Remembering to Feel

The night air was cold against Carol's bare arms and legs. Brain Drain loomed over her, his metallic figure blotting out the full moon, his eyes gleaming in the darkness.

"Painwheel," he said. "Return to Lab 0… we have much to discuss."

For a moment, Carol didn't move. She had no home anymore, and with the Skull Heart destroyed, no sense of purpose… but if there was one thing she was certain of, it was that she would never let herself be used by this metal monster again.

"Do you really think you can control me?" Her eyes gleamed red with fury through the holes in her mask. "The truth is… you're next!"

With a howl of rage, Carol leapt towards Brain Drain, the blades of her Buer Drive whirring and gleaming in the moonlight. Brain Drain's eyes widened a moment, then he leapt back out of reach. Suddenly, flames burst to life from beneath his boots, and he rocketed into the air.

"Valentine was right," Brain Drain sighed. "Your control protocols have been shattered. I didn't believe it was possible, but in this state, you're useless to us."

"Useless?" Carol growled. "I'll make you wish you never even tried to use me!"

The muscles of her arm writhed and bulged, and a barrage of spikes shot from her skin like a hail of arrows. Brain Drain swerved in the air to evade the barrage, but a stray spike struck his shoulder and lodged in the joint with a steely clang.

Irritated, Brain Drain pulled the spike from his shoulder and tossed it aside. "There's nothing to be gained from this petty brawl. I'll return when I've devised a method of fixing you."

Brain Drain turned his back to Carol and began to fly off. The Buer Drive spun furiously and carried Carol into the air like a propeller, but Brain Drain soon outpaced her and vanished into the night sky.

Carol landed on the side-walk, and her blades slowed and ceased to spin. Her breath rattled through her mask. Her rage at Brain Drain had pulled her from her depression, but only for a moment. She could have continued her flight, she considered, back to Lab 0 in pursuit of Brain Drain, but she knew that the coward would not be waiting there when she arrived. He would not come out of hiding until he was certain he held the advantage. Until then…

Carol didn't know what she would do until then, or what she would do after, either. As Painwheel, she'd never stopped to consider the ends met by her fury. She'd never had the freedom to, or the clarity. Only now could she question what she would do if she succeeded in her vengeance.

A new kind of pain crept over her, hungry and cold. Loneliness. She had no home now, no friends, not even someone she could talk to. Moisture beaded in her eyes. Not even her parents would speak to her now, the people she had thought loved her most. She hung her head. A quiet sob escaped her mouth, muffled by her mask.

Suddenly, she realized someone was approaching her from behind. Her sorrow instantly staunched, she whirled towards the stranger and growled, on all fours, the Buer Drive poised over her head like the fangs of a viper, ready to strike.

Filia blinked and stepped back, her eyes wide and fearful. "Carol? Carol, do you remember me?"

Carol paused, and the Buer Drive dipped lower. "…Why are you here?"

Sampson twitched anxiously on Filia's scalp. "I told you before kid, this is a bad idea."

Filia's expression became more resolute. "I'm not giving up on this, Sampson. Not yet."

Carol bared her teeth. "Tell me why you're here! After what you've done to me, what makes you think I'd want to talk to you again?"

"I'm sorry," Filia stammered, on the brink of tears. "I don't remember what it was I did to you, but I know we were friends once. I'll probably never make it up to you, but… I'm lost, Carol. I have no idea who I am."

Carol sighed, and her voice softened. "You're not the only one who's lost, Filia. I've been Painwheel for so long, I can hardly remember who I was before."

Filia paused. "What was it I did to you?"

A memory surfaced, dull and foggy through the haze of Carol's past rage and pain…

"It doesn't matter," Carol said. "I just want my friend back."

Slowly, her motions stiff and awkward, Carol stood up straight and spread open her arms. Filia smiled, stepped forward and hugged her. For nearly a full minute, they embraced in silence.

"It's good to see you again, Carol," said Filia, choking back tears.

"Uh huh," Sampson grumbled, rolling his eyes. "This is all real sweet and all, but did you forget the bit where this girl tried to make lawn-trimmings out of you a few hours ago?"

Filia let go, frowning. "Carol wasn't trying to hurt us. She was holding back. Couldn't you feel that?"

