Harry Potter and the Hogwarts Class Reunion
A Story by J.K. Howling
Harry Potter saw his owl, Frank, approaching him over the oil field down yonder. Frank was Harry's first and only owl he had ever had and he sucked. His favorite professor at Hogwarts Academy for Magic People, Professor Cornelius Fudge, had trained Frank to always fly in close to his master, but then fly away without ever giving Harry his damn mail. Professor Fudge and Harry would laugh and laugh as the Boy Who Lived would try to shoot the killing curse at his damn owl without ever really trying to kill the thing. But Harry was very mad this time around because he was out hunting for centaurs with his wife, Ginny, and their seven kids and he couldn't get any wireless reception for his Polaroid quad-core tablet. Fat chance he'd get to play his Clash of Clans app!
So, as Frank flew in with Harry's mail and as he got close, the Boy Who Lived blasted his owl's head off with his 12 gauge shotgun. "You dumb animal!" Harry cackled. "All you brought me was a letter. A smart animal would have brought me a mobile router!" Harry really wished he could connect his phone to the internet.
When Ginny and their kids, James, Albus, Lily, Goat, Marmaduke, Lil' Harry, and Marge, who ranged from the ages of 29 to 26, returned in the family 2014 Subaru Forester from getting high with Madam Pomfrey behind Sabaro's Pizza, they were all really high and had cravings for food because they were high. "Dinner is served, you little shits," laughed Harry as he served them the remains of Harry's fan favorite pet owl from the original Harry Potter books, Frank.
"This is good meat," sang all seven of the kids in unison. "Much better than all that centaur meat!"
"That's because I used my magic to make all the centaur meat rotten! Prank!" replied Harry. They all laughed for five minutes. Once the laughter stopped simultaneously, Marmaduke Potter picked up the bloody letter Frank had been delivering.
"Hey Papa Harry, what's this?" asked Marmaduke. Harry drew his wand and started shooting some magic at his daughter.
"Trying to steal my mail, huh? That's a felony, mudblood!" he screamed, chasing her through the woods until dawn. However, once his magic incinerated his child, the Boy Who Lived realized that he had accidentally destroyed his letter too. If only the law had stepped in and done its job maybe Harry's mail wouldn't have been destroyed!
When Harry returned to his camp, he crawled into his tent where Ginny, Harry's wife, was laying without any clothes on! "I want to have nasty, nasty sex with you, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived." Harry couldn't say no to that!
Harry railed his wife and they both thought it was really nice and attractive. Harry thought Ginny's skin was as smooth as a hairless dog's skin and Ginny thought Harry's skin was very nice. They both screamed from all the love they were making in the tent and all the Potter children were clapping in their separate tent because they knew they were going to have another sibling soon. Very exciting! Harry and his wife, Ginny, were still going at it until noon when they heard a knock on their tent door.
"I'm sorry to interrupt the awesome stuff going on in there, but I have to talk to Harry!" said a familiar voice. Once Harry had put his overalls back on, he ran out of his tent to discover his old classmate and best friend, Gilderoy Lockhart, with his ear on a cup against the tent.
"Gil, what the hell are you doing listening to me and my wife banging?" asked the Boy Who Lived. "Never mind. You are a good guy and you're still a virgin. So, you probably are just curious! Why are you here?"
"Harry Potter, I flew here on my magic broom because you didn't respond to the letter I sent you, which was really urgent," panted Gil Lockhart. "Then I tried to text you, but I don't think Verizon, Sprint, or whatever cellular provider you have reaches out this far."
Harry sighed. "You are right. I'm fucking sorry. I thought I would be able to play Words with Friends with you, Gil, but I couldn't! What was in the letter, my old friend?"
"Well, I was riding my bike to Walgreens yesterday to pick up my prescription medication to treat my ulcer and believe it or not, I saw our old Hogwarts archenemy get hit by a Chrysler PT Cruiser! Ron Weasley is dead, mate!"
"Bloody 'ell," screamed Harry into Gil's face. "I thought I would get the son of a bitch myself, but I guess God had something else in mind." They both chuckled for three minutes.
"You have to come to the funeral, 'Arry," whispered Gil. "I hear everyone is going to be there to see that son of a bitch get dumped in the ground."
"Well, when is it, mate?" asked Harry Potter.
"It's next week," muttered Gil. Harry could tell his old friend was holding something back and after an hour of waiting to get all the information, Harry took his wand out and used magic to singe a lightning bolt scar onto Gil's forehead. "Ow!" bellowed Gil. "It's during the class reunion! The class reunion that you have been planning for this entire past year because that's what the class president, you, is supposed to do!"
