e-mail: Lady_Une_87@yahoo.com
website: http://www.gundamania.itgo.com
Authors note: *Running from the japanese lawyers* aaaaah!! for the last time
i DONT own gundam wing!! *pant* aaaaahhh... plaease don't sue meeeee! You'd
only be wasting money in court fees and lawyers. *pant* I don't own ANYTHING
because my parents are VERY cheap. and *dodges grenade* aaaaahhh!!!
~Lady Khushrenada: muahahahahaaaaa!
Duo: oh god, what now....
Trieze: this can't possibly be more humiliating than her last fic.
~Lady Khushrenada: be afraid, be very afraid...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!!!
Mandy-chan: We represent the lolipop guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuild.
~Lady Khushrenada: NOT YET! Anyway, uh, i don't have a catchy title for this so
let's just jump right in, shall we...
ONce upon a time there was an enormous tornado in uh...space (hey I"M the author
here, and if I say there's a tornado in space, then DAMNIT there's a tornado in
space!) and space fortress Barge was like sucked in or whatever. It landed in a
strange land...
Lady Une: *walks out of the space fortress* what the hell...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!! Do you have integrity or are you WEAK
~Lady Khushrenada: *weilding a cattle prod* i don't think those are your lines,
Wufei...
WuFei: mumbles: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Lady Une: again i say, WHAT THE HELL?
Duo: *pops out of nowhere* you just killed Relena, the evil witch of the Skank
kingdom! HORAY!!!!
Lady Une: Funny, i thought i missed when i tried to shoot her.
WuFei: Stupid woman, he means just now, space fortress Barge just LANDED on her.
Everyone looks at where Barge just landed, and sure enough, Relena's smelly feet
are sticking out from under the wreckage, and she's wearing-
WuFei: -the combat boots of justice!!!!
Duo: oh...kay...*brightens* But you killed her! Horay!!!
Lady Une: riiiiight. the question is, would Mr. Treize approve of this...
A bunch of munchkins (Quatre, Heero, Tubarov, and Duke Dermail ) pop out
from nowhere.
Heero: horay! you've completed my mission for me. The evil tyranous, DITZY witch of
the Sank Kingdom has been destroyed. Never again will she opress the munchkins
of our nation!. this is a time for celebration and...
Duo: BEER!!!
Tubarov: WE represent the lolipop guild
Duke Dermail: the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild
*both together* we represent, the lollipop guiiiiiiiiilllld!!!!
Tubarov: and we'd like to welcome you to munchkin land!
Duo: *loudly* I represent the BEER guild!!!!! Woo hoooo!
Lady Une: wonderful, but how do i go about gettting out of munchkin land? I'm supposed
to be commanding oz's space force and all that, so if you'd just direct me to
the nearest space shuttle....
WuFei: YOu need to go see the wizard of oz and uh... stuff... But first, you'll need the
combat boots of justice!!
The combat boots of justice disappear from Relena's feet, (which curl up under Barge) and
then materialize on Lady Une's feet.
Lady Une: dude, they smell!
Duo: Here. odor eaters.
Tubarov: now, just follow the roadkill strewn highway
Duke Dermail: and watch out for the evil witch!
Lady Une: didn't i just destroy the evil witch?
WuFei: Stupid woman. that was RELENA, the evil witch of the SANK KINGDOM. Dorothy, the evil
witch of,...where is she from again? aaah, yes, the evil eyebrow witch. Dorothy the
evil eyebrow witch lives and must be defeated, for she has no integrity and is
unworthy of fighting Nataku!
Duo: yeah, what he said. just take the roadkill-strewn highway.
Quatre: follow the roadkill-strewn highway!
Duke Dermail: follow the roadkill-strewn highway!
Heero: follw the roadkill-strewn highway!
WuFei: and don't let the combat boots of justice fall into the hands of the evil eyebrow witch.
Lady Une bolts down the roadkill-strewn highway in an effort to get as far away from the crackhead
munchkins as possible.
Lady Une: what were those guys SMOKING? well, i must admit that these 'combat boots of justice are
far more comfortable than the damn heels i was wearing. If i ever meet up with the mysogynist
that created pumps i shall be forced to destroy him!
Zechs, the funky scarecrow: Whoever put me up here will be defeated!
Lady Une: ANOTHER crackhead? Hi there...
Zechs: Get me off this fence so i can have revenge on the people of earth, er i mean Dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch.
Lady Une: *fires a few rounds at the fence, reducing it to a pile of splinters* are you going to see
the wizard of OZ too? *blows a plume of smoke off the end of her gun*
Zechs: Yes. He and i are no longer friends and he must be DEFEATED to empower the colonies...i mean
give me a brain.
Lady Une: i'm confused.
Zechs: Me too, because i have no brain.
Lady Une: *shrugs* whatever.
But then Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch appears!
Dorothy: eeeeeeeeheheheheheheeeee!!! The combat boots of justice will be mine!!! But first i shall use
my eyebrows of death to set that other guy on fire, just because i'm evil and i can!!!
Fireballs shoot from the eyebrows of death and Zechs catches on fire and starts rolling on the ground
while shouting random obscenities at the top of his lungs.
Dorothy: EEEEEEEEeeeheheheheheheeeeee!
Zechs: you stupid @$$ *@*%)(@#$#*@*@#(#$)@_@!!!!!!!!
Lady Une: aaaah! you're evil...and i'm stuck in crackhead land...aaaahhh! and His excelency would not
approve of this!!!!
Dorothy: EEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Lady Une: will both of you please shut up?
Zechs: *#(@*&#($(@*!! i won't shut up i'm on ^()(*& FIRE!!!!
In an attempt to get him to shut up, Lady Une starts randomly stepping on Zechs, which put out the fire.
Zechs: why the hell are you stepping on me?
Dorothy: Yeah! i was enjoying watching him suffer. you're no fun *hmph!*
Lady Une: i just saved your butt. this proves the true potential of the combat boots of justice.
Dorothy: EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!
Zechs and Lady Une: SHUT UP!!!!
