Hey Girl…
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"Hey guys, you'll never believe what just happened." Jeremy Wright plopped down in the wardroom with complete disregard for the furniture, earning a raised eyebrow from Carlton Burk.
When the entire table remained silent, Danny Green grudgingly took the bait. "What's up?"
Wright gave them all a smug smile, his know-it-all attitude on full display. For the briefest of moments Danny wondered if he was this unbearable at twenty-three but he quickly dismissed the thought. Nobody could be as annoying as Wright. "I have a date with Cooper."
Silence fell in the wardrobe, finally broken by poorly concealed snorts of laughter from Danny and Carlton. Burk turned to look at his best friend. "I had no idea you changed Halsey's name."
Wright's eyes narrowed. "It's true. Sasha Cooper agreed to meet me for drinks."
"That seems ... unlikely," Carl Nishioka commented before returning his attention to his meatloaf. The CNO may have elected to relax the frat rules slightly – almost a necessity in a world where there were more ships than experienced sailors and, as was always the case, people spending twenty-four seven together on a five-hundred foot destroyer tended to get to know each other very well – but the idea that gorgeous, smart, and well-liked Sasha Cooper would give asinine Jeremy Wright the time of day was simply too preposterous.
"Are you feeling okay?" Danny asked with false concern. "I've heard that the flu can cause delusions."
"Are you sure she isn't planning a happy hour and you thought it was a date?" Gator asked, giving Wright far more credit than the rest of the room.
"Nope. I passed her on my way out of sick bay and she asked if everything was okay so I told her that I had STD – sexually transmitted desire for her," Wright explained, his pride in his "clever" retort evident.
The silence stretched unbroken until Alisha Granderson managed to croak. "You said what?"
"That has to be the worst pickup line that I have ever heard," Commander Jayne Cobb added, eyes frosty as she considered the young ensign. With Commander Garnett on special assignment, Jayne was on board the Nathan James as the acting XO. While Andrea had (thankfully) warned her about Ensign Wright's perchance for gossip and questionable behavior, this was her first personal experience with the man's peculiarities.
"Oh, I've heard worse," Carlton commented.
"Really?" Alisha's voice was amused. "Do share."
Carlton raised an eyebrow, sitting back in his chair. "You must be an officer because my privates are standing at attention."
Danny glanced up, fork halfway to his mouth. "Are you up for a little tactical insertion?"
"I'm going to break you down shotgun style."
"Drop and give me 69!"
Alisha groaned. "How old are the two of you again?"
But the two men were on a roll, oblivious to the varying looks of amusement and repulsion as they continued to rattle off a list of more and more outlandish lines.
"Don't forget to lube the chamber before you send the bolt home."
"Let's play war, I'll lay down, and you blow the hell out of me. "
"Did you just fart? Because you blow me away."
"Okay, stop! You win, those are worse," Jayne conceded. She pushed her half eaten plate away. "And I think I'm going to be sick."
"I think that last one might have been a Berchem original," Danny explained with a grin. "Along with this gem. Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore — my face should be among them."
"I've heard some bad ones too. Like you put the fox in foxhole," Gator pipped up, apparently feeling left out of the conversation.
"That one's okay," Danny retorted, drawing a giggle from Alisha.
"You only think so because you used that one." All eyes flew to Danny, who shrugged casually, although a thin red line appeared high on his cheekbones. "And it wasn't the only line I've heard you use."
"Fess up, Green," Carlton demanded with a chuckle.
When Danny merely raised an eyebrow, Alisha continued ratting him out to their shipmates. "Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world. Or how about this one? Can I hold your hand? I want to tell my friends I've been touched by an angel."
"God that's lame!" Wright threw in, a snarky grin on his face, leaving Danny with little doubt that every single person on the Nathan James would know about this conversion by the end of the day. Good thing he was used to the ribbing.
"Given that the woman married me, I guess she didn't think they were so lame," Danny countered, mostly to annoy Wright. He knew the lines were pitiful, but they also made Kara giggle.
"Actually, she did. She just liked you enough that she didn't care," Alisha muttered, pitching her voice so that nobody except Danny, who was seated next to her, would hear. returning to a normal tone, she continued. "I still don't believe that Cooper agreed to go out with you."
"I'd hardly expect you, of all people, to understand what I have to offer a woman," Wright said disdainfully, proving once again why everyone on the ship hated him.
"Do you need a reminder of how to speak to a senior officer, Wright?" Jayne asked frostily. She might be taking a more relaxed position towards the crew than she normally would so as to avoid stepping on toes, but she wasn't going to tolerate full-on disrespect.
For a second Wright looked like he was going to roll his eyes before he pulled himself together. "Sorry ma'am, Lieutenant."
After a few moments of chilly silence, Nishioka spoke. "Back on topic, what did Cooper say?"
