A/N:My take on 5x09 and attempt to fill in some blanks. This also deals with the 'Personal Foul' episode from season four.
Early last season I wrote a fic called First Fight which was how I envisioned Danny and Lindsay reconciling after the 'bump in the road'. When I wrote it, I did not know what that bump was or would be (the Ruben/Rikki storyline). But now that I do, and have even more context, I still envision First Fight as the way D/L would come back together. That 'coming together' plays a part in this story. Instead of writing another version (which I tried and failed) I am plagiarizing from myself in a way and including a good part of First Fight here (though a shorter, partially rewritten and slightly less M-rated version). It just made the story feel complete for me. So, for anyone who may have read First Fight you will recognize it here again.
Thanks for reading!
"Why don't you come over and tell me in person. Please?"
Lindsay paused at the hint of despair in Danny's last word and almost immediately said 'okay'. But everything was moving too fast, so fast that she couldn't be certain she was thinking straight. The reason she'd gone on her rain walk in the first place was to makes sense of the hurricane of thoughts and emotions swirling insider her. All Danny had asked for was to talk. All he had done was call her. But both had sent his words chasing each other through her mind, tripping over her own. I was hoping we could talk, I miss you, I have to figure out how to let that go, you wouldn't understand, even if I don't know how to say it.
"I gotta go," she said reluctantly, trying to determine if loving Danny Messer was too big of a risk.
An hour later, standing soaking wet at Danny's door, Lindsay had come to the conclusion that loving him was a risk she was willing to take. Maybe her rain walk had brought the clarity she'd been seeking. Maybe it was the hitch in Danny's voice when he'd said 'please'. Maybe it was his heartwarming attempts to make amends. Or maybe it was the undeniable connection they'd had since meeting at the zoo. Whatever it was, Lindsay knew she had to see him, to affirm what they had between them, as muddled and confusing as it was. Despite the certainty in her decision, Lindsay felt strangely insecure as Danny opened the door.
Danny had been in a light, restless sleep when his doorbell rang and thought he might have been dreaming Lindsay there. But his shocked mind and body quickly became alert at the drenched sight of her. Her hair was dripping wet and sticking to her face, her clothes plastered her body. She had never looked more beautiful. His heart quickened and his fingertips tingled with the desire to touch her, to make sure she was real. Her 'gotta go' earlier had sounded so hesitant and unsure and sad that he never expected her to come. Danny didn't sense any of that sadness now, her eyes and lips held the smallest hint of a smile. He was grateful for whatever made her change her mind.
Lindsay still wanted him. At least for tonight. Was that enough? What about tomorrow? There were so many unanswered questions but the fact that Lindsay was there stuck to Danny's heart like glue, and made him want her like never before. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and make her forget how horrible he'd been. Danny struggled to find any reason strong enough to make him resist those urges charging through him.
Lindsay didn't say anything. Neither did Danny. She couldn't see his eyes in the shadows but she could feel his gaze touch her everywhere all at once, from her face to her feet, sending tingles of awareness through her. She might not be an expert when it came to Danny Messer but she understood how he was looking at her. Weeks had passed since she'd seen that hungry look from him, a look that stirred her blood. Time seemed to stop, each of them waiting for the other to do or say something, as if whatever happened next would forever cement the direction their relationship took.
Before Lindsay could move or make sense of everything, Danny reached for her, pulling her towards him, slamming the door shut behind her. He didn't want to rush or assume, but he couldn't not touch her. Every point of contact between their bodies confirmed that she was really there - his again - at least for this night, at least until he did something stupid. He brushed aside that last thought as he settled his mouth on hers. Lindsay felt Danny's arousal and a deep craving came over her. Instantly giving in to desire, she kissed him back, pressing solidly against him. They might have a hard time always understanding each other or apologizing or figuring out their relationship, but neither had any trouble with this form of communication. None at all.
This wasn't what Lindsay expected when she came to Danny's apartment but when he opened the door and she saw her own despair and sadness mirrored in his face she knew he had meant everything he'd said earlier. Once again their words swam through her mind. I miss you, I have to figure out how to let that go, even if I don't know how to say it, You wouldn't understand, I was hoping we could talk. But this time, instead of filling her with doubt, they only reaffirmed her decision to be with him, even for just one night.
Danny covered her mouth with his again, more delicately this time as if testing, giving Lindsay a chance to stop, but the eager way she kissed back was all the encouragement he needed. His kisses became possessive, traced with the despair of a man who almost lost the most important thing to him. It felt like an eternity since they'd been together but their lips instantly remembered each other, their bodies moved in natural rhythm perfected by their countless nights together.
