DOG OF THE MILITARY
By: "Fox" or Born of Starlight
Started: 12.Jun.05 Finished:1.Sept.05
A very, VERY old crack!fic. Enjoy, my minions!
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"Fullmetal. A moment?"
Ed, not bothering to hid his suspicion, followed Roy Mustang.
Taking a seat on Roy's low couch, Ed frowned. The colonel had a look of unholy glee on his face. He was holding something behind his back.
"C-colonel…?"
Roy smirked.
"Are you sleep deprived again?"
Last time Mustang had pulled an all-nighter, he'd been so slap-happy the next morning that Hawkeye had had to give him a tranquilizer. Before she had however, he'd very much lived up to Jean Havoc's name.
Ed was on his feet again, edging slowly towards the office door.
"SIT, Fullmetal!
Ed edged faster.
Roy frowned. From behind his back he pulled a spray bottle.
"Bad, Fullmetal," he exclaimed. He squirted Ed in the face.
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
"SIT, FULLMETAL!!"
In shock, Ed sat.
………………………………...
"I DON'T WANNA!!"
"You'll do as I tell YOU!!!"
Lieutenant Hawkeye turned toward the office door, a hand twitching towards the gun on her left hip.
"Colonel, I REFUSE to wear that!!!"
Havoc, Breda, Fury and Farman peeked their heads around the corner.
"What's happening in there, Lieutenant?" asked Havoc.
"Fullmetal, I am your commanding officer, and you will DO AS I SAY."
When the sound of breaking glass made itself known, Hughes came around the corner as well.
"Did he pull another all-nighter?" he asked.
"He must have," Riza replied with a sigh of exasperation. "Ah well…at least it means he got all his paperwork finished…"
Hughes pulled out a chair and reached toward a pocket that was known to house photographs… Everyone present recoiled instinctively, but instead of pictures, Hughes pulled out a deck of playing cards.
"Anyone up for a friendly game of Mao?"
………………………………...
"Riza! Make another pot of coffee!"
"Yes, Sir." Riza got up and started to reach for the decaf coffee but ---
"AND NONE OF THAT CRAPPY, FAKE, 'DECAF' STUFF EITHER!!!"
Riza sighed and complied. Then she went back to her desk and doodled on scrap paper. Mao wasn't her game…
Although, HUGHES was pretty good at it…
"THERE IS A GOD --"
"No, there's not!!!" Ed's voice came through the thick office door.
"TWO OF SPADES, ALL HAIL THE CHAIRMAN --"
Roy's voice was next to be heard. "You've got that right!!"
"KING OF SPADES, MAO!!!!"
In disgust, the other four player threw their huge hands down to the table as Hughes laughed manically.
Riza just didn't see the point of it all…
………………………………...
It was two hours after Roy had come out to take the entire pot of coffee before they saw him again.
Roy smirked at his subordinates, then turned back toward his office door.
"Oh, Fullmetal!! Come here, Fullmetal!"
Slowly, ever so slowly, the door creaked all the way open…
For hours now, Mustang's people had been listening to the sounds of Edward fighting a losing battle. Now, just what the battle had been about became clear.
Edward came out on all fours, a red dog collar around his neck.
"I'll kill him. I'll kill him! I'm really gonna kill him this ti--"
"What was that, Fullmetal!?" Roy demanded.
Ed sighed. "Woof."
"Good boy." Roy threw Ed a dog biscuit.
"…Colonel? You didn't drink that entire pot of coffee by yourself, did you?" asked Riza.
"Yeah, I did. Why?"
The blonde woman sighed. "No reason…"
"Fullmetal, let's show them was a good puppy you are! Sit!"
Ed sat.
"Roll over."
Ed rolled over.
"Play dead."
Ed flopped onto his back and stuck his limbs out straight above him.
A sudden, cackling laugh made them all look towards the window, Ed still playing dead.
Envy was crouching on the windowsill clutching his side and howling with laughter.
"I came here to kill you, Fullmetal-pipsqueak, but you seem to be doing it just fine without me!"
Envy laughed even harder. In fact, he laughed so hard he fell out the window.
They all winced as they heard pavement crack three floors below.
"I'm OKAY!!"
"Too bad…" muttered Ed.
"What was that, Fullmetal?"
"Bark."
"That's bett--"
Suddenly, Roy's eyes rolled up into his head, and he tipped over onto his face.
Hughes blinked over his rapidly shrinking hand of cards. He addressed the other players: "Point of Interest." Everyone put their hands down.
"What the hell happened?" he asked.
Riza chuckled from the direction of her desk, and everyone turned their attention to her...
...and the tranquilizer gun in her hands.
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THE END
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Read and Review, people! Even if it's just to say "Funny!" or "Stupid..." or "Get over yourself, lame ass."
...I'd prefer the first one...? Please? "
Also, to any Risembool Rangers reading this... REEED DAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWN!!!!!!!! Down with the MSA!!!