Snow Weiß and the Two Dwarfs
AKA Snow Omi
Warnings: Yaoi.. Some poking at Ken for being stupid, Aya
too. I think that's it... Weiß isn't ours. There.
Cast
Brad: Father.. And Evil Mirror oO
Aya: The Evil Stepmother
Omi: Snow White
Nagi: The prince ^_______^
Youji: The Hunter
Schuldig: Naughty Dwarf
Farfie: Psychotic Dwarf
Ken: Narrator. (Chen-Too: Poor Ken... I always give him the sucky parts. I
really should make it up to him ^^ Hisphere-chan: oO Are you kidding, woman?
I love Ken to bits n' pieces, -gathers him up in all his little tiny parts-
but if there's one thing our readers love, it's humorous Ken-abuse, the baka
deserves that, too. ox; )
**Scene opens to reveal the inside of a castle. Aya is in the great hall, preening himself in front of a mirror**
Aya: *to his reflexion* Ohh... You are soooo sexy. Too sexy. *blows kisses and gets up, turning around* oO Do you think my ass is fat in this dress?
Narrator ken: *stifling giggles* Aya is really into his part ^^
Aya: *snaps around to glare at Ken* Shutup. I can't help being so naturally beautiful, you know. *has gobs of cheesy makeup on*
Narrator Ken: *sweatdrop* Em... yea. Such was the morning ritual of Queen
Aya. He would admire himself in the mirror, fix any minor flaws, and then ask the mirror this infamous question:
Aya: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all!
Mirror: *with Brad's voice ^^* Without a doubt you are the fairest in the land. But I can see the future and all will not stay the same. The Princess Omi will soon become the fairest!
Aya: WHAT!?! Damn piece of shit! *many many bleeps ensue as Aya takes the mirror off the wall and crashes it over his own head*
Brad: *entering* Idiot.
Ken: Queen Aya may have been beautiful, but he was also short on brain cells, having lost many in his midnight tumbles with.. *gets a nosebleed* Well, he was shorted a lot.
Chen-Too: Like you, Ken!
Ken: *glares* I will choose to pretend you never said that. Anyway, Queen Aya also had a thick skull, and soon enough he recovered. It just so happened that Queen Aya, although married to King Brad, had once had an affair with the hunter, Youji.
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan in unison: ^o^ Who hasn't?
Ken: *blushes*
Aya: Youji, I called you here because I need a favor. You need you to take Snow Omi into the woods and kill him. Bring me back his heart as proof!
Youji: What will I get as payment?
Queen Aya: *reluctantly* I'll let you use whipped cream. As long as you don't get any in my hair, that would make it gross.
Youji: *happy as a clam* Okay ^o^ Anything for sex!
Narrator Ken: And so, knowing that the young Snow Omi had a crush on him, Youji took him out to the forest, supposedly for a picnic and some forbidden 'activity'.
**Curtain closes, and various scuffling noises are heard backstage while the stagehands prepare the next scene**
Aya: I'll get you, Ken! *various metals clashing on various things can be heard* I'm not short on brain cells, I happen to be special!
Ken: Yeah, how WAS it in those schools with Hooked on Phonics and cookies when you did something right?
*Aya is heard snorting like a mad bull, and someone is apparently holding him back from killing Ken*
*Hisphere-chan disappears backstage, Chen-Too sadly shaking her head*
Chen-Too: Our boys will be boys, ne?
Hisphere-chan: Aya, if you don't shutup, I'll tell Weiß AND Schwarz where you REALLY go on Friday nights, AND who you're going with!
*Youji grins smugly, still holding Aya back, who shrieks like a soprano*
Aya: You.. Wouldn't.. Dare!
Hisphere-chan: *smirks, glancing over at the Farf, who grins back* No, he isn't REALLY in his room, and no, it's not anywhere with Youji. Youji, ever wondered why all your con- *Aya slaps a hand over her mouth, and Hisphere- chan bites it*
Aya: *deathglare*
Chen-Too: *Megadeathglares* NOW! Back on stage, all of you! Hisphere-chan, get back here!
*Audience sweatdrops as YOUJI and OMI enter STAGE RIGHT*
Youji: Well, Omi, great day for a picnic, eh? And.. OTHER things. *winks obviously, waggling an eyebrow*
Omi: *blushes prettily and sits down on the blanket, rearranging his skirts* Did you bring the whipped cream, Youji-kun?
Youji: *pulls some out from the basket* You bet'cha, Omi. *knows he's only supposed to bring back Omi's heart, but can't pass up the chance to get laid in the process*
Omi: *claps his hands like a little girl* Goodie!
**BOTH disappear under blanket and various moans, groans, and the occasional loud obscenity is heard. Finally, BOTH re-emerge, their hair mussed, faces flushed, and whipped cream covering the important parts**
Fangirls: *pout* Damn.
Youji: Hey, Omi? I need to get your heart so I can bring it to the Ice Queen Aya, *snickers, while Aya again must be restrained* but alas, I cannot bring myself to do it. Want another go?
*Hisphere-chan nudges Chen-Too, and whispers*: Is that part of the script?
Chen-Too: *thumbs through it*.. Nope. But, c'mon, we'd get good ratings!
Hisphere-chan: *thinks, which looks like a semi-hard process, and nods* Alright.
**More moaning, groaning, and, 'OH, YOUJI!' from that innocent blonde we all know and love**
Chen-Too: Enough, boys! We need to get back to the show.
Audience and Ken: *gets nosebleeds*
Omi: *looking even more flushed, still panting* Youji, can't you just leave me here to fend for myself? I'm like a girl scout!
Youji: And if they were over eighteen, I'd take 'em back to my place, and-
Omi: You-JI! Be serious!
Youji: *eyes widen* I am!
**random objects are thrown at them**
Ken: ANYWAY, Youji finally takes Youji to the middle of the forest, but Omi has convienently dropped rocks along the way, allowing him to find his way back home!
