Author's Note: This was one of a number of challenge fics that I did with a friend. Requirements were the word of the day on dictionary dot com, a song of your choice, and other requirements chosen differently for each story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable from Harry Potter. I don't own Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Word: 'expiate'
Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
Other Requirements: A large building, someone on the roof of the building, "frogs are better than cake", and someone obsessed with food.
Genre: Parody/Humor
Rating: G
The Hot Summer Day and the Story That Went Completely Wrong
It was summer. A very hot summer. So much that Harry was beginning to wish that the sun would expiate its heat. It was growing hotter and hotter everyday. It was very difficult to believe that it was still only the middle of July, the way that the sun kept shining overhead. It's yellow rays shown down mercilessly, shriveling the lawns and the trees. People were beginning to yearn for the rain. But the sun just kept shining, making England hotter and hotter, and no rain came. The muggle government said that people were not to water their lawns and use as little water as possible, but the wizarding community was not so inconvenienced. The only thing that bothered the wizarding community was the heat. They simply could not go outside without feeling like they were thrown into a clay oven. Air conditioners and fans worked overtime in muggle homes, and in wizarding homes, cooling charms and spells were used quite often, and even some underage wizards and witches used them secretly to escape the heat. But the sun did not appear to care in the least. Harry, just having ended his fourth year at Hogwarts, was supposed to be hiding under a window, but due to the heat, was fanning himself with his hand, thinking of how terrible it was that he could not use magic to cool himself. However, he could not fan himself for long, for fear that someone would spot the movement. So he sat there, sweating in buckets, just wishing that the sun would stop-
"Okay, okay, we get the point!" shouted Harry from under the window. "Would you just get on with the story? It really is hot, and I'm tired of just standing here!"
He was, in fact, lying down under a window, but we shall ignore that lapse of reason on his part, as he is the hero of the wizarding world, after all, and-
"Okay!" Harry shouted with a glare. "Just get on with the stupid story, will you?"
So, anyway, Harry was lying under the window. He was, in fact, trying to listen to the news, since his evil, selfish aunt and uncle, who were his obvious arch nemeses-
"They aren't my arch nemeses!" Harry interrupted again. "That would be Voldemort!"
There was a sudden pop, and the Authoress appeared beside him, glaring and tapping her foot in annoyance.
"Listen," she growled. "I'm writing this story, okay? You just have to do as I say! Just follow the script, and stop interrupting!"
"I don't have a script," retorted Harry with an angry glare that was not very menacing on account of the sweat running down his nose.
"Look—I control this world. With a snap of my fingers, I can do all sorts of things. For example…" She snapped her fingers, and the houses on the other side of the road were suddenly squashed by a very large building. A skyscraper, in fact. She snapped her fingers again, and Hermione and Ron, Harry's best friends, appeared on the top of the building. Then-
"What?" the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Mess-Up-His-Own-Story interrupted yet again, with a hand over his eyes. "I don't see anyone on top of that building."
"That's because it's too high," said the authoress in exasperation, snapping her fingers again. Hermione and Ron instantly appeared in front of her. "You were on the roof of that building, right?" she asked, pointing at the skyscraper across the street. Hermione and Ron stared at it in bewilderment.
"Well…" started Hermione, always the smartest of the trio. "We were at Number 12, Grimmauld Place, but-"
"You can't say that!" said the panicking Authoress, waving her arms frantically. "The readers don't know about that yet! And you're supposed to be the smart one?" The three friends stared at the Authoress, backing away as though she had something contagious. The Authoress sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Harry's just finished his fourth year in my story. You can't talk about that sort of stuff! Now, I think we'll try another scene, now that this skyscraper"-she glared at Harry-"has ruined the one that I originally planned on."
"You made it!" Harry said, gaping at the Authoress' utter stupidity.
"I'm not stupid!" screamed the Authoress, stamping her foot.
"I never said you were," Harry said in surprise. The Authoress was shaking, and accidentally snapped her fingers (let us set aside the bewildering action of someone snapping their fingers without even realizing that one is doing so). As she was not consciously deciding what to control, a huge mountain of food appeared behind her—and she still failed to notice.
"Your expression implied it!" the Authoress screamed, advancing angrily on Harry, who was hastily backing away. Neither noticed Ron's eyes go wide for a moment before he threw himself at the mountain of food and began to munch. Or perhaps 'gobble' would be the right word, there. No: 'stuff his mouth as half-chewed food spilled out, due to the fact that he was stuffing in much more than could actually fit' would be a little more accurate. Anyhow, it was gruesome, but Hermione was the only one who managed to notice.
"Well, I don't know what expression I'm supposed to have, since I don't have a script!" Harry argued back. The Authoress sighed and snapped her fingers, and a very, very, very large book appeared in Harry's hands that was so heavy that it instantly brought him crashing to the ground. Hermione appeared to forget about Ron, still stuffing his face gruesomely, and rushed over to look at the overly large 'script'.
Harry, who was not very bookish, joined Hermione, and the two of them enthusiastically poured over the giant book.
"Look at this, it has everything about everything we've ever done!" Hermione said in awe. "I wonder…" She quickly flipped to the end. "Harry!" she exclaimed, extremely excited—but, it seemed, she was not at all happy. "Look at this! I'm supposed to end up with Ron!" She looked over at him, to find him stuffing a frog into his mouth. "Ron! No! That's not a chocolate frog!" But it was too late. He had swallowed. It was, perhaps, less gruesome to think of, since he was not chewing. Hermione grimaced.
"What?" asked Ron, swallowing a giant mouthful of something or another. "Frogs are better than cake. Well, unless it's frog cake." Harry, Hermione, and the Authoress (who had been waving her arms in distress at the huge spoiler) stared at him in disgust. After a few moments, Hermione turned to Harry.
"I can't believe that I'm supposed to end up with him." Her face gave away her total disgust.
"But then is there someone that you'd like to end up with?" Harry asked curiously.
"Oh, yes," Hermione said enthusiastically. "Severus Snape." She spoke with a dreamy look and glazed eyes, and Harry choked.
"What?" he sputtered, but could get out no more. After a few minutes of sputtering speechlessly, he finally appeared to collect his wits.
"But he killed Dumbledore!!" Harry exclaimed. Ignoring the Authoress' screech of protest at yet another spoiler (and the greatest possible one, at that), Hermione flipped back to a previous page.
"No, no, no! It was all a trick, see?" she said happily, showing Harry. "He was innocent! And he expiates his past wrongs!"
"You don't have to use that word again, you know," Harry told her. "She"-he pointed at the sobbing Authoress, who was pounding the ground in despair-"used it in the beginning." Hermione, however, did not appear to hear him.
"And look! Voldemort kills you! But then Severus kills Voldemort while he was basking in his triumph!"
"What?" exclaimed Harry, grabbing the script. "Let me see that!" He read furiously, and then his eyes widened. "But that's only because Snape had another Horcrux…the locket…and we didn't know…we thought it'd been destroyed…" His eyes suddenly lit up. "Hey! I can use this to find out where and what all the Horcruxes are, and I never have to die in the first place!!" He and Hermione began to enthusiastically pour over the script. After a few minutes of furious reading, they quickly got up and ran off to get the first Horcrux, which was a small marble located at Voldemort's residence (they had learned from the script that Voldemort had gone overseas on that very day to participate in the International Evilest Wizard Contest), dragging the still-munching Ron along behind them, because apparently, he was to play a very important part.
The Authoress was left behind, staring desolately at the shriveling grass on which she sat. In her sorrow, she began to sing:
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known…