Warnings: AU, mild cursing, mentions of mature theme's, Depression, one-sided Dei-saso Love.
I Don't own Naruto, for the record.
It's basically a Song fic, to the song '4 in the morning' by Gwen Stefani. Enjoy? It really has no plot.
Four in the Morning:
In the dark of night, when the moon shone brightly over the city buildings is when people like him stayed up to stare into the cloud-filled sky above and think about what was to come in life. The deep intake of air and the soft breeze felt like the earth was sighing, whirling into the high apartment window- that was open to gaze out at the city lights.
The luminous moon made shadows against the dark clouds of pre precipitation, the lonely color of shy blue against the dark mixes of a depressing grey. It made for one good view, a pretty painting above the gray windows littered with bright yellow and red lights that looked more like dots against the night sky and grey surroundings.
A cerulean blue eye gazed up into the darkness of the sky from that open window along the high apartment building, serene, intelligent, and happy in its own way. Blonde hairs were dulled by the moons kissing light, the once high pony tail on the youths head gone to allow a flow of gold along his shoulders. Skin a moon-colored pale only compared to the ivory color of cold feet under the watchful eye of the starry night. Slowly, he turned around and walked the short distance to the bed where, among the crumpled blankets and sheets of the rather cold night, the subject of his thoughts lay sleeping soundly. He could only say he'd join him shortly, sinking into the cold fabric with one longing glace out the window as the moon strayed behind thick clouds with the strong breeze that made it painfully present of the night chill, sending a wave of cold, crisp night air to cool his flushed skin.
How long would they last? Was his depression thought, and it was clear to him that he'd stay as long as it was possible. He'd try to do this right for once, and with that thought in mind, the blonde youth slid down and snuggled deep into the fluffy comforter pushed away from the man beside him, to be greeted by dreams of a reality that one could only imagine up.
Waking up to find another day
the moon got lost again last night
but now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright
It was early, and the sun how it rose and set across the horizon for an hour and made the sky purple and pinks, oranges and blues mingling when it came up. It eclipsed the building across from his own, and groggily, his eyes opened each with there own pretense and desire. Beside him where once a man was sleeping was an empty place, a cold imprint, a blank canvas one could say. A frown flickered across his features and it was painfully apparent now that it was just a one night show again.
Sighing with a disappointed air around him, the blonde got himself up and dragged his body across the floor, figuratively speaking as he fumbled with the light and turned it on. It was going to be one long day.
At work, it took him all but two seconds to find a cheerful face and to put it on as he stalked through the doors of the large building. Greeting the security with a snide remark about there lack of will power, he made his way to the receptionist desk on the first floor and greeted the woman with a kindness he only reserved for her. Brown hair and hazel eyes that were more on the green side then brown with glasses that were perched on her face rather nicely framing her with a cool air. Glancing up at the blond from her daily work of charting and typing in medical records and other pointless things the receptionist down here got to do, she smiled.
"Good morning, Deidara-sama." Her voice was soft and courteous the kind of smile only hinting that of a friendly gesture.
"Hmm, Good morning, Mercy-kun." He cooed rather softly back, not wanting to discourage her from her good morning mood. That wasn't like him, to not make nasty or overly rude comments about the staff, he did it quite frequently, but the woman proved her worth by sticking up for herself and throwing one back, on the pretense that she could of lost her job.
"What can I do you for? You look a little tired today." Her statement was innocent enough- and so deciding it'd be best just to ask her for something rather then argue he sighed.
"…I heard I had a new case, do you have it on you?" Deidara paused, continuing after thinking a grin playing across his face, "And could you get me a cup of coffee from the shop down the street on the corner of fifth and central? Hmm?" It brought a form of pleasure from him as Mercy made a face handing a rather thick file off to him with the words 'CONFIDENTIAL' written in big bold print in red. It was hefty, and it was his job.
"I'll do it if you can manage to get that report off your desk and to Pein-sama by the time I come back." It was a challenge, a challenge that the supposedly 'happy' male couldn't pass up.
"You're on. And thank you, kindly Mercy-kun." Bowing his head slightly, scooping up the file with another cheeky, and rather flirtatious grin to the woman, stalking off towards the elevator snatching a ride with another one of the workers in the large building.
Today was definitely going to be an interesting day.
It whipped by, faster then he thought it would and soon the sun was setting against the buildings and sky line. From what he could imagine the setting sun across the many buildings was a beautiful sight to behold, and from what it was told by a co-worker that got off early enough to see it. Deidara always found himself rather jealous of those people- the people that got off that early with normal nine to five jobs, the kind of job he didn't have the luxury of having.
