Title: Sleepless: Weapons to the Open Door
Authoress: Seer M. Anno
Disclaimer: The characters belong to the incredible Sakuraga Mei. I own nothing but the story.
Rating: R
Pairing: Kuon Aikawa/Nanao Shirahane
Summary: "Little girls can't protect you."
Genre: AU. Angst. Dark!Fic.
Warning: Slash, possible OOCness, Attempted Murder, Depression, Minor Character Death, Implied Non-con, Crossdressing.
A/N: Loosely based on Cold Case 3x16 (One Night) with Nanao as Justin Bradley, Kuon as Valentino, and Satonaka as John Harding. Written for Kuon and Hermina05's birthday, happy belated birthday, you two! Unbeta'd, sorry again. Hope you enjoy!
Sleepless: Weapons to the Open Door
Seer M. Anno
"Why did you do that? Do you know how dangerous that was?"
The questions were greeted with silence, and he couldn't expect anything more. She looked down on him—perks of having a taller companion—and the look unnerved him somehow. Still, he was determined not to back off. He wanted to know this mysterious newcomer. He only lighted his cigarette and offered one to her, hoping that could be a good start.
She declined. "I don't smoke."
That wasn't surprising, but he lifted his eyebrows nonetheless. "I see."
She looked away, at the busy, dark street before them. He, on the contrary, kept staring at her. He wondered why that kind of person wanted to be here.
Talk about yourself.
"Where are you from?" he asked, trying to get rid of his earlier thought.
She didn't react for a while, as if absorbed in her own thoughts and couldn't hear him. It took her around fifteen minutes to reply. "From a box."
It surprised him. He'd expected a prefecture, or a foster house, or from abroad. But not that.
"Is that... is that why you fought?"
She clenched her fists; he could see that. Just like he could see the bruise around her eye and dried blood on her torn lips. "Little girls don't get into the box," she whispered and spoke no more.
Nanao Shirahane likes to watch his sleeping boyfriend. His serene face is something he likes the most, as if nothing is able to come between them. He slowly takes his boyfriend's hand and strokes it. He has to remind himself how much he loves Kuon Aikawa, and how that guy has saved him.
And how Nanao has become his hero, too.
To say that he was surprised was an understatement. A very serious one. He almost rolled out his small, sorry excuse of a sleeping bed when he felt her rough hands on his shoulder.
"Can I sleep here?" She bit her lip. "With you?"
He couldn't help but to nod. "It won't fit," he said truthfully.
She flashed him a smile that had won him over since he first saw it. However, it disappeared as soon as it appeared. "It's okay if you don't want me here." She was silent for a minute. "I just need someone to help me sleep."
"What can I do for you?" he asked, smiling in a very seductive manner. At least he hoped so. He was pretty clueless when it came to her. She was... different. All of them, he was sure, had dark pasts, but she was the only one whose background intrigued him.
She blinked at him, as if hadn't yet realized that he was a hooker—and she was the newcomer—and that they were in an abandoned storage used as their base camp. Whatever. He scooted on his sleeping bag, giving her more space. She slowly filled herself in, and they slept face to face on that shabby sleeping bed on the cold, dirty linoleum floor.
"At least tell me your name."
It was his simplest request, and she knew that.
"Call me Ai." It was her only answer.
He smiled as she slowly, carefully, draped her arms around him like a mom would a child. It was comforting. Who knew how long since his estranged mother had last hugged him?
"With pleasure, Ai."
He fell asleep with a smile.
Nanao Shirahane likes to have sex. That sex part is his blessing and his curse. Even though the 'curse' one is more likely, he can't help but to think about it. He used to be okay with it, but not until he met Kuon.
Still stroking Kuon's hand, he looks out the window; the darkness pushes away his earlier thought. It's almost midnight, if his old watch does its job right. Neither he nor Kuon has any cellphone, so they can't check the time there either.
Well, who cares? It's not like they have somewhere special to go. Okay, they do actually, but not that special.
She always came. Everyday she'd ask for a space and a sleepover, and he would gladly oblige. Ai was his substitute blanket in his cold nights, if he wanted to amuse himself.
"I don't know your name," she said once.
"You never ask."
She lifted her eyebrows and he swore he saw her hiding a smile. She rarely smiled, most probably because her cool and aloof demeanour and he liked it the most. He was determined to make her smile for real.
"What's your name, then?"