Danny felt like himself again pressed hard against every inch of Lindsay, kissing her where he knew would make her gasp. Her hands tangled in his hair and clothes while her legs wrapped around his hips, desperately drawing them closer together even though it was physically impossible. Danny lifted off Lindsay's shirt, his fingers grazing against her skin, sending shivers through her body. Lindsay ran her hands across Danny's chest, quickly removing his shirt. She loved being skin to skin with him, the contrast of his roughness to her softness. Danny groaned when her hand slid between their bodies, making him jerk against her touch. He wanted to throw them onto the floor right then and there. But he knew he needed to be slow and gentle. The past weeks had been filled with enough roughness and force.
Cradling Lindsay into his arms, he carried her to his bedroom. As soon as they were on the bed her hands were back in his hair, pulling his mouth to hers for another kiss. His hands slid down her shoulders, over her chest, fingers flicking over sensitive skin, before continuing to the waist of her pants. As he slid them down her legs his mouth followed their progress, gliding over the skin that was revealed to him. His fingertips traced lazy patterns over her body, along her legs, inside her thighs. He grinned up at her when she lightly pulled his hair, directing him where to touch her. There is something in the way she looks – the way he can see her completely losing herself to him – that sends shivers down his spine.
He recognized that look. A look that used to scare him just a little bit because deep down he feared he would somehow mess up and lose Lindsay. Lose that look forever. Maybe he'd acted the way he did, done what he'd done, out of a twisted self-fulfilling prophecy or maybe he was taking a preemptive strike - he would push her away before she did it to him. And he'd pushed her hard and far. Too far.
Danny's eyes held Lindsay's as he completely undressed her. He kissed a path along the smooth skin of her stomach and hips, dipping between her legs. She gasped his name as her body bent toward his lips. He smiled at her reaction, grinning up at her before kissing a trail back up her body. His fingers ran lazily along her inner thighs, a gentle torture.
As he looked at Lindsay, satisfied by the glazed pleasure in her eyes, Danny was filled with the need to apologize over and over. As if sensing his thoughts, and not wanting him to say anything, Lindsay pulled him to her to catch his mouth in a searing kiss, her teeth nipping at his lower lip. He pulled back slightly, teasingly placing light pecks on her lips and along her jaw, hoping she sensed the apology in each kiss, in each stroke of his fingers that sent jolts of pleasure through her body.
Lindsay's hands alternated from his shoulders, back and hair, unsure where to stay as sensations muddled her mind. She feels her skin tingle beneath his gaze and touch and everything disappeared around her except for him and the sensations he created within her. It's not long before she muffled a cry against his shoulder, her fingers caught in his hair as she shuddered against him.
Wrapped in each other's arms, Lindsay watched Danny watch her, tracing the angles of his face with her fingers before pulling him into another kiss. Her hands move down his back and hook on his jeans, their tongues battled playfully. How could he have lived without this, Danny wonders. Because that's what he was asking for the way he acted the past week. He shivers at that cold reality.
Danny moved on top of her, supporting his weight on his forearms, leaning down to kiss her deeply. Filling her again finally makes Danny feel sane. Their pace starts off slow but quickly builds. Skin slides against skin, and they are so lost in each other that neither is sure of where one begins and the other ends.
There are feverish kisses and hands everywhere. Hard, quick movements replaced the gentleness and teasing from minutes earlier. Lindsay's nails leave red trails across his back and his teeth do the same on her shoulder. There is a hunger between them, a desperate need to be as close together as possible. Danny thinks he can hear Lindsay's heartbeat, and is pretty sure his own changes to match hers. He has never felt more connected to anyone. Finally their bodies arch into each other as everything faded away.
Afterwards, they lay breathless on the bed, still tangled together as he lazily stroked her hair. Lindsay's eyes were warm and loving and she looked as if being there with him was precisely where she wanted to be. Danny committed her face in that moment, that exact expression, to memory.
Danny knew what Lindsay saw when she looked at him. An imperfect man, but still a man she could be proud of. A man she could love. He'll never understand how or why he'd deserved that. He's not sure how much time passed before finally breaking the silence.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, but Lindsay still hears the hesitation in his voice as if he's unsure she will accept it.
Lindsay pressed herself against his warm body, wrapping her arms tightly around him, her way of reassuring him that they are alright. Everything that had happened between them in the past few hours, few months, flood her mind. Maybe she was crazy for wanting to be with him. He hurt her more than she could have imagined. But right then she knew she'd done the right thing to come to him. There was nowhere else she'd rather be, nothing or no one else she wanted.
