A/N: Okay, I got this idea while watching Roseanne. At like 3 in the morning. Yes, it's actually a light humor fic, though I don't know how funny it actually is. Remember, light humor means that it's not all meant to be funny. But whatever. Here goes nothing that took a whole lot of something. Oh, and Roy and Ed are married in this because it works better that way.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Lucky you
Don't Quit Your Night Job
By: Rachel L. Mustang
"Explain to me why I have to do this again?" Roy slumped further down in the passenger seat, crossing his arms across his chest. He could be such a kid sometimes.
"Oh come on. It'll be fun. I loved Career Day when I was younger." Ed said, trying to see the positive side of things. It had taken him hours to convince the Colonel to even get in the car. Edward ended up having to drive, which was a risk for both passengers that had to be taken if they were ever going to get to the school, let alone find the place.
"Yeah, so did I. But that was when I wasn't the one with the career. How many kids really want to be in the military anyway, it sucks? Hey, do you think we should tell them that?" Roy managed a small smirk. He could tell those kids at least a hundred reasons why they shouldn't enlist.
"We are not telling them that! Now act a little more your age." Ed reprimanded his husband while trying to see into the rearview mirror. If he was just a little taller this would be a simple task.
"Hey, I think that's the place." Roy was pointing to a small brick building surrounded by some of the only trees in Central. A sign out front read Central Intermediate School. Great, Roy thought, a bunch of snobby thirteen year olds. That's just what I need.
Ed pulled the car into the lot and after many shots at decent parking decided that it wasn't worth the effort and took two spaces.
Ed got out of the car and stretched. The ride took longer than it should have due to the couple's miserable sense of direction. Never mind the fact that Roy had actually attended the school for two years. The man had an amazing ability to forget when it suited him.
He realized the stubborn idiot was still in the car. He hadn't moved an inch since they'd arrived. Ed stood a moment trying to decide if he wanted to yell at Roy or not. He opened the passenger side door and gestured for Roy to get out. "We've arrived at our destination, sir." Ed added a tinge of sarcasm at the end. The older man hated it when Ed spoke to him formally.
Roy climbed from the car and they headed toward the main school building. Ed got there and opened the door, only then realizing that his partner had stopped walking about half way. "Come on Roy. Get in the damn building."
"Nice language. You do realize you're at a school." The voice came from behind Ed and he turned around to see a boy around thirteen or fourteen standing in the hall.
Ed smiled at the kid. "And you are?" The boy returned the smile. "The names Cecil. Are you here for Career Day?" He asked seeing the uniform Edward was wearing.
"Yeah. My partner and I are supposed to be in room…"Ed pulled the sheet with all the information on it out of his chest pocket "109. Do you know where that is?"
"That's the room I'm in. I'll show it to you and your partner…if he ever gets here." Cecil smiled up at Ed, looking past him to see the other man standing in outside the school, not moving.
"Heh. Just a minute." Ed frowned and walked over to where Roy was standing, the latter with his hands shoved deep in his pockets staring down at the concrete side walk.
"Roy, come on. They're already waiting for us…is something wrong?" Ed added the last bit, noticing the Colonel wasn't acting like himself, not even like the brat he was in the car. Now he seemed almost sad.
"Nothing, I just…I don't like schools." Roy said, still looking down at his feet.
"They don't seem so bad. Do you have something against them?" Ed asked, laughing a little at the man's obvious regret at being here.
"Well, I didn't exactly get along so well with other people when I was younger." The Colonel answered looking a little embarrassed.
"I don't get it." Ed said in response, obviously genuinely confused.
"You know, for a genius, you seem rather stupid at times." Roy almost managed a fake smile before continuing "I caught a lot of violence in my adolescent years because I never really learned to fight back."
"Isn't that like instinct?" Ed asked, still confused.
"Maybe for you, but for someone like me, if you fought back, you got it worse." Roy answered, looking back down at the ground.
Ed thought for a moment, not really wanting this conversation to continue. He didn't like seeing the other man so upset.
"But that made you the strong man you are today." Ed responded. Roy smiled a little at the comment, bending over slightly to kiss the blonde.
"And you like your men strong don't you?" Roy said, standing straight once more.
"Without a doubt." Ed smiled, proud that he was able to cheer Roy up a little. He grabbed the Roy's sleeve and pulled him into the school building where Cecil was still standing, waiting patiently.
He smiled up at Roy. Ed continued their introduction. "Cecil my name is Major Elric and this," he pointed toward Roy, who smiled at the young teen. "Is my partner Colonel Mustang."
Cecil held out a hand for both of the men to shake then proceeded to lead them down the hallway towards room 109. They came to a stop outside of a door, already able to here the rambunctious children on the other side. "You can come in when you're ready." Cecil gave one last smile and entered the room, softly closing the door. Ed assumed that the child wasn't supposed to be out of the classroom and was trying to sneak back in, avoiding a lecture. Ed smiled knowingly, he knew a lot about avoiding lectures, having Mustang for a superior.
