Title: Doubt
Author: Obi the Kid ()
Rating: G
Summary: Pre-TPM time-frame. (T'narr and Jaythen story) Jaythen has doubts about continuing his training as a Jedi.
Disclaimer: I make no money playing in the Star Wars world that Lucas created. It's all for fun. The names of T'narr and Jaythen however belong to me.
~*~
The gray-haired healer stopped before allowing his presence known. He'd located the pair he'd come to find. They were standing on the overlook balcony in close proximity to each other. It was difficult to hear them, but he listened intently from his hidden distance. The boy was troubled, that was easy enough to see from body language alone. But as much as he worried about the child, the healer knew this was not his place to intrude. Only the master could be the one to guide his young student through the doubts that had come to plague him recently.
"Did meditation help you, Padawan?"
"I'm not sure, Master."Jaythen Talari said fiddling with his left hand, partially limp after suffering severe nerve damage not long ago. "I- I don't think so. I'm still so unsure. I don't know the right thing to do. What would you have me do, Master?"
"Ultimately the decision must be your own, Jaythen. It is not right or wrong. But it has to be correct for you." The intense gray eyes of Jedi Master T'narr Kresson were shadowed under his long black hair. The tribal paintings reaching up from his neck, caressing just below his chin gave him a slightly intimidating presence. Looks were deceiving however as he struggled to direct his nine year old padawan.
"I don't want to leave you, Master. But I don't know if being a Jedi is what I am meant for. I used to think it was. But so many things have happened. I never expected such a difficult path."
"Is it too hard for you, this path?"
"No, Master. Just…confusing. Sometimes I feel that the force is leading me away from its influence. Sometimes I think that being a Jedi is the reason I've had so much pain in my life."
"No life is free of obstacles, Jaythen. No life is free of pain."
"I know, and I'm not complaining, Master. I just don't know what to think or do."
"Would you like my feelings on the matter?" There was obvious emotion behind T'narr's words, the hidden healer noted, but things needed to be said. If Jaythen were to give up his training, he needed to know how his teacher felt, so that the boy's decision could be complete and honest.
Jaythen nodded in response to the question. He was almost desperate to hear his master's words, wishing more than anything for him to talk him out of leaving. To get him away from these doubts that had been haunting him in recent weeks.
"You and I have been together as master and apprentice for almost a year. You are still very young. But you have grown so much in this short time. I never wanted the life my parents had, the life of marriage and raising a family, running a village, commanding a tribe. I had not the desire for children who would depend on me day in and day out. Nor did I have the desire for anyone to intrude into my world, my privacy. It's why I worked alone for so many years, and have friends that I consider important to me. Then you happened. And I began to realize how bare my life had become. I discovered that I needed more than what I thought I already had in terms of contentment and happiness. You forced me to crave companionship in a way that I'd never felt before."
A pause and the Jedi quelled his rising emotions so that he could be completely open with the boy.
"I love you, Jaythen, as any father would love a son. As any parent would love a child. I would be…distraught if you left the Jedi - if you left me. But you have to make that decision. You cannot be a Jedi if your heart is not there. It makes an already dangerous job even more so. For my own selfishness, I do not wish you to go. You and I are a team and I was hoping we'd be so for many years to come.
"Master…" Jaythen eyes watered over. His face became tight and his old habit of chewing on his bottom lip resurfaced. The healer, still hidden, smiled lightly.
T'narr knelt in front of his apprentice, cupping his hands around the young face. "I hope those are tears of happiness and not of sadness." Painted thumbs pushed the droplets away as the master took a deep breath, closed his eyes and opened his mind – his thoughts – to his learner.
Jaythen stood completely still and did the same. His ability to read into another mind and digest honest thoughts and feelings had grown in power these last months. He could read his teacher easily when shields were dropped. Every word that T'narr had said out loud had been true. Nothing had been hidden. Nothing unsaid. His master loved him with as much dedication and emotion as he would a member of his own family. It meant that Jaythen had found that family, that connection that he'd craved all his life. The death of his parents when he was two had set him on a mission of longing, to be loved by someone who could fill that parental role. Now he had finally found what he sought. Could he really walk away now that he'd found what he so yearned for?
"I know you can feel what I'm thinking, Jaythen. I need you, Padawan. I would never lie about that. But I cannot be selfish where your well being is concerned. If you are not happy as a Jedi, you will not be a Jedi." Dropping his hands from the boy's face, T'narr stood and walked to the balcony - vast and bustling city humming below.
Moments later, Jaythen stood next to him, putting his right hand on the top railing and pulling himself up to stand on his toes as he tried to see the spectacular view beyond. "It's beautiful, isn't it, Master?"
"It is."
"I would miss this if I left the Jedi. The lights. The sounds. I would miss all the different worlds we would visit. All the animals I would see. I would miss Dex's paka roast special. But most of all, I would miss you, Master."
Coming down off his toes and taking a few steps to his right, Jaythen threw his right arm around T'narr and hugged him as tightly as he could. His face buried in the large brown robe. His words muffled but clear enough.
"I love you, Master. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave the Jedi."
T'narr said not a word. The boy he held to him could feel everything he felt; could hear everything he thought, even his own fears at the idea of Jaythen leaving his training behind. He couldn't bear the thought of losing this one that had become so important to him.
"I won't leave you, Master. I promise." Jaythen pushed away and looked up into the kind eyes of his teacher. "I still have doubts though. Will you help me work on those?"
A rust colored hand ran through the dark spiky hair and rested on the small shoulder. "I will. I will always help you, Jaythen."
"I'm glad you're my master. I'm glad all of those other Jedi looked past me. Even though it hurt when they did, it was for a reason."
"I suppose we didn't know we were looking for each other until we found each other."
T'narr smiled as Jaythen did. The boy's elation at finding what he'd sought all his life was contagious. The healer nodded to himself and knew there was no doubt that this pairing was right.
"Master?"
"Yes?"
"I'm hungry. Can we go to Dex's?"
"We can."
"I have to go to my therapy session first for my arm though, right?"
"Well, maybe just this once we'll call in sick to therapy. We need you and me time right now. One session won't make or break anything."
"Do you think the healers will believe that we're sick?"
"Probably not. Terran will most likely send out spies to check on us, but it doesn't matter." T'narr made a quick call to the healer's comlink and left a message that they would not be attending the scheduled therapy, as they were feeling slighly under the weather. "There, that's done. Come, Padawan. We'll grab a lift on public transport so we're less likely to be spotted." A sneaky grin slunk across the big man's face.
Jaythen giggled and said in a mocking tone, "Master!"
"Yes?"
"Shouldn't we sneak out the back way then?" he whispered.
"Ah, you know that way out of the temple? Interesting. I didn't know you young ones knew about that. Good idea. Hurry now, I can sense those Terran spies already."
The pair scooted down the halls and around the corner, cleverly evading the spies they pretended to see.
When Terran finally did show himself, it was only in time to see their backsides disappear in the distance, as laughter echoed through the halls.
The healer could only smile at the scene he'd just been privy to. And the laughter they shared as they vanished around a far corner only served to solidify what he'd known all along. Doubt's aside, these two needed each other more than they ever could have imagined.
END