Chen-Too:.. Wrong story, Ken.
Ken: Oh!.. Uh.. And Omi sings a song in his incredibly high-pitched voice, scaring away all the animals, so he has to fend for himself. Finally, after getting scratched and scared and losing more brain cells than humanly possible, *sniffs self-importantly* he finds a house. A tiny one. He can barely fit into it, but he somehow manages.
Farfarello: *from offstage* Being tiny hurts God!
Omi: *pretends he didn't hear that, goes inside, and cleans up and whatever other crap all by himself because the animals are afraid he'll start singing again* Oh, I wonder who lives here! I could use them as paperweights.. I need one for my term papers..
*AUTHORS cough*
Omi: Uh, yeah..
Ken: Finally, the two dwarves enter.
ALL: *singing* Hi ho, hi ho.
Naughty Dwarf (Schuldig): *giggles drunkenly, a few empty beer bottles at his feet* Those guys from Weiß all blow. *receives hostile glares*
Aya: *offstage* And Schu's a git.
Nagi: *also offstage* Ken's got a zit.
Ken: *screeches like a girl waxing her legs* OH, NO!
ALL: Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho!
**Suddenly, all of their clothes magically transform into leotards, tights, and ballet slippers**
ALL, looking each other over: Hehe, hehe.
Aya: *does the whole Xena battle cry, and is promptly silenced the Psychotic Dwarf (Farfie), who immediately upstages him by doing it _properly_* Shi-NE Takatori! *all sweatdrop at Aya swinging his katana around*
Brad: *disgruntled* I hate Youji. *watches him snuggling and making out like a dog in heat with Schuschu*
Omi: *giggles, slinging an arm around Nagi's waist and pointing at an upstairs room in the Dwarves' cabin* Let's go, Nagi!
Nagi: *nods emphatically, and runs off with him*
Ken: *nosebleeds*
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan in backround: *snigger appreciatively* Hehe, hehe, hehe, hehe!
Hisphere-chan: *leans over and whispers to Chen-Too* We need to write a fic where Kenken gets laid or something! I'm starting to feel bad for him.
Chen-Too: Yea. Everyone's screwing everyone... *gets evil gleam in her eyes* Except Brad and Aya. Pick which one Ken lays with!
Hisphere-chan: *mischievous grin* I know EXACTLY who Ken's gonna give a toss..
**Back on stage, the DWARFS are just arriving home**
Naughty Drawf: Hi, Omi!
Psychotic Dwarf: You look depressed.
Naughty: Nothing that a little sex can't cure!
Omi: *blushes*
Hisphere-chan: Schuldig, the dwarfs never do that with Snow Omi!
Naughty: *smirks* Well, I'm not your average dwarf.
Psychotic: *nods importantly* WE aren't your average dwarfs. *making his intention clear*
Omi: *giggles* I feel so loved!
Chen-Too: -_-;; Do you think we can go on with the story?
Hisphere-chan: *claps like a little girl* ^_^ No, I'm enjoying th-.. *is silenced by a look from Chen-Too* oo;;
Ken: Seeing as the dwarfs only had one bed, um... Snow Omi would have to sleep with them. In exchange, he would cook and clean and be their sexy french maid.
Youji: *watches on in fascination* I've never seen Snow White like this before ^_____^ This is my kind of story!
**Curtain closes yet again while the stage is set for the next scene**
Schuldig: So Omi, ready for some action??
Farf: Hahehehe...
Omi: Wh-what?!
Schuldig: Well, you know...
Youji: *jumps from audience to join in on the action*
*Thirty seconds later, Nagi arrives on stage*
Nagi: O_O OMI!!! What the hell are you doing?! With THREE people?! That's sick!
Omi: *from under Youji, Schu, and Farfie* Nagi, wait! It's not like that! They're taking advantage of me!
Nagi: o.o;; Oh.. Well, that's different. *telekinetically pries them off Omi, and gives them a PK-beating* THREE of you on HIM?! That's sick! ((PK = Psycho kinesis, for all you morons out there. oo;;))
Farf: *shrugs nonchalantly and licks a knife* Taking advantage of Omi makes God cry.
Omi: Nagi! *glomps his boy toy*
Chen-Too: Somehow, I feel this incident could have been stopped.
Hisphere-chan: Yeah, but isn't it fun to watch? *grins*
Chen-Too: Yup.
Crawford: If you don't have any further business with me, I'd like to leave.
Hisphere-chan: NO! I mean- I have plans for you later on. *evil cackle*
**Everyone takes their places and becomes quiet as the curtain rises**
Aya: *in front of mirror, which has been badly put back together* Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all! *fluffs up hair*
Mirror: You were fair, that's sad, but true, and now Snow Omi is fairer than you!
Aya: WHAT!?! ARGH!!
Schu: *snickering* Aya's UGLY!!
Nagi: *joining in* Omi's PRETTIER!
Aya: *in hysterics* NOOO! DON'T LOOK AT ME!! *covers face*
Ken: The Queen Aya ran away from the mirror, and quickly down to her secret dungeon with plans to kill Snow Omi herself. ((his-self??))
Aya: *who has grown several warts on his now green nose* *ultramegasuperdeathglare* *stirring cauldron* Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, cauldron burn and cauldron bubble, deadly poison I am making, To kill Omi for vain-ness sake-..ing? *cauldron bubbles over and Aya cackles*
Ken: For Aya was the most adept sorceress in all the land, and could whip up any potion in just a matter of minutes.
Aya: *turns to a cabinet and takes out random misplaced celery, and random misplaced jar of peanut butter*
Chen-Too: For someone who's supposedly such a pack rat, you'd think he'd be neater..
Aya: Aha! I shall give this to one of my two minions, and they shall perform my task for me! No need to get these beautiful hands of mine dirty. *hands are calloused from killing people*.. Uh.. *rings a little Christmas bell* Oh, Dwarfies!