Carol looked at her feet. "Brain Drain had me under his control. I was so angry, constantly fighting his will, fighting for my freedom, and when I saw you and remembered what you did—" she broke off. "I lashed out, Filia. I could have killed you."

"Not likely," Sampson huffed.

"It's alright, Carol," said Filia. "We're past that now."

Carol's feet ached, and her stomach growled. "Could we go get some food? I'm getting hungry, and I'd like to rest a while. Somewhere quiet would be nice."

Filia smiled. "I know just the place. There's a little burger restaurant down the street. They're usually not very busy, but the food is very good, and they're not very pricey either."

A few minutes later, Filia had led Carol to the restaurant. Filia wore a white hat, covering Samson. Carol had gotten some funny looks from the owner, but apparently, being accompanied by Filia was enough to reassure him. That, or he simply too afraid to say anything. It was good enough for Carol, either way. There were no other customers there that late at night, and no music playing in that restaurant. Aside from the faint hum of the neon lights, the sizzle of the grill and the engine sound of an occasional passing car, the restaurant was silent.

Carol and Filia sat in the corner booth. When the waiter came, Filia set down her menu, looked up and smiled.

"A number three with a large fry, please. Oh, and a Diet Coke."

"Certainly!" The waiter scribbled down Filia's order, then paused, his eyes slowly drifting across the spikes in Carol's shoulders and the blades of the Buer Drive. "And," he stammered, "for your friend?"

Carol tapped the menu thoughtfully. "A double cheeseburger," she rasped. "No onions, please."

"Right away, ma'am."

The waiter walked off, a little too fast, like a mouse ducking out of sight. It hurt Carol a little, but Filia didn't seem to notice.

"Thanks for bringing me here, Filia. It's been a long time since I got to do something this normal."

Filia's smile finally faded. "You've been through a lot, haven't you, Carol? If you want to talk about it…"

Carol sighed. "That's probably for the best. I don't remember everything, but I remember an operating table. Bright lights. Scalpels. Some kind of blood transfusions. They told me my purpose was to find and destroy the Skullgirl. There was someone called Brain Drain, a cyborg. I didn't see him often, but his voice was always there, drowning out my thoughts. Every moment, I fought and raged against him, fought to push him out and take my mind back. I didn't really think I'd ever beat him, but I refused to give up."

Filia smiled, slightly embarassed. "That's pretty impressive, actually. I don't know if I could have been that strong."

Sampson's voice came from under Filia's hat, low and muffled. "Hold up a sec. Did you just say something about finding the Skullgirl?"

"That's right," said Carol. "And after I broke free of Brain Drain, I found her."

Suddenly, a pair of black tendrils lifted the hat and Sampson's yellow eyes gleamed out from under the brim. "The Skull Heart… where is it?"

"I destroyed it."

Filia gasped, and Sampson growled and ground his teeth.

Carol tilted her head, puzzled. "Wait, you were trying to find it?"

"Sampson and I had been looking for a way to restore my memories," Filia explained. "We hoped the Skullheart might be the secret to remembering."

"Guess that's a wash now," Sampson grumbled, tucking back under the hat.

"It's probably for the best," said Carol. "I overheard a few conversations back at Lab 0, and everyone there seems convinced that the Skullheart was nothing but a force of destruction. I don't think anyone has ever wished on the heart without becoming a Skullgirl."

Filia paused, thinking. "I'll never really know who I was before, will I? I guess I've just got to figure out who I'm going to be."

"You're not alone in that," said Carol. "I don't know where I'm going just yet, but I know I can't go back."

Her gaze lingered on FIlia's face, her large, expressive eyes and her smooth skin. Filia met her eyes and didn't look away, but after a moment, she gave a sheepish smile.

"Uh… Carol? Are you going to take that mask off?"

Carol suddenly put a hand on her mask, as if she'd worn it so long she'd forgotten it was there. "I—" she stammered and broke off. "Filia, you have to understand that, those operations, the things they did… I don't think you really want to see what's under here."

"Come on, I don't expect you to try to eat with that thing on," Filia joked.

"You're sure about this?"

"I'm sure."

