**This is my first Fanfiction ever. Reviews are much appreciated as it lets me know how I am doing, what I can do to improve my writing, and if you are enjoying this story!**
Chapter one: Broken
He sat there, peering out over the lakes of Avalon, in complete and utter silence. His gaze was glazed over with tears, but his body no longer shook with the heavy sobs that had left him only a few hours previously. He could no longer see the boat, it had disappeared into the mists, bringing his best friend along with it.. or rather, the body of the person who had been his best friend.
Kilgarrah had left long ago, leaving the young warlock to mourn in peace. And now, there was silence. A deafening and overwhelming silence, that threatened to swallow up his entire being. It had begun to rain some minutes ago, perhaps fifteen, or maybe it had been twenty. The mists over the lake remained all the same, not even the rain could wash them away. Just like his tears couldn't wash away Arthur's death.
It must've been several hours now, but he did not feel like moving an inch. He simply didn't wish to leave this place. Not yet. The travel back to Camelot would take so long on foot, and he was tired. Tired to the point where most men would've collapsed into a pile on the ground and drifted off to sleep, but he was not most men. He would rest and mourn the loss of his friend in peace, watching over his resting place for as long as he felt that he needed to. Surely they were anxious in Camelot, to know the fate of their king. Was he alive, or had he passed away? Right now, he couldn't bear to take the first step of the journey that would only result in heartbreak and grief.
The sun began to set, and he had yet to move an inch after sending Arthur away from the shore. He couldn't travel back in the night, but now he had to gather his strength, atleast enough to collect firewood and create a campfire. He shuddered as he moved onto his feet, his clothing soaked and cold from the rain that had only recently ceased to fall from the skies. He couldn't remember feeling this cold in a long time, not since the Dorocha had struck him in the night so many moons ago.
Tiredly, he moved through the woods, collecting twigs and branches and gathering them into his arms. His mind was void of any thoughts, his body almost moving on it's own accord as Merlin found himself feeling nothing but emptiness. It was welcomed, this empty feeling that now occupied the place where grief had been only moments before. It was nessecary, he need to function long enough so that he would not freeze to death in the night.
He returned to the lake with arms full of firewood, and he proceeded to create a campfire. The mutter of a word and a flash of gold later, and the wet wood was burning, spewing smoke into the skies above him. At the edge of the campfire he sat down, blankly staring into the dancing flames as tears welled up in his eyes once more, and grief returned to claim it's rightful place within him.
And he cried, and it felt like hours passed before he drifted off to sleep, way to tired to remain awake, dried tears smeared across his cheeks.
He found no peace in his sleep, his dreams being ravaged by nightmares, far more cruel and dark than the events of the past few days. He tossed and turned, and awoke with a scream, his brow soaked with sweat, and his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. The contents of the nightmares eluded him, but he feared them none the less.
The sun would likely rise in half an hour, if he was not mistaken. He rose to his feet, rubbing the remainder of sleep out of his eyes as he moved himself closer to the lake of Avalon, peering out into the mists again.
"You're my best friend, Arthur. I am going to miss you more than you will ever know. You probably can't even hear me. I wish you were here, and I wish I didn't have to tell everyone that you passed away, but I must.. If Kilgarrah is right, then we will meet again. Please, don't take to long, Arthur."
He shifted away from the lake, kicking some mud onto the smoking remains of the campfire before he begun the long walk back to Camelot. For each step he took away from Avalon, the deeper his heart sunk in his chest. He was walking away from his best friend, he did not know when he would see him next, if he'd ever see him again. Each step away from the lake was a step closer to Camelot. The place where he'd find his friends, people who'd look at him with expectant eyes, only to realize that Arthur was not with him. He'd have to look all of them in the eye and tell them that he had failed. That he hadn't been able to save Arthur, that he hadn't been able to save their king, and their friend.
