A/N: This is an AU story, the first chapter is from Hermione's point of view the rest will be in story format,

Nothing belongs to me Thanks for reading.

Needing to let go

There was a pain, a deep pain, where my heart resides that grew every day. It grew every time I thought of him, every time I saw, it grew constantly. It was now to the point where this pain consumed my entire being. It left no part of me untouched, how so much pain came from love I will never understand.

I loved him, and that was the problem. It all started at Hogwarts, watching him walk down the halls with such a commanding presence, his graceful hands as he worked, his voice… Oh his voice, he could say anything and I would melt. He was such a hard man, so reclusive and quite. There was a brick wall surrounding every crevice of him that being next to him could hurt. Despite that I fell in love with him. He and I started to work together my sixth year due to Dumbledore's insistence and his resistance, it was rocky at first but we developed a routine.

That was when I knew I loved him without a doubt, I became privy to his sarcastic wit and dark humor, I realized that he was an extremely loyal and devoted man. Needless to say the war happened upon us and quickly to, my love became a murdering traitor and left. If I could express the depth of my despair at that time I would but I soldiered on for Harry. How he lived I don't know, I attribute it to his extremely stubborn nature. It was after the fight was over, Harry told me about the memories and I went back for him, he was alive, barely. His recovery was slow and I stayed, he had nowhere else to go, Harry was generous enough to let us stay with him.

We became closer, or as close as he would let anyone be to him, he returned to Hogwarts a year later and so did I for NEWTS of course. The next 5 years were full of pain and perseverance. Lives were rebuilt and things went back to normal from before the war. I became an unspeakable and have been let loose on research and experiments. I am also married, yes married to the man I love. Getting him to marry me was devoid of any romantic notions and was pure logic on his part. It just seemed to work, for him…

So here I am now, 7 years after falling in love with him, and 5 years after the war, 3 years married and 23 years old, so very tired. So tired, and it is because of this marriage and my love. Love is a fickle friend, it seems so pure and joyous yet brings with it so much pain. When I was a little girl the thought of being married to the love of my life brought only joy, I never knew it would be so unfulfilling and painful.

You may wonder why it is painful, I longed for him for so long and stayed with him, gave my entire self to him and yet I don't think that I can do it anymore. I can't be with him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. It is killing me. Slowly driving me mad with grief and longing. Hah it is so sad to be with him yet long for him. I can't do it anymore.

I love him but he does not love me. I know it. Yet I also know that he cares for me more than he does any other living person. It isn't enough. It doesn't dull the pain. I die a little every time I tell him I love him and he sneers at me. He used to tell me that I was too young to know what love is, I would always say back then why did you marry me. His answer always made me cry, because it was logical he said. I quit telling him shortly after.

I had slept with him before we were married. I thought that it could only get better, I was wrong. If anything it has gotten more painful. When I touch him he stiffens, when he touches me it feels mechanical. When we kiss it feels stilted, he has to be in control and it always leaves me feeling cold. A dementor's kiss would be preferable. He never does more than what is necessary and never even touches me outside the house or the bedroom for that matter. And sex, well it is always in the dark under the covers with him propped up so as little of our bodies are touching. I garner no pleasure form this act. I had thought that just having him in me would be enough but it only left me feeling used.

Yes my husband does not know how to make love. He doesn't know how to be affectionate. He doesn't know how to hug, how to cuddle, how to even hold my hand. He can't even bring himself to touch my shoulder. And if I touch him or try to initiate something he leaves. If I cry he sneers and leaves the room. I gave up on sex a while ago. It seems like we have been married for more than 3 years. I have never felt more alone than I do married.

His possessiveness is another problem, for someone who doesn't love me. He treats me like a possession, he has stated that because we are married I am now his. Great right. He hates it if other men even look at me, thus the reason why he never leaves my side. At first I thought it was enduring but now I realize it is to dissuade others from touching what is his. Ron glanced at my cleavage early on in our marriage while he was speaking to me. I was used to it, what else will a young man do, he broke Ron's nose. Suffice to say we aren't allowed back at the Burrow. Well he isn't which means me. Too many young men in the Weasly family that could be injured they say.

I go to Harry's now to see everyone, he rarely lets me go without him but the one night he did was when I realized that I needed to let go.

I had gone there by myself, my hubby was busy on a project and couldn't spare the time, he wasn't going to let me go but after a great row I left. I was sitting in the corner drinking some wine watching my friends and family interact. How happy and content they looked, and how much pity shown in their eyes when they glanced at me.

Remus came over to see me, he had been staying with Harry and his wife Ginny with his wife Tonks and son Teddy. Remus came over to me and asked me how I was, he smiles at me then gave me a hug. I latched onto him, I grabbed the back of his shirt and buried my head in his neck. I was so starved for affection. He wouldn't let other men hug me not even my friends. It was too much trouble to calm him down so I just did what he asked. But hugging Remus, smelling his manly scent and the comfort he gave me I couldn't let go. I needed this, I needed someone. I started bawling with the realization. Remus kept saying my name trying to look at my face, it would have taken a miracle to separate us. I lost track of what happened for the next thing I knew I was in his room. He was sitting on the bed with me on his lap holding me in a death grip rocking me back and forth. Harry was leaning against my back hugging me and Ginny was rubbing my leg.

I heard Tonks say poor girl I can't believe she lasted this long, then I knew no more. When I woke up it was a couple hours later. Remus the poor man couldn't pry me off to save his life. I was mortified to say the least and tried to get away but Remus just smiled at me and held me close. We were lying down on the bed, Tonks was spooned to my back fast asleep and Teddy was lying on his dad giggling with him. It was then I realized that this is the life I wanted, not the one I have. I needed to let go. So here I am trying to let go of the man I have loved for the last seven years who will never love me.

For the first time I don't want to love you anymore Severus Snape, now to let you go,