**SCHULDIG and FARFARELLO enter**
Schuldig: *has a completely ridiculous Christmas-elf hat on complete with bells, pointy clogging shoes, and a sexy elfin clubbing outfit complete with open shirt and low-cut pants*
Chen-Too: *admired Hisphere-chan's wardrobe choice* Niice.. The hat is so.. so..
Hisphere-chan: Retro?
Chen-Too: *nods emphatically*
Schuldig: Look, everyone! I'm Aya! *turns around to give our readers a clear shot of his 'backside', and joyful, screaming fangirls faint* Do these pants make my ass look fat?
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan: *with big heart eyes* Nuh uh. *shake heads*
Schuldig: *turns back around* Psst. *inclines his head toward the stage, where a very pissed-off Queen Aya is tapping her foot*
Farfie: *cackles insanely* Being in sexy outfits hurt God! *walks on in tight-fitting, green leather pants, an open green leather vest, and knee- high black boots, making all Farfie fans whimper and all non-Farfie fans convert*
Aya: *glares at his 'minions' the dwarfs, and hands the celery and peanut butter to Schuldig* That's poisoned peanut butter. Spread it on the celery and give it to Snow Omi.
Schuldig: *smirks* Heheheh..
Aya: Try something funny and I'll.. I'll.. I'll take your clothes... away.. Or something! \_/; *sweatdrops*
Farfie and Schu: *crack up laughing*
Aya: LEAVE!
Ken: And so the Naughty dwarf and the Psychotic dwarf went away, supposedly to go poison Snow Omi.
**Curtain Closes briefly for YET ANOTHER scene change**
Omi: *from behind curtain* Aya, I can't -believe- you're trying to poison me!
Aya: *just stares*
Omi: That's mean!
Aya: *keeps staring* ...
Omi: Well?!
Aya: Well what?
Omi: Aren't you going to apologize?
Aya: Ap..-ol..-o..-gize? What is this word, a-po-lo-gize? *blinks, and everyone facefaults*
Hisphere-chan: It means to tell him you're sorry for trying to poison him, idiot.
Aya: Shi-NE! *runs toward Hisphere-chan with his katana up*
Hisphere-chan: O_O Eeep!.. Just.. GO SCREW OMI OR SOMETHING xx;;;
Aya: *stops in front of her, thinks, shrugs, and drags Omi backstage*
**ALL open their ears to backstage, where a good amount of thumping and groaning and moaning is going on, and it sounds like Omi is running through his entire list of profanities, in -two- languages*
Nagi: *happens to walk backstage* O___O OOOMIIIII!! How COULD you? *runs across the stage, sobbing*
Omi: *chases after Nagi with a towel wrapped around his waist, which is -conveniently- pulled down centerstage, but he keeps running* IT WASN'T MY FAULT! BELIEEEEVE MEEE!! *shrieks after him, pouting*
Hisphere-chan: *hides a piece of string attached to the towel behind her back* oO -blinks innocently* Whaaat?
Audience: *screams their approval and stares at his *ahem* and his *cough* as he runs backstage again*
Chen-Too: *grumbling, she gives Hisphere-chan an icy glare, causing her co- writer to cringe* I'm going back there to fix this, you nitwit, and then the show must go on! *disappears after the two lovers*
Hisphere-chan: *blinks again like a moron* WHAT? What'd I do NOW?
Chen-Too: *sighing* Nagi, come back, and we'll raise your pay a few thousand dollars, alright?
Nagi: *indignant, hurt voice* FIFTY-THOUSAND!
Chen-Too: *hand to head* ALRIGHT! Just get your bony behind back on stage. At least in the wings 'til you come on.
Nagi: *sniffling now* Okay..
**LIGHTS DIM, and come on again to reveal SNOW OMI doing housework, singing in that annoyingly shrill voice again until KEN, great shot that he is, manages to throw a cork in OMI's mouth. NAUGHTY and PSYCHOTIC DWARF enter**
Naughty: *holding the bag away from him as though it might explode* Alright, let's give this celery to the runt so we can keep our clothes-.. Wait.. Why not just STEAL the celery so we can hang around Aya in all our nude glory?
Psychotic: Being naked hurts God!
Chen-Too: *to Hisphere-chan* They can't do that!
Hisphere-chan: Why not?
Chen-Too: 'CAUSE!! Then Nagi and Omi... They still have to screw!
Hisphere-chan: *looks at Chen like she's stupid* They're fighting. WHY would they want to screw? *turns back to stage* Besides, I like it better this way...
Chen-Too: *buries face in random pillow and screams*
Hisphere-chan: --; *huffs* Fine! Schuldig.. RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT!
Schuldig: *looks like his birthday's come early* Aye aye, Captains!
Ken: *before he can go any further, with a blush so bad it looks like he's gotten into a grocery store and eaten a bushel too many of tomatoes, smearing them on his face in the process* SO! Naughty *Schu strikes a pose, still getting ready* and Psychotic *Farfie licks a knife* Dwarf have orders from Queen Aya to poison Omi. *Schu pouts and bawls*
Schuldig: I was about to have fun!
Ken: \_/ SHUTUP!.. *coughs* So they disguise themselves as strippers and show up at his front door, carrying a buffet and a little stripper harem trailing behind them.
Naughty: *rings the doorbell*
Omi: Just a minute! *opens the door to reveal himself in some -tight- jeans, making the dwarves' mouths hang open*
Psychotic: You ordered a stripper harem?
Omi: *slowly shakes his head* No.. I don't think so.. But I'm bored! Come in. ^_^ *genki smile*
Ken: So the strippers jumped on each other once inside, and the tiny house fell apart, and Naughty dwarf was just about to have his way with Omi when an invisible force picked him up and threw him off the set, where he stayed unconscious for the rest of the production. Almost, at least.