The blonde's thoughts soon changed into that of the male he'd shared his bed with the night before, and a new wave of depression washed over him. His presence was always welcomed around this time, with open arms. Then again, it didn't seem to fair to Deidara that it meant something to him, that his heart was cracking, while it seemed for the other it was not. The emotion was a meaningless tool to which his partner ignored and only let the pleasure of the heated moments consume him.
But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
"Deidara…"
And here he was, his current problem, his heart ache standing in bodied form in his office door. It was painful to ignore it, and he knew it was going to drive him over the edge, but did that really matter? It never did before. That depression that floated around him was burnt away with a smile, he looked so fine, there seemed to be nothing wrong. He was Deidara after all, the blonde terrorist that took great pride in his art work, the crazy co-worker who always knew how to share and lighten the mood. Oh, but it was killing him.
But he could pretend, he could pretend that what they did was really love, and not just a way for the both of them to get rid of sexual frustration.
"Sasori no Danna Hm, what's up?" It was so simple to say that to the person you were sleeping with. It was so easy to see past that mask he held on every day. The look of ecstasy on his face while writhing beneath the hot body to which the blonde owned, to which he knew from that look, from that moment that this was just a flirtatious game.
At this moment, another made himself known, the zealot known as 'Hidan' marched into the office slumping into a chair at another desk just to the west of Deidara's own. The wine-pinkish color eyes he owned glancing at the blonde in question at Sasori's presence, before returning to the paper work before him. He never really liked his job it seemed- just maintained it so he wasn't bored all day.
The red headed man shrugged at his question, a briefcase held in one of his hands. Shuffling his feet along the ugly gray carpet the man took in a deep breath. He didn't know what to say- and Deidara found he was okay with that. He didn't have to face the truth the facts that he always knew were true, but never acknowledged fully. That Sasori, no matter what, couldn't love him- but he'd give him everything with the notion that maybe, one day, Sasori would. A sharp sigh then, left the pale lips that belonged to the blonde, his cerulean eyes sharpening and glittering slightly in a friendly manner.
"I understand my place?" It was so simple yet so sinful. If the others in the office knew about there nights together, they never said anything. Hidan passed a sharp questioning look towards Deidara, and of course to defend himself the terrorist glared back at him, hard to get his point across. 'Don't utter a fucking word or I will destroy you'
And the shrug and defeated look he got in return screamed in Hidan's voice 'I won't, I won't...'Silent as it was it was perfect for the both of them.
Work came to an end quickly after that- about ten minutes or so; and after packing up the Blonde grinned at his co-worker and waved a hand absently in his direction. If it was seen, he didn't get a reaction and so assumed that he didn't and just ignored it for his destination.
'Home'
Home, where he knew Sasori would be waiting- where there night of passion free of thought blossomed so very quickly. He wasn't there yet, and took his time as well thinking of ways to start this. Way's to finish it quickly so he couldn't feel his lonely heart crack, he wanted to be numb. It was the only way though, it was the only way he could get rid of this feeling, this longing to be with the red-head. The night sky was muggy and still the threat of precipitation was large. He could have sworn he smelt the rain in the distance. Sex while it was rainy outside was always the best when the window was open- which as he recalled, it still was.
When he'd gotten home, everything seemed to happen so fast. Ties were undone, shirts being pulled at with heated hands. Pressing against the slightly shorter man, kiss swollen lips trailed along his jaw. So hectic, so blurry, Deidara could hardly catch up with this actions in his mind. So used to doing this he didn't question, and Sasori hardly spoke- and when he did it was usually the soft moan of his name during the passionate act of sex. Shifting slightly In his stance, Sasori's fingers tugged at the rim of dark slacks, true still to his lust-fueled intentions and when they were finally at Deidara's feet the red head stripped his own off, taking it upon himself to clash there bodies against the bed.
Skin against heated skin made for a hot moment; they molded. Against the bed sheets they turned, moaned and fumbled with sticky intentions. It started so quickly and after about half and hour or so of dry humping, heavy petting and finally penetration they were tired and set for bed. Thankfully Sasori never left right after, maybe he was too tired to move- or maybe he was being courteous, either way he fell quickly into a sedated sleep after sloppy kisses good night.
