Hi there! Got a fresh new idea here...it's going to be an interesting ride, let me tell you. James Bond and Phantom of the Opera, who would think to mesh them? Me, apparently. -:shrug:- I mean, Erik knows how to sneak around and trip people up...

Anyway, let's just dive right in. I don't own Phantom, Bond, or the rights to the song "Too Much Love will Kill You" (props to Leroux, Fleming, and Queen).

Juan, Don Juan…007

All eyes watch from the barrel of a gun to the blank white on the other side. Footsteps echo in the emptiness and the barrel follows a man dressed in black, his cape flowing gently behind him. Suddenly, as though he know he's being watched, he whips around and expertly tosses a lasso. The barrel of the gun shifts with the assailant's attempts to free himself but the last thing he sees before his vision clouds over in red is that the other half of the man's face is covered with a white mask.

(Fade out)

Scene opens in small room. A man with a black mask rises from his chair in front of the mirror and flutters his cape in the semblance of arrogance, in accordance with his character. Adjusting his ensemble one last time, he smiles self-assuredly at his reflection and shuts the door behind him, well knowing that his cue is still a few minutes away. He hums to himself, warming up his vocal chords and reviewing his lines.

PIANGI: You have come here in pursuit of…blast what is it again? (Hastily yanks libretto from his rather large pocket) "Your deepest urge?" If this hadn't been written by the ghost, I might have Carlotta demand it changed.

There's a strange sound from somewhere in the catwalk (that sounds like someone muttering "You wouldn't know art if you it bit you on your…damn, he can hear me") and he raises his head. Suddenly, a man leaps down and renders the other unconscious after a valiant yet pathetic struggle from PIANGI.

ERIK: I believe your services won't be necessary tonight, sir.

With a small smirk, the man rises and moves toward the entrance to the stage, leaving the other tied and stowed away in the half-open closet. Adjusting his mask to insure proper coverage, he walked out on stage with his head held high and the music swelling on nearly discordant melodies.

ERIK: (Whispered) On with the show…

(Scene switches along with Dramatic Music!)

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Bright colors flash across the screen while the Don Juan Dancers alternate between flirtatious silhouettes and moving billboards. The first reads "Based on work Gaston Leroux to whom much credit is due and also with influences by the work of Ian Fleming." The words fade and shadows of masquerade dancers project on the bodies of the Don Juan Dancers. More words appear: "A May-They-Not-Sue-Me Production, A Bobmcbobbob1 Fic." The words shimmer away and the silhouettes return, swimming against a blue background that shifts smoothly to green then purple. "Juan, Don Juan: Too Much Love will Kill You."

VOICE: "I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And I've been facing this alone for much too long

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me

About growing up and what a struggle it would be

In my tangled state of mind

I've been looking back to find where I went wrong."

Another flash of words appear on screen: "Opening Song 'Too Much Love will Kill You' by Queen, used without permission." More silhouetted Don Juan Dancers wave their arms in front of the screen and the words ripple away against a yellowish background.

VOICE: "Too Much Love Will Kill You

if you can't make up your mind."

In the midst of this particular part of the song sequence, one woman is present against a red background, her features obscured by lighting but her revealing peasants outfit is relatively clear in the red lighting as she focuses on sorting through her basket of roses.

VOICE: "Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind

You're headed for disaster 'cause you never read the signs

Too Much Love Will Kill You - every time."

The Don Juan Dancers shimmy across the screen while the credits continue to fade in and out, sometimes projected onto various limbs and sometimes to the side of the dancers.

Camera focuses on the silhouette of a man, working tirelessly at the organ with occasional glimpses of white from his mask.

VOICE: "I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be

And it seems like there's no way out of this for me

I used to bring you sunshine

Now all I ever do is bring you down."

Focus is again brought to the same woman as before (credits are still passing by…just trust me) only now the lines of a stained glass window are visible as well. She kneels, shadowed in a green light.

VOICE: "How would it be if you were standing in my shoes

Can't you see that it's impossible to choose

No there's no making sense of it

Every way I go I have to lose."

Focus shifts again to a man in shadows; obviously upset, he's yelling something (though muted) and pounds his fist on a desk before chucking it across the room. Attention shifts back to the Don Juan Dancers performing such moves as the Lawn Mower, the Sprinkler, the Grocery Cart…

VOICE: "Too Much Love Will Kill You

just as sure as none at all,

It'll drain the power that's in you

Make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy

You're the victim of your crime

Too Much Love Will Kill You - every time."

Don Juan Dancers are doing the Macarena, as they seem to be running out of things to do while some of the others have received paid endorsements to work as living billboards.

VOICE: "Too Much Love Will Kill You

It'll make your life a lie

Yes, Too Much Love Will Kill You

And you won't understand why

You'd give your life you'd sell your soul

But here it comes again

Too Much Love Will Kill You

In the end...

In the end."

The Music dies down and the screen fades to black.

(Aside) AUTHORESS: Alright, here's the scoop. Mostly set in Phantom of the Opera time period with many elements (and probably several liberties) from the James Bond, what I call, Golden Years, meaning during the Cold War when the Russian conspiracy stuff made more sense.

Cast likenesses are as follows:

Erik: James Bond

Madame Giry: M

Meg: Miss Moneypenny

Buquet: Q

Christine: Bond Girl

Raoul: Christine's Mobster Boyfriend

Carlotta: Evil Seductress (:snort:)

Piangi: Annoying Bad Guy

Philippe: Felix (there will be an explanation for this)

The Persian: Shady Casino Owner

Andre and Firmin: Crappy but somehow Unbeatable Henchmen

Sorelli: Girl in Beginning who Dies

Other characters will be noted when they come more into play.

All in all, it's going to be one heck of a ride. Strap on your jetpacks. And as always, love it or hate it, please let me know!