Dorothy: Make no mistake i shall have the combat boots of justice...just not right now, i must go feed
my army of flying monkeys and such. YOu killed miss relena and i will have my revenge!!! YOU
HAVENT HEARD THE LAST OF ME!!! eeeeeheheheheheeee!
Dorothy dissapears into a cloud of smoke, which strangely enough, smells like a really ripe fart.
Zechs: DUDE! who cut one?
Lady Une: he who smelt it dealt it!
Zechs: let's go see the wizard.
Lady Une: ok.
~Lady Khushrenada: So the two of them continue down the roadkill-strewn highway until they come
to a grove of pizza trees. (hey, i'm the author and this is MY fic and I wanted pizza to grow on
trees, so there!)
Zechs: oooh pizza trees...Wait a minute, what the hell? since when did pizza grow on trees?
~Lady Khushrenada: *holds up cattle prod* don't make me have to repeat myself. *gives him the look of death*
Zechs: ok...all powerful author girl. Yummy! lets eat pizza from the pizza trees!
Lady Une: yes, i do love pizza...hey what's that over there? *points at something deeper in the pizza tree
grove.
So Zechs and Lady Une walk deeper into the grove of pizza trees and find...
Noin the aluminum foil woman: PIZZA!!! give me PIZZA!!!
Lady Une: does the insanity never end?
Zechs: nope. something's telling me we should give her pizza.
Lady Une: *shrugs* ok.
so they give her pizza.
Pizza tree: what the *&(@#!!!!
Lady Une: o_O
Zechs: O_o
Pizza tree: that's my damn pizza you idiots!
Lady Une: in situations like this i think it best that we ignore him...
Noin: thanks for the pizza. I was just too lazy to get up and get some myslef
as for the pizza trees, they're all egotistical, self-centered
annoying...
Pizza tree: you wanna take this outside??!!!
Lady Une: maybe we should go...
Zechs: yes. aluminum foil woman: would you like to come with us to defeat
Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and the wizard of oz?
Noin: *shurgs* ok, i don't really have anything better to do. *grabs a few
pieces of pizza from a nearby pizza tree and hands it to Zechs and
lady une*
Pizza tree: damn you *^()&^%$(#*$(^#(@)!@!!!!!!!
Zechs: thanks for the pizza.
Lady Une: yes, thanks. Well, what are we waiting for, let's go!
And the 3 ppl proceded down the roadkill strewn highway until they find
themsleves in the middle of deep dark woods...on a dark and stormy night.
Noin: i can't help but notice your shoes...uh, they kinda...smell.
Lady Une: *bitch slaps noin* I'll have you know that these are the combat
boots of justice!
Noin: OWWWWWWwww!
Zechs: i sense a catfight coming on...
NOin: do you want a peice of me?!?!?!... hey wait a minute, we're in the
middle of the woods on a dark and stormy night.
Lady Une: hey, come to think of it, you're right...OH MY GOD...
Zechs and Noin: What!?!?!?!?
Lady Une: we could run into...Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
Zechs: Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
Noin: Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
enter Trowa, the uh...silent ardvark.
Trowa the silent ardvark: ....
Lady Une, Zechs, Noin: ?????
Trowa: ....uh...roar?
~Lady Khushrenada: ardvarks don't roar...do they?
Trowa: grr. i would expect the author of the fic to know this sort of thing.
~Lady Khushrenada: you're supposed to be Trowa the SILENT ardvark.
Trowa: damn you....
Lady Une: aaaaaah!!! it's an ardvark!!!... wait a minute, an ARDVARK???
Trowa: yes. i have no name, but if you must call me something, call me Trowa
the silent ardvark. Would you guys by any chance be willing to help
me defend the colonies from....i mean defend crackhead land from
Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and her army of flying monkeys?
Noin: we weren't planning on getting involved in that conflict at the moment,
we're on our way to go see the wizard of oz. Maybe he'll help us defeat
the flying monkeys.
Trowa:.....cool. can i come?
Lady Une: *shrugs* 'k.
And they continue through the woods until they are met by a bunch of unfriendly
flying monkeys.
Duo the flying monkey: Muahahahahahaaaaa! we are the flying monkeys!!
Heero the flying monkey: yes. give us your wallets, or we will have to destroy
you. we must fufill our mission.
Quatre the flying monkey: you guys, we shouldn't be doing this, it isn't right!
Duke Dermail the flying monkey: you're right, we weren't supposed to steal their
wallets, we were supposed to get the combat boots of justice!
Lady Une: i seem to have forgotten my wallet...and i'm afraid you can't have the
combat boots of justice.
Noin: yeah!
Zechs: our mission was to defend the combat boots of justice from dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch and her flying monkey minions!
Trowa: now that you've seen me, i cannot let you live. anyone who sees the silent
ardvark will not live to tell of it. * lunges and starts dry humping Quatre
the flying monkey*
Lady Une: uh...i'm not even going to ask. besides, i thought you guys were munchkins
in the begining.
Tubarov the flying monkey: *growls* we're underpaid disgruntled extras. we play all the
background parts. now give me the boots!!!!
Lady Une: MAKE ME!!! *sticks out her tounge*
Duo: this is turning out to be harder than i thought. i was under the impression she'd
just, 'ya know, give 'em to us.
Heero: very well. our mission was to destroy you, and destroy you we shall! Muahahahahaaa!
Quatre: *pushes Trowa off him* YOu guys, we really shouldn't be fighting! it's not in our
contracts, look! *pulls out a stack of papers labeled 'flying monkey contract' and
starts leafing through it* See, look. we legally have the right to wuss out and
leave.
Tubarov: hey, he's right...and we're extremely underpaid, look at our contracts, she's not
even paying us half of what we're supposed to earn!
Duke Dermail: I vote we form a union and go on strike until that witch raises our pay!
Duo: Yeah! the League of Flying Primate Employees is on strike!!!
Heero: *sad puppy face* but...but...what about our mission!
Quatre: forget the mission! we're being exploited by our employer!
Duo: law-suit! law-Suit!