Five or six days it would take, if he didn't happen to stumble upon their horses on the way back. It was unlikely, and he didn't know if he wanted to get there any faster even if he did find them. He needed these days of solitude, even if his mind was eating away at him with 'what if's' and thoughts of guilt and blame. Maybe they wouldn't blame him for being inadequate? He nearly hoped that they would. It would make it easier for him to hate himself for not being able to save Arthur.
What would Gwen say? She'd cry, that much was certain. She would most likely never be the same. Would she want him there with her? Or, maybe she'd send him back to Ealdor, his services no longer needed. No, they were friends, atleast for the time being. He wasn't so sure if they'd still be friends after she learned of his failure. He had always brought Arthur back to her, always. But this time he had failed. And what about the knights?..
He shook his head lightly, coming to a halt on the road. These were selfish thoughts. He was thinking of how they'd treat him, if he would still be welcomed, and if he'd still have friends upon his return. He needed to focus on them, on their wellbeing, making sure they wouldn't hate themselves the same way he hated himself right now. He would put himself and his own insecurities last, to make sure his friends would pull through this without breaking. He'd have to become their rock, if he needed to. He needed to be there for them to fall back on should they falter, or slip along the way. This however, did not change how he felt deep within his heart.
The rest of walk back to Camelot almost seemed to be a bit easier after this, though he never did stumble upon those horses.
He came to a halt as he set his gaze upon the castle in the distance. It wouldn't be long before he'd arrive at it's gates. Surely the guards would alert the others about his arrival, and likely before he'd ever have chance to set foot into the castle, Guinevere and the others would be upon him. He'd be bombarded with questions, or, there would be none. The fact that Arthur was not with him would likely be more than enough for them to understand what had happened. He simply didn't know what would happen when he returned. Only time would tell.
His feet carried him through the lower town, past the first set of guards. And surely enough, someone was sent off to send word to the Queen. He could feel a knot forming in his abdomen for each step he took from that point on, for each step that brought him closer to the castle. He paused briefly, taking a moment to gather himself before carrying on, his breath trembling as he released it, as if he was cold.
He rounded the corner and arrived in the courtyard, and surely enough, Gwen and the knights were waiting for him, all of them except Gwaine. It would be unlike him, but he wouldn't blame him.
His gaze briefly met Gwen's, before it dropped down towards the ground, his fists clenching. "I.. I am so s-sorry.. I f-failed" he stuttered forth, his composure leaving him as he found tears threatening to press forth from his eyes.
"I.. I c-couldn't get there.. f-fast enough.. I.. I'm so sorry" he pressed on, his nails digging into the palms of his hands.
It felt like forever as he stood there. 'Did they all leave?' was the question that echoed through his mind, but he didn't dare look up. The question was soon pushed aside, a warm embrace pulling him back to reality and away from the darkness of his own mind. He heard sobbing, distant, as well as sobs originating from the person who held him tightly in their arms. At some point during his apology his eyes had closed, and upon opening them he found himself in the comforting embrace of Guinevere. His gaze trailed off, and before he managed to stop himself, he broke down completely, his plans of being their rock shattering right then and there.
His legs gave in, and before he knew he found himself on his knees, clutching at Guinevere's dress. "I'm so sorry, Gwen.. I should've done more.. But there was nothing I could do.. I.. I tried everything.. I let you all down.. I failed!" he let out inbetween sobs, each sob heavier than the one that came before it.
Guinevere lowered herself down after Merlin as he fell to his knees, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He had been alone for so long after his passing. She had still had hope of his return, and people around her to ease her mind. Merlin had no such things. She cried, her heart ached and her body was full of grief, not only at the loss of Arthur, but at the knowledge that Merlin had to go through all that on his own. And as he cried, she too would cry. She wished to speak words of comfort, but the words were stuck in her throat, drowned by the tears. They would speak later, but for now, she found comfort in sharing tears with one of her closest friends. Words weren't needed. They knew eachothers pain.