Psychotic: So, Omi, how 'bout we get some food, 'eh? I'm starved.
Omi: *giggles all sexy-like* I'll give you something to eat! *quirks an eyebrow*
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan: *fall backwards in their chairs, nose bleeding and blushing*
Nagi: *quietly, from offstage* Omiiiiii...
Farfie: *Takes celery from behind his back* Look, Omi!
Omi: AHHHH! NOOOO!!! *backs away*
Farf: No, Omi, It's brain food!
Omi: *hyperventilating* I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie! *screams*
Farfie: *shoves celery down Omi's throat* That's the general idea. Ayaaa! We had a deeeal!
Queen Aya: *in the wings dressed in a Dom outfit, mentally cursing* C'mere, you psychotic .. thing.
Ken: *happens to glace at Aya, and falls out of his narrator's chair with a blush like a third degree sunburn*
**Curtain closes, saving KEN from the embarrassment of his little... problem.. *gazes down* **
*Behind curtain, dragging noises are heard, interrupted by several 'ouches' and an occasional curse word as Omi is lifted to his new spot on stage*
Ken: Omi! You weigh a ton!
Nagi: *nods*
Omi: Ah! I do NOT!! I carefully monitor my weight and eat a balanced die- *clunk is heard*
Brad: That should shut him up.
Nagi: What did you do that for?!
Brad: Tch... kids these days, they don't appreciate -anything-!
Nagi: *haugtily places his hands on his hips, and Nagi fans drool at the silhouettes*
Brad: Yep. *nods, counting off on his fingers* Sex, sex, and.. I believe there's one I forgot.. Oh, yes! It's sex, isn't it?
Nagi: Something you don't get much of when Schu's not around, eh?
Brad: *goes all purple in the face, and begins catfighting with Nagi- you know, heads turned, hands flapping*
Nagi: *snarls, picking Omi up with his telekinesis, and moves him to a more private spot backstage*
Chen-Too: *shakes her head* You just HAD to get the translucent curtain, didn't you, Hisphere-chan?
Hisphere-chan: *clueless cat ears pop up* You.. You don't like it? *sniffles*
Chen-Too: No! *avoids a tantrum* It's lovely, just-
Hisphere-chan: Great! ^^ *bounces happily in her seat, Coke cans littering the floor around her* Caffeeeeeine!
ALL: *major sweatdrop*
Chen-Too: O_O;;; Yes. On with the production. Thank you. *whispers* Did they slip any alcohol in your coke?
Hisphere-chan: ^_^ You mean that funny clear stuff called V.. Oh, I know this.. ^__^ It's Vodka! oO Can I have a doggie treat?
Chen-Too: *hand to head* Oh, I better be getting paid BIG TIME for this.. They SO owe me.. *turns to audience* I apologize, she's usually not so hyper, I just wasn't monitoring her when she drank all that coke..
Hisphere-chan: ^_^ *sings* If you're happy and you know it, screw some men!
*Curtain opens, Note: on HISPHERE-CHAN'S command because she was tired of watching Nagi and Omi get it on behind curtain that only showed shadows, though you could hear quite well**
Ken: *has to be taken off in an ambulance, his blood is only going to two places in his body, one north, one south*
Youji: *rooting them on from backstage, but a bit distracted by Schu, who's on top of him*
Aya: *snickering very OOC-ish-ly, making all in the audience shut up for a good five minutes while he does it*
Farfarello: *laughing insanely while mutilating his body with kitchen knives that no one knows how he smuggled them all in*
Nagi: Omi! Gods, you're incredible! *pants*
Omi: *just moaning, and the curtain ruffles a lil' due to them, Youji, and Schu on the far side of them*.. *NOT BEHIND THEM, YOU PERVERTS! ACROSS THE STAGE!*
Hisphere-chan: *quietly pays off the stagehands a good amount of money to open the curtains, and cameras click away like crazy*
Hisphere-Chan: *holds up a sign: IDIOTS AND MORONS, THERE WILL BE NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY WHILE TWO SETS OF BISHOUNEN ARE SCREWING LIKE BUNNIES. GOT A PROBLEM? LEAVE. THANK YOU! P.S. VIDEO CAMERAS ARE ACCEPTABLE! *runs down the stairs and behind the curtain*
Chen-Too: *Couldn't thing of a better sign, but holds one up anyway* PLEASE EXCUSE MY CO-AUTHOR. SHE'S DRUNK ON VODKA, HYPER ON CAFFEINE, AND HIGH ON SOMETHING. Oo; *manages to tidy herself up* Now, time for an Intermission!
Hisphere-chan: *streaks across the stage* THIS ISN'T FAIR, EVEN IF I DO LOOK BETTER AS MALIBU BARBIE! *screeches, disappearing into the wings at the opposite side of the stage*
Chen-Too: O_o Damn, woman, you can't be seen in public like this!
~*~
*Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan come out to greet the audience, BOTH dressed and wearing pretty silk kimonos*
Chen-Too: Good evening, Ladies and Gents!
Hisphere-chan: o.o Gents? What's that short for? Gingerbread?
Chen-Too: *vein pops out of her forehead* Gentlemen, and you are REALLY trying my patience.
Hisphere-chan: *whimpers, nodding, and at another glare, falls silent*
Chen-Too: This is the intermission. When we have a chance to calm our audience down from all that screwing, with a few random mini-games for our actors. *reluctantly hands an index card to Hisphere-chan* You do know how to read don't you?
Hisphere-chan: *nods happily* Our first game is Duck, Duck, Goose!.. Just kidding. o-; *passes Chen-Too a memo asking if she can get some more Vodka* It's Truth or Dare! Hang around! *thought Strip Poker was too over-done in fics already, and so's Truth or Dare, but hell, let's go wild, eh?*
Chen-Too: *reads the memo, whacks Hisphere-chan upside the head with Kenken's goggles, (which Hisphere stole earlier that day,) and yells* NO! \_/
AKA Snow Omi
Warnings: Yaoi.. Some poking at Ken for being stupid, Aya
too. I think that's it... Weiß isn't ours. There.