Tubarov: WE're on strike!
All the flying monkeys except for Heero fly off to unionize and consult their attorney.
Zechs: Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch will have a hell of a time doing battle with the
union, especially if they have connections to the mob, and most unions do.
Noin: at least that means she's not our problem anymore.
Heero: Hardly! i'm still here and i WILL complete my mission! *pulls a gun out of his spandex*
enter WuFei the justice fairy.
WuFei: stop calling me 'justice fairy" weak woman!!! INJUSTICE!!!!
Lady Une: Look, it's WuFei the justice fairy!
WuFei: weak women like you should not be doing battle with flying monkeys because you are
WEAK and you have no integrity.
Heero: WuFei the justice fairy is WEAK and i shall defeat him, for that is my mission.
WuFei: you want a peice of me, spandex boy???
Heero and WuFei start a fistfight.
Trowa: strategically speaking, it would be best for us to leave while the flying monkey is
distracted.
Zechs: yes, i agree.
Noin: but the justice fairy is getting his ass kicked! we can't just leave him!
Lady Une: as meaningless as that battle is, it does serve a purpose. Althoutgh it is of no
significance to the people of crackhead land or anywhere else, it shows the people
how pointless war really is...
Zechs: put a sock in it, lets go!
and the group continues down the roadkill strewn highway until the road ends and then contines
on the other side of a feild of golf balls.
Lady Une: ooh, look at that pretty feild of golf balls!
Trowa: yes, we'll have to walk through it to continue our journey...but wait, isn't that....
Noin: CRACKHEAD CITY!!!!!!
Zechs: yay.
So the four decide to frolick and play in the feild of small white golf balls, while meanwhile,
at the fortress-castle-headquarters (in a hollowed out volcano) of the evil eyebrow witch, evil
is afoot!
Dorothy: eeeeeeheheheheeee! i'll have them yet!
*feirce knocking at the door*
Dorothy: not now damnit!!!! i'm trying to cast a spell here! where was i...oh yes,
aaaahhhh....golf baaallls. * gazes into her crystal ball at the feild of golf balls
where they are gathered. * I'll use my evil power to make it rain golf balls and
knock them unconscious...eeeeehehehee-
*more knocking at the door*
Dorothy: SHUT UP!!!! as i was saying. sleeeeeeep, my pretties, sleeeeeeep..ehehehehee.
*knock knock knock*
Dorothy: all right, all right, i'm coming! *opens the door*
Flying monkeys (except heero) *waving picket signs* NO! NO! we won't go! we won't work another
day, unless you're gonna raise our pay!...
the flying monkey's attorney: Are you Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch?
Dorothy: no, i'm doctor evil. of COURSE i'm dorothy the evil eyebrow witch.
THe attorney: aaah, good. the volcano lair threw me off. anyway, the Leage of Flying Primate
Employees demands to renegotiate their contract.
Dorothy: o_O
meanwhile, in the feild of golf balls...
Lady Une: hey, it's raining golf balls!
Zechs: you're right...but that must mean...
Noin: aaaah! we're standing in the middle of a driving range!
All: aaaaaah!!!!
One by one they're hit on the head with golf balls and pass out. until
WuFei the justice fairy appears from nowhere.
WuFei: WEAKLINGS! this is UNJUST!!!! I hate golf. I shall make it rain, so all the golfers
can leave and these UNJUST WEAKLINGS can continue their journey!
so he makes it rain, and they all regain consciousness.
WuFei: and by the way, you're welcome for defeating that flying monkey.
Lady Une: thank you, WuFei. Now we must continue our journey into crackhead city!
the others: yay!!!
and they continue down the last few yards of the roadkill strewn highway until they get to
the gates of crackhead city.
Lady Une: we've made it to the gates of the city.
Trowa: duh. the question now is, now what?
Zechs: good question.
a small window opens at the top of the door and out comes...
Quatre: welcome to crackhead city!!!!
Trowa: hey, wait a minute, i thought you were a flying monkey.
Quatre: that was just a part-time thing, the pay is awful, besides, we're
on strike.
Zechs: that's all well and good, but we urgently need to defeat...er, i mean
see the wizard.
Quatre: *starts leafing through a clipboard* the wizard seems kind of booked
today, but he might be able to squeeze you guys in if he's had a cancellation.
You guys can come in and hang out in the city though.
and they all go into the city and are greeted by the munchkins/flying monkeys/underpaid
extras, except for...
Zechs: where's that other extra? the one that was fighting the justice fairy.
Duo: Heero sleeps with the fishes. aside from his run in with the justice fairy,
he also went against the union, workin' as a scab. we don't like scabs.
My cousin, Veto, he took care of Heero.
Quatre: we don't have to sing or anything do we?
~Lady Khushrenada: you're munchkins in this scene, what do you think?
Duke Dermail: damnit.
Tubarov: whadda we have to sing?
~Lady Khushrenada: i don't care, just sing something, you're munchkins.
Duo: I did it all for the nookie!
Quatre: YEAH!
Duo: the nookie! so you can take that cookie, and stick it up your
other munchkins: yeah!!!!
Duo: stick it up your...
munchkins: YEAH!!
~Lady Khushrenada: normally i'd get the cattle prod, but i'm a Limp Bizkit
fan so i'll let this slide...
Quatre: anyway, i guess you guys can just roam the city until you can get an
appointment with the wizard.
they are all down with this and split up to explore the city for awhile. until
Quatre: hey! Trowa and i just went to check the wizard's schedule, and he was
supposed to have a meeting with the evil witch of the sank kingdom, but
she's dead, so i guess she won't be coming. Which means you guys can see
the wizard as soon as possible!!
Lady Une: wonderful. now if only we can find Zechs and Noin...
after about 15 minutes they're all assembled outside the wizard's office.
Lady Une: so where were you guys?
Zechs and Noin answer at the same time:
Zechs: the movies
Noin: the supermarket
both: *sheepishly* motel six.
Trowa: say no more. can we see the wizard now?