Carol gripped the mask, paused a moment, then pulled it off quickly, as if she was ripping off a bandage. Filia looked on without flinching, her expression slightly surprised. Scars formed an X across Carol's face and marked the top edge of her forehead. Her eyes were slightly dark and tired, as if sleep-deprived. Her expression was blank, waiting.

"Well? How do I look?"

"Uh…" Filia giggled. "Kinda cute, actually."

Carol frowned. "You're making fun of me."

"No, really, I'm not. It's just funny… even with those scars, you look just like I remember. Well, what I can remember. It's not all clear to me, but we spent a lot of time together, didn't we?"

"Yeah." The slightest hint of a smile played on Carol's lips. "We did. You were the best friend I had." She chuckled. "I guess that much hasn't changed."

The waiter arrived and laid their plates on the table. "Eat up!" He seemed more relaxed now, perhaps because he could see Carol's face.

"Thank you," said Carol, the harsh edge beginning to slip from her voice.

"Thanks a lot!" Filia chimed in.

Carol waited and let Filia take the first bite. The scent of the burgers rolled up over her, warm and comforting. Carol took a small bite, and her eyes watered. She chewed quietly and swallowed.

Filia looked up from her burger. "Carol? Are you okay?"

"That's good," Carol said, trembling, on the verge of tears. "It's really good."

"Are you… crying?"

"At Lab 0, everything they gave me tasted like hospital food. I never got to eat anything like this. I never knew," she said, her voice cracking as she began to cry, "how much I could miss just feeling normal."

Sobbing, she set the burger down, rested her hands on the table and lowered her head. Filia took Carol's hand.

"It'll be alright, Carol. Really, it will. We've got each other now."

Carol wiped her eyes, sniffing. "When I tried to go back home, my parents didn't even recognize me, but somehow, you did. Even under my mask, you knew who I was."

Abruptly, Filia leaned across the table and seized Carl in a fierce hug. "I'm not going to forget you. No matter what happens, I'm never going to forget you again."

Carol embraced Filia. After a time, her sobbing quieted, and ceased, and she gently let go.

"Look at me," she said, chuckling. "Painwheel, Lab 0's ultimate weapon… and I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out while our burgers are getting cold."

Filia wiped Carol's tears with a napkin. "Painwheel's a dumb name, anyways. Carol suits you better."

Their spirits lifted, Carol and Filia tore into their burgers. Filia shared her fries, and occasionally, Sampson snuck down a thin tendril and pulled a fry up under Filia's hat.

Finished, Carol wiped a spot of ketchup from her lip. "I'll be back in a few. I just want to hit the restroom and wash my face. I think I've still got some tear-streaks on my cheeks."

Filia nodded, and Carol left. After a moment, Carol spoke to Sampson.

"You've been a little quiet through dinner. Is everything all right?"

"Thought I'd give you two a little time alone," Sampson answered, from beneath her hat. "Well, as alone as you ever get."

Filia smirked. "That doesn't sound like you at all. Normally you can't stand other people getting close to me."

"The Skullheart's gone now. It'll be back in seven years, but a lot can change in that time. It's got me thinking… I never told you about my last host, Dahlia, did I?"

"No. You never did."

Sampson paused. "This isn't the right time to get into it, but things didn't end well for Dahlia. I guess I want to see things go better for you. You and Carol really seem to like each other. Don't let that go to waste, kid."

Filia smiled again. "Believe me, I won't. She's a friend like no other."

Sampson didn't answer. A few moments later, Carol came out of the bathroom. Her face was slightly moist, and her bangs were damp, but she was smiling. The bell at the door jingled as they stepped out and began to walk aimlessly under the street-lights.

"Got any plans for tomorrow?" Carol asked.

Filia scratched her head, smiling sheepishly. "Well, I was going to spend it searching for the Skullheart. Maybe we can hit the mall and do some clothes shopping instead? That qipao you're wearing's pretty stylish, but you don't have much else to wear, do you?"

Carol tugged at her qipao and scowled. "No. I'm pretty sick of this thing, anyways. It reminds me of a hospital gown."

"I should probably think about going back to school soon," said Filia. "I mean… that's what I ought to be doing right now. And my name might be in the school records, somewhere. Might be good start in finding out who I used to be."

"You shouldn't be too hard to find. It's not like 'Filia' is a very common name," Carol joked.