Cast
Brad: Father.. And Evil Mirror oO
Aya: The Evil Stepmother
Omi: Snow White
Nagi: The prince ^_______^
Youji: The Hunter
Schuldig: Naughty Dwarf
Farfie: Psychotic Dwarf
Ken: Narrator. (Chen-Too: Poor Ken... I always give him the sucky parts. I
really should make it up to him ^^ Hisphere-chan: oO Are you kidding, woman?
I love Ken to bits n' pieces, -gathers him up in all his little tiny parts-
but if there's one thing our readers love, it's humorous Ken-abuse, the baka
deserves that, too. ox; )
**Scene opens to reveal the inside of a castle. Aya is in the great hall, preening himself in front of a mirror**
Aya: *to his reflexion* Ohh... You are soooo sexy. Too sexy. *blows kisses and gets up, turning around* oO Do you think my ass is fat in this dress?
Narrator ken: *stifling giggles* Aya is really into his part ^^
Aya: *snaps around to glare at Ken* Shutup. I can't help being so naturally beautiful, you know. *has gobs of cheesy makeup on*
Narrator Ken: *sweatdrop* Em... yea. Such was the morning ritual of Queen
Aya. He would admire himself in the mirror, fix any minor flaws, and then ask the mirror this infamous question:
Aya: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all!
Mirror: *with Brad's voice ^^* Without a doubt you are the fairest in the land. But I can see the future and all will not stay the same. The Princess Omi will soon become the fairest!
Aya: WHAT!?! Damn piece of shit! *many many bleeps ensue as Aya takes the mirror off the wall and crashes it over his own head*
Brad: *entering* Idiot.
Ken: Queen Aya may have been beautiful, but he was also short on brain cells, having lost many in his midnight tumbles with.. *gets a nosebleed* Well, he was shorted a lot.
Chen-Too: Like you, Ken!
Ken: *glares* I will choose to pretend you never said that. Anyway, Queen Aya also had a thick skull, and soon enough he recovered. It just so happened that Queen Aya, although married to King Brad, had once had an affair with the hunter, Youji.
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan in unison: ^o^ Who hasn't?
Ken: *blushes*
Aya: Youji, I called you here because I need a favor. You need you to take Snow Omi into the woods and kill him. Bring me back his heart as proof!
Youji: What will I get as payment?
Queen Aya: *reluctantly* I'll let you use whipped cream. As long as you don't get any in my hair, that would make it gross.
Youji: *happy as a clam* Okay ^o^ Anything for sex!
Narrator Ken: And so, knowing that the young Snow Omi had a crush on him, Youji took him out to the forest, supposedly for a picnic and some forbidden 'activity'.
**Curtain closes, and various scuffling noises are heard backstage while the stagehands prepare the next scene**
Aya: I'll get you, Ken! *various metals clashing on various things can be heard* I'm not short on brain cells, I happen to be special!
Ken: Yeah, how WAS it in those schools with Hooked on Phonics and cookies when you did something right?
*Aya is heard snorting like a mad bull, and someone is apparently holding him back from killing Ken*
*Hisphere-chan disappears backstage, Chen-Too sadly shaking her head*
Chen-Too: Our boys will be boys, ne?
Hisphere-chan: Aya, if you don't shutup, I'll tell Weiß AND Schwarz where you REALLY go on Friday nights, AND who you're going with!
*Youji grins smugly, still holding Aya back, who shrieks like a soprano*
Aya: You.. Wouldn't.. Dare!
Hisphere-chan: *smirks, glancing over at the Farf, who grins back* No, he isn't REALLY in his room, and no, it's not anywhere with Youji. Youji, ever wondered why all your con- *Aya slaps a hand over her mouth, and Hisphere- chan bites it*
Aya: *deathglare*
Chen-Too: *Megadeathglares* NOW! Back on stage, all of you! Hisphere-chan, get back here!
*Audience sweatdrops as YOUJI and OMI enter STAGE RIGHT*
Youji: Well, Omi, great day for a picnic, eh? And.. OTHER things. *winks obviously, waggling an eyebrow*
Omi: *blushes prettily and sits down on the blanket, rearranging his skirts* Did you bring the whipped cream, Youji-kun?
Youji: *pulls some out from the basket* You bet'cha, Omi. *knows he's only supposed to bring back Omi's heart, but can't pass up the chance to get laid in the process*
Omi: *claps his hands like a little girl* Goodie!
**BOTH disappear under blanket and various moans, groans, and the occasional loud obscenity is heard. Finally, BOTH re-emerge, their hair mussed, faces flushed, and whipped cream covering the important parts**
Fangirls: *pout* Damn.
Youji: Hey, Omi? I need to get your heart so I can bring it to the Ice Queen Aya, *snickers, while Aya again must be restrained* but alas, I cannot bring myself to do it. Want another go?
*Hisphere-chan nudges Chen-Too, and whispers*: Is that part of the script?
Chen-Too: *thumbs through it*.. Nope. But, c'mon, we'd get good ratings!
Hisphere-chan: *thinks, which looks like a semi-hard process, and nods* Alright.
**More moaning, groaning, and, 'OH, YOUJI!' from that innocent blonde we all know and love**
Chen-Too: Enough, boys! We need to get back to the show.
Audience and Ken: *gets nosebleeds*
Omi: *looking even more flushed, still panting* Youji, can't you just leave me here to fend for myself? I'm like a girl scout!
Youji: And if they were over eighteen, I'd take 'em back to my place, and-
Omi: You-JI! Be serious!
Youji: *eyes widen* I am!
**random objects are thrown at them**
Ken: ANYWAY, Youji finally takes Youji to the middle of the forest, but Omi has convienently dropped rocks along the way, allowing him to find his way back home!