Quatre: yeah.
everyone: cool beans!
and they all walk into the wizzard's office and are met by
a giant flaming head which is floating in midair.
giant flaming head: muahahahahaaaa! i am Treize, the almighty
wizard of oz!!
Noin: holy crap, it's a fiant flaming head!!!!
Lady Une: don't mind her. you were saying?
Treize, the giant flaming head: aaah, yes, i am treize the
almighty giant flaming head...er, i mean wizard of oz.
and i mean flaming in a manly way. anyway,
I will grant you all one wish, under one condition;
you must defeat my evil cousin, dorothy the evil eyebrow
witch.
Trowa: ok.
Noin: ok, mr. giant floating flaming STRAIGHT head, sir.
Lady Une: we're down with that.
Treize: excelent. BEGONE!!!!
and so the four main charachters head off for Dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch's hollowed out volcano castle lair thingy. Meanwhile,
she's awaiting their arrival...well, not really, oh hell...
*fade in on dorothy's volcano castle lair*
Lawyer: I'm sorry but the flying monkeys refuse to return to work
unless they are given medical and dental benefits, 401-k,
and a 5% pay raise.
Dorothy: This is ludicrous! since when does an army of flying monkeys
form a union.
Lawyer: a union with connections to organized crime, ma'm. you'd better
not piss them off.
Dorothy: i'll give them 3% and medical but that's as far as i'll go.
Lawyer: i'll have to discuss this with my clients. i'll give you a call
as soon as they come up with a reasonable deal.
Dorothy: eheheheheeeee! Begone, legal scum! I have to prepare to fight the
good guys now.
*gazes into her crystal ball*
eheheheheeee! they're coming, but they'll never penetrate my
volcano-castle lair of doom...oh crap. I don't have my flying
monkeys to protect my lair of doom...I've got it!!! Mobile
dolls and the zero system!!!!!
eeeeeeheheheheeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Meanwhile, in the woods somewhere outside the volcano castle lair of doom...
Flying monkey picket line: no! no! we won't go! no! no! we won't go!
Quatre: meat is murder! save the whales!
Duo: Quatre, what the hell are you doing! this is a League of Flying Primate
employees march, not PETA, you idiot.
Quatre: oh, sorry. but we should save the whales...
in the woods the four main charachters are watching the flying monkey picket
line
Zechs: well if they're picketing, we shouldn't have a hard time infultrating
the volcano castle lair of doom.
Trowa: he's right, lets go.
Lady Une: question: how are we supposed to defeat her, anyway?
Everyone else:.........
Zechs: hmmm. lets just bust in and then make it up as we go.
Noin: sounds like a plan.
Lady Une: we could ask the flying monkey faction to help us as well, hell hath
no fury like disgruntled union workers.
Everyone else: YEAH!!!
and so they all go down to talk to the flying monkey union and their attorney.
Lady Une: Flying monkeys: it is time for us to all push our differences aside
to defeat a common enemy: dorothy the eyebrow witch!!!!
Flying monkeys: YEAH!!!!!
Quatre: no! we shouldn't resort to violence, we should settle this in court
with a big civil suit!
Duke Dermail: he does have a point, we could just sue her ass for a ton of money,
and then we wouldn't have to lift a finger.
Lawyer: actually, she left all her assets to 'the flying monkey army' in her will,
so if you killed her you'd inherit the money anyway...
Quatre: thus saving us thousands of dollars in legal fees! you're fired!
Lawyer: *mumbles* shoulda kept my mouth shut.
Zechs: well, what are we just standing here for. ATTACK!!!!
and the flying monkeys, and all the other ppl storm the volcano castle lair of death
or whatever.
Duo: hey, wait a minute, how DO we kill her anyway?
Zechs: i thought the flying monkeys were supposed to know this sort of thing!
Trowa: we could just have a giant lynch mob beat the crap out of her.
Noin: *shrugs* works for me.
and they all dive on top of dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and proceed to try
beating her to a pulp.
Dorothy: eeeeheheheheeee! you'll never defeat me! nobody knows where my true
power lies! eeeeeheheheeeee!
It is then that Lady Une starts ripping out her eyebrows.
Lady Une: Why...won't...you...DIE...b&^%$!!!!!!!
Dorothy: aaaaaaaaahhh!!!! i'm mmmmmeeeeeeeeeelting, meeeeeeeelting!!! you've
defeated me!!!
Monkeys: yaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!
Zechs: mission...complete.
and so the flying monkeys and the others go back to crackhead city to tell the
wizard of their victory.
Treize: welcome back. i trust that you've defeated the evil eyebrow witch?
Lady Une: yes, mr. treize, and the flying monkeys helped. victory would not
have been possible without them. do they get wishes too?
Treize: of course. now, tell me, what are your wishes?
Zechs: i want a brain.
Noin: World Peace!
Trowa: a million dollars...no, wait, a BILLION dollars.
flying monkeys: we wanna retire early to a tropical island paridiase.
Treize: consider it done. *hands trowa one of those big cardboard 'prize patrol'
checks, and gives the flying monkeys social security checks and the deed
to a house in florida* Lady, what is your wish?
Lady Une: i want to go back to the real world and help defeat, uh, whoever we're
trying to defeat this week...or, wait, nevermind, i want to help achieve
total pacifism, wait, i'll help defeat...
Treize: as you wish, i think there's a gundam parked behind the office.
WuFei the justice fairy appears
WuFei: WEAKLING! Women should not be piloting gundams, that would be unjust! All
you have to do is click the heels of the combat boots of justice together
three times while saying...damnit, i broke a nail!
Lady Une: damnit, i broke a nail, damnit, i broke a nail, damnit i broke...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!!! i actually broke a nail. anyway, you were supposed to say
'there's no place like home'
so she does, and wakes up in some hospital somewhere.
Lady Une: i'm not even going to ask...
Doctor guy: holy crap! you're awake! you got shot and were in a coma for several
months!
Lady Une: ahh. Wonderful. now if you'll excuse me, i have a gundam to steal...
