These characters don't belong to me, and I'm just a poor, mediocre fanfic writer! Please nobody sue me! If you like this fic, then worship Watsuki-sensai, since he's the genius who made up all these characters and inspired me!
Author's Note: This contains a modified Goodbye Scene. No REAL spoilers, but it's modified because of the story and I don't want to go back and watch it again, since I would have to modify it anyways.
Soft Footsteps
PART 1
I knew the time had come. He was leaving. Of course, he had to, and I knew this. My Kenshin was leaving for Kyoto and I knew that if I didn't tell him how I felt, I never would. If I didn't tell him now, I would likely not have the option to because my Kenshin would either not come home, or return home on a pyre.
But how could I? How could tell him how I felt? How do you describe to someone that when he's not around, your heart aches and your knees quiver til he returns? How can you explain the effect of this...this *drug*...on someone? I want to tell him how my heart skips a beat every time I see him. Or perhaps how, when at night I go to the restroom or check on the dojo, I often peek into his room just to make sure he's still there, and not off battling some fiend from his past.
Maybe, just maybe, if I told him, he would stay. Maybe he would give up his dream of protecting even the smallest turtle and dedicate himself to loving me. He would smile, cup my cheek, and give me that kiss I've been yearning for since I met him.
We'd be able to fend off teasings from Sano and Yahiko. I treat them horribly, I'll admit, but it's all in good fun. Sano is really a nice guy, if not on the headstrong side. Yahiko...well, I certainly don't hate him. I shouldn't treat him as badly, but he usually starts it. I suspect that when he gets a bit older, he'll make a fine friend and person in general. If I had a son with Kenshin, I can imagine him to be *exactly* like Yahiko. Dedicated, brave, and kind. Well, I would hope that my child wouldn't smack me upside the head, but that's besides the point.
As for Kenshin...I don't know when I fell for him, exactly. It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it was that first day, when he rescued me from being killed by the fake hitokiri. Perhaps it was when he first started eating my food, never complaining about how terrible it tasted. As I said, I have no idea when it happened. All I know is that he is a part of my heart.
PART 2
I could hear his soft footsteps as he neared the pond. There's no mistaking him, when he wants to be heard: he drags his heels. He dragged them more now, snagging the soft earth in hope that he can delay what I know is coming.
When he at last reaches me, I can't help but smile sardonically. He sits down next to me, legs tucked under him.
His soft voice touches me like a thousand silken fibers caressing my ears, "You already know what I have to say, Kaoru-dono."
I just nod. It's amazing when you have so much to say you find yourself unable to speak at all.
"I have to leave. There's no way around it. I must take responsibility for *my* successor. I won't allow Shishio Makoto to continue. I *can't* allow him to continue.
I finally look at him. Are those tears in his eyes? No, just reflections of the water in the moonlight..right?
He sighed and his hand went out to touch my hair. I scoot away, out of his grasp. I finally speak. My voice trembles, as it often does, but with sorrow, not anger, "Kenshin?"
"Yes?"
"I...I...I love you." There! I said it! Oh, Kami-sama, I said it.
He blinks with surprise, "Oro?" then he shakes his head, "No..no, Kaoru-dono...you *can't* love me." he silences for a few moments before he speaks again, "Kaoru, I *don't* love you. You can't love me!"
What? No! I will not accept this! "How....how can you not love me?" I stand up suddenly and begin backing away. He follows and pulls me into his arms. If the reason for the embrace wasn't so horrible, I'd be in heaven. I struggled to no avail.
"You don't understand." Kenshin lightly strokes my hair as he hugs me, "I do love you...but not in that way." he pulls back slightly and looks at me, affection filling his eyes, "I...I love you like the little sister I got to know. No more, no less. Kaoru-dono..."
I turn away. I don't want to hear anymore. My heart breaks instantly into a thousand pieces. Those fragments spread to the wind as he leaves me behind and wanders off yet again.
PART 3
Over the past ten years, the thing I remember most are my feet and the sounds they make. Directly after the Bakumatsu, I couldn't hear myself. I made no noise. I slipped through the forests and streets as silent as a skittish deer. It was as if that period of my life had erased all identity, and although *I* didn't realise that until years later, my feet realised it then.
As time progressed, I could hear myself again. That is, when I wasn't paying attention or when I wanted to hear myself. Wandering, I became me again. Not me as in Shinta, me as in the Kenshin who had never killed.
When I came to Kaoru-dono's, I was completely me again. I could hear myself. I could listen to myself speak internally without feeling guilty. I was as whole as a man could be.
Then, I find Kaoru. My imouto. The little girl who brings a smile to my lips and a purpose to my life. And then there's Yahiko. Not really a son, but certainly a close friend. He doesn't realise it yet, but he will turn out well (even if Kaoru-dono has to beat it into him).
It is my duty...no, my *pleasure*...to protect them. The purpose in my reborn life. But how can I protect them if all I do is bring danger upon them? First, Jin-e comes back like a poltergeist and threatens to kill my new life. Then Aoshi and Saitoh nearly kill me (yes, I'm man enough to admit when I'm outdone!).
But it has never been *me* inflicting the damage until now. I have to do what I'm doing. There's no way around it. I left a mess, and I can't just leave it there. If I don't clean it, it will grow and make other innocent people suffer. I can't let that happen. I knew my departure would hurt her, but I never imagined...
How can she love me? I'm certainly not worthy of any love. I have too much left to atone for before I'm worthy of anyone's affection. What I want to know most is how did her tender feelings grow to koi! I didn't want that to happen. Just the thought makes me uncomfortable – it's incestuous.
I wish I did love her like that. Then it would be easier for her. But...no. I can only hope that this separation will clear her eyes and clean her heart.
For now, I'll continue on. I will live another day to fight this beast that I inadvertently created.
Strange...my footsteps are getting softer..and softer...
**Notes**
imouto = little sister
koi = romantic love