further. Thanks for your help, though back there," she says.
"Oh! You are welcome. I was not sure I would be much good. I've done a little fighting before, but it was always alone," I murmur.
"Well, thanks for your help," she says kindly.
"Pleasure... I try not hitting anyone." I can't hide my smile and I glance at Carver. He is watching me intently and his eyes darken considerably. Something flickers in his eyes, but he recovers himself and walks past without looking at me.
"Well, I think you did a remarkable job back there," she says and my heart swells with mage pride.
"You are too kind, Marian," I whisper.
"I think we should move along. This amulet feels as if it is weighing me down...," she says.
"I can carry it for while, love," Anders says.
"Absolutely not, Anders. We tried that and what good did it do?" she asks. I frown, not understanding what she means.
"But you look terrible, Mari," he says.
"Anders, I said no..." she says firmly.
"Fine...I don't like being here anymore than you do, Mari. The veil is very thin and I feel vulnerable," he says. She turns around and reaches for his hands. What does he mean, by feeling vulnerable?
"Andy, I feel it to, love. Just relax," she says.
"Merrill, can we move along now?" she asks.
"Yes, follow me," I reply. We walk up the mountain path in silence. Not a bird or bee is heard as we make our way to a camp. As we near, one of my clansmen approaches us. He glares at me.
"So the Keeper finally found someone to take you from here," he says.
"Yes," I reply, looking away from him. His words cut me to the core and I quickly brush a tear away before the others see me.
"Then finish your task quickly, shemlen. We cannot be rid of this one too soon," he says, pushing past me. I stumble and a strong hand curls around my upper arm.
"Merrill, be careful." I look up and straight into Carver's blue eyes. Again, his eyes darken considerably.
"I...I," I stammer. He gently releases my arm and strides ahead of us.
"Isn't Dalish camaradie delightful?" Anders says.
"Shut up, love. There is something else going on here," Marian murmurs.
"I have made my choice and I will save our clan, whatever you think," I call at the elvish back that is striding away from me. I straighten myself and focus my attention on Marian who seems concerned.
"What is going on here, Merrill?" she asks.
"It is nothing. Just ignorance. We should go," I reply. I follow Carver who is standing by a rockslide.
"Where to now, Merrill? We can't continue this way," he says quietly.
"There is a cave further up the path. We have to go through it to get to the other side," I reply.
"Okay. Lead on," he says without even looking at me. I am confused. One minute he appears concerned and in the next minute, he is angry. I lead them up the path and I stop at the entrance to the cave. The look of loathing I saw in my clansmen's eyes doesn't leave me and more than anything, I want to sit down and weep. I am very close to doing just that. I turn around and gaze at Marian who is speaking to Anders. Carver is standing behind them, scowling and Aveline appears as if she is thinking about something.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out. Marian turns her gaze on me and she frowns.
"For what?" she asks.
"You are not really seeing the Dalish at their best. We are good people who look out for each other. Just not today, apparently," I reply.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asks.
"It is kind of you to ask, but I'm fine. Even if my people don't appreciate my efforts, I must see this through," I reply. I am deeply touched by the kindness in her eyes, but I can't shake the feeling that is all going to change very soon. I compose myself.
"Let us go... Asha'bellanar isn't known for her patience," I murmur.
o0o
A deadly silence has fallen over us and it is suffocating me. I don't know where to look. My wrists are dripping with blood from where I cut myself to use my blood magic to break the barrier preventing us from venturing into the elven graveyard. The way forward is open, but I cannot move and I cannot meet any of their gazes. I briefly glance at Carver and his eyes are full of loathing and disgust and for some reason, it hurts me. I break my gaze with him and I glance anxiously at Marian who is at a loss for words and Anders – his eyes are narrowed and there is a look of loathing as well.
"The way forward is open," I murmur, finding my voice at last.
"That...That was a summoning. That takes blood magic. Are you crazy?" Anders asks. He can't quite hide his disapproval and he glances at Marian who has yet to say anything.
"Yes, it was blood magic, but I know what I am doing. The spirit helped us, didn't it?" I ask defensively.
"Call it what is, Merrill, you summoned a demon," Marian says quietly.
"Demons are just like spirits. Like honour or joy. It's not their fault they are what they are," I point out, but all I get from them, are more looks of disgust and horror. I search Marian's face for any signs of understanding, but her expression is unreadable. I glance desperately at Carver and his expression is cold.