"Well, she wants to wait until we arrive in London, of course," Wright began. The CNO and the Captain might have relaxed the rules to allow personal relationships between the crew while on leave but on the boat professionalism was expected, even if the couple in question were married. Or, as Captain Slattery put it, he didn't want to accidentally run into anyone's bare ass – even Green's. "I asked her if she wanted to get drinks and she said that she would be happy to discuss her availability once we got there."
"She said her availability?" Nishioka repeated.
Wright shrugged. "Yeah, why?"
"It's just that…." Alisha paused, her face a picture of innocence even though it was obvious to everyone – except Wright – that she was drawing it out on purpose. "Last I heard Agent Cooper wasn't available at all, if you get my drift."
"Agent Cooper's personal life is none of our affair," Jayne noted although, predictable, nobody seemed to be dissuaded from the topic.
Wright turned to Alisha with a disgruntled frown. "She has a boyfriend?"
"That's what I heard," Alisha replied cheerfully.
"Who is it?" Wright snarled.
At that, every eye in the room swung to Danny. "Don't look at me. I'm married."
"But your wife hangs out with Cooper. Do you know who he is?"
"Yup." Danny hid his grin behind his coffee cup. There were a number of benefits to being married to the President's senior military adviser, one of which was access to quite a bit of official and unofficial intel. Of course, this particular piece of information wasn't exactly top-secret. Wright was just too self-absorbed to have put the clues together.
"And?" Wright leaned forward, his eyes gleaming as he waited for the answer.
Danny shrugged. "Not my place to share."
"Sure that you don't have anything to hide, Lieutenant," Wright snapped.
"Make a comment like that again and you'll find yourself running laps until we arrive in London," Danny replied calmly, but with an edge of steel in his voice that assured everybody present that he was completely serious.
"That's enough, Wright," Jayne interjected, making it clear that she wouldn't be interfering in any punishment that was handed out, even if Green wasn't technically Wright's commanding officer. "If you want to know who Agent Cooper is dating, I suggest that you ask Agent Cooper."
"Come on Green, give me something." Wright was now whining. Danny rolled his eyes at Carlton. "I just want to know who the guy is."
The appeal was interrupted by the door to the wardroom opening. The room fell quiet as Captain Michael Slattery crossed the threshold.
"At ease." Slattery poured himself a coffee and sat at the end of the table. "What were you discussing?"
"Lieutenant Wright was informing us of his plans to take Agent Cooper out for drinks once we get to London to give her a proper send-off," Danny explained before returning his attention to his meal, ignoring the sulky glare that Wright was sending in his direction.
"Ah." Slattery took a swig of his coffee. "I will be sad to see Agent Cooper leave the ship but I'm sure she will be a great asset to the ambassador during the negotiations. Don't you think, Lieutenant Wright?"
"Of course, sir," Wright replied immediately, before shooting a baleful look at Danny. "I was merely noting how much I've enjoyed having Agent Cooper on board."
That drew an impassive look from Slattery. "I believe that your shift is about to begin, Ensign Wright. You better hurry. Commander Burk won't be happy if you are late. You too, Lieutenant Nishioka."
Carlton shook his head as the two officers left the wardroom, headed towards CIC. "That kid will never learn."
"I take it that none of you felt the need to inform the kid that Sasha is off the market," Slattery asked, earning a startled glance from Jayne. Even Mike knew about Sasha's unnamed boyfriend?
"I tried. He didn't believe me." Alisha shrugged, obviously not overly concerned about their failed efforts to enlighten Wright. She stood, Gator on her heels, as the two left for their own shift.
Danny turned to Carlton with a smirk. "How long do you think it will take him to figure it out?"
"At least a month," Carlton replied, laughing. "He'll be bragging all the way to London."
As the door closed behind the two men, leaving the Captain and XO alone, Jayne moved down the table to sit next to Mike. "Are you going to fill me in on who Agent Cooper is dating?"
An amused smile crossed Slattery's face. "I'll put it this way. You know those daily briefings that Agent Cooper has with the CNO?"
"Of course," Jayne replied, suspicion blooming. It had seemed odd that Agent Cooper was spending so much time talking to Naval Operations when her mission in London was diplomatic in nature.
"They aren't actually briefings."
Her eyes widened. "Are you going to tell Wright?"
Mike took a gulp of his coffee. "If Wright's as smart as he claims he is, he'll figure it out before we get to London. If not, well, maybe next time he'll do a little research before he plans a campaign."
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A/N – inspiration for this story came from the gals at the Hangouts, especially NDJ35, who provided me with several of these lines, and Tea-Induced Scribbles, who provides me with support for my severe (but totally baseless) dislike of Wright. Thank you all for putting up with my rambling!
I also couldn't help but include a Firefly reference. :)
In case you haven't seen, some of us are arranging a Valentine's Day story extravaganza so if you have any prompt suggestions or would like to write a story (one of the suggestions is to work in a bad pick-up line so I gave you some really terrible options here…), check out my post on the topic or send me a PM. Let's make it a fun winter while we wait for our favorite show to come back!