"Shiro," he finally replied with a smirk. "Don't laugh."
She didn't. She always took things that seriously. "Is that a pet name?"
He shrugged, amusement totally disappeared. "Something cute to call me in the middle of fucking, yes."
"I see."
"So," he said, changing the topic. He knew they had job tonight but he still didn't want to go to sleep just yet. "You've been here for three weeks. Do you have fun?"
That was a weird question, especially remembering the fact that they were both selling themselves for money. But Shiro was nothing if not peculiar, and it was Ai's time to realize it. No one wanted to get close to him but her, and he trusted her enough.
She did commented about the question, but then she fell silent as she continued to watch little sparks of light from outside. The storage had some cracks on the wall and there was a small gap under the door, the only source of light in the afternoons.
Shiro knew that was why Ai was here. She couldn't stand the dark, so she felt safe with him. Plus one of the dim lamps was above his sleeping bag.
Are you sure that she feels safe with you, and not only because of her fear of the dark?
He was drowned in his uneasy thoughts when she spoke.
"It's not bad, being here."
"No more fights?" he asked, trying to get rid of the earlier thought. "I still remember your first night here."
"He was going to do it in the backseat." She took a deep breath. "I don't like it."
"That's expected, you know," Shiro replied exasperatedly. She could be real naive sometimes. "I reckon you're not a romantic bed with roses kind of person, right?"
Ai spluttered, and that shocked him. There were tints of red on her tan cheeks, and he couldn't help but to smile.
"To be honest, yes. But not from that kind of guy."
"Then what kind of guy?"
She looked at him as if he'd grown an extra head, but said nothing. She slid into the sleeping bag instead as Shiro cursed himself for being a dumbass.
Nanao Shirahane hates thinking about his family the most. But he can't think about anything else anymore this time. He can't sleep as well, and it occurs to him that he still needs to stay put for at least four hours.
Well. Some topics are just unavoidable to think of.
At least he still can remember his siblings' faces, although barely. That's a good thing. He wonders if Kuon can do the same, too.
The first time Shiro saw a furious Ai was when he accidentally found a photo in her skirt. It was the worst quality photo he'd ever seen. He couldn't even see more than three figures in the photo before Ai snatched it from him.
"What are you doing?" Her voice was quiet and deeper in her fury. That unnerved him.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I didn't know."
"Of course you wouldn't." She lied down on the sleeping bag, purposefully taking all the space. "You would never know."
Shiro plopped on the small space near her long legs. "Are you actually underestimating my detective skills?"
He tried to lift the mood, and he made it. She shook her head and let out a small smile, and that was when he decided to make his move. It was one of the rare times that they could joke like that.
He crawled forward and gave her cheek a small peck. That surprised her, for no one was allowed to kiss the hooker, and that he was really bold to initiate such thing. She only eyed him with wide eyes, but he couldn't find any disapproval in them. Only surprise.
Only surprise.
"You've been sleeping here for two months. I expect something in return."
She stared at him for a long time. "I owe you," she said seriously. "I know."
"Tell me," he gingerly prompted. "It's fine to tell someone about whatever is in your mind, you know."
"Right," she replied bitterly and spoke no more, her rough fingers still caressing the photo lovingly.
Nanao Shirahane is a light sleeper, while Kuon Aikawa is not. He is used to screams and sounds of things hitting the floor to keep himself away from a deep slumber. Kuon, on the other hand, after all that happened, can sleep through a hurricane, as long as he can still feel Nanao's body against his.
It was good, because Nanao is more than glad to give what he wants. The train lets out a small, insistent noise that steals sleep away from him, and he's now alone with his thoughts.
Well, the past can be one's best companion sometimes.
This day, a week after their first confrontation about the photo, eerily reminded Shiro of the first day he met Ai. They were both staring at the dark street before them, watching as cars passed occasionally. At first he wanted to offer her a smoke, but then remembered that she didn't do such thing.
So he spoke about something else instead.
"I'm sick of my house."
She turned at him. "What?"
"I wanna tell you something about me," Shiro said. Surprisingly it didn't feel as hard as he thought it would be. Maybe the cigarette helped a lot. "Just listen."
Ai did.
"I remember a house," Shiro started. "It was white, like my name. I used to sleep on the second floor. My parents were rarely there, and I don't care either. I'm used to be alone."
Ai kept looking at the street, but her gesture showed that she was still listening. So Shiro continued.