"You know nothing of spirits! Don't try and spread your ignorance," Anders says quietly, angrily and for a moment, his eyes glow blue, he squeezes them closed and seeks out Marian's hand. I don't know what else to say. I take a deep breath and walk on. Marian joins me, holding tightly to his hand and we gaze out over the graveyard. She shivers. I am not surprised because the veil is extremely thin here.
"Be careful up ahead. Restless things prowl the heights," I whisper. I lead them down the path that will take us to the altar overlooking the Sundermount Valley. We don't get very far when, for some reason, I turn around. Anders is on his knees and blue energy is pulsating around him.
"Andy...Andy," Marian calls, kneeling in front of him. She reaches for his hands.
"He wants to come out, Mari. I can't stop him... Help me," he whispers. He wants to come out? What is he talking about? I feel someone stand next to me and I am pleasantly surprised it's Carver.
"What's wrong with him?" I ask.
"Um...It is not my place to tell you, Merrill, but I can tell you that I don't approve of my sister's relationship with him," he replies.
"Why?" I ask. My curiosity is piqued.
"I just don't," he replies. I study him for a while and I realise that he is envious of his sister's relationship with Anders. Why?
"How long have they known each other?" I ask.
"They met during the time she spent at the Circle of Magi in Ferelden. She was a rebellious little teenager who flaunted her gift of magic... She spent two years at the Circle and that is where she met Anders. They are engaged as well," he replies.
"Really?" I ask. I find this piece of news very interesting.
"And what about you?" I ask.
"Me? I...I..." He stammers. His expression hardens and he walks away from me. What did I say? I turn my attention on Marian and it appears she has calmed him down somewhat. She stands, taking him with her and he wraps his arms around her waist.
"Thank you... I owe you one," he murmurs.
"Anything for you, love," she murmurs. She stands on her tiptoes... I turn away from them because I don't want to intrude on their special moment. I notice Carver standing further along and I follow him, but if notices me, he doesn't acknowledge it.
"Merrill, what is this place?" Marian asks.
"In the days of Arlathan, the elders came here to sleep. Uthenera, the endless dream, they called it, but they don't sleep peacefully anymore," I reply, sweeping my eyes over the many gravestones. I shiver involuntarily. I have never liked coming this far up the mountain.
"Come, we must place the amulet on the altar over there," I inform her.
"Very well," she says. I lead them to the altar. The altar is made out of stone and one lone blue flame dances in the middle of it. I turn and face Marian who is holding the amulet in her hand.
"What do you need me to do?" she asks.
"Place the amulet on the altar," I reply. She places it on the altar and she breathes sigh of relief.
"Now I do feel better... What next?" she asks.
"I must perform a Dalish rite for the departed," I reply.
"Very well," she says as she steps away from it. She falls into his arms. The relief in their eyes is quite something to see. No one likes to carry something like that around. I turn around and look out over the Sundermount Valley. I hope I have the strength to say the rite. I take a deep breath and push all thoughts of Tamlen and Carver aside and I close my eyes...
Hahren na melana sahlin
Emma ir abelas
Souver'inan isala hamin
Vhenan him dor'felas
In uthenera na revas...
A bright white light forces me to open my eyes and out of the amulet, a woman emerges. I step back in surprise. She saunters towards us. She has grey hair and cunning yellow eyes. She stops within arm's reach of us and surveys all of us before she rests her eyes on Marian who is not intimidated by her at all.
"Aaah and here we are," Asha'bellanar says.
I curtsy respectfully in front of her. "Andaran, atish'an, Asha'bellanar," I murmur. I reluctantly look at her.
"One of the people, I see, so you and bright. Do you know who I am beyond that title?" she asks.
"I know only a little, Asha'bellanar," I reply.
"Then stand. The people bend their knee too quickly," she says. I hastily stand and move a respectful distance away from her. I gaze out over the valley.
"Hey, are you alright?"
"What do you care, Carver?" I reply.
"I don't, but my sister won't be happy with me if I don't ask," he replies.
"So do you follow your sister around like some lost Mabari hound?" I cannot resist asking because I am well and truly annoyed with him and I am confused about the way I am feeling.
"You don't know me, Merrill. You don't know any of us or what we have all been through..." he says curtly.
