Lost love but not forgotten

They've always had a connection, like if he really was her missing part, the part of her that she hid from everyone else, no matter whom: Riley or Spike, Willow, Xander, her mom, Dawn and especially from Giles.

She hid it from him too, but it wasn't necessary, he saw right through her. He saw everything in this world: its beauty, its loneliness, its cruelty. God, he was the Cruelty of this world. At least that part of him that he was always pushing deep inside. But there was only one thing that he'd never known, in which he'd never believed until he met her. The moment he saw her for the first time, even the sunshine stopped to hurt for a moment. She was a different person back then: shallow, easy going, without any responsibilities. But he saw right through her, saw the first signs of future changes: how she frowned a little at the words Vampire Slayer, how she nervously put a candy in her mouth, how the strength was rising in her during that small conversation with a member of a Watcher council. She walked down the steps and he loved her. Since the first moment he could always see her heart. He saw that she held it before her for everyone to see. And he worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in his life he wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with his own. He'd never told her and never will, that he was there, when she killed her first vampire, ready to give up his life for her if necessary, knowing deep inside that she will be alright without him.

And then he met her in that dark alley, when she knocked him out he instantly knew he was right. And wrong in the same time. She was strong, she could always stand up for herself, but she also was fragile, she needed him, even she didn't know it back then. He was ready to be there for her, he knew that it was his destiny to protect her from the cruelty of this world. He saw it million times, saw how Slayers became detached, closed themselves from everyone, how they all put their Mission before everything and everyone and he hated it. He knew how easy it was to forget who you really are. He didn't want it for her. She opened him a new world where he was needed, where he meant something, where he was something.

He didn't know it back then, but it was also him who needed help, who needed her. She complemented him, as well he complemented her. They were meant to meet, meant to face the reality of being together, of loving each other, of caring for each other and eventually of losing. He almost forgot how many times he thought he had lost her forever.

The first time she died he thought that his non-beating heart was torn apart, pulled out and left bleeding out in the sun. The pain was unbearable, and she lived as if she felt his pain and couldn't let him suffer. The night they spent together on her birthday, when they made love, when he experienced the moment of perfect happiness brought death to him. He was dead for so long, lying unpeaceful and silent inside Angelus's mind, trying to bear with the Cruelty he was again. He saw everything Angelus did, heard his every thought and he couldn't fight, couldn't protect her from himself. And it was torture, it was worse than a thousand years in Hell dimension where she send him when he finally got back.

And when he returned to Earth, disoriented and frightened, she was there for him, helping him to find himself again. He couldn't remember anything, he knew nothing except for one thing. He knew he loved her, and his love was infinite, endless and he only knew that he must give it to her, share it with the only person he knew needed him. He saw all the pain in her eyes, all the suffering she went through and love she was caring for him.

And then there was that one perfect day, when she couldn't left his side, his bed, his life. He felt that he deserved that perfect happiness, that kind without deadly consequences. They made love like it was the last day on earth and though it really was, they didn't know it. They threw themselves in each other's embraces, leaving the whole world behind for the first time. For the first time they put their happiness ahead of everything else: their friends, their enemies, their destinies. And then he lost her as if nothing ever happened. And it didn't. She was supposed to never ever remember this day. He made a hard decision because he knew that she would need him strong, she would need him to be able to protect himself, even she didn't know it herself. He had always remembered her tears when he told her, and it hurt as if he was set on fire but even worse. But he must have been strong, he had to make that call for her, as he had always knew that she was too fragile, too weak to do such kind of things. He had to be strong for both of them.

And then she died, this time for real. He was crushed, he had never thought that he could be so lost, like a wanderer without water in the desert. What was the point in that prophecy if there was nobody to share his humanity with? He lived, he suffered, he fought for her, to become human again and be with woman she loved the most. And now she's dead and the world is empty without her. He knew he could love again, everyone does eventually, but it wouldn't be the same. She was the love of his life, the person who made him live again. She was everything for him, she was even everything for Angelus. And now she's gone. And he was all alone in this meaningless world. He wanted to die, he wanted to stop this torture, but he couldn't. He knew that she would disapprove, there were people who needed his help and though there was no her, he had to do everything in his power to make this empty world a better place for them. Even if she was dead he had to be strong for her, he had to be strong for both of them, he had to fight and find peace to die eventually. He believed that one day they we'll be together again and he couldn't let his desire to stop the pain destroy the only chance they had left.

