Disclaimer: I don't own any Batman characters, Wal Mart, or Cheez Its... sadly :( BUT! This story is 99.9% all from my imagination! I think... hehe papayas! :D
Okay, well sorry for not putting any new stuff up I've had a ton of homework and whatnot to do :P ANYWHO! Enjoy this or else! teehee:3
Batman and Flash sat in the front seats of the Batmobile listening to the four Robins and Alfred complaining in the cramped backseat.
As Batman drove them to their destination, going over 100 miles over the speed limit, he wondered if he'd remembered to pack his extra tights and his tanning bed.
"Okay, family roll call!" he called out. He had to make sure Jason hadn't killed anyone, because he was a responsible father… and Alfred would smack him with his dust pan again if he let one of the Robins die again. "Dick?"
Dick Grayson, the ideal Robin, responded, "Here, The Batman!"
"Tim?" Batman called out as he swerved in and out of traffic and dodged handfuls of Cheez Its being thrown at him from the backseat.
Tim perked up and stared hopefully at Batman. "We're family?"
Batman shrugged, "Sure, why not? Jason?"
Jason was staring blankly at the shiny rainbow crowbar he cradled in his arms. "Can I kill someone with Lafawnda when we get there?"
Batman responded, "Who?"
"My favorite crowbar! DUH!"
Alfred sighed, "I'll clean up the blood then, Master Todd."
"Okay then, yeah, sure, whatever, have fun," Batman told Jason. "Bastard child?"
Jason and Dick silently laughed at Damian who glared at the back of Batman's head. "Fuck you!"
The Batmobile was going about 250 mph and going down a one way street, the wrong way, and Batman turned in his seat to give Damian the Warning Glare (also known as the Mild Stroke Glare.)
As he turned back around, after blowing up a random parked minivan, Batman said, "Okay, Alfred, the batsammiches, bat drinks, and other batsupplies?"
"Here, Master The Batman," Alfred responded, holding up a silver platter drowning in hundreds of batsammiches.
"Awesome!" Batman and the four Robins squealed in delight as they all grabbed a batsammich.
"Flash?" Batman continued his roll call while chewing his batsammich.
"Me and my sexy self are here, my love," Flash responded, petting Batman's arm affectionately.
Batman recoiled quickly, shooing Flashes hand away. "Not in front of the kids! They can't know about love!" In the backseat, all the Robins looked at each other in confusion.
Jason whispered to Damian, "Love's what I made with your mom."
Just as Damian was going to punch Jason in the face, innocent little Tim said, "I don't get it." Which caused all the Robins, Batman, and Flash to laugh at him.
Not completely understanding Batman's reasoning about not showing love in front of the four children in the backseat, but also not really caring, Flash decided to just go with it. "Okay, sorry, Bruciepoo." He stopped to wink at Batman. "Later then."
Tim stretched his little arms to poke Flash's shoulder repeatedly. When he got Flash's attention, he said, "MOMMY!"
Boredly, Flash turned. "Yes, strange sheltered smart child?"
"Is Batman my Da Da?"
Without turning, Batman reached back and smacked the little nerd. "Yes, I am. BUT! You shall refer to me as The Batman! Not Da Da!"
The poor child began to tear up. "I'm sorry Batman…"
"THE BATMAN!" Batman screamed.
A man passing by looking through the car window would later tell his friends that he saw a deranged man dressed as Batman screaming and driving down the road.
Tim began to wail. "I'M SORRY THE BATMAN! DON'T KILL MEH!" The small child buried his face into Alfred's jacket and began loudly blowing his nose.
"Master Drake! That's so unsanitary!" Alfred cried. "Oh, Master Wayne! Stop before you crash through Wal-Mart!"
The car squealed to a stop an inch from the automatic sliding doors of Wal-Mart. A frightened elderly woman fainted as the Batclan hopped out of the Batmobile.
"We're here!" Batman said excitedly. Then, to himself he added, "Thank goodness for vacations."
"We're going to Wal-Mart… for our fucking vacation?" Damian asked angrily.
Alfred gave him a disapproving look, "Master Damian, please! Watch your language!"
Dick bounced up and down in excitement, "Hooray! An adventure! Golly, The Batman! This is great!"
"Yes, it's an adventure, like the ideal one just said, you stupid bastard child. Why can't you be more like your mother… I mean brother!"
Damian looked sick to his stomachache. "My mother? Him? …"
"The Batman was just confused and distracted!" Dick interrupted hastily. "Holy bargains, Batman! That camping gears half off!" He tore off through the electronic sliding doors and down an aisle full of toys.
Tim stood between Flash and Batman looking slightly confused but calm. "So, Dick and The Batman had that?" He pointed absently at Damian.
"No, silly little nerd!" Batman said as if explaining how 2 +2 = fish to an ignorant child. "Dick and I made it where Alfred had… that thing," he glanced at Damian like he were a disease or a Superman.
"Oh, that makes perfect sense!" Tim said looking content with Batman's explanation.
A mischievous grin spread across Flash's face. "Timmy? Oh, Tim, Timmy Tim-Tim Timothy! Would you like to hear the story of how Bruciepoo and I made you?"
Tim said he'd love to hear all about it as Flash led him down an aisle full of vodka, whiskey, bud lights, and condoms.
Standing beside Batman, Alfred looked fearful of what would happen to Tim's innocent sheltered mind. "Sir, shouldn't you do something before Tim learns… things that might corrupt his innocent nature?"
"Why?" Batman asked, twirling in circles to make his cape fly around.
Alfred gave him a look of disappointment, "Because you're his father!"
Throughout this time, Damian had wondered over to the curb and sat down, blankly staring at his feet. "Dick plus Alfred plus father equals… me?" He said to no one in particular.
Batman responded to Alfred as he ran inside to set up camp, "Eh, They'll be fine!"
Next time:Inside Wal-Mart!
Yeah, this is another reason I should never get bored... hehehehehehehe PLATYPEOPLES WILL RULE THE WORLD! Along with PENGUINS CANADIA and RUSSIA! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I wanna cookie