~end~
website: http://www.gundamania.itgo.com
Authors note: *Running from the japanese lawyers* aaaaah!! for the last time
i DONT own gundam wing!! *pant* aaaaahhh... plaease don't sue meeeee! You'd
only be wasting money in court fees and lawyers. *pant* I don't own ANYTHING
because my parents are VERY cheap. and *dodges grenade* aaaaahhh!!!
~Lady Khushrenada: muahahahahaaaaa!
Duo: oh god, what now....
Trieze: this can't possibly be more humiliating than her last fic.
~Lady Khushrenada: be afraid, be very afraid...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!!!
Mandy-chan: We represent the lolipop guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuild.
~Lady Khushrenada: NOT YET! Anyway, uh, i don't have a catchy title for this so
let's just jump right in, shall we...
ONce upon a time there was an enormous tornado in uh...space (hey I"M the author
here, and if I say there's a tornado in space, then DAMNIT there's a tornado in
space!) and space fortress Barge was like sucked in or whatever. It landed in a
strange land...
Lady Une: *walks out of the space fortress* what the hell...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!! Do you have integrity or are you WEAK
~Lady Khushrenada: *weilding a cattle prod* i don't think those are your lines,
Wufei...
WuFei: mumbles: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Lady Une: again i say, WHAT THE HELL?
Duo: *pops out of nowhere* you just killed Relena, the evil witch of the Skank
kingdom! HORAY!!!!
Lady Une: Funny, i thought i missed when i tried to shoot her.
WuFei: Stupid woman, he means just now, space fortress Barge just LANDED on her.
Everyone looks at where Barge just landed, and sure enough, Relena's smelly feet
are sticking out from under the wreckage, and she's wearing-
WuFei: -the combat boots of justice!!!!
Duo: oh...kay...*brightens* But you killed her! Horay!!!
Lady Une: riiiiight. the question is, would Mr. Treize approve of this...
A bunch of munchkins (Quatre, Heero, Tubarov, and Duke Dermail ) pop out
from nowhere.
Heero: horay! you've completed my mission for me. The evil tyranous, DITZY witch of
the Sank Kingdom has been destroyed. Never again will she opress the munchkins
of our nation!. this is a time for celebration and...
Duo: BEER!!!
Tubarov: WE represent the lolipop guild
Duke Dermail: the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild
*both together* we represent, the lollipop guiiiiiiiiilllld!!!!
Tubarov: and we'd like to welcome you to munchkin land!
Duo: *loudly* I represent the BEER guild!!!!! Woo hoooo!
Lady Une: wonderful, but how do i go about gettting out of munchkin land? I'm supposed
to be commanding oz's space force and all that, so if you'd just direct me to
the nearest space shuttle....
WuFei: YOu need to go see the wizard of oz and uh... stuff... But first, you'll need the
combat boots of justice!!
The combat boots of justice disappear from Relena's feet, (which curl up under Barge) and
then materialize on Lady Une's feet.
Lady Une: dude, they smell!
Duo: Here. odor eaters.
Tubarov: now, just follow the roadkill strewn highway
Duke Dermail: and watch out for the evil witch!
Lady Une: didn't i just destroy the evil witch?
WuFei: Stupid woman. that was RELENA, the evil witch of the SANK KINGDOM. Dorothy, the evil
witch of,...where is she from again? aaah, yes, the evil eyebrow witch. Dorothy the
evil eyebrow witch lives and must be defeated, for she has no integrity and is
unworthy of fighting Nataku!
Duo: yeah, what he said. just take the roadkill-strewn highway.
Quatre: follow the roadkill-strewn highway!
Duke Dermail: follow the roadkill-strewn highway!
Heero: follw the roadkill-strewn highway!
WuFei: and don't let the combat boots of justice fall into the hands of the evil eyebrow witch.
Lady Une bolts down the roadkill-strewn highway in an effort to get as far away from the crackhead
munchkins as possible.
Lady Une: what were those guys SMOKING? well, i must admit that these 'combat boots of justice are
far more comfortable than the damn heels i was wearing. If i ever meet up with the mysogynist
that created pumps i shall be forced to destroy him!
Zechs, the funky scarecrow: Whoever put me up here will be defeated!
Lady Une: ANOTHER crackhead? Hi there...
Zechs: Get me off this fence so i can have revenge on the people of earth, er i mean Dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch.
Lady Une: *fires a few rounds at the fence, reducing it to a pile of splinters* are you going to see
the wizard of OZ too? *blows a plume of smoke off the end of her gun*
Zechs: Yes. He and i are no longer friends and he must be DEFEATED to empower the colonies...i mean
give me a brain.
Lady Une: i'm confused.
Zechs: Me too, because i have no brain.
Lady Une: *shrugs* whatever.
But then Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch appears!
Dorothy: eeeeeeeeheheheheheheeeee!!! The combat boots of justice will be mine!!! But first i shall use
my eyebrows of death to set that other guy on fire, just because i'm evil and i can!!!
Fireballs shoot from the eyebrows of death and Zechs catches on fire and starts rolling on the ground
while shouting random obscenities at the top of his lungs.
Dorothy: EEEEEEEEeeeheheheheheheeeeee!
Zechs: you stupid @$$ *@*%)(@#$#*@*@#(#$)@_@!!!!!!!!
Lady Une: aaaah! you're evil...and i'm stuck in crackhead land...aaaahhh! and His excelency would not
approve of this!!!!
Dorothy: EEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Lady Une: will both of you please shut up?
Zechs: *#(@*&#($(@*!! i won't shut up i'm on ^()(*& FIRE!!!!
In an attempt to get him to shut up, Lady Une starts randomly stepping on Zechs, which put out the fire.
Zechs: why the hell are you stepping on me?
Dorothy: Yeah! i was enjoying watching him suffer. you're no fun *hmph!*
Lady Une: i just saved your butt. this proves the true potential of the combat boots of justice.
Dorothy: EEEEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!
Zechs and Lady Une: SHUT UP!!!!
