For the longest time, there was only the sound. The distant, stinging ring of the wind whipping past my face. The sound grew to a deafening roar as I ran faster, paws pumping up plumes of loose snow, muscles straining for even more speed.
I could feel their presence in the back of my mind, even here, somewhere in the Canadian wilderness; could hear their vague, wordless pleas. Wordless only because I'd long since stopped trying to listen.
I couldn't say how long I'd been running, Only that it was safer this way, for me. It was easier to disregard the thoughts that plagued and haunted me, that still left a dull ache in the hollow that was my heart. Somewhere in the part of my mind that was still human, I knew this, acknowledged that it was from this very ache that I was running.
The passage of time is different through the eyes of the wolf.. we measure it only in the base needs of survival, the gnawing bite of hunger indicating that it had been a few days since my last meal, the trembling of my tired muscles, screaming at me that it was time to rest.
I scented the air briefly, immediately recognizing my quarry. I pushed all of the various trivial concerns of human life out of my head, giving myself fully over to the hunt.
To anyone watching my progress, the change in purpose would have been almost impossible to notice, nothing more than a lifting of my nose, and a slight change in direction. But I was on the trail, and I'd never failed at a hunt, when I was fully engaged in it.
I spotted her up ahead, a somewhat diminuitive doe with large startled eyes. She knew something was not right, could surely sense that I was getting close, but didn't flinch away at all, just kept looking worriedly into the bushes close by.
The poor creature never had a chance. I could see the recognition flash through her eyes a moment before I landed on top of her, instantly snapping her neck with my teeth. There was no need for her to suffer needlessly.
I stayed there until I was satisfied, hunching protectively over my kill, darting looks around with every mawful. It wasn't until the stabbing hunger had receded that I was able to pull my thoughts away from my primal animal instincts.
When I did, I nearly cried out in despair.
What I hadn't had the presence of mind to ponder earlier now seemed painfully obvious. The startled eyes, the fear that was not at all for her own well being, the savage truth that was the circle of life.
I turned and ran, not needing the confirmation of actually seeing him. I'm not sure I would have survived that. I sprinted back the way I'd come, hurtling dead trees with barely a thought, running away from the face of the baby deer that I had just condemned to death, leaving him motherless in this harshest of winters.
Somehow, running no longer seemed like it was enough.
Chapter 1.
An unwanted intrusion
By the time I got him to the animal rescue, he was barely clinging to life. I'd only gotten a couple of miles away before the shame drove me back. How hard it had been for me, carrying the bereaved offspring of the doe I had slaughtered, cradled in a sort of sling I'd made of my shirt and pants, the ends of which I held gripped in my teeth.
I couldn't get over the irony, and it was a painful irony to consider. The pain I ran from was the pain of bereavement. And I had caused that very same pain to another creature.
I had phased back to my human form on the outskirts of the woods just a few miles away from town. I was surprised at how hard it had been to let go of the wolf, of how completely I relied upon it to desensitize me to the hurt that burned me like a red hot blade. I just barely managed not to kill the baby deer in my frenzied struggle for control.
After easing the deer out of the sling, and hastily dressing in the now-stretched-out clothing, I had picked up the deer and ambled aimlessly through town till I found someone who could give me directions to the Animal Rescue.
The looks they gave me as I stumbled in from the cold were far from welcoming, dressed as I was in horribly dirty clothes that could not have been much protection on a 60 degree day, let alone the -15 that was the current temperature.
But one look at the poor little deer had them scrambling to help. After suffering several dirty looks (made all the more nasty due to the story I had told them about hitting his mother with a car as she was leading the little one across the highway), I couldn't take it anymore, and I rushed back out into the cold, ignoring the astonished looks of the passers-by.
It seems that coats and scarves were more common attire in this place than cut off blue jeans and a thin cotton shirt.
The pain was building. I ducked my head away from the scrutiny, envying these people their ability to care about something so trivial as an improperly dressed stranger, wishing I could do the same.
I needed to escape, could feel the pressure building in me, the warmth that preceded the transformation.
I put my head down and full out ran, startling many of the very people who had just been gawking at me. After all, it's not everyday you see someone move so fast that their actual movement blurs.
I could see the trees as I drew nearer to the fringe of the forest, could feel the atmosphere that I had become accustomed to drawing me in.
But I knew I wasn't going to make it. I strained against the urge for as long as I could, struggling, hoping only to make the cover of the trees. I didn't.
About 70 yards away from the forest the pressure exploded out of me, almost like a kernel of corn when it reaches too hot of a temperature. One moment I was a boy running down the street faster than anyone should be able to move, the next I was a giant ball of fur, claws and fangs, running at blistering speeds for the protection of the woods.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I thought to myself, fleeing the impending scene that would inevitably be unfolding behind me.
"I saw it officer! I swear! One moment he was just a boy, then 'POP!' there was a giant wolf running where the boy had been. Yes sir, I'm completely serious! No sir, I'm not currently taking any medication"
I pushed the thought from my mind, reverting to the wolf mode that was my sanctuary, embracing the unthinking emptiness of my instinctual nature.
