A Little Shopping Trip
Summary: A parody version of Cloud's flashback. What actually happened when Cloud, Sephiroth and the other two soldiers went to Nibelheim in the flashback? Sort of a cross-over between Final Fantasy VII and Barney the Dinosaur (only in one part.)
Authors Notes: This is the first flashback, not the flashback in which Zack is one of the key-players to the story. Also I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Boots, Superdrug, The Body Shop, Barney the Dinosaur, Paris Hilton or Michael Jackson.
Something stirred amongst the group of impatient soldiers, something that Sephiroth knew shouldn't have been there but it was, especially in the blonde who was walking around as if he was waiting for someone to point him in the direction of an available toilet but since everyone else was too busy being impatient, they all ignored the blonde except for Sephiroth who had now began to mentally record the behaviouristic of the young, sixteen year old. That was until they hit something that made everyone suddenly spring out of their uneasiness.
"Sir! We have hit something quite unusual. Come quickly!" Sephiroth mentally begged desperately for this to be the monster they were waiting for, but instead of a tall green dragon-like creature with ugly pulsating scales and beady little eyes, it was in fact a rather large purple dinosaur that no one really took any notice in, whose name he had forgotten mainly because of what I had just said. Pushing his way back into the slightly cramped truck, he signalled to the driver to go on and before everyone decided to get all impatient again, the driver ploughed his way through the tall grass and mighty looking rocks before finally coming across the small town that was going to be turned into their base of operations. The small town of Nibelheim was neither an impressive site to see for the first time, nor was it far to over-populated, yet something was quite amiss with the town's atmosphere as if something wasn't quite right here. And then he got his answer.
"Hey, there's a sign that says there's a shopping centre where our reactor is supposed to be." The blonde perked up immediately and began to look as if he was now doing the squats which to Sephiroth meant that he was just excited mainly because he needed more spiky hair glue for his hair or that he had forgotten to take his imaginary pills today. Sephiroth dismissed each of them and watched as each ran towards the inn situated not to far from the entrance in which each of them came in. Climbing out of the truck with his usual grace and elegance on the matter, he couldn't help but notice that there wasn't many shops for him to pick up some new hair dye for his hair since he was in a current dilemma and only chose to do this mission so he could check out the shops or the market stalls to see if he could pick up some more "Uber Shiny Permanent Silver Hair Colorant", possibly from somewhere like Boots or Superdrug (he only noticed a few days before that his roots were beginning to show!) Something seemed to pull him out of his thoughts – the blonde that had began to irritate him terribly earlier. For some reason that is unknown to the author mainly because this is just a created piece from a fellow Fanfictionist with an extremely weird mind, nothing more, he reached for his sword but was immediately amazed when instead of pulling out the extremely beautiful and deadly blade Masamune, he in fact pulled out an extremely long plastic knife that was suitable for a midget wearing a pair of stilettos. And then he realised that he had left his beloved blade back at the Shinra Headquarters, being completely distracted by the prank that a few soldiers had played on him mainly because whether anyone would truly believe it or not, he was in fact the most picked on out of everyone in SOLDIER. There were still phantom pains reminding him of when everyone had dressed him up in a blonde wig and a little black number that had obviously belonged to the fat president's even fatter wife. How did he know that? Well, he had to sprint as fast as he could through Asda until he finally reached the section where they sold foods for people who wanted to go on a diet which in turn made the evil witch melt and die (and I don't mean The Wizard of Oz here!)
"Sorry mum, I can't stay! Got an important mission to go and buy some more Hair Glue for my Uber cool spiky hair! Talk to you next year if I ever get out of the shop." There was the blonde again, beginning to irritate Sephiroth to high hell with his consistent talk of "Super Duper Strength Hair Glue for People Who Adore Stalkers!" He didn't know if the blonde did adore his many stalkers. In fact he didn't know much about the blonde except that he was from Nibelheim and that – even though the young male didn't know this that he also had a friend that he once considered as close. How did he actually know this? Well…I just said so. Anyway, Sephiroth managed to grab a bed before anyone else could and drifted off to sleep pretty early, earlier than anyone else anyway. All that he actually dreamt about was the planet and how many annoying chavs he wanted to actually exterminate, that dinosaur they saw on the road being one of them.
He awoke oddly to the sound of someone screaming something about wanting to check out the nearest bar and Sephiroth immediately knew who it was. It was the blonde but since he was under age, a soldier decided to get him an alcoholic drink, the soldier also being under age (about five years old to be exact.) Downing the drink almost in one, the blonde seemed to stumble a little before falling back onto the bed asleep.
"What was actually in that drink?" Sephiroth had to ask the soldier who looked extremely tall for a five year old but since we all know how screwed up Shinra and the authoresses mind actually is, no one actually cared about how tall the midget-aged soldier was, nor did they care about the blonde who had woken up and decided to sing extremely out of tune a song that only he knew (mainly because he read it on a sheet of music that was resting upon a beautifully ornate wooden piano whilst he stole a pair of Orthopic underwear from a draw that had been left open, not quite realizing that they were in fact from Debenhams.) What he didn't realize was that they could have belonged to Rufus Shinra who would have been extremely angry at the blonde for "invading his privacy." Sephiroth had began to walk (with the midget –aged and other soldier) out into the town where they proceeded to walk towards a large group of extremely annoying people who seemed to have gathered outside the Shinra mansion which was not where Sephiroth had buried the evil fat cow known as Mrs. Shinra or rather, Paris Hilton. And that – trust me on this, wasn't Sephiroth's dream. I am being truthful. Anyway, everything suddenly became quiet as the blonde who had decided to finally stop singing stumbled towards the large group where a girl, who looked just as drunk as the blonde, was – Cloud should I say then? Sephiroth tried to suppress a giggle as she seemed to fall literally into the arms of her boyfriend – I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!