Dorothy: Make no mistake i shall have the combat boots of justice...just not right now, i must go feed
my army of flying monkeys and such. YOu killed miss relena and i will have my revenge!!! YOU
HAVENT HEARD THE LAST OF ME!!! eeeeeheheheheheeee!
Dorothy dissapears into a cloud of smoke, which strangely enough, smells like a really ripe fart.
Zechs: DUDE! who cut one?
Lady Une: he who smelt it dealt it!
Zechs: let's go see the wizard.
Lady Une: ok.
~Lady Khushrenada: So the two of them continue down the roadkill-strewn highway until they come
to a grove of pizza trees. (hey, i'm the author and this is MY fic and I wanted pizza to grow on
trees, so there!)
Zechs: oooh pizza trees...Wait a minute, what the hell? since when did pizza grow on trees?
~Lady Khushrenada: *holds up cattle prod* don't make me have to repeat myself. *gives him the look of death*
Zechs: ok...all powerful author girl. Yummy! lets eat pizza from the pizza trees!
Lady Une: yes, i do love pizza...hey what's that over there? *points at something deeper in the pizza tree
grove.
So Zechs and Lady Une walk deeper into the grove of pizza trees and find...
Noin the aluminum foil woman: PIZZA!!! give me PIZZA!!!
Lady Une: does the insanity never end?
Zechs: nope. something's telling me we should give her pizza.
Lady Une: *shrugs* ok.
so they give her pizza.
Pizza tree: what the *&(@#!!!!
Lady Une: o_O
Zechs: O_o
Pizza tree: that's my damn pizza you idiots!
Lady Une: in situations like this i think it best that we ignore him...
Noin: thanks for the pizza. I was just too lazy to get up and get some myslef
as for the pizza trees, they're all egotistical, self-centered
annoying...
Pizza tree: you wanna take this outside??!!!
Lady Une: maybe we should go...
Zechs: yes. aluminum foil woman: would you like to come with us to defeat
Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and the wizard of oz?
Noin: *shurgs* ok, i don't really have anything better to do. *grabs a few
pieces of pizza from a nearby pizza tree and hands it to Zechs and
lady une*
Pizza tree: damn you *^()&^%$(#*$(^#(@)!@!!!!!!!
Zechs: thanks for the pizza.
Lady Une: yes, thanks. Well, what are we waiting for, let's go!
And the 3 ppl proceded down the roadkill strewn highway until they find
themsleves in the middle of deep dark woods...on a dark and stormy night.
Noin: i can't help but notice your shoes...uh, they kinda...smell.
Lady Une: *bitch slaps noin* I'll have you know that these are the combat
boots of justice!
Noin: OWWWWWWwww!
Zechs: i sense a catfight coming on...
NOin: do you want a peice of me?!?!?!... hey wait a minute, we're in the
middle of the woods on a dark and stormy night.
Lady Une: hey, come to think of it, you're right...OH MY GOD...
Zechs and Noin: What!?!?!?!?
Lady Une: we could run into...Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
Zechs: Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
Noin: Ardvarks, and bunnies, and squirrels, oh crap!
enter Trowa, the uh...silent ardvark.
Trowa the silent ardvark: ....
Lady Une, Zechs, Noin: ?????
Trowa: ....uh...roar?
~Lady Khushrenada: ardvarks don't roar...do they?
Trowa: grr. i would expect the author of the fic to know this sort of thing.
~Lady Khushrenada: you're supposed to be Trowa the SILENT ardvark.
Trowa: damn you....
Lady Une: aaaaaah!!! it's an ardvark!!!... wait a minute, an ARDVARK???
Trowa: yes. i have no name, but if you must call me something, call me Trowa
the silent ardvark. Would you guys by any chance be willing to help
me defend the colonies from....i mean defend crackhead land from
Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and her army of flying monkeys?
Noin: we weren't planning on getting involved in that conflict at the moment,
we're on our way to go see the wizard of oz. Maybe he'll help us defeat
the flying monkeys.
Trowa:.....cool. can i come?
Lady Une: *shrugs* 'k.
And they continue through the woods until they are met by a bunch of unfriendly
flying monkeys.
Duo the flying monkey: Muahahahahahaaaaa! we are the flying monkeys!!
Heero the flying monkey: yes. give us your wallets, or we will have to destroy
you. we must fufill our mission.
Quatre the flying monkey: you guys, we shouldn't be doing this, it isn't right!
Duke Dermail the flying monkey: you're right, we weren't supposed to steal their
wallets, we were supposed to get the combat boots of justice!
Lady Une: i seem to have forgotten my wallet...and i'm afraid you can't have the
combat boots of justice.
Noin: yeah!
Zechs: our mission was to defend the combat boots of justice from dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch and her flying monkey minions!
Trowa: now that you've seen me, i cannot let you live. anyone who sees the silent
ardvark will not live to tell of it. * lunges and starts dry humping Quatre
the flying monkey*
Lady Une: uh...i'm not even going to ask. besides, i thought you guys were munchkins
in the begining.
Tubarov the flying monkey: *growls* we're underpaid disgruntled extras. we play all the
background parts. now give me the boots!!!!
Lady Une: MAKE ME!!! *sticks out her tounge*
Duo: this is turning out to be harder than i thought. i was under the impression she'd
just, 'ya know, give 'em to us.
Heero: very well. our mission was to destroy you, and destroy you we shall! Muahahahahaaa!
Quatre: *pushes Trowa off him* YOu guys, we really shouldn't be fighting! it's not in our
contracts, look! *pulls out a stack of papers labeled 'flying monkey contract' and
starts leafing through it* See, look. we legally have the right to wuss out and
leave.
Tubarov: hey, he's right...and we're extremely underpaid, look at our contracts, she's not
even paying us half of what we're supposed to earn!
Duke Dermail: I vote we form a union and go on strike until that witch raises our pay!
Duo: Yeah! the League of Flying Primate Employees is on strike!!!
Heero: *sad puppy face* but...but...what about our mission!
Quatre: forget the mission! we're being exploited by our employer!
Duo: law-suit! law-Suit!
Tubarov: WE're on strike!