But the emptiness would not come. I tried harder to push all thoughts from my mind, but there was this insistant little buzzing in the back of my mind, like a mosquito trying to feed from the inside out. It took just a moment to realize what this insistent buzzing must be.
"What do you want"
"Holy crap, it worked! Hi Jake. Please don't tune me out again, I've been waiting forever for you to let your guard down, and it took a lot more effort than I expected to force my thoughts into your head. Hell, if you hadn't phased back to human like you did, I doubt I would have been able to catch you off guard like that, and then you'd be hating yourself for the rest of your life. Not that it's much of a life you've chosen"
I repeated myself, much more forcefully this time, steering Seth back to the topic at hand.
"Um, yeah, right, sorry. I just thought you'd like to know that Bella and Edward sent out the invitations to the wedding. It's tomorrow night. I got mine a few days ag"
A growl the likes of which I'd never produced ended his sentence as effectively as a punch in the stomach. I was furious! This is why he'd bothered me?! This is what was so important that he had to sneak into my thoughts when I wasn't ready to stop him!
"Go then! Enjoy the spectacle! I'm sure that Bella and the Bloodsucker will make a beautiful couple, plenty of photo ops! GO, live it up, I'm sure they'll have plenty of great food there, got to keep up appearances, you know"
"Jake, calm down man. She wanted me to"
"I don't give a DAMN what she wanted, Seth. She made her choice, I've made mine, now LEAVE-ME-ALONE"
"-to tell you that she hopes you can make it... She really misses you man, that's all"
I stumbled over a perfectly level patch of ground, crashing heavily to the snow-packed forest floor, unable to fight off the despair. Was I doomed to feel like this forever? Even in this form?
"She misses me?" I 'whispered', "She doesn't have the right!", but even I could hear the lack of conviction in my voice.
"Give her a break man. She feels really bad about what happened, but she still cares about you. She said it would mean the world to her, something about her wedding being incomplete without you as her best man.. God, it's good to talk to you again, Jake. We've all been really worried about you"
"She said that?" I wanted to deny it. To scream till I collapsed, to tear trees up by the roots, anything to keep me from embracing this damnation. But I knew I couldn't do it. As soon as he'd said her name, my resolve had begun to waver, and I knew I was doomed.
With this realization came the utterance of the words I'd been trying so hard to avoid all of these long months.
"Tell the pack to assemble, I need to talk to them.... I guess it's time I came home"
Even in the thought-speech of the Wolf, my voice came across thick with despair, accentuating the fate to which I was resigned. It seemed it was my lot in life to suffer for her...
Chapter 2
Running on M T
I waited for a while, pacing anxiously along the snow-covered bluff in anticipation, mingled with just a hint of uncertainty. I could hear Seth calling out to the others, his howl echoing across La Push's landscape. And I could hear their thoughts as, one by one, the pack phased, and started heading toward the sound of the call.
I instinctively recoiled from the contact, unable to easily overcome the aversion I'd built up to having them in my head. It took me a moment, but I steadied myself, and opened myself up to them again.
Sam was first to the rendezvous point, seeming a little perturbed by the time of the summons. It seeemed the hour was less decent back home, which surprised me, given the rosy glow of dusk that was just then painting the horizon off in the West. Well, MY West. I tried to stay calm as I considered Sam's wrath.
Others began to come into my mind, then. First Quil, then Leah, the two of them exchanging 'words'and then racing each other to the clearing where the pack met for official business. Next was Embry, followed by the others.
No one seemed to acknowledge my renewed presence. Maybe they still couldn't hear me unless I wanted to be heard? Maybe months of self-imposed exile had built up my mental defenses quite a bit? I put the thought out of my mind, and began to focus on what I would say.
Should I apologize? No, never that! I'd done what I'd had to do. Should I explain my reasoning? They should know by now (since I'd been shutting them out for months) that I didn't want to talk about it. I needed to figure out how to make them understand, but I was cut short by the first startled reactions to Seth's statement.
"Jacob's coming home"
"Jacob"
"JACOB"
"You there Jake"
I waited for a moment, dreading this renewal of contact, wanting more than anything to turn around and keep running, as I had been for so long now, knowing that that time had left me behind. The most important thing, I knew, would be to think only what I wanted them to hear.
"Is that you Jake"
-sigh- "Yes it's me. How is everyone?" I said, aiming for a light-hearted conversation.
"We'd be better if you would come back to your rightful place!" Well, so much for that.
"Sam, you know why I had to leave"
"That does not excuse your actions. Your pack is left at a disadvantage now, without you to run as second. We're not as effective without you"
"My life is NOT going to be just one long Damn Patrol!! That's NOT all I'm good for"
"Jake CALM DOWN!" The double-timbre of the Alpha voice settled into my skin, filling me with contempt for my servility, and for the one who would deign to be my Master.