"And you don't know me or my reasons for using blood magic. You made your hatred pretty clear," I murmur.
"I was raised in a family with two mage sisters, Merrill, and my father was a mage, so excuse me if I appear bitter and resentful," he says quietly.
"Your sister, Anders and you don't approve of blood magic," I murmur.
"Because it is dangerous, Merrill. Even I know that. Your reasons are your own. I am just Carver who follows his sister around," he says.
"That much is obvious," I mutter. I need to get away from him, so I wander back to the altar. Marian and Asha'bellanar are speaking.
"It is so refreshing to see someone who keeps their end of the bargain. I half-expected my amulet to end up in a merchant's pocket," she says.
"I agreed to deliver the amulet, Flemeth, though you could have told me you were inside it," Marian says.
"Just a piece...A small piece, but that is all I needed. A bit of security should the inevitable occur and if I know my Morrigan, it already has," she explains. Who is Morrigan?
"Who is Morrigan? Is that someone I should know?" Marian voices my thought.
"Hah... She's a girl who thinks she knows what is what better than I or anyone and why not? I raised her to be as such and I cannot expect her to be any less," she replies.
"Mmm...I'm not sure whether she's your daughter or your enemy," Marian says.
"Neither is she," Asha'bellanar says. Marian glances at Anders who is studying Asha'bellanar with great concentration.
"Andy, what do you think?" Marian asks.
"Mmm...I'm not sure... What are you? A spirit? An Abomination? This is no magic I've ever seen," he replies.
"And you would know of spirits and abominations?" Asha'bellanar asks.
"I am a mage. Of course I know of such things," he replies, folding his arms and a look of indignation crosses his face.
"Of course you do... I am a fly in the ointment. I am a whisper in the shadows. I am also an old, old woman. More than that you need not know," she says. I wander away from them. I have no interest in hearing her explanations. I need time to think and prepare myself for my departure from my people. I wander down another path and I sit on a flat rock overlooking the Dalish camp far below. I allow my mind to drift and with every thought, a sense of sadness slowly envelops me and my tears fall unchecked. The Dalish way of life is all I know. I know nothing of the way of Alienage elves or the ways of the shemlen and the thought scares me. I don't know what I am going in to. I've always felt safe among the Dalish, but even that is fading. I gaze unseeingly at nothing in particular.
"Merrill, are you sure you are alright?" Again it is Carver. His voice is like a gentle breeze that moves through me and a sense of longing overwhelms me.
"Just leave me alone, please," I murmur.
"I can't," he murmurs as he sits next to me. I give him a side long glance. He really is handsome and his face is so vulnerable as if he has or is experiencing some profound loss. I instinctively move closer to him. I need some sort of contact, but he stiffens as soon as our arms touch.
"I...I am sorry," I whisper. I want to move away from him, but he rests his hand on my thigh and his touch sends delicious tingles through me.
"No...I should apologise for being so rude to you earlier... You don't want to get involved with me Merrill. I am one messed up individual who has many issues," he whispers.
"Who says I wanted to anyway?" I ask. I can't hide the unfamiliar pain his words have caused. "And we don't know each other anyway," I mutter as I abruptly stand up.
"Fine... That is just the way it is then, isn't it? No one wants Carver and the person he wants the most is out of his reach," he mutters, standing up. I cringe away from him because he is so tall and broad and I feel intimidated by him. He towers over me and so many emotions flicker across his face. I eventually lower my eyes. I turn around and wander back up the path. As I reach the top, I hear a loud whooshing sound and I look towards the sky. A dragon is flying away from us. I realise it is Asha'bellanar. She must be a powerful mage to transform into a dragon. I have heard tales of shape shifters and I realise she is one of them. What an extraordinary gift to have.
"Merrill, can we go? I need to get Anders home," Marian says as soon as she sees me.
"Yes..." I whisper.
o0o
"Elgar'nan... Is this... really where the elves live?" I ask. I can't hide my disbelief. We are in an Alienage in Lowtown. My surroundings are dusty and many elves are going about their business. I glance up at the tree that is in the centre of the Alienage. It has Dalish marks on the trunk. It is the only familiar thing of home and it saddens me that I am no longer welcome amongst the Dalish.
"If you think this is bad, Merrill, then you should see our place in Darktown," Anders says quietly as he slips his arm around Marian.