Every day he woke up in tears, as she was whispering him all the words of love she knew in his dreams. She was in Heaven, she sacrificed herself to save the world. She was peaceful, knowing that everyone is safe. There was no pain, no suffering anymore. There was only him, her only connection to the world of living. The Powers told her to let him go and rest in peace, be a part of something bigger, something more powerful, but she couldn't. She didn't want to leave this place and she didn't want to leave him alone. She felt responsible seeing how weak he was without her. He needed her, she needed him. He tried to let her go, he kissed her for the last time every night and she promise to let him live. But at the end of the day he couldn't wait to see her again and they both broke the rules.

And then one night she wasn't there, she left him. And he couldn't hate her more for finding peace when he had to suffer without her, struggling to earn an opportunity to be with her forever. He blamed himself for her leaving, because he told her about that perfect day. She must have hated him too for taking this memories from her. That's why she left, to punish him. And he deserved it. He didn't know how he survived the day, knowing that he won't see her again. He punished himself for being so foolishly honest, for making her feel the pain again, he blamed himself for not letting her go earlier so that she wouldn't have ever known.

But then it was, the moment that changes everything, the moment that is the answer to all the questions, the moment when nothing matters anymore, because there's only you and her.

She was alive. The Powers let her go, when he friends asked for her. They let her go.

"Angel"

"Buffy"

And that was it, the moment of clarity, when you see you path and understand what you need to do. She looked him in the eyes and he knew everything. He knew that she didn't want to leave, that she was angry with her friends to bringing her back to pain and death, that she is lost. He saw her heart once again, beating, feeling, loving. In that same instance he knew that she remembered everything. Every second of that day, every second of his dreams where she tried to recreate that day even when she still had no idea of it happening. And despite the fact that she didn't want to be in this world anymore, she loved him. She loved him and it was the only thing that was worth living again for.

"Willow pulled me out of Heaven, Angel. I hate it, I hate that I have to fight again, I have no strengths and no desire to do it again. The Powers knew that my friends want to bring me back, They wasn't going to let it happen. They put me in Heaven and I didn't want to leave. That's what They wanted. They tried to take you away, but I didn't let Them. I needed you, and I was selfish for making you suffer longer than you should've, but I just couldn't let you go. They couldn't take you without my permission, but They wanted it badly. They wanted me to stay, needed me for something. But I don't care. You were my world, the reason of my being, the reason I am who I am now. And I kept you. And I will always keep you whatever happens next. They didn't know that, they tried to make me stay, but They couldn't. I felt something, that They can't feel. And this was my way out. You are the reason Willow was able to bring me back", she looked the other way shaking of tears and frustration.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, I'm so, so sorry", he whispered too scared to make a step in her direction.

She turned her eyes on him, surprised.

"You shouldn't. You've always been and will always stay the only thing in this world that it worth living for. And I will fight, I will suffer and I will fulfill my new destiny. And one day when it will be over prefect happiness will be our reward. And there will be no consequences. Like today."

When she kissed him, the world exploded. There was nothing there anymore, just the two of them left on the side of the road in a cheap motel. He knew everything about her pain and he felt it with her. They shared everything, their thoughts, their memories, their destinies, their lives. He knew, that this was a gift from the Powers and that one day he would have to pay it, but in that moment it didn't matter. She was Their favorite child and They gave her a chance to be happy for one night. At least for now. She deserved it, as well as he, a small gift in the middle of their path.

And so they forgot about everything and everyone, they made love and didn't care that in the morning she might have to kill him. It didn't matter. He was with her, she was with him.

"Angel", she murmured under her breath.

"Buffy", he whispered into her lips.