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As Lindsay sat on a cold examining table, staring at the uninviting walls of the women's clinic, she seriously doubted her decision from that cold, rainy night. More than anything she wanted to take those hours back, somehow make them never happen. She'd finally stopped putting off the inevitable and visited the clinic for a definitive answer. An answer to why she'd been late, nauseous and tired. Now she had the answer she'd been simultaneously expecting and dreading. She stared down at the paper the doctor had left her with – the mix of letters and numbers that indicated she was pregnant. These results were more complicated then the pink plus sign she'd seen on the test in her bathroom the day before – but it all meant the same thing.
Lindsay knew she was in some state of shock, her body and mind unable to decide on one emotion to feel or one thought to consider. She never expected she would become a mother like this. Alone. This was supposed to be a happy moment but she couldn't deny the tears filling her eyes were those of sadness. Like any girl, she'd dreamed of a happily ever after with a husband and family. Once, not so long ago, she'd even dared to picture Danny in that dream. But it looked like that simply wasn't mean to be.
Her sadness instantly mixed with regret over the irresponsibility that put her in this situation in the first place. That night of her rain walk had been special and cathartic. She and Danny had talked for a long time, about how everything had gone so wrong between them. He hadn't brought up Rikki but she knew. She was good at analyzing clues and Danny had been more revealing than he'd realized. She silently forgave him that night because she loved him so much it hurt and they'd both been determined to start over. But all of it felt so meaningless now.
A smoldering resentment started to build towards Danny. She knew him, knew what he was like. He would distance himself. That's what Danny always did when things got too much for him and this would probably send him running far away. She recognized how fragile their relationship was. Danny hadn't even said he loved her yet. A baby would definitely shatter the tenuous balance they'd only recently rediscovered. He wasn't ready to be a father, just like she wasn't sure she was ready to be a mother. But she couldn't simply run away from this as easily.
Lindsay stuffed the piece of paper in her bag, feeling strange for putting something that carried such an extraordinary impact amid the ordinary clutter of her life. But she pushed it to the bottom, hiding it, as if it made what she was facing less real. Even after splashing water on her face from the small sink in the room, a handful of calming breaths and what she hoped was an empowering layer of lipstick, Lindsay barely felt able to face the next day, hour, minute.
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For the two weeks since that visit to the clinic, Lindsay thought about going up to Danny and simply saying 'I'm pregnant' but the admission refused to leave her mouth. She couldn't admit the truth out loud yet. Especially not to Danny. She kept thinking about how devastated he'd been after Ruben's death, how his life had turned upside down. And she couldn't help but think he would react the same way to this news – even if it was a child's life this time, even if it was his own child. And that completely crushed her, leaving her feeling more alone than ever before.
So instead, day after day, she avoided him as much as possible and functioned on autopilot, efficiently preparing evidence, carefully reading results and even laughing when appropriate. Little did everyone know that as she stood there she was trying not to collapse and cry.
The evening after returning home from the wrecking yard, Lindsay felt on the verge of finally breaking down. She'd lied to Danny when she told him she'd gone to sleep early. She lied to him the day before that when she cancelled their dinner plans because of non-existent work. Another lie was already prepared for tomorrow. Instead of apartment hunting she would be getting her first ultrasound.
Curled up on her bed, Lindsay felt her secret eating away at her, filling her with despair and confusion. This was all so unexpected and overwhelming. She didn't know what to do. What was the right thing? Was there such thing as right and wrong in a situation like this? She thought about calling her mom. Or a friend back in Montana. Or maybe Stella. But not only was Danny the father of this baby, he was her best friend. Danny needed to hear it first. She should be able to say anything to him. Shouldn't that be how it worked with the man you are having a child with?
"I'm pregnant," she whispered. Now if only she could say it to Danny. It sounded so easy. "I'm pregnant," she said again, the reality sinking in and finally settling within her. She thought about the life growing inside her. She thought about what the baby would look like. She thought about holding it. She thought about forever shaping a human life. She thought about the promise she'd made to her grandmother that if she ever had a girl her middle name would be Francine in her honor. For the first time since learning the news, through tears, Lindsay smiled. She realized, with or without Danny, that she wanted this. This baby. To be a mother.
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At first, Danny thought he had imagined Lindsay at the clinic. He barely registered her walking through the doors before she was gone. Judging by her frown and the way she sprinted away he had unpleasantly surprised her.