"Like I said, nobody really cared for me, so I learned to live by myself. I did pretty well in school, but there was this guy..."
He stopped for a while, and he could see Ai taking his hand and gripped it. However, it felt so far away, as if he was watching himself being comforted. He kept on talking, though.
"I liked him, but it backfired when he was actually using me. My family blamed me for all that happened, and I'm sick of it. So I ran."
Silence filled them, and Shiro decided to tell her nothing else. Her own imagination could work for her just fine, judging from the way her firm jaw clenched in anger.
"Don't be like that," Shiro admonished. "I've long forgotten him."
"But that's unforgivable."
"It is," Shiro replied as he softly caressed her hand. "But it's no use to be angry of. It's the past. Besides, I'm here now. Here's much better."
"Do you have... any... any good memories?"
Shiro thought about it for a while. "I went to this beach house once, when I was a kid. White sand, blue sea, sunset, a bonfire. My family didn't fight at all. Really beautiful." The memory hit him, leaving him silent. "I want to go there again."
"I'm sure you do."
"Wanna come with me?"
Ai's breath caught and Shiro could see that. "What?" she asked, incredulous. "It's not my place."
Shiro took a long drag of his cigarette. "Yeah, yeah, just forget it."
Ai looked like wanting to answer that, but a honk of the car stopped her. Both she and Shiro flinched and stared at it. An old man was in the driver seat, signalling on him to come.
"That's for me," Shiro said, shrugging. "See you later?"
Before he had the chance to leave, he felt a rough hand circled around his wrist.
"When you get back," she said in a low whisper, "ask me again."
That surprised him. Unable to speak anymore, he let his hand go and ran towards the car.
Nanao Shirahane likes to think about surprises. No. Maybe 'like' isn't the right word. 'Can't stop to think about surprises' might be more fitting. Especially the latest one that had happened to him.
It feels like yesterday and not two weeks ago when a man, Satonaka—he'll never forget his name—smiled at him and gave him something to drink. Nanao recognized the label and did what was told.
All he can remember afterwards was the rope tying his hands and the extreme coldness. Nanao couldn't imagine what would be done on him.
"You're going to die tonight," Satonaka said, his voice sounded so far away. It still rings in Nanao's ears until now. "Write your last will and testament. Please don't try to run, I won't be held responsible if something gets out of hand."
Nanao remembers being so cold he could barely move. He also remembers being terrified, which is weird. In the hands of cruel clients he'd wished to die, so when he was given the chance to, why not?
But then he remembers the day he met Kuon. It was the best day in his life. His hand shook as he wrote Kuon's name while repeating his unfulfilled promise in the freezing night.
"Is that your friend?"
Shiro looked up from his shaking hands at the direction of the police's voice. She was pointing to her right and he saw Ai running towards them.
It was a new sight for him.
She was no longer wearing a skirt, and instead of a blouse, she was wearing a shirt with a fluffy collared jacket. Her long hair was cut, and Shiro could see that it was cut by herself, judging from the way it spiked messily on the top of her head.
"He was the one who saved you," the policewoman said softly. "He helped us a lot."
Shiro stared at her weirdly. "Ai is a woman," he stated. "You have no right to identify her by the opposite."
The police laughed. "You sound exactly like him. No, no, I don't intend to do such thing. He was the one that told us he wanted to be referred as a male. You can see that he's changed. When we questioned him, he certainly didn't look like that."
Shiro didn't have any time to respond as Ai had finally approached them. The policewoman gave them a small smile before leaving them alone. The stretcher on which Shiro was sitting was pretty far from the police cars, so they were a bit isolated. Nobody could see them.
"You're safe. You're out from the box."
Ai hugged Shiro for a very long time. She hugged him so tight, as if afraid of letting go. For him it was okay. He needed more warmth, after all. The thin blanket he was using wasn't enough. It was another good thing that she was bigger than him. He could lean on her firm chest just fine.
"My brother... he died in a box."
At first he couldn't hear her. "What?"
"It was a common punishment for boys over there."
"From where you came from?" Shiro inquired, finally able to catch up. He let himself go from the embrace. She sat next to him, their hands still entwined. He could feel that she was shaking.
Ai nodded. Her tall figure shook in the memory. With that jacket and jeans, she didn't look as feminine as she used to be. "We weren't supposed to make any mess. He died protecting our little one. They forgot they put him there. Leaving him locked there all night."
