But You Didn't

by GrumpyIceKitten

Do you remember when you appeared to a boy, sickly, frail, and underfed, on an altar? I thought you would kill me there as you had done to everyone else. But you didn't,

The bench I am sat upon is cold, hard. A stone. Marble? Who's to say. My mind is still clouded; everything is clouded, for this is the end - nothing needs to be clear any more. The removal of the patch covering my sealed eye does nothing to help. I am not focused on this moment, the minute of my death. Memories from the river, my cinematic record, still blear my consciousness.

His hand, ungloved, caresses my cheek. Do you remember when you appeared to a boy, sickly, frail, and underfed, on an altar? I thought you would kill me there as you had done to everyone else.

But you didn't,

Remember when you told me eating sweets would spoil my appetite and give me a stomach ache? And it really did. I thought you would say "I told you so."

But you didn't,

Remember when you were hurt because of me? You did everything within your power to save me, even knowing that you were to take the blow from a death scythe for it. I thought you would deem me too troublesome after that, that you would leave me.

But you didn't,

Remember when I slapped you because you made me focus on my studies and I was frustrated? I thought, surely, you would get a cane and show me who was truly the power in our relationship.

But you didn't,

Remember when I kept begging for more of you, rougher, deeper within me? You told me I was going to hurt the next morning, and I did. I thought you would leave me to live with my consequences.

But you didn't,

Remember when I was too willful at Weston and got a Y for it? I thought you would mock me for my insolence.

But you didn't,

Or when you warned me not to confront Maurice Cole on my own? I thought you would leave me to their beatings, jeers, and humiliating photographs.

But you didn't,

Remember when you told me if I stayed outside in the spring my asthma would act up and it did? I thought you would leave me gasping and choking for air.

But you didn't,

And remember in Germany when I decided to use myself as bait? I was in such a state afterwards. I thought you would give me into the hands of strange doctors in retaliation to my foolishness.

But you didn't,

Yes, there were a lot of things you didn't do. But you did put up with me; you kept me safe and in good health, no matter how I treated you. And somewhere in all this, I managed to convince myself you would stay with me after my revenge.

But you didn't.