"I didn't think it would be so...so... I have never seen so many people in one place before. It seems...very lonely," I murmur.
"Hey, you already know me...and my brother," Marian says kindly and I blush at her words. He is standing next to her, watching me and his eyes are extremely dark, yet they are hooded as if he is hiding something.
"I...thank you. Thank you for everything, for all your help. Will you visit me?" I ask, staring directly at Carver who has stepped forward.
"I don't mean now, of course, but maybe later? I could use a friend," I whisper. I am afraid she will say no. I am afraid I will not see him again and the thought saddens me.
"Hey, I think I would like that..." she says.
"Really? I mean, my gift is not going to chase you away?" I whisper.
"No...Believe me, things like that don't frighten me. Ask Anders," she replies, nudging him in the ribs and he frowns.
"Marian," he says when she presses her finger against his lips.
"I told you, you can vent later... Perhaps sooner," she murmurs. He grins as he grabs her wrist. He winks at her before he kisses the palm of her hand and her face turns crimson.
"Perhaps sooner than you realise, sweetie," he murmurs. I cannot watch any longer. Their blatant show of affection is a bit much for someone such as me who lacks significant experience in that department. Instead, I turn my gaze on Carver and he is scowling...again. I sigh in exasperation and drop my backpack to the ground. It feels far too heavy all of a sudden. That seems to snap him out of his mood. He steps forward and retrieves it from the ground.
"Um...Would you like me to help you get settled?" he asks. I am too surprised to say anything. Instead, I nod.
"Mari, I will see you later...Perhaps at the Hanged Man?" he enquires.
"After the events of today, Brother, I doubt I will be able to make it to the tavern, later," she replies.
"Fine...Fine...I will go on my own as usual and drink it up with Varric," he says quietly.
"As you wish. Perhaps you should take Merrill with you," she suggests. He looks at me with raised eyebrows and I shake my head.
"No... No crowds. I want to get settled. I have had a long emotional day. Please try to understand," I whisper.
"Carver, would you please help her get settled," Marian asks.
"Um...Of course... Come with me," he says, reaching for my hand. I reluctantly let him take it. His hand is big, warm and calloused and strangely comforting. He leads to me to house near a merchant's stall and he opens it.
"After you," he says softly. I enter the house and make my way to the centre of the room. There is table with a couple of chairs in the corner and there is a desk with a couple of books. The place looks recently lived in and I wonder who used to live here. I want to ask Carver if he knows, but he is standing uncertainly at the door still holding my backpack.
"Please come in," I murmur. I turn away from him and wander through another door that leads into a bedroom with a single bed against the left wall. It looks comfortable, but I feel uneasy. He has followed me into my room. He drops my backpack onto the bed and he closes the distance between us.
"It's far better than my uncle's home...At least it's clean and comfortable," he murmurs.
"Your uncle's home?" I ask.
"Yes, we, that is, my mother and I, sometimes Marian and Anders, stay. His home is not far from here..." he explains. I back against the wall because he is intimidating me again. He places his hands on either side of me.
"Carver," I whisper. My heart rate has suddenly escalated. I gaze at him and his eyes widen and become dark. I cannot look away from him. My cheeks feel warm, too warm and I think it would be quite pleasant drinking a glass of water. He leans closer and I stop breathing altogether.
"I'm not good for you, Merrill," he murmurs.
"You...You don't know that," I whisper.
"I am a bad person, Merrill..." he murmurs.
"Why do you say that?" I ask.
"Because...Because...," he stammers.
"Ssh... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I murmur. I warily raise my hand to his cheek. I expect him to pull back, but instead he leans into it. I gently touch his cheek and the feel of his stubble against my thumb is strangely exciting.
"Maker," he murmurs. Suddenly he pulls away. His eyes are hooded again and his expression is unreadable.
"I should go... Take care of yourself," he whispers. He turns away, but I reach for his hand.
"Don't leave me alone," I whisper.
"I...I must go, Merrill... I will visit you again, but I am not sure when... We all spend time at the tavern. Find us there if you want company," he murmurs.
"Carver," I whisper, but he is gone. The last thing I hear is the door slamming shut and I cannot prevent my tears from falling. I have never felt so alone in my life and I already miss Marethari. I sink to the floor and curl myself into a little ball and I weep for all I have lost and it is my own fault.