"Your little one? Your child?" He couldn't help but to think how absurd, how impossible that was.
"Of course not," she replied in a tone that made Shiro felt stupid. "Where did you get such an idea?"
"It's just the way you implied it. But that's not important. Please continue."
She looked down again and did what was told. "Little girls never got into the box," she muttered, reminding Shiro of their first meeting.
"So that's why—"
"Yes. But those...those scum preyed on little girls. They eyed them with that dirty look on their eyes, used... used it as a punishment. So I ran."
Shiro nodded in understanding. He couldn't really imagine that kind of horror.
"And also... little girls can't protect you."
"What?"
"I...I helped lifting the box. It was really heavy, with you inside. I realized that I should be stronger." She sighed. "I have... I have you to protect."
Shiro wanted to laugh and told him that he could protect himself, but found himself couldn't. Besides, if Ai hadn't helped the police, he'd be dead by now. He clasped her hand tighter and smiled. "I really appreciate that. Thank you."
"You're welcome." She gave him a small nod, her eyes then flew to the box near one of the police cars. "I miss my brother."
"I'm sure he was a very great guy."
"Indeed... indeed he was. And as much as I hate this..." She inhaled deeply, and Shiro swore he could see tears pooled on her eyes, which were now free of the cheap make-up she always used before they went to work. He hated it, for that reminded him of his own past. "I miss my little one too. It... he was actually my little brother, and it was the nickname we gave him when he was born. It took me years to convince myself that he didn't make it happen... that our brother's death was coincidental. That's why I took him with me."
"Away from there."
"Away from there," she repeated. "I didn't know what to do, how to survive... so I left him in the shrine, and here I am."
The same policewoman was walking towards them by the time Ai finished talking. They quieted instantly as they watched her coming closer with a smile on her face.
"Hello, boys," she greeted warmly. Shiro snorted at the false gender calling again, but Ai just nodded. "I'm glad to say that you two can go home now."
"Did you catch the guy?"
The policewoman looked sheepish for once. "We didn't. He turned himself in. He was also responsible for another death in 1980."
Shiro could feel Ai's tremble worsening, and that stopped him from asking more. "Thank you."
"Are you feeling better?" she asked, looking at Shiro. "Do we need to take you back? I know shortcuts back to your place."
"No need." Ai's sudden answer surprised both Shiro and the police. "Let's go, Shiro."
It was the end of their horrific adventure.
What if Nanao didn't live in an unhappy family and didn't run away from there?
What if Kimiko was still alive and not suffering from an extreme mental damage from that car accident? What if Mikado wasn't Kiryu's junior who looked up so much to him he trusted him more than his own brother? What if Kimiko was still playing dress-up with him instead of burning all of her extravagant clothes in one of her fit of uncontrollable rage? What if his parents like him well enough to see that there's more than just a sex-crazed boy in him?
What if— what if—
Nanao stops himself from the thoughts, from his favourite game, when he feels Kuon stirring next to him. He thinks he's awake, but in fact Kuon only moves a bit against Nanao's smaller body before falling back into a deep slumber. It feels as if Kuon is checking whether Nanao's still there or not, even in his subconscious. It makes Nanao smile. Since he met Kuon, Nanao Shirahane thinks about possibilities more often. He plays with the word 'what if' and relates it to Kuon.
What if Kuon doesn't really love him even though he says so?
That is one agonizing thought. Trying to get rid of that last question, he looks out again. He can't see anything but darkness. He's certain that he is the only one awake in this compartment, judging from soft snores from around him. He can't sleep at all and for that he curses mentally. If only the train will stop making that small noise!
That is a silly thought, for the train will stop doing so only when they've arrived, but at least that is one good distraction.
"What's that, Shiro?"
"These? Tickets, obviously."
Ai took it from him. "Are you going away?"
"Are you?"
"What do you mean?"
"There are two tickets. What do you think?"
She eyed him as if he had gone crazy. "Are you even sure?"
"Look, Ai." Shiro didn't even look at her as he packed his clothes into a small bag. "I can't stand this place anymore, especially after what happened with that crazy client. Besides, when I'm sick of something, I run away from it."
"You shouldn't do that often."
He took a deep breath. "You ran too, in case you forget."
Ai's jaw clenched in anger, but before Shiro could say anything she shook her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"We have our own pasts, Ai," Shiro said, his tone surprisingly soft. "That's why we end up here. Our pasts."
