I own nothing.
Everyone was just so happy and she couldn't understand it at first. She couldn't understand it until she looked around the dinner table and Noah's Ark suddenly came to mind. Mal had Inara, Simon had Kaylee, and Zoe still had Wash. As if sensing her thoughts, Wash looked over and smiled. River shifted uncomfortably. It was hard to convince people you were sane when a dead pilot insisted on speaking to you. She turned back to the others who were laughing and carrying on as if Miranda had never happened. Inara was gently holding Mal's hand under the pretense of extreme amusement at his story. Kaylee was resting her head on Simon's shoulder and Zoe's arm was resting on the back of Wash's old chair, smiling to herself. They were all so full of life and she was full of theirs. So why did she feel empty? Why wasn't she past it?
"It wasn't your fault."
If she ignored him, he might go away. He might go back to the bridge and keep his dinosaurs company. She couldn't understand why he always talked to her when everyone was around. Kaylee kissed Simon on the cheek and River frowned. She felt so alone all the time. She glanced to her right out of the corner of her eye. Jayne wasn't eating again. And again, no one but her had noticed. He had that same dark look on his face, too, like maybe he was trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He glared at her out the corner of his own eye. He still hated her. He respected her, but hated her nonetheless. It didn't hurt her as much as it had because some days she also hated herself. He hated himself everyday. That hurt her. It hadn't been his fault what had happened to Wash and Preacherman. It had been her fault.
"Mei-mei, it wasn't your fault!"
"Always my fault," she muttered under her breath and Jayne stiffened beside her. Jayne patted her shoulder awkwardly. She smiled up at him with a watery smile. "Hard to believe you and her are the same."
He pulled away from her and tensed further. Her smile fell and she lowered her head to look at her lap. "We're both lonely. So very lonely."
She looked back up around the table and he followed her gaze. She was right. No one understood-not even the others. It had been his job to protect them all and he had failed. Wash and Book weren't there because he had failed. And River. Everything had happened because she had known something she shouldn't have. They were both at fault.
"Surrounded by family and so very alone," she whispered. When she left a moment later, he was the only one to notice. He left soon after, making his way toward his bunk when he noticed the chill. Every now and then one would come upon a cold spot somewhere on the ship. It was usually on the bridge, though Zoe sometimes complained her bunk was pretty cold. River was up on the bridge spouting off more of her moonbrained nonsense.
"It is my fault, Little man," she said, causing Jayne to stop and listen. "I never should have stayed. You would be with your woman. Jayne would not feel so lonely. He would not blame himself for you and Preacherman." There was a moment of silence and then River cried in a desperate voice. "Why are you still here? Why can't you leave me be. I don't want to be more crazy and alone."
He didn't know what it was that made him go to the bridge, but he did. He didn't say a word to her, just sat down in the pilot's chair and stared out at the stars. He exhaled and his breath puffed out in an icy cloud. He looked over at her and found her studying him. He only nodded and went back to staring. Then he realized she was no longer in the copilot's chair, but standing next to him. He unfolded his arms and looked up at her, opening his mouth to ask her what she was doing when she disentangled the blanket from around herself and climbed into his lap, covering them both. "It is cold because he won't leave. He knows we are lonely."
Jayne didn't answer. What could he have said. He sat stonily, trying hard not to touch the small girl in his arms.
"It isn't your fault."
Jayne tensed even more and River wondered if on some subconscious level he had heard Wash. She snuggled further into Jayne's chest and sniffed, "It is our fault."
Jayne's big hand settled on her back and began to rub slwoly, comfortingly. "Yeah, it is."
Jayne didn't remember falling asleep. All he remembered was the sound of River crying into his tee shirt, and the odd sensation of someone hand on his shoulder. Then he was waking up to find Zoe staring down at him with hard eyes. There wasn't a moment that didn't go by that he didn't feel guilty about the pain she was feeling. He had failed them all. Zoe's eyes shifted to River for a moment and then back to him. As if her point had been made, she turned and stalked off. Zoe hated them both. He could see it in her eyes whenever someone said their names or one of them spoke. She blamed them just as much as they blamed themselves and she had every right. Jayne shook River gently and she lifted her head slowly, rubbing her eyes blearily. "She doesn't hate us as much as she did," River said in a groggy voice, "but you are right. It is deserved."
He hated that she could read his mind and once that thought enter his mind, she looked down, properly chastised. "Can't shut it off. I am sorry."
He would have to get used to it. Why hadn't he gotten used to it already? They'd been on the same boat for over a year and he was still creeped out by her being able to see in his mind. He ignored the amused look on her face and set her on her feet.
"Friends unwillingly. Brought together by circumstances outside their control," she said, amused with her own observation. He ignored her and continued to do so even as she followed him to the mess. "Two peas in a beat up pod. Not good enough for Serenity's soup. Tossed into the garbage heap soon!"
He grabbed a cup of coffee and slumped down into his usual chair. River sat down next to him and nodded sadly, as if confirming his thoughts. "We will do the tossing, Jayne Cobb."
He grunted and sipped at his coffee some more. She ran her finger along the cracks in the table before turning to look at Zoe, who was staring at the empty seat on her left. "Alone together. Always."
A/N: yes, I know, I should be working on "Deuces are Wild" and "The Perfect Fit", but this kept eating at me. Whether or not I continue this is up to you. tell me what you think and I'll add more. I've already got it worked out in my head.