All the flying monkeys except for Heero fly off to unionize and consult their attorney.
Zechs: Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch will have a hell of a time doing battle with the
union, especially if they have connections to the mob, and most unions do.
Noin: at least that means she's not our problem anymore.
Heero: Hardly! i'm still here and i WILL complete my mission! *pulls a gun out of his spandex*
enter WuFei the justice fairy.
WuFei: stop calling me 'justice fairy" weak woman!!! INJUSTICE!!!!
Lady Une: Look, it's WuFei the justice fairy!
WuFei: weak women like you should not be doing battle with flying monkeys because you are
WEAK and you have no integrity.
Heero: WuFei the justice fairy is WEAK and i shall defeat him, for that is my mission.
WuFei: you want a peice of me, spandex boy???
Heero and WuFei start a fistfight.
Trowa: strategically speaking, it would be best for us to leave while the flying monkey is
distracted.
Zechs: yes, i agree.
Noin: but the justice fairy is getting his ass kicked! we can't just leave him!
Lady Une: as meaningless as that battle is, it does serve a purpose. Althoutgh it is of no
significance to the people of crackhead land or anywhere else, it shows the people
how pointless war really is...
Zechs: put a sock in it, lets go!
and the group continues down the roadkill strewn highway until the road ends and then contines
on the other side of a feild of golf balls.
Lady Une: ooh, look at that pretty feild of golf balls!
Trowa: yes, we'll have to walk through it to continue our journey...but wait, isn't that....
Noin: CRACKHEAD CITY!!!!!!
Zechs: yay.
So the four decide to frolick and play in the feild of small white golf balls, while meanwhile,
at the fortress-castle-headquarters (in a hollowed out volcano) of the evil eyebrow witch, evil
is afoot!
Dorothy: eeeeeeheheheheeee! i'll have them yet!
*feirce knocking at the door*
Dorothy: not now damnit!!!! i'm trying to cast a spell here! where was i...oh yes,
aaaahhhh....golf baaallls. * gazes into her crystal ball at the feild of golf balls
where they are gathered. * I'll use my evil power to make it rain golf balls and
knock them unconscious...eeeeehehehee-
*more knocking at the door*
Dorothy: SHUT UP!!!! as i was saying. sleeeeeeep, my pretties, sleeeeeeep..ehehehehee.
*knock knock knock*
Dorothy: all right, all right, i'm coming! *opens the door*
Flying monkeys (except heero) *waving picket signs* NO! NO! we won't go! we won't work another
day, unless you're gonna raise our pay!...
the flying monkey's attorney: Are you Dorothy the evil eyebrow witch?
Dorothy: no, i'm doctor evil. of COURSE i'm dorothy the evil eyebrow witch.
THe attorney: aaah, good. the volcano lair threw me off. anyway, the Leage of Flying Primate
Employees demands to renegotiate their contract.
Dorothy: o_O
meanwhile, in the feild of golf balls...
Lady Une: hey, it's raining golf balls!
Zechs: you're right...but that must mean...
Noin: aaaah! we're standing in the middle of a driving range!
All: aaaaaah!!!!
One by one they're hit on the head with golf balls and pass out. until
WuFei the justice fairy appears from nowhere.
WuFei: WEAKLINGS! this is UNJUST!!!! I hate golf. I shall make it rain, so all the golfers
can leave and these UNJUST WEAKLINGS can continue their journey!
so he makes it rain, and they all regain consciousness.
WuFei: and by the way, you're welcome for defeating that flying monkey.
Lady Une: thank you, WuFei. Now we must continue our journey into crackhead city!
the others: yay!!!
and they continue down the last few yards of the roadkill strewn highway until they get to
the gates of crackhead city.
Lady Une: we've made it to the gates of the city.
Trowa: duh. the question now is, now what?
Zechs: good question.
a small window opens at the top of the door and out comes...
Quatre: welcome to crackhead city!!!!
Trowa: hey, wait a minute, i thought you were a flying monkey.
Quatre: that was just a part-time thing, the pay is awful, besides, we're
on strike.
Zechs: that's all well and good, but we urgently need to defeat...er, i mean
see the wizard.
Quatre: *starts leafing through a clipboard* the wizard seems kind of booked
today, but he might be able to squeeze you guys in if he's had a cancellation.
You guys can come in and hang out in the city though.
and they all go into the city and are greeted by the munchkins/flying monkeys/underpaid
extras, except for...
Zechs: where's that other extra? the one that was fighting the justice fairy.
Duo: Heero sleeps with the fishes. aside from his run in with the justice fairy,
he also went against the union, workin' as a scab. we don't like scabs.
My cousin, Veto, he took care of Heero.
Quatre: we don't have to sing or anything do we?
~Lady Khushrenada: you're munchkins in this scene, what do you think?
Duke Dermail: damnit.
Tubarov: whadda we have to sing?
~Lady Khushrenada: i don't care, just sing something, you're munchkins.
Duo: I did it all for the nookie!
Quatre: YEAH!
Duo: the nookie! so you can take that cookie, and stick it up your
other munchkins: yeah!!!!
Duo: stick it up your...
munchkins: YEAH!!
~Lady Khushrenada: normally i'd get the cattle prod, but i'm a Limp Bizkit
fan so i'll let this slide...
Quatre: anyway, i guess you guys can just roam the city until you can get an
appointment with the wizard.
they are all down with this and split up to explore the city for awhile. until
Quatre: hey! Trowa and i just went to check the wizard's schedule, and he was
supposed to have a meeting with the evil witch of the sank kingdom, but
she's dead, so i guess she won't be coming. Which means you guys can see
the wizard as soon as possible!!
Lady Une: wonderful. now if only we can find Zechs and Noin...
after about 15 minutes they're all assembled outside the wizard's office.
Lady Une: so where were you guys?
Zechs and Noin answer at the same time:
Zechs: the movies
Noin: the supermarket
both: *sheepishly* motel six.
Trowa: say no more. can we see the wizard now?