Chen-Too:.. Wrong story, Ken.
Ken: Oh!.. Uh.. And Omi sings a song in his incredibly high-pitched voice, scaring away all the animals, so he has to fend for himself. Finally, after getting scratched and scared and losing more brain cells than humanly possible, *sniffs self-importantly* he finds a house. A tiny one. He can barely fit into it, but he somehow manages.
Farfarello: *from offstage* Being tiny hurts God!
Omi: *pretends he didn't hear that, goes inside, and cleans up and whatever other crap all by himself because the animals are afraid he'll start singing again* Oh, I wonder who lives here! I could use them as paperweights.. I need one for my term papers..
*AUTHORS cough*
Omi: Uh, yeah..
Ken: Finally, the two dwarves enter.
ALL: *singing* Hi ho, hi ho.
Naughty Dwarf (Schuldig): *giggles drunkenly, a few empty beer bottles at his feet* Those guys from Weiß all blow. *receives hostile glares*
Aya: *offstage* And Schu's a git.
Nagi: *also offstage* Ken's got a zit.
Ken: *screeches like a girl waxing her legs* OH, NO!
ALL: Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho!
**Suddenly, all of their clothes magically transform into leotards, tights, and ballet slippers**
ALL, looking each other over: Hehe, hehe.
Aya: *does the whole Xena battle cry, and is promptly silenced the Psychotic Dwarf (Farfie), who immediately upstages him by doing it _properly_* Shi-NE Takatori! *all sweatdrop at Aya swinging his katana around*
Brad: *disgruntled* I hate Youji. *watches him snuggling and making out like a dog in heat with Schuschu*
Omi: *giggles, slinging an arm around Nagi's waist and pointing at an upstairs room in the Dwarves' cabin* Let's go, Nagi!
Nagi: *nods emphatically, and runs off with him*
Ken: *nosebleeds*
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan in backround: *snigger appreciatively* Hehe, hehe, hehe, hehe!
Hisphere-chan: *leans over and whispers to Chen-Too* We need to write a fic where Kenken gets laid or something! I'm starting to feel bad for him.
Chen-Too: Yea. Everyone's screwing everyone... *gets evil gleam in her eyes* Except Brad and Aya. Pick which one Ken lays with!
Hisphere-chan: *mischievous grin* I know EXACTLY who Ken's gonna give a toss..
**Back on stage, the DWARFS are just arriving home**
Naughty Drawf: Hi, Omi!
Psychotic Dwarf: You look depressed.
Naughty: Nothing that a little sex can't cure!
Omi: *blushes*
Hisphere-chan: Schuldig, the dwarfs never do that with Snow Omi!
Naughty: *smirks* Well, I'm not your average dwarf.
Psychotic: *nods importantly* WE aren't your average dwarfs. *making his intention clear*
Omi: *giggles* I feel so loved!
Chen-Too: -_-;; Do you think we can go on with the story?
Hisphere-chan: *claps like a little girl* ^_^ No, I'm enjoying th-.. *is silenced by a look from Chen-Too* oo;;
Ken: Seeing as the dwarfs only had one bed, um... Snow Omi would have to sleep with them. In exchange, he would cook and clean and be their sexy french maid.
Youji: *watches on in fascination* I've never seen Snow White like this before ^_____^ This is my kind of story!
**Curtain closes yet again while the stage is set for the next scene**
Schuldig: So Omi, ready for some action??
Farf: Hahehehe...
Omi: Wh-what?!
Schuldig: Well, you know...
Youji: *jumps from audience to join in on the action*
*Thirty seconds later, Nagi arrives on stage*
Nagi: O_O OMI!!! What the hell are you doing?! With THREE people?! That's sick!
Omi: *from under Youji, Schu, and Farfie* Nagi, wait! It's not like that! They're taking advantage of me!
Nagi: o.o;; Oh.. Well, that's different. *telekinetically pries them off Omi, and gives them a PK-beating* THREE of you on HIM?! That's sick! ((PK = Psycho kinesis, for all you morons out there. oo;;))
Farf: *shrugs nonchalantly and licks a knife* Taking advantage of Omi makes God cry.
Omi: Nagi! *glomps his boy toy*
Chen-Too: Somehow, I feel this incident could have been stopped.
Hisphere-chan: Yeah, but isn't it fun to watch? *grins*
Chen-Too: Yup.
Crawford: If you don't have any further business with me, I'd like to leave.
Hisphere-chan: NO! I mean- I have plans for you later on. *evil cackle*
**Everyone takes their places and becomes quiet as the curtain rises**
Aya: *in front of mirror, which has been badly put back together* Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all! *fluffs up hair*
Mirror: You were fair, that's sad, but true, and now Snow Omi is fairer than you!
Aya: WHAT!?! ARGH!!
Schu: *snickering* Aya's UGLY!!
Nagi: *joining in* Omi's PRETTIER!
Aya: *in hysterics* NOOO! DON'T LOOK AT ME!! *covers face*
Ken: The Queen Aya ran away from the mirror, and quickly down to her secret dungeon with plans to kill Snow Omi herself. ((his-self??))
Aya: *who has grown several warts on his now green nose* *ultramegasuperdeathglare* *stirring cauldron* Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, cauldron burn and cauldron bubble, deadly poison I am making, To kill Omi for vain-ness sake-..ing? *cauldron bubbles over and Aya cackles*
Ken: For Aya was the most adept sorceress in all the land, and could whip up any potion in just a matter of minutes.
Aya: *turns to a cabinet and takes out random misplaced celery, and random misplaced jar of peanut butter*
Chen-Too: For someone who's supposedly such a pack rat, you'd think he'd be neater..
Aya: Aha! I shall give this to one of my two minions, and they shall perform my task for me! No need to get these beautiful hands of mine dirty. *hands are calloused from killing people*.. Uh.. *rings a little Christmas bell* Oh, Dwarfies!