"That son of a bitch is trying to ruin me one last time, huh?" thought Harry to himself. "Well, I guess there's only one thing I can do now."
"What's that?" asked Gil, who had blood pouring down his face from the fresh scar Harry had given him.
"We're going to have to have the class reunion at Ron's funeral," answered Harry.
The Boy Who Lived rose from his tanning bed when the doorbell rang. He had decided to catch a tan while he waited for his old Hogwarts friends from out of town to get to his house already. It was 3 a.m. in the day and Harry was very drunk because he was stressed out about Ron's funeral.
He stumbled into the living room of the house of his childhood that he had bought back from his father and mother, Vernon and Petunia Potter, after they moved to Tallahassee, Florida. Harry thought about all the sick memories he had in the house, like playing doctor with his step brother, Dudley, and shooting lizards in the backyard. Harry was very happy that Dudley had passed away so that he could take the house to raise his kids in without any legal battles for something he felt he deserved to own and didn't need government getting involved in.
"I'm so very happy that my step brother is dead! It's my house now!" shouted Harry out his living room window. The doorbell rang again and Harry realized that he was too damn drunk to see his buddies. So, he stumbled back up to the bathroom and forced himself to vomit out all the moonshine he had drank so he could be sober again. After a minute, he felt much sober and he slid down the railing to the front door.
He opened it and said hi to his three old friends that he hadn't seen in maybe exactly two years. The first to come in was the morbidly obese Rubeus Hagrid, Harry's classmate who lived in Tallahassee, Florida and picked up a lot of sweet chicks with his little brother, Grawp, at local bars. The next to enter was Crabb Goyle, the smartest kid to ever grace the halls of Hogwarts Academy and the first friend Harry met on the Hogwarts Trolley. The last to enter was the school hottie, Myrtle "Moaning" Hufflepuff, who Harry had been fooling around with up until he backed out and settled for Ginny, his wife, way back when.
"Hello, Harry," the three said together after counting down from three. "It is very nice of you to let us stay in your house for tomorrow's class reunion and/or Ron's funeral." Harry and his friends all laughed together knowing that they were going to have a lot of fun now they were all back together and having a blast.
"Just like old times at school," said Harry as he walked up the stairs to go to bed. "I'm very tired. You three can sleep in the living room together, but just don't touch any of the light switches. A thief broke into my house and stripped all my wires of the copper and it's no longer safe. I've contacted the authorities but no one does anything anymore! Please use your magic."
The three old chums nodded and moved their wands in some gestures to instantly charge their Android phones. Harry put on his sleep apnea mask and fell into a deep sleep. In the morning, when Harry's eyes opened, he was awake and he walked down the stairs to his three compadres who were all ready for the class reunion/funeral for Ron.
"We are all ready for the reunion," said Crabb Goyle in his usual condescending voice. "I can't wait to see that old son of a bitch, Ron Weasley, because he deserves to die after pantsing me and giving you swirlies, Harry."
Harry couldn't agree more with what Crabb Goyle was saying. "You're right, but these things tend to be at a more social time of the day, say the evening. Right now it is 8:18am. So, I say we have a day of fun outside in the city of London. Anyone up for some Denny's?"
His three friends looked at him like he didn't even have to ask! So, they moved their wands and were teleported to the Denny's near Harry's house. They all had a grand slam and really liked it like they always did back when they would go to the Denny's in Hogsmeade, the town next door to Hogwarts Academy. The food was great and the atmosphere comfortable, read Hagrid's review on Yelp. When their tummies were stuffed with grand slams, they went into the parking lot. Harry waved his wand and teleported a car in the parking lot after they were done eating which they did donuts in just like they used too. A bunch of old friends!
When they finished, Harry felt really good and he laughed with his friends. They had been doing it for so long that it was like that had been doing it for some time. "Where has all the time gone?" he asked himself. The clock in the magic car read 5pm! They were going to be late.
"We're going to be late now, you bumbling idiots!" said Harry. "What the hell are we going to do?"
Crabb Goyle and Hagrid were stumped, but "Moaning" Myrtle had an idea. "Why don't we ditch the car and use magic to teleport to the event. It's next door to at Kmart right?" Harry nodded and they all moved their wands around to create the spell that transported them to the place.
"I love magic," yelled Harry triumphantly.