Quatre: yeah.
everyone: cool beans!
and they all walk into the wizzard's office and are met by
a giant flaming head which is floating in midair.
giant flaming head: muahahahahaaaa! i am Treize, the almighty
wizard of oz!!
Noin: holy crap, it's a fiant flaming head!!!!
Lady Une: don't mind her. you were saying?
Treize, the giant flaming head: aaah, yes, i am treize the
almighty giant flaming head...er, i mean wizard of oz.
and i mean flaming in a manly way. anyway,
I will grant you all one wish, under one condition;
you must defeat my evil cousin, dorothy the evil eyebrow
witch.
Trowa: ok.
Noin: ok, mr. giant floating flaming STRAIGHT head, sir.
Lady Une: we're down with that.
Treize: excelent. BEGONE!!!!
and so the four main charachters head off for Dorothy the evil
eyebrow witch's hollowed out volcano castle lair thingy. Meanwhile,
she's awaiting their arrival...well, not really, oh hell...
*fade in on dorothy's volcano castle lair*
Lawyer: I'm sorry but the flying monkeys refuse to return to work
unless they are given medical and dental benefits, 401-k,
and a 5% pay raise.
Dorothy: This is ludicrous! since when does an army of flying monkeys
form a union.
Lawyer: a union with connections to organized crime, ma'm. you'd better
not piss them off.
Dorothy: i'll give them 3% and medical but that's as far as i'll go.
Lawyer: i'll have to discuss this with my clients. i'll give you a call
as soon as they come up with a reasonable deal.
Dorothy: eheheheheeeee! Begone, legal scum! I have to prepare to fight the
good guys now.
*gazes into her crystal ball*
eheheheheeee! they're coming, but they'll never penetrate my
volcano-castle lair of doom...oh crap. I don't have my flying
monkeys to protect my lair of doom...I've got it!!! Mobile
dolls and the zero system!!!!!
eeeeeeheheheheeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Meanwhile, in the woods somewhere outside the volcano castle lair of doom...
Flying monkey picket line: no! no! we won't go! no! no! we won't go!
Quatre: meat is murder! save the whales!
Duo: Quatre, what the hell are you doing! this is a League of Flying Primate
employees march, not PETA, you idiot.
Quatre: oh, sorry. but we should save the whales...
in the woods the four main charachters are watching the flying monkey picket
line
Zechs: well if they're picketing, we shouldn't have a hard time infultrating
the volcano castle lair of doom.
Trowa: he's right, lets go.
Lady Une: question: how are we supposed to defeat her, anyway?
Everyone else:.........
Zechs: hmmm. lets just bust in and then make it up as we go.
Noin: sounds like a plan.
Lady Une: we could ask the flying monkey faction to help us as well, hell hath
no fury like disgruntled union workers.
Everyone else: YEAH!!!
and so they all go down to talk to the flying monkey union and their attorney.
Lady Une: Flying monkeys: it is time for us to all push our differences aside
to defeat a common enemy: dorothy the eyebrow witch!!!!
Flying monkeys: YEAH!!!!!
Quatre: no! we shouldn't resort to violence, we should settle this in court
with a big civil suit!
Duke Dermail: he does have a point, we could just sue her ass for a ton of money,
and then we wouldn't have to lift a finger.
Lawyer: actually, she left all her assets to 'the flying monkey army' in her will,
so if you killed her you'd inherit the money anyway...
Quatre: thus saving us thousands of dollars in legal fees! you're fired!
Lawyer: *mumbles* shoulda kept my mouth shut.
Zechs: well, what are we just standing here for. ATTACK!!!!
and the flying monkeys, and all the other ppl storm the volcano castle lair of death
or whatever.
Duo: hey, wait a minute, how DO we kill her anyway?
Zechs: i thought the flying monkeys were supposed to know this sort of thing!
Trowa: we could just have a giant lynch mob beat the crap out of her.
Noin: *shrugs* works for me.
and they all dive on top of dorothy the evil eyebrow witch and proceed to try
beating her to a pulp.
Dorothy: eeeeheheheheeee! you'll never defeat me! nobody knows where my true
power lies! eeeeeheheheeeee!
It is then that Lady Une starts ripping out her eyebrows.
Lady Une: Why...won't...you...DIE...b&^%$!!!!!!!
Dorothy: aaaaaaaaahhh!!!! i'm mmmmmeeeeeeeeeelting, meeeeeeeelting!!! you've
defeated me!!!
Monkeys: yaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!
Zechs: mission...complete.
and so the flying monkeys and the others go back to crackhead city to tell the
wizard of their victory.
Treize: welcome back. i trust that you've defeated the evil eyebrow witch?
Lady Une: yes, mr. treize, and the flying monkeys helped. victory would not
have been possible without them. do they get wishes too?
Treize: of course. now, tell me, what are your wishes?
Zechs: i want a brain.
Noin: World Peace!
Trowa: a million dollars...no, wait, a BILLION dollars.
flying monkeys: we wanna retire early to a tropical island paridiase.
Treize: consider it done. *hands trowa one of those big cardboard 'prize patrol'
checks, and gives the flying monkeys social security checks and the deed
to a house in florida* Lady, what is your wish?
Lady Une: i want to go back to the real world and help defeat, uh, whoever we're
trying to defeat this week...or, wait, nevermind, i want to help achieve
total pacifism, wait, i'll help defeat...
Treize: as you wish, i think there's a gundam parked behind the office.
WuFei the justice fairy appears
WuFei: WEAKLING! Women should not be piloting gundams, that would be unjust! All
you have to do is click the heels of the combat boots of justice together
three times while saying...damnit, i broke a nail!
Lady Une: damnit, i broke a nail, damnit, i broke a nail, damnit i broke...
WuFei: INJUSTICE!!!! i actually broke a nail. anyway, you were supposed to say
'there's no place like home'
so she does, and wakes up in some hospital somewhere.
Lady Une: i'm not even going to ask...
Doctor guy: holy crap! you're awake! you got shot and were in a coma for several
months!
Lady Une: ahh. Wonderful. now if you'll excuse me, i have a gundam to steal...
~end~