Gifted

"Only you, Chief. Only you."

"Now that is so unfair, Jim. How was I supposed to know she was another psycho?"

"She wanted to spend quality time with you, that's how."

"Oh great, thanks for the sour persimmons there. I didn't know that, I thought she was just a nice motherly type, more Joel's speed, I was even gonna try and introduce them."

"Well, they've now met over a pair of handcuffs and the usual warning."

"Man, this is soooo not gonna help my reputation with the thin blue line, you know - especially those laughing their asses off while you were rescuing me yet again."

"Oh believe me, Sandburg, no onewas laughing."

"Hey, hiya Simon! I didn't see you, were you on the rescue as well?"

"And how do you think I would miss it? Between them, Ellison and your mother had every cop in a ten mile radius on the case."

"Mom? Oh she didn't."

"But she did... and incidentally, Sandburg, your mother can be scarier than your self-elected Blessed Protector any day, even all the way from Patagonia. Feeling warmer, by the way?"

"Oh yeah, that place was like an ice-box."

"We gathered that was its original purpose. And how are the wrists, by the way? Rope burn eased off?"

"Pretty much, thanks -"

"Then do law enforcement a favor and email her before she drives the commissioner, the police chief and me even more insane than necessary."

"Oh, man, I am toast, I'm never gonna hear the end of it, even if I can ever show my face in the bullpen again..."

"Don't fret it, Chief, we also rounded up seventeen missing persons, thirteen serial shoplifters, a musical kleptomaniac and three previously unsuspected murderers, so the commissioner will be happy to forgive once he recovers. And if it's any consolation, we kept her cards and letters under wraps."

"Her... cards?"

"Yeah, you know - the ones that told us where she'd stashed you. Trust me, the local bakeries were not on our list of places to search, let alone a loco chef/cake decorator's private icebox dungeon underneath."

"So... okay, Jim, do I want to know how you picked up on her?"

"Probably not."

"Jiiiimmmm..."

"You were meant to be her birthday present to herself, Chief, before we crashed the party for two."

"Aaahhh... I did remember to say thank you, didn't I?"

"You were pretty out of it, but I think we got the message."

"I mean, nice lady and all that, but she was old enough to be my mom..."

"Older, which was partly we nabbed her."

"Again... do I want to know?"

"She told Joel - and you do owe Joel by the way, especially for keeping it from the rest of Major Crimes - that she -"

"Jim?"

"You tell him, Simon."

"You're the hero, Ellison."

"You're the Captain, Captain."

"Somebody tell me!"

"She said - and I quote Joel directly, Sandburg - I may be getting older, but I still have the body of a 29-year-old -"

"I don't see..."

"And... I keep it in the cooler."

"Oh. My. God... that is dead creepy... and I am still toast when I get back, aren't I?"

"Birthday cake, actually."

"Gee... thanks, Jim."

"You could even say iced..."

- the end -

(Inspired by the immortal words of Spike Milligan... "I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.")