There was about like 50 people outside of the place when Harry and his three old best friends from Hogwarts teleported to the place. "Wow," said Harry as he flew around on his broomstick in excitement. "This is going to be a lot of fun!" The line of people up to the door cheered on the Living Boy because he used to be so great at flying. As he flew around, "Moaning" Myrtle couldn't help but fall in love with her old bo again.
"I think I'm falling back in love with Harry, which may not be a good thing because of him being married to his wife Ginny! I mean, she's in the hospital giving birth to their new baby with the other kids at her side. So, maybe he is fair game today!" mouthed Myrtle to her twice removed cousin, Hagrid.
When Harry had all of his fun and landed from flying, the crowd went immediately silent. Some sobs could be heard from inside the place where the reunion was. "Why is everyone fucking crying up there?" asked Harry respectfully. They waited in line for over 2 hours until they got in the place and found that Ron Weasley's open casket had been placed near the entrance of the reunion place. Next to the casket was Ron's mum, Molly Ringwald Weasley.
"Hello everyone, gracias for grieving for my little grown man, Ronald. He was hit by a car and some people said they saw his head rolling down the street, but I talked to the casket people and they said he was still pretty handsome and that keeping the casket opened would be nice," said Molly Ringwald Weasley. Everyone cheered "whoop, whoop" in support of Ron's mum's decision. All except for HARRY POTTER!
"Everyone is fucking crying in this place, you insolent, shit-eating motherfucker!" said Harry to Molly Ringwald Weasley, while finishing the Sudoku puzzle he had been working on while in line. Everyone ooo'ed and ahh'ed as they remembered how much good Harry was with words. "You didn't even graduate with us, Molly Ringwald Weasley! You graduated two years before us!"
The Hogwarts Academy Class of 1999 gasped as they realized Molly Ringwald Weasley's deception. "I thought I would get away with it, but you are too clever, Harry Potter. I should've known you would have found out as you were the only one smart and wise enough to put Lord Voldemort through the justice system and actually seek the death penalty because it's not inhumane! Some people are too dangerous to be kept alive!" said Molly Ringwald Weasley.
As she began to wheel her dead son out the doors, Harry grabbed her arm. "Hey, he graduated with us. He stays." Molly Ringwald Weasley, having been caught twice by the Boy Who Lived, started to make a run for it with Ron Weasley's beheaded dead body, leaving the head and sarcophagus behind. Harry pulled out his wand and shot magic spells at her, turning her into a baby.
"You suck!" said Harry nodding. "I hope she enjoys puberty again! As for Ron, even though I hated him and he made me go to hypnotherapy because of his bullying of me, I will let him stay here because I'm a big man. Too bad there isn't a way for him to repay me now." There wasn't a dry eye in the entire joint.
"Hell, I am going to do one even better!" The Boy Who Lived took out his Nokia 6 and texted his pet elf, Bobby. Harry used magic to weld together Ron's head back to his body and by then Bobby had arrived with some string! For the rest of the night, Ron was the puppet and Bobby was the puppeteer. Everyone thought this was very big of Harry Potter.
"This is very big of you, Harry Potter," said Crabb Goyle to his old Hogwarts friend. "He made you go into hypnotherapy because of how much of an asshole he was, but now you are giving him a second chance at life for one night only, though."
Harry was only happy once he got to the bar. He took a hit on a cigarette and drank some peppermint snots while he looked around through his shades. He felt like he had saved his class reunion from harm. He saw his old classmate, Neville Longbottom, making out with his wife and old professor, Madam Hooch, on the dance floor. Nice, thought Harry Potter. Hagrid was talking up his old fling, Rita Skeeter, which made Harry very happy because Hagrid had a fling with his daughter Lily, which he was fine with, until Hagrid was caught cheating on her at a bathhouse, which he wasn't cool with. Rita was hotter than Lily anyways. Then there was Harry's secret best friend, Tom Riddle, the nicest kid at the school, who was just having a blast dancing to the hot remixes of DJ Draco, another old classmate who Harry thought would be an awesome choice to be the music guy at the reunion. It was a good choice!
Finally, Gil Lockhart arrived and kissed Harry's jade pinkie ring before saying anything. "Man, sweet party, Harry. Everyone is grinding on each other just like old days and those memories were great, weren't they?"
They sure were, thought Harry. Instantly, Gil got to the dance floor, stripped off his clothes and started dancing like a madman next to the dancing Puppet Ron. He used to do the same thing every year at the Hogwarts homecoming dance. Harry noticed however that Gil's body was just covered in leeches though. He must have been out swimming in a lake before this, thought Harry. It was "Moaning" Myrtle who caught his attention next.