**SCHULDIG and FARFARELLO enter**
Schuldig: *has a completely ridiculous Christmas-elf hat on complete with bells, pointy clogging shoes, and a sexy elfin clubbing outfit complete with open shirt and low-cut pants*
Chen-Too: *admired Hisphere-chan's wardrobe choice* Niice.. The hat is so.. so..
Hisphere-chan: Retro?
Chen-Too: *nods emphatically*
Schuldig: Look, everyone! I'm Aya! *turns around to give our readers a clear shot of his 'backside', and joyful, screaming fangirls faint* Do these pants make my ass look fat?
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan: *with big heart eyes* Nuh uh. *shake heads*
Schuldig: *turns back around* Psst. *inclines his head toward the stage, where a very pissed-off Queen Aya is tapping her foot*
Farfie: *cackles insanely* Being in sexy outfits hurt God! *walks on in tight-fitting, green leather pants, an open green leather vest, and knee- high black boots, making all Farfie fans whimper and all non-Farfie fans convert*
Aya: *glares at his 'minions' the dwarfs, and hands the celery and peanut butter to Schuldig* That's poisoned peanut butter. Spread it on the celery and give it to Snow Omi.
Schuldig: *smirks* Heheheh..
Aya: Try something funny and I'll.. I'll.. I'll take your clothes... away.. Or something! \_/; *sweatdrops*
Farfie and Schu: *crack up laughing*
Aya: LEAVE!
Ken: And so the Naughty dwarf and the Psychotic dwarf went away, supposedly to go poison Snow Omi.
**Curtain Closes briefly for YET ANOTHER scene change**
Omi: *from behind curtain* Aya, I can't -believe- you're trying to poison me!
Aya: *just stares*
Omi: That's mean!
Aya: *keeps staring* ...
Omi: Well?!
Aya: Well what?
Omi: Aren't you going to apologize?
Aya: Ap..-ol..-o..-gize? What is this word, a-po-lo-gize? *blinks, and everyone facefaults*
Hisphere-chan: It means to tell him you're sorry for trying to poison him, idiot.
Aya: Shi-NE! *runs toward Hisphere-chan with his katana up*
Hisphere-chan: O_O Eeep!.. Just.. GO SCREW OMI OR SOMETHING xx;;;
Aya: *stops in front of her, thinks, shrugs, and drags Omi backstage*
**ALL open their ears to backstage, where a good amount of thumping and groaning and moaning is going on, and it sounds like Omi is running through his entire list of profanities, in -two- languages*
Nagi: *happens to walk backstage* O___O OOOMIIIII!! How COULD you? *runs across the stage, sobbing*
Omi: *chases after Nagi with a towel wrapped around his waist, which is -conveniently- pulled down centerstage, but he keeps running* IT WASN'T MY FAULT! BELIEEEEVE MEEE!! *shrieks after him, pouting*
Hisphere-chan: *hides a piece of string attached to the towel behind her back* oO -blinks innocently* Whaaat?
Audience: *screams their approval and stares at his *ahem* and his *cough* as he runs backstage again*
Chen-Too: *grumbling, she gives Hisphere-chan an icy glare, causing her co- writer to cringe* I'm going back there to fix this, you nitwit, and then the show must go on! *disappears after the two lovers*
Hisphere-chan: *blinks again like a moron* WHAT? What'd I do NOW?
Chen-Too: *sighing* Nagi, come back, and we'll raise your pay a few thousand dollars, alright?
Nagi: *indignant, hurt voice* FIFTY-THOUSAND!
Chen-Too: *hand to head* ALRIGHT! Just get your bony behind back on stage. At least in the wings 'til you come on.
Nagi: *sniffling now* Okay..
**LIGHTS DIM, and come on again to reveal SNOW OMI doing housework, singing in that annoyingly shrill voice again until KEN, great shot that he is, manages to throw a cork in OMI's mouth. NAUGHTY and PSYCHOTIC DWARF enter**
Naughty: *holding the bag away from him as though it might explode* Alright, let's give this celery to the runt so we can keep our clothes-.. Wait.. Why not just STEAL the celery so we can hang around Aya in all our nude glory?
Psychotic: Being naked hurts God!
Chen-Too: *to Hisphere-chan* They can't do that!
Hisphere-chan: Why not?
Chen-Too: 'CAUSE!! Then Nagi and Omi... They still have to screw!
Hisphere-chan: *looks at Chen like she's stupid* They're fighting. WHY would they want to screw? *turns back to stage* Besides, I like it better this way...
Chen-Too: *buries face in random pillow and screams*
Hisphere-chan: --; *huffs* Fine! Schuldig.. RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT!
Schuldig: *looks like his birthday's come early* Aye aye, Captains!
Ken: *before he can go any further, with a blush so bad it looks like he's gotten into a grocery store and eaten a bushel too many of tomatoes, smearing them on his face in the process* SO! Naughty *Schu strikes a pose, still getting ready* and Psychotic *Farfie licks a knife* Dwarf have orders from Queen Aya to poison Omi. *Schu pouts and bawls*
Schuldig: I was about to have fun!
Ken: \_/ SHUTUP!.. *coughs* So they disguise themselves as strippers and show up at his front door, carrying a buffet and a little stripper harem trailing behind them.
Naughty: *rings the doorbell*
Omi: Just a minute! *opens the door to reveal himself in some -tight- jeans, making the dwarves' mouths hang open*
Psychotic: You ordered a stripper harem?
Omi: *slowly shakes his head* No.. I don't think so.. But I'm bored! Come in. ^_^ *genki smile*
Ken: So the strippers jumped on each other once inside, and the tiny house fell apart, and Naughty dwarf was just about to have his way with Omi when an invisible force picked him up and threw him off the set, where he stayed unconscious for the rest of the production. Almost, at least.
Psychotic: So, Omi, how 'bout we get some food, 'eh? I'm starved.