They kept walking. After a moment, Carol stopped.

Filia turned to face her. "What's up, Carol?"

"Just thinking about something we did together a while back. Before I was taken."

"Oh? I might remember if you tell me."

"It was the Forth of July. We were going to watch the fireworks together in the park, but for some reason, you wanted us to get there early, almost an hour before dark."

Filia's face lit up. "That's right! I wanted to get there early so we'd have time to walk over from the ice-cream parlor."

Carol smiled. "You've always had such a sweet-tooth. Your thighs are starting to show it."

Filia blushed and tugged down at her skirt, looking flustered. "Quit teasing me."

"Hey, don't worry about it. You look great."

"So, the fireworks? What got you thinking about that?"

Carol paused. "There was something I wanted to tell you while stood out there in the sunset, but I never did."

"Oh? What was it?"

"The way the golden light played on your skin…" Carol blushed intensely, grinning. "You looked really beautiful."

Filia stared, speechless. Even under the dim streetlights, a faint, rosy tinge showed on her pale cheeks.

Carol looked serious. "Earlier, in the restaurant… did you mean it when you said I looked cute?"

Filia didn't answer. After a moment, Carol stepped closer and put her hands on Filia's shoulders. Her hands were strong, but tender on Filia's soft flesh. She gazed into Filia's eyes as she moved closer, so close she could feel Filia's breath on her skin, could feel her breath quickly rising. She slowly closed her eyes and kissed Filia on the mouth.

Filia made a little noise, a kind of muffled sigh, leaned against Carol and slipped her arms around the small of Carol's back. After a moment, they broke away, flushed.

"Hey, Carol?"

"Yeah?"

"Back when we were going to school together, did I ever have any boyfriends?"

Carol thought. "No. You never did."

Filia smiled and lowered her eyes. "I think I know why, now."

Filia cocked her head and nibbled playfully on Carol's ear. Carol gasped, and her knees shuddered as Filia furiously kissed her neck, then worked her way up to Carol's mouth. Carol gripped the soft flesh of Filia's thigh as they kissed beneath the streetlights, and the pain, confusion and guilt that had surrounded them seemed dissipate like fog under warm sunlight.

As they kissed, Carol thought back on everything she'd been through to reach this moment, to be with the girl she loved and who loved her, and somehow, it all seemed worth it.

AFTERWORD:

This is the first fanfic I've ever written, and I'm not sure whether or not I'll do any sequels to this. I have a couple of ideas, though.

-Something where Brain Drain comes back for Painwheel, and Filia and Painwheel battle him together.

-Something to address the possibility (hinted at in Painwheel's ending) that her Skullgirl blood might eventually corrupt her and turn her into the next Skullgirl. Specifically, Filia and Painwheel would meet up with Big Band and the rest of Lab 8 (sort of like in Big Band's Story Mode) and then Stanley Whitefin would perform some kind of text on Painwheel, discover her condition and work on a cure.

-Also, considering doing a Ms. Fortune x Minette yuri (possibly set in this same timeline) where Fortune rescues Minette from the Medici mafia after she's kidnapped (see Ms. Fortune's Story Mode Ending). Would involve a lot more fighting than you saw here, and Fortune would get to fight Cerebella, which I'm sure more than a few Skullgirls fans would LOVE to see.

-Also… this is a big maybe, but I might consider doing a Beowulf x Cerebella fic. Beowulf is absurdly hot for a guy who's nearly 40, and extremely likeable. I don't hate Cerebella (unlike many fans), but I see her as extremely misguided and someone who needs to get the hell away from Vitale and the rest of the mafia's influence. Plus, she's already a huge fan of Beo, so the groundwork is there. I'm a little reluctant about this ship due to the massive gap in age, but Beowulf is pretty much just a big kid anyways, so I might be able to overcome that.

If you're hoping for some Filia x Carol lemon content later in this work… that's uh, probably not going to happen. I know stuff got a little saucy at the end there with the neckin' and the thigh-grab and all, but these two are 15 years old. Come on, guys. The only way I could make it work would be to do a three-year time skip or something.

…Of course Ms. Fortune's 20 and Minette's age is never stated, so she could be 18... and uh, that would make sense, seeing as how she's working as a waitress apparently full-time.

Just throwin' that out there.