"Ed, you can do this alone right? I'll be in the car." Roy said and began walking away, but Ed caught his arm before he got too far. "Hey! What's your problem?" Ed glared at Roy.
"Look, Ed, I went to this school when I was a kid. I was fourteen and weak. I promised my self that I would never have to come back here. After I graduated at the academy, I promised myself that I would never have to be at a school again. There's a reason we keep promises, Ed. I can't do this." When he finished, he pulled his arm from his husband's grip and headed toward the exit.
"Remember, we have to be back at headquarters at two. Don't take forever." He waved over his shoulder and left the school.
Ed sighed "Okay." He muttered to himself and turned to walk into the class room. It had quieted down quite a bit during his talk with Roy and he hadn't noticed. The teacher was talking very sternly to somebody, who Edward realized was his little friend Cecil.
"You know you are not allowed to leave the class room, don't you?" The teacher asked Cecil.
"Yes…" Cecil answered, looking ashamed at getting caught.
"Um…" Everyone turned to see the owner of the voice. It was Edward. "Actually, Cecil was helping us, uh, me find the room." He said, trying hard to get the child out of trouble.
The teacher stared at him for a moment. "Very well, Cecil, take a seat. " Cecil sat down, but not before flashing a quick smile and a mouthed "Thank you" at Ed, who smiled back.
"And I assume you are Colonel Mustang?" The teacher asked Ed, who blushed a little. That's a first, he thought.
"Um…no, actually. I'm Major Elric. The Colonel couldn't…be here today." He held out his hand and the teacher shook it. From the back of the classroom, Cecil shot Ed a confused look. He had talked to Colonel Mustang.
"Okay class, this is Major Elric and he is here to tell us about the military. Please be on your best behavior for him." The teacher turned back to Ed, "If they get too loud, I'll be right down the hall." She smiled and left the room.
The first twenty minutes went pretty smoothly. Ed just talked about the military and after a while a few kids started asking questions and before long, everyone was doing the same.
Most of the questions were pretty normal. "Have you ever been to war?" and "Do you get to use guns." Ed easily answered them, but then came the question that would have him laughing all the way back to headquarters. It came from a boy sitting in the back of the classroom.
He was waving his hand around like he was going to combust if he wasn't chosen soon. Ed pointed to him and he stood up to ask his question. "My brother says that if you're in the military, you get a hot wife. You have a ring on. Is your wife hot?"
Some of the other kids started to laugh. Ed choked a little, unable to contain his laughter. He wished so badly that Roy was in here to have heard the question.
After some of the laughing died down, he answered. "My wife," Ed choked again. "my wife is very good looking, yes." Ed smiled.
The boy's hand shot up again and Ed couldn't help but to pick him. "Do you have a picture?"
Edward just stared at the kid for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. Just then the door opened and the teacher came back in.
"It sounds like you were a big hit, Major, but I'm afraid that it's almost one thirty and the children need to get their homework assignments." She smiled as the kids groaned almost in unison.
"Okay, thank you for having me." He smiled at the teacher and shook her hand again. "I hope I can come back next year."
"I'm sure you can." She turned to the children. "Now, who wants to show Major Elric to the exit?"
Cecil's hand was the first one up. "Fine, but hurry back Cecil."
Cecil hopped up from his chair and left the classroom with Ed, leading him down the halls until they came to the exit. Then he turned and spoke. "Thanks for saving me back there. I don't know if I can stand another detention."
"No problem, but next time don't get caught, okay?" They both laughed a little before Cecil spoke again. "What happened to Colonel Mustang?"
"He didn't feel good, so he stayed in the car." Ed answered.
"Oh…you guys are gonna come back next year, right? It's gonna be my last year here." Cecil asked hopefully.
Edward smiled down at the boy. "Yeah, we'll be back and the Colonel will come in too." The boy smiled and gave Ed a high five before walking back to class.
Ed walked out of the building and back to the car with a smile on his face. He climbed in to find the Colonel asleep in the front seat. He gently shook him awake. "Roy, I'm back."
The Colonel yawned and stretched. "How'd it go?"
Ed giggled a little "Well, one kid asked if my wife was hot." He leaned over and kissed Roy on the cheek. Roy turned so he could kiss Ed's lips.
"You better have said yes." Roy smiled at his husband and they headed back to headquarters.
A/N: So, it wasn't as funny as planned, and it was longer than I thought it was going to be too. Sorry I didn't name the teacher, I was lazy. Anyway, please review.
P.S. - I don't know how old kids in Intermediate school are. When I was that age, they called it all Junior High. So, sorry if the ages are a little off.