Deidara found he loved the way the red head looked just right after, that peaceful expression that crossed effortlessly over a rosy face. Flustered with indifference and finalized pleasure by there actions that they could both admit to being somewhat of a good time. Sometimes, he wondered if Sasori realized he'd give him everything, him self whole without skipping a heart beat because he really had nothing left to count on- to live for.
A work of art…Though he knew Sasori would disagree.
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
He knew, deep down that Sasori viewed art as an eternal thing, but that didn't mean Deidara couldn't pretend this wasn't eternal. All he could give was his body in hopes that one day he could have what he wanted though not eternally but close to it. That of course would be asking too much of someone, to ask for there love in return to ask them to at least consider it, was just too much, and he knew he could want, want and want, but never get anything.
In a larger picture it was almost too pointless to voice his feelings, further fueling his depression when the thought came to him- he could end it fleetingly, with his life In tow, and it would be painless for him.
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Tucking the smaller of the two in, the youth pulled the now mauled bundle of hair in the tie, out letting it fall in a messy heap against his shoulders and down his back again, walking towards the window in the room to gaze up at the sky. He wasn't going to get much sleep tonight, even though he was tired physically his mind wouldn't settle until he let this depression out- and what better way to do that then to sit at this window, legs dangling out of it over the city streets in his high apartment the moon that once illuminated the sky the night before over taken by clouds thick and grey. It was only a matter of time before be threw himself out of this window.
Not as if it would matter to anyone anyways- right? To him, it never did and it never will.
Stay up till four In the Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
what have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
The hours passed quickly, and the lights of a bedside clock shone in red lettering '4:02 A.M.' and it was still dark, rain just starting to pelt it's way down to the cooled earth. One would of guessed he'd of gone and slept but no. If there was a god he knew he'd be reprimanded when he got to heaven, if he was going to do this he should have done it right. Along with the frightening gasp he hand on the window and the rain that drizzled down his face was red and his lip trembling with cold, and sorrow. Deidara wasn't one for tears, but what has he been doing? Walking himself into this depression and it was hard to blame it on other people when he knew he did it to himself. Tears weren't going to help now.
All I wanted was to know I'm safe
don't want to lose the love I've found
These feelings weren't close to real love, not once did he every say it was- but once found it was a good replacement.
Sniffling the blonde lurched back into the apartment to keep from falling accidentally cerulean and a tired gaze flickering across clouds that slowly became lighter with the passing minutes to five.
Remember when you said that you would change
don't let me down
its not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
"Deidara?" It was a tired voice, one he grew to love as much as he could allow himself. He could feel alright about this, he could.
"Hm, you're awake?" Deidara asked quietly turning his head slightly to look at his partner in crime- the sleepy dull red-brown eyes that he owned scanning him quickly with question that was hardly there.
"What are you…" He yawned eyes only half-open now, "Doing on the sill? Don't fall…" It was a genuine statement that most anyone would say out of concern; but it didn't feel that way to him. Sasori never promised Deidara anything, never once verbally promised him a thing; yet he felt he said enough with his actions that it wasn't really needed.
"I'll make sure, you sleep…"
That was all that was said, and the Red head nodded turning over the sheet draped over his hip exposing enough skin to excite the imagination but hiding enough to make one slump back in wonder.
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
He found himself wondering sometimes if this routine would ever change.
Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
we can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
It was nearly five in the morning now, nearly but not quiet and the rain outside got harder. Shifting so as one leg was out of the apartment suspended in air, and the other was in it, he lazed back eyes puffy with silent tears that up until now went unnoticed by anyone but himself. The blonde didn't need questions; he didn't need shit just Sasori- just to have him there. He could openly admit that he was soaking wet from the rain- but it's not like he had much on to get wet in the first place, just his skin, his skin and some thin boxers that were really nothing short of typical.
Nothing was going to change, nothing ever changed.
Now that was a depression thought, Deidara found, and with it came a choked dry sob which he was shocked to find was extremely loud. Wide eyes turn to the bed and he didn't see movement, so they averted quickly to the outside world. That would be good- blame the stains on his cheeks on the Rain.
Not caught though he found there was no need, he didn't think he was caught.
"Deidara…?" Maybe he was?
Taking a deep breath, he turned his head just slightly, ever so slightly to look at Sasori out of the corner of his eye, blinking at his up right form in the bed.
"You alright?" A question he couldn't honestly answer. So he didn't, he didn't answer at all and returned his blue tired gaze back out the window at the building before him, then up at the turning grey rain clouds. It was a sight to behold, the pretty shades that the could had, that grey that mingled shamelessly with a blue so dull and drenched with water it was hardly blue at all. But it was there.