What the hell, Danny thought as he anxiously sat at his computer, perfectly positioned to watch everyone coming and going on the elevator. His eyes jumped at each chime of a new arrival to the floor while his mind constantly reeled through the possible reasons Lindsay had been at the clinic. Was she sick? There for a friend? Some sort of prescription? What he really couldn't figure out is why she'd lied to him. Lindsay never lied but the past couple of weeks she'd been distant and evasive and secretive. Maybe this was karmic payback because he realized this must have been how Lindsay felt about him after Ruben died. When Lindsay finally – finally - stepped through the elevator he jumped out of his chair and jogged down the hallway to catch up with her.
"Lindsay."
Lindsay recognized the tone of Danny's voice. The low, serious way he'd said her name signaled he wanted to talk to her, which she wasn't surprised about. Danny shouldn't have been the clinic and she needed more time to figure things out. But nothing seemed to be going as planned.
"Danny, hey. I can't talk right now." She did her best to sound casual and carefree and didn't stop for him as she made her way to the locker room. Maybe if she kept moving and dodging then reality would somehow not catch up with her.
"What's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Come on Lindsay. I saw you today at the health center. Are you sick?" That's the conclusion Danny reached after his endless speculation, excusing Lindsay's behavior to a virus or flu.
"Danny you should go back to work."
Danny recognized Lindsay's forced smile and diversion techniques. Before she testified in her friends' murder trial he'd regularly seen both. If she was sick – or whatever – he wanted her to talk to him instead of close up like she had back then. He gently held her shoulders - a soothing gesture, a way to get her to stop moving away from him.
"No, you should talk to me. "
Lindsay stayed rigid under his hands, unable to find any comfort in Danny's obvious and heartwarming concern. Confusion and sadness and panic and morning sickness twisted her stomach, revolted against her body, prevented her from saying anything. Lindsay ran into the bathroom, physically unable to hold it all in any longer.
"What's the matter? You okay? Lindsay? What the hell is going on?" Question after question, but never any answers. What was the puzzle piece Danny was missing?
Lindsay wished she could disappear into the tiled walls of the bathroom and not have to face Danny. But as she looked at herself in the mirror – the pendulum of emotions she'd been going through evident on her tired and pale face - she knew she couldn't go on like this any longer. It was time. Lindsay steeled herself against everything swirling through her that threatened to knock her down, break her heart. She hated how she seemed to always find herself in this position when it came to Danny Messer – him seemingly able to shatter her heart and her with no way to protect herself. Lindsay hesitantly stepped out of the bathroom.
"You okay? You alright?" Danny quietly asked as she walked by.
Lindsay thought about the hundred different ways she'd imagined telling Danny. Maybe she would ease him into the news. Or maybe it would be better to blurt it out. But now, confronted by him, she felt completely defeated by it all. Finally her mind emptied of everything except for the two words that would change everything.
"I'm pregnant." Her voice was as firm as she could manage though still shaky.
Danny struggled to understand what he'd just heard. Thoughts and words tangled and stopped and stumbled but all ultimately died. Pregnant. He knew what that word meant but had trouble wrapping his mind around it. Finally he let out a long, slow breath, comprehension sinking in.
"You sure?" he asked.
Lindsay's silent expression spoke volumes. After recovering from her panic at seeing Danny at the clinic she had returned for her ultrasound. Reaching into her pocket, she softly smiled at the black and white proof before handing it to Danny.
Danny looked at the small spot of white and felt an expanding pressure in his chest. He'd never felt anything like it before, so he couldn't quite describe the strange feeling - a satisfying contentment mixed with heavy doses of fear and confusion. The space in the locker room suddenly seemed to be very small and airless. There must be something appropriate for him to say to the woman who was pregnant with his child, but he couldn't think of what it might be. He didn't dare take a breath, afraid of breaking the heavy silence that protected them from uncertain words.
He looked at Lindsay's stomach as if trying to detect any change. He wondered if she was thinking, like he was, about that night he'd pulled her rain-soaked body towards his. They'd been so urgent and desperate. Neither had foreseen the enormous impact that simple motion would have.
"How long have you known?" he finally asked, his eyes moving up to meet hers.
"A few weeks." Lindsay ignored the tech that walked into the room, instead focusing on Danny. She felt herself drowning in his silence, as if it was all she could breathe in, burning her throat and settling in the pit of her stomach. Her stubborn tears warned a full-blown, draining, sobbing cry was about to overwhelm her. Hold it together, Lindsay told herself. When she broke down she wanted to be alone, something she would need to get used to anyway.