"Take it easy on him Sam, Jake's had a rough time, give him a break." Seth said in my defense.
"Look Sam, I wanted to talk to all of you, because I need to know how things are going back at home. I'm-", I stopped hear, searching for how to word it, "a bit behind on things, and I don't want to come back without figuring a few things out first"
Sam considered this for a moment. "Then you ARE coming back." It was not, technically, a question.
"Look, you all know what I did, and you know why, so let's not get into that, please. I need to know how things are.. progressing." The anxiety was obvious in my voice.
"With Bella and the bloodsucker?" This was from Leah.
"Hey, Edward's really a nice guy." An angry growl escaped my lips, letting Seth know that I was having None of that talk.
"Sorry Jake"
"All right, everyone else shut up! Let me talk to Jake for a moment, alone." I felt their thoughts slipping from my mind, as one by one, the others phased back to give Sam and I some privacy. I felt Leah's annoyance as she jogged a few hundred feet away before phasing back herself.
"Okay Jake. What's the deal? You drag us out here at four in the morning, then refuse to talk about the reason you left? That doesn't help. If you won't talk to us, how can we do anything for you"
I took a deep breath, steadying myself, calming my nerves.
"Sam- I need to know how she is. I mean is she-" I choked on the words I intended to say, "is she happy? That's what really matters, I guess"
"Well, I don't really have much contact with that family," he said the word with a detectable level of scorn, "but I can't keep Seth away from them, and he's always plaguing our thoughts with memories of how happy they seem to be together. Honestly Jake, aside from being a filthy leech, Edward is actually pretty good to her"
I wanted to be angry, to scream at Sam, to make him tell me the truth, but I couldn't refute the logic in his words. Nor could I deny the thoughts he then placed into my head, thoughts Seth had shared with all of them, memories of the way he sees them interact.
Visions of Edward playing piano, and Bella sitting at rapt attention, of Edward saying something that made Bella's face light up like the noonday sun, visions of them kissing, Bella trying to push it to far, and Edward prying her off of him, lest he lose control of himself.
I began to sob, then. I tried to retreat back into my isolation, but the link had been reestablished and I just couldn't do it.
"Jake-", Sam began as I tried to stifle my tears, baseball sized tears that came of their own volition, "look man, I know you're hurting. I've seen what women can do to men, and I thank God everyday for giving me someone as wonderful as Emily, someone I know will never hurt me. I'm sorry that Bella hurt you, but she was never good for you, man. She's never considered your feelings, she's used you through and through. How much more are you going to put yourself through because of her? Jake, come back to the Reservation, resume your place as my second, forget that girl. She's just gonna keep hurting you, and it's not something any of us wants to see. Come on, man, let it go"
"NO!" I howled, and in that instant the barrier I'd thought I wouldn't be able to retrieve sprung back into place, effectively barring Sam from my thoughts.
How Dare he say that! How dare he say she used me! Bella loved me! She did. It wasn't her fault her wits were all addled by some smooth-talking, Mind-reading pretty boy. Forget that! Bella was NOT using me! I won't believe it. She wants me at her wedding, she wants it to be perfect, and I'm going to make it perfect for her!
I turned around and started running. I didn't need to check my direction, I knew it was the right one. The pack was like a beacon that couldn't be ignored.
But I was not running toward the pack. I was going home, going to see her again, to hurt myself even more so that she could be that much happier.
My feet churned up huge clouds of powder as I barreled through the barren wilderness, heading for the stomping grounds of my home, looking forward to the familiar feel of Running on My Terrain. (Running on M T)
Chapter 3.
Here we go.
For what seemed like an eternity, I ran. I ran until my legs grew weary and my breath came out in short, steamy bursts, and still I ran. The sun set and the meager sliver of a waning crescent moon hove its way into view, illuminating the night with its slight iridescence. It traced a path unfailingly across the night sky, seeming to slow to a crawl as I raced it toward the Western horizon, finally fading away as the first hints of dawn brightened my surroundings, and the distinct scent of Salt Water stung my sensitive nostrils.
I wanted to rest for a bit, as I had been pretty much running nonstop for the better part of a full day, but if I wanted to make my deadline, speed was essential, and I could spare no time for creature comforts. I took a deep breath, tearing my eyes away from the beautiful sight of the Pacific Coast, and turned due South, watching as the snow thinned more and more, being replaced with the lush foliage that I connected with home.
I finally came to the outskirts of Forks just before sunset, and made my way straight home to try and find something appropriate to wear. When I got there, though, I couldn't bear the thought of facing Billy, so I instead turned to the only other place I felt comfortable going.
Embry's house was just the same as I remembered it, nestled back behind the old country store on the edge of the reservation. I loped up through the woods bordering his back yard, and then, with what seemed like the same amount of effort it would require to swim out of a powerful whirlpool, I phased back to my human form.
Slumping over, I made my way unsteadily toward his back porch, weakly calling out his name. One of his sisters heard me first, unfortunately, and came out back to see