"All of us." Ai gestured to the others, who were mostly sleeping from the tiring night before. Her hands gripped her small bag as if wanting to pack her clothes just like Shiro did. "Are you sure about this?"
"You know, Ai, this is the boldest thing I've done in my entire life," Shiro rebutted, daring himself to give a peck on Ai's cheek. "Of course I'm not. Now, please pack your clothes."
Ai rolled her eyes and opened her bag. Shiro saw her pulling out her usual skirt; that reminded him of many things in the past. "You know... I used to have one of those."
"What? This?" Ai held the skirt nearer to their faces. Shiro took it, feeling the smooth garment in his hands. It was rougher than he used to wear, but still a skirt nonetheless.
"Yeah. I used to love playing dress-up. Aneki thought I was beautiful, even though I'm not."
"You are."
"Huh?"
Ai looked at him straight in the face and declared, "You're beautiful, Shiro." She looked so serious and genuine it made him smile.
"Thank you?" He looked down, suddenly embarrassed. "If only that guy thought the same. But that's not important. Are you coming or—"
Ai's lips covered his own so suddenly it made him almost jump. "You're beautiful."
Shiro's smile widened. "Thank you, Ai, so are you."
"I plan to leave it behind."
"What?"
"These." With that, she pulled out her female clothes and make-up before putting it under the sleeping bag. "I always think being a... a little girl is better. That... that way I won't get into the box like the boys. I never touched anyone sexually and I thought it was better than the box. Anything is better than the box."
"But you have me to protect."
"Just like when I ran away. I had my little one to protect. When I came here, you fussed over me and I knew you would protect me. And you did."
Shiro smiled a sad smile. "I just become your friend, that's all."
"You don't kiss your friends like that."
He blushed at her remark, but she continued as if she didn't see it. "You made me happy, you know," she said seriously. "But then that happened. I wasn't there. You protected me from my fears of the dark and small places and I wasn't there to save you."
"But you helped the police. You lifted the box."
She swallowed, her Adam's apple bobbed in her nervousness. "That was when I realized that being a little girl won't protect you. She can't stop you from being in the box. My brother died protecting our little one, and he was strong. He was the best."
"I can imagine that. So that's why you're going to leave these here?"
Ai nodded. "It's best to make a new start."
Shiro couldn't help but to smirk. "Another start, you mean," he joked. "Does that mean you're coming, Ai?"
"I have one condition."
"What's that?"
"Stop calling me Ai, please. It's not my name. Not anymore."
"And so is Shiro." He laughed at her—no, his—request. He stood and picked up his bag, ready to go. "Let's reintroduce ourselves, then. I'm Nanao Shirahane."
Ai—no, he wasn't supposed to call him that again—followed him after he finished putting the rest of his clothes in his bag. It felt like ages later until he replied. "My real name is Kuon Aikawa."
They walked out the storage and to the bright alleyway, and Shiro turned to him with a smile. "Ai, from Aikawa."
"And Shiro from Shirahane."
"I told you it sounds cute."
Nanao Shirahane doesn't fall asleep even until the train reached their penultimate stop. Kuon is still sleeping next to him, and he turns at him slowly to see his face more closely, without actually waking him up.
It's still pretty hard to imagine Kuon's face without any make up. He never looks weird with them, even though his jaw is hard and his cheekbones are high. Even though he's tall—manly tall—he looked quite good in blouse and skirt.
That's when Nanao realizes why he's actually interested at him in the first place: he looked exactly like Nanao himself when Kimiko dressed him up.
He remembers the way things go from there. That revelation soothes his mind, and Nanao smiles at his own reflection on the window. Suddenly sleepiness overtakes him, and he finds himself yawning and closing his eyes. His tiredness can finally make him ignore the insistent noise from the way the wheels goes against the metal railroad, and he leans against Kuon.
He can sleep for a while now, at least until they arrive in the town which has Nanao's house of the beach. That's one good place to make a fresh start.
Besides, there's Towa Aikawa waiting in one of the houses there, if what Nanao heard from the policewoman was right...
FIN.
A/N: I think this is the weirdest Ku/Nana I've ever made. Not as dark as Nanao's Only Darling but still twisted. Does the subtlety work or you've figured out who is who in the story? Plus, One Night is a great episode, even though not focusing on these two boys.
House at the beach? IWATOBI! *hides*
Hope you enjoyed your read!