"I should get back to work," Lindsay said, walking away.
Danny went after Lindsay, desperate for her to stop. She seemed to be moving a hundred miles an hour while he was struggling through quicksand trying to keep up.
"Why didn't you tell me? Look, you can't just drop this on me and then walk away. Please."
"Danny, I know you."
"What is that supposed to mean?" A quick flare of anger shot through Danny at the undertone hidden in her words.
"I just mean I don't expect anything." Her voice cracked, the emotions raging inside her winning the battle against her resolve to stay strong. Lindsay wanted to tell Danny to leave her alone but a familiar face stopped her in her tracks. Though larger than life and computerized, she recognized Nicole Harris. Sitting across from her in the clinic's waiting room, Lindsay could tell Nicole was a little bit of a fish out of water because Lindsay had been like that once too. The investigator in her couldn't help but pry but now she was grateful that she had because it would help solve her murder.
And just like that, both Danny and Lindsay were reminded that they were at work, that they would have to function with the news of Lindsay's pregnancy a shadowy presence hovering all around them.
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Speeding through the city streets on his motorcycle had a strange, therapeutic way of helping Danny feel invincible, of clearing his mind. But this day one thing had rooted in his brain, refusing to dislodge, permeating everything he saw, thought and felt. Lindsay was carrying his child – their child.
The laws of nature had him feeling pointless and helpless. And most of all he was scared. It had been a long time since he'd felt so useless and unsure of himself, ten years to be exact. Ten years ago a stupid fight had destroyed his baseball career. He'd been reckless and stubborn and his life had changed forever. Despite the maturity that came with time passed and lessons learned, Danny realized he was still very much the same person who got in that fight – hot tempered and hasty and a little bit selfish. Deep down he knew he couldn't blame Lindsay for thinking the worst of him, for thinking that he would want nothing to do with this baby. After all, he had rejected her when all she wanted to do was love him.
As the streets flashed by in blurs of color and gusts of wind, so did images of Lindsay. The first day they met at the zoo, the day she started to smile instead of scowl at her nickname, his trip to Montana, their first kiss, waking up on his pool table, the way she laughed at his horrible jokes, and how she'd looked when she'd told him she was pregnant. He smiled at the memory, at the way her lips had ever so slightly turned up at the corners, the way her eyes softened.
A low, steady burn built in Danny's stomach and spread as he thought about Lindsay. He vaguely recognized the unique and exciting sensation slowly overwhelming him. He'd felt it before in each of those moments that formed and defined their relationship but it had never been this intense. And, as the feeling firmly settled within him - spreading to his chest, his fingers, his blood - he finally embraced it. He wasn't ready to define or label it but with each passing mile he realized Lindsay had fit into his life in so many ways, filled holes he didn't even know were there. If she ever left him he was certain a part of him would be torn away and leave with her. Danny knew he had a chance for something special. Just like ten years ago, he had a chance to make a difference between who he was and who he could be. Who he wanted to be.
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Everyday Danny analyzed and dissected other people's lives and deaths to uncover truth and yet he had been stubbornly blind about his own life. He wasn't a big believer in fate but he was starting to think maybe things did happen for a reason. This case, his unexpected talk with the Harrisses, had opened Danny's eyes to what was so plain and simple. With or without a baby, he couldn't imagine a life without Lindsay.
As he stood next to her, watching the Harrisses meet their new grandchild he pictured him and Lindsay in their place and smiled. He could actually envision being a father, a good father. If only he could put his feelings into words, reassure Lindsay that everything would be okay. But he couldn't promise that.
Lindsay studied Danny's profile. He had obviously told the Harrisses about them, which surprised her. She was also surprised to see him smiling at the family being formed right before their eyes. She hadn't seen him since their confrontation in the locker room and had pictured him surrounded by a black clould of misery. Good luck. That's what Andrea Harris had said. As Danny's contagious grin spread to her lips, hope suddenly welled up inside of her, sharp and strong. Lindsay knew they would need a little bit of luck. And each other.
She felt the mere inches distancing them and reached for Danny, wanting to replace the separation with a connection. But her hand stopped midway between their bodies – still unsure, scared. Danny felt Lindsay's hand hovering near his. No regrets. That's what Jim Harris had said. So he leaned ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly, toward Lindsay.
The back of their hands touched, just barely, but for that brief happy moment time seemed to stop and they were simply Danny and Lindsay again. Whatever happened, whatever life had in store for them, each of them would remember this single moment when everything felt hopeful and possible.