She was grinding hard on Crabb Goyle, but staring at the Boy Who Lived. This made Harry very irritated. He knew that he had cast the impotency curse on Crabb Goyle as a harmless prank back at Hogwarts Academy. So, why on Earth would anyone feel attracted to him…unless "Moaning" Myrtle was just trying to get Harry's attention!
"I'll take a half gallon of rum, please," said Harry to Aberforth Dumbledore, the bartender that Harry had hired for the reunion. Aberforth used to give Harry alcohol and beer when Harry was underage, which was really cool and not very harmful at all because the drinking age used to be 18 years old and nothing went wrong then! "It's going to be a long night, Abbie."
"Is it because of that girl who used to moan loudly when making love?" asked Aberforth Dumbledore.
"How did you know?" yelled Harry.
"A bartender sees things, Harry," laughed Aberforth. "Remember, your wife is in the hospital giving birth to your new child. It's all over the news, mate. Do not break the sanctuary of marriage or else no one will respect you. Be a man, Harry Potter."
"You don't understand anything, you old fool. Why don't you go and take a hike, you swine?" screamed Harry. Everyone stopped jamming to the beats of DJ Draco as the Boy Who Lived waved his magic wand and made Aberforth Dumbledore suffer a heart attack and die.
"That's just plain wicked," said Tom Riddle as he tweeted a picture of the dead bartender.
"I killed him because I'm mad at Myrtle who used to moan whenever we railed in the Forbidden Section of the Margaret Thatcher Memorial Library at Hogwarts Academy. She's grinding on the infertile Crabb Goyle because she wants to grind on me, a married man and soon to be baby daddy again. It's not cool!" said Harry Potter.
The crowd all gasped. Crabb Goyle thought they were gasping at his sperm problemo and he left the reunion very sad. But really, they were all gasping at Myrtle. It was out of character for her to seduce men. Usually they came to her like the dogs they are. And everyone in the room remembered the first lesson Professor Filch taught in God 101, which was that you can't bone married men! It's no good!
"Who the hell are you, you piece of shit?" screamed Harry, loud enough to force his nose to bleed! "You sure ain't the Myrtle I used to make moan!"
The crowd backed away from Myrtle as like a bunch of fire went all over her body. DJ Draco began playing one of his hottest remixes and it was pretty cool with all the flames. It was getting hot like a big bonfire, but it eventually cooled down when the flames disappeared. Where Myrtle stood was none other than Lord Voldemort!
"You son of a bitch, I thought justice had been served on your ass and you got lethally injected with that gunk!" whispered Harry Potter as he live streamed the reunion on his phone. He was getting a lot of reactions on Facebook!
"You foolish baby boy," scoffed Lord Voldemort. "When you use lethal injection, you might as well as not kill the person at all! They don't even feel pain and like what's the point of the death penalty if they don't feel just desserts, right?"
Everyone at the reunion clapped at the really good point Lord Voldemort was making. Harry was embarrassed that he was being made an ass of and all because of the damn weak voters who can't stomach politicians who want to deliver real justice. But he put it out of his mind, because he noticed that Voldemort had been experimenting with his look lately. He had previously been a pale, wimpy man, who couldn't see without his dumbass glasses and had a comb over. But while he still had the glasses, it looked like he had finally taken Harry's advice and gotten Rogaine as he now he lush curly locks of hair. His skin was as tan as really tan skin and he had washboard abs.
"I used magic to kill the Myrtle because I knew I would be able to get to you through her at this dumb reunion," declared Lord Voldemort.
"I don't think this Hogwarts Academy Class of 1999 Reunion is lame, do you?" asked DJ Draco over the speakers. The entire crowd shouted back no and went back to dancing around the dark lord and the Boy Who Lived who looked like they were going to start throwing fists or magic.
"I knew it was you all along. I was just waiting for you to reveal yourself," said Harry.
"You are smart, Harry Potter. You figured out my plan before I thought you did," said Voldemort. "But now I will kill you with magic." Once the two finished replying to all their new text messages, they drew their wands for an EPIC duel.
Lord Voldemort moved his wand and Harry's old Hogwarts Academy classmate, Dean Thomas, who was standing behind Voldemort to his left, flew across the dance floor towards Harry. But Harry was too smart for that. He moved his wand and suddenly Dean Thomas was erased from history and all previous stories/books. Voldemort groaned and moved his wand again. This time, all the Energizer AAA batteries in people's pockets or somewhere in the place rose in the air and shot towards Harry. Harry saw this coming from a mile away and moved his wand, lifting all the Duracell AA batteries into the air, shooting them into the Energizer batteries. They all exploded when they hit each other, but it looked really cool like a laser show. "Nice laser show, but a bit too loud :/," wrote Neville Longbottom on a Yelp review for DJ Draco. Because of that review, DJ Draco's career ended after the reunion and he passed away a year later due to too many mosquito bites.