Omi: *giggles all sexy-like* I'll give you something to eat! *quirks an eyebrow*
Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan: *fall backwards in their chairs, nose bleeding and blushing*
Nagi: *quietly, from offstage* Omiiiiii...
Farfie: *Takes celery from behind his back* Look, Omi!
Omi: AHHHH! NOOOO!!! *backs away*
Farf: No, Omi, It's brain food!
Omi: *hyperventilating* I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie! *screams*
Farfie: *shoves celery down Omi's throat* That's the general idea. Ayaaa! We had a deeeal!
Queen Aya: *in the wings dressed in a Dom outfit, mentally cursing* C'mere, you psychotic .. thing.
Ken: *happens to glace at Aya, and falls out of his narrator's chair with a blush like a third degree sunburn*
**Curtain closes, saving KEN from the embarrassment of his little... problem.. *gazes down* **
*Behind curtain, dragging noises are heard, interrupted by several 'ouches' and an occasional curse word as Omi is lifted to his new spot on stage*
Ken: Omi! You weigh a ton!
Nagi: *nods*
Omi: Ah! I do NOT!! I carefully monitor my weight and eat a balanced die- *clunk is heard*
Brad: That should shut him up.
Nagi: What did you do that for?!
Brad: Tch... kids these days, they don't appreciate -anything-!
Nagi: *haugtily places his hands on his hips, and Nagi fans drool at the silhouettes*
Brad: Yep. *nods, counting off on his fingers* Sex, sex, and.. I believe there's one I forgot.. Oh, yes! It's sex, isn't it?
Nagi: Something you don't get much of when Schu's not around, eh?
Brad: *goes all purple in the face, and begins catfighting with Nagi- you know, heads turned, hands flapping*
Nagi: *snarls, picking Omi up with his telekinesis, and moves him to a more private spot backstage*
Chen-Too: *shakes her head* You just HAD to get the translucent curtain, didn't you, Hisphere-chan?
Hisphere-chan: *clueless cat ears pop up* You.. You don't like it? *sniffles*
Chen-Too: No! *avoids a tantrum* It's lovely, just-
Hisphere-chan: Great! ^^ *bounces happily in her seat, Coke cans littering the floor around her* Caffeeeeeine!
ALL: *major sweatdrop*
Chen-Too: O_O;;; Yes. On with the production. Thank you. *whispers* Did they slip any alcohol in your coke?
Hisphere-chan: ^_^ You mean that funny clear stuff called V.. Oh, I know this.. ^__^ It's Vodka! oO Can I have a doggie treat?
Chen-Too: *hand to head* Oh, I better be getting paid BIG TIME for this.. They SO owe me.. *turns to audience* I apologize, she's usually not so hyper, I just wasn't monitoring her when she drank all that coke..
Hisphere-chan: ^_^ *sings* If you're happy and you know it, screw some men!
*Curtain opens, Note: on HISPHERE-CHAN'S command because she was tired of watching Nagi and Omi get it on behind curtain that only showed shadows, though you could hear quite well**
Ken: *has to be taken off in an ambulance, his blood is only going to two places in his body, one north, one south*
Youji: *rooting them on from backstage, but a bit distracted by Schu, who's on top of him*
Aya: *snickering very OOC-ish-ly, making all in the audience shut up for a good five minutes while he does it*
Farfarello: *laughing insanely while mutilating his body with kitchen knives that no one knows how he smuggled them all in*
Nagi: Omi! Gods, you're incredible! *pants*
Omi: *just moaning, and the curtain ruffles a lil' due to them, Youji, and Schu on the far side of them*.. *NOT BEHIND THEM, YOU PERVERTS! ACROSS THE STAGE!*
Hisphere-chan: *quietly pays off the stagehands a good amount of money to open the curtains, and cameras click away like crazy*
Hisphere-Chan: *holds up a sign: IDIOTS AND MORONS, THERE WILL BE NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY WHILE TWO SETS OF BISHOUNEN ARE SCREWING LIKE BUNNIES. GOT A PROBLEM? LEAVE. THANK YOU! P.S. VIDEO CAMERAS ARE ACCEPTABLE! *runs down the stairs and behind the curtain*
Chen-Too: *Couldn't thing of a better sign, but holds one up anyway* PLEASE EXCUSE MY CO-AUTHOR. SHE'S DRUNK ON VODKA, HYPER ON CAFFEINE, AND HIGH ON SOMETHING. Oo; *manages to tidy herself up* Now, time for an Intermission!
Hisphere-chan: *streaks across the stage* THIS ISN'T FAIR, EVEN IF I DO LOOK BETTER AS MALIBU BARBIE! *screeches, disappearing into the wings at the opposite side of the stage*
Chen-Too: O_o Damn, woman, you can't be seen in public like this!
~*~
*Chen-Too and Hisphere-chan come out to greet the audience, BOTH dressed and wearing pretty silk kimonos*
Chen-Too: Good evening, Ladies and Gents!
Hisphere-chan: o.o Gents? What's that short for? Gingerbread?
Chen-Too: *vein pops out of her forehead* Gentlemen, and you are REALLY trying my patience.
Hisphere-chan: *whimpers, nodding, and at another glare, falls silent*
Chen-Too: This is the intermission. When we have a chance to calm our audience down from all that screwing, with a few random mini-games for our actors. *reluctantly hands an index card to Hisphere-chan* You do know how to read don't you?
Hisphere-chan: *nods happily* Our first game is Duck, Duck, Goose!.. Just kidding. o-; *passes Chen-Too a memo asking if she can get some more Vodka* It's Truth or Dare! Hang around! *thought Strip Poker was too over-done in fics already, and so's Truth or Dare, but hell, let's go wild, eh?*
Chen-Too: *reads the memo, whacks Hisphere-chan upside the head with Kenken's goggles, (which Hisphere stole earlier that day,) and yells* NO! \_/