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got
Foot steps approached Deidara, the tone starting off harsh as words poured from Sasori's tongue "Hey, I was talking…" only to end in a softer tone, whispered in confusion.
Cause I wanna have a really true love
don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
"…Deidara, what's wrong?" The blond made a face at the clouds outside brow coming together, not responding, and not looking only thinking. 'Rejection' something he thought he could handle but knew better. Somehow he knew better from the very start. He didn't want to ruin this, he didn't want to let anything he could say cause the loss of this interaction, though one sided.
Stay up till four In the Morning & the tears are pouring
and I want to make it worth the fight
"Push me." Deidara instructed suddenly, allowing his blue eyes to level with the building before him, and then focus on the ground below. The red letters on the clock said '4:57 A.M.' and soon Sasori would have to leave. Make it quick; make it painless, he should be able to do this.
"What?" Baffled, the red head blinked staring at him like he was a fool, he was sure. He didn't have to look to know that. The sound of shuffling and an angry grunt sounded to his right inside the building, while half still hung outside of the window. This wasn't supposed to be an argument, suppose it was now. "You heard me."
No, a command. Deidara could be pushy and if Sasori didn't shove him out the window he found comfort in knowing he could just jump.
"Deidara, don't be stupid get off there." Was that his lame attempt at trying to get him to stop? Was he taking Deidara lightly? The blonde wouldn't have it. "No, Sasori, it's not stupid. Push me." Looking back finally his blue eyes lost with his soul, his heart, that flicker of hope he'd squashed for Sasori. Now all the red head had to do was smash him.
"No." Came the quick reply brown eyes narrowing in response to Deidara's seriousness. "Enough games get off there." Turning away Sasori blinked not sure what he was doing as he made way towards the bed again, pausing in grabbing his own under garments to turn and stare at the blue eyes boring a hole into his back.
What have we been doing for all this time?
"It's not a game." Deidara said slowly, a small barely there smile playing across his face. Not his usual smirk, not his usual grin, that cocky expression he's so known for.
It became quiet again, and upon having this staring contest Deidara was willing himself to say it, to do this right before he found he couldn't take anymore of this life.
Sex, and lies and all because he wanted to hide, all because he couldn't say what he wanted to say all this time.
Eternally he'd be dead, and burrowed safely in the red heads memory. His life will be snuffed out in a fleeting moment- and as sick as it seemed it made sense, and made this fight with himself all the easier to win.
"I'm not going to push you, you blonde idiot- now come off of there you're soaking wet." As right as Sasori was Deidara wasn't moving his blond hair matting against his head leg cold, body landscaped with goose bumps.
"I'll do it for you then." That was alarming, Sasori found and was fully alert now, through the sleepiness that surrounded him.
"Don't you dare" Sasori said slowly turning to watch him eyes narrowed- 'he wouldn't he couldn't.'
"You're breaking me, Sasori no danna, hmm." The blonde finally whispered his blue eyes sliding closed; his body visibly relaxing against the frame of the open window that hardly held him in place. Sasori was a few steps away from him, only a few if he tried maybe he could grab his arm.
"What?" a puzzled expression marred the calm tired one he had earlier. That smile was unnerving now as Deidara rocked along the frame as if thinking about it. "You see, I" A pause, a dangerous one as he swayed back and forth unnerving the red head even more.
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
"…I think I love you."
There was a flash of lightning the loud clap of thunder coming to follow shortly after and that's when he did it, he leaned back, far enough to start and slide off the window sill. The clock read '4:59 A.M' and with a stifled yelp Sasori threw himself at the window in an attempt to stop the blond from falling, to stop him from dying.
'5:00 A.M.'
An alarm sounded carelessly into the silenced room. Every thing forth right being quiet.
A blonde man lay wet, and sleeping with a sound expression on his face sheets pulled up and tucked under his arms loosely. The window was closed now, the soft pitter patter of rain against the window was the only reason it wasn't an eerie silence.
A call later to check the two from work, and a few minutes passed the red head joined the blonde man lying close to him with a twisted expression of misunderstanding playing along his face. So many questions, the first being for how long? The second why? When he woke later- they would talk surely this was just all a mistake.
'He loves me.' That couldn't be a mistake, and for once, he found doubt strung along his soul because he wasn't sure he could go on if he didn't love him back.