After many random conversations – one being about Sephiroth's particularly unsightly mother known only as "Jenova" and how she became truly unsightly from becoming a chav herself mainly because of Sephiroth's chav father who I will not mention here mainly because the explanation will be long and boring (Michael Jackson! Actually, Jenova maybe far to good for Michael Jackson…) They each proceeded to walk off towards the mountain area of Nibel (that is including the very drunk of pair of Cloud and Tifa) where they each seemed to fall off the rope bridge mainly because Tifa stumbled, followed by Cloud who was giggling insanely, which was then followed by the "other soldier" and the five year old midget-aged (not size) soldier who in turn also dragged Sephiroth off, causing him to curse at each of them because his hair was now far more ruined than what it was with his roots beginning to show.
"Arrgh, you fools, look at my hair! Wait, I landed on something soft." Cloud was underneath him yet from what Sephiroth could make out of the boys speech, it was along the same lines of what he said first which was then followed by Tifa who also said something along the same lines, followed by the midget aged soldier and the one underneath him just complained about them all being fat and that they should consider Liposuction. Both Cloud and Tifa seemed to snap out of the sudden state of drunkenness, which in turn made Sephiroth feel slightly relieved but then it all hit rock bottom, mainly because he had been voted as a guide without his consent on the matter. Each in turn walked through the mountains until they finally came across the unsightly reactor and also the shopping centre that was seen in many different pictures on the signs that they saw as they drove into the town. They all played rock paper scissors, Sephiroth being the paper, Cloud being the rock and Tifa being the scissors – which in turn gave them what they wanted – to see if the shopping centre had a Debenhams inside. The other two soldiers just watched and began to get high off the weed that they had stolen from a random yellow fox that no one else saw except themselves.
They each jogged towards the shopping centre, the two Shinra soldiers beginning to slowly run out of breath until they finally reached the shopping centre – and Debenhams as a matter of fact. In fact, the reactor was actually Debenhams Headquarters but since that wasn't put in the game; the authoress was offered a handsome price by Debenhams themselves to put this in the fic. Okay, that's not true. Anyway, on with the story!
Unlike the others, Sephiroth immediately ran to the nearest hair salon he could find and immediately scarred the hairdresser for life as he pulled out the plastic knife he had taken with him instead of his own sword, causing many other retarded customers who thought they were going to actually look beautiful to scream curse words at him for being such an idiot, which in turn got Sephiroth thrown out of the hair salon and to also cause the biggest tantrum ever as he stormed off into Boots and bought his own hair dye. Yet when he passed the hair salon, he demanded to be allowed to do his roots and so in order to get rid of him, the hairdresser immediately did his roots quickly for him, but that did not stop his tantrum. In fact, he ran into The Body Shop first where he noticed Tifa looking in the Tea Tree section – obviously to see if there was something to get rid of the blemish on her face. That, in turn caused Sephiroth to buy the whole shop out.
And then…and this was the worst part of it for everyone since it was Cloud's fault because he ran into The Body Shop which was now empty of its supply of awesome stuff mainly because the narcissistic bastard…I mean Sephiroth had bought it all out mainly to drag Tifa into Debenhams which was next door. That was the worst of it all. Sephiroth's eyes seemed to gleam evilly as they walked into the humongous shop which was full of people who just wanted to spend money for no true reason whatsoever. He could see that both President Shinra and his Son, Rufus was in the lingerie aisle, picking up a horrible size pair of pants obviously for Mrs. Shinra.
There was also evidence that the Turks were also shopping here, mainly because many women had began to complain about two perverts who were also very easy on the eyes( that's…that's because…they all are…except Eleanor.) Sephiroth sighed greatly until he noticed a section that both sold Loco Weed- which was in fact a drug and was not used for chocobos unless you wanted to ride an extremely high chocobo yourself. The two soldiers who had been hallucinating about the yellow fox were pushed aside by many other stoners (including that yellow Fox-dude that everyone keeps imagining. Oh cool, a random yellow Fox-dude!)
"Now which hair glue do you think I should use this time. Shockwaves or Debenhams home brand?" Sephiroth watched as Tifa pointed towards the Debenhams home brand, obviously suffering from a hang over. At this he giggled…like a girl to be exact until he noticed the clothes…and immediately bought out the whole clothes section which caused many women to complain. And he also demanded 1 off on each set of clothing he had bought for himself from what was soon going to become his home. In fact, that night they all slept in Debenhams, dreaming of buying more stuff the next day until Tifa randomly cursed…mainly because she had ran out of gil.
"And that was what actually happened Cloud?" Nanaki or Red XIII had to ask mainly because the story seemed pointless and that it hadn't helped anyone, just made them feel more perplexed by Cloud's story. Drifting to sleep along with everyone else, he couldn't help but dream of what happened after, when Sephiroth had still burnt down the town, mainly because they had ran out of Silver hair dye at Debenhams. That was when he was tapped on the shoulder by Barrett who looked oddly like a caveman…and then, just as they got out of the inn, his eyes lit up. He had managed to find that a Debenhams had been built in Kalm and that he was also on his last pot of "Debenhams Uber Spiky Hair Glue for People Like Cloud."
Authors Notes: Okay, this is a complete parody; I didn't want to offend anyone. If you are offended, please do not review or flame me. If you did like this Parody story then I take cash, credit/debit card and cheques…Okay I am joking. Please R and R but like I said before: If you didn't like it, don't review or flame me.