While Harry admired the light show, Voldemort came up behind him and hit him over the head with a metal chair. Low blow! Harry struggled to get up and Lord Voldemort shot the killing curse at Harry Potter, but at the last minute, someone flew across and took the blow. Harry took his time before he looked over and noticed who had saved his life: Puppet Ron Weasley! Bobby stood at Ron's side and moved his mouth and said Puppet Ron's last few words.
"I hope this makes up for all those bad times, mate. You are smart, handsome, and brave. Never forget that," Puppet Ron said. And with a wink of the eye forced by Bobby, Ron Weasley finally was laid to rest on the dance floor of his high school reunion/funeral and no one had to grieve no more.
"You are a piece of work, Ron Weasley, but now you have earned my respect. The moment would only be better, though, if Bobby the Elf wasn't here. He's not a Hogwarts Academy student! Sorry!" said Harry. With a move of the wand, Bobby the Elf never existed.
"Well, your friend isn't here to save you anymore, Harry Potter," laughed Voldemort.
"Oh, really?" said Harry. Because Harry had seen this thing a mile away because he was super smart, he had texted Professor Cornelius Fudge and Prime Minister of Magic Lloyd Quirrell to get there ASAP. And while they crashed the reunion, they still came in, tased Lord Voldemort, and arrested him. Voldemort didn't even know what was coming to him. They escorted the reunion out and soon it was just Harry, his old professor and mentor from Hogwarts Academy, the newly elected Prime Minister of Magic Quirrell, and a handcuffed Voldmort.
"I have taught you well as your professor," said Professor Fudge. "You're lucky too. I would have been too busy to come save your ass if I hadn't bet all my money and my gold casino in Tallahassee on those horse races. But I lost everything to my name and now the dark lord has been stopped again."
"Bets can really go either way, I suppose," shouted Harry. "I'm glad you were elected Prime Minister of Magic an hour ago, Quirrell. Finally, we have someone in the government who has the balls to catch criminals and bring them to real justice!"
"Yes, Harry," said Prime Minister Quirrell. "You have done a really neat job coming up with a cool reunion that everyone loved and you stopped evil in its tracks, something the government hasn't been able to do! But now I have brought some muscle here to finally give the death penalty criminals like Voldemort deserve: death by firing squad!"
Five men with big ass guns walked in. They lined up in front of Voldemort, who stood in front of the stage where DJ Draco was still packing up his equipment. They pointed their guns at the dark lord and counted down.
"3…2…"
"Harry," screamed Ginny, who had just entered the place where the reunion was. "I have given birth and the baby's name is Henny, my middle name! Also, you are great at throwing class reunions!"
In all of the happiness and celebration over the new baby Ginny held in her nanny's arms, no one noticed Voldemort slip out of the place where the reunion was, call up a taxi, call again asking where the taxi was, and get away in the taxi once it came super late. Voldemort had slipped away into the London underworld, otherwise known as Digimon Alley. It took 2 hrs before everyone noticed he was gone and everyone cried because they hadn't done their damn job.
"I guess we are going to have to stop being so damn soft if we're going to be able to deliver justice properly. No more of this dumb shit where we care about these bad guys who don't care about us! It's time to shoot them or being shooted at," declared Harry to thunderous applause.
The End.
Where are they now?
Crabb Goyle still has bad sperm.
Hagrid returned to his bachelor ways in Tallahassee after scoring a night with Rita.
Gil Lockhart died from all those goddamn leeches or maybe it was his ulcer. Either way he died a virgin.
Professor Fudge got audited by the IRS and is in jail for tax evasion.
Prime Minister of Magic Quirrell quit because even though he promised change, he couldn't deliver it! He got married to Molly Ringwald Weasley and moved to Seattle.
Ron Weasley's body was buried in a ditch somewhere.
DJ Draco is dead.
Myrtle is dead.
Aberforth is dead.
Bobby the Elf and Dean Thomas never existed.
Ginny would go on to cheat on Harry with one of those goblins from the bank.
Harry replaced Prime Minister of Magic Quirrell and installed very good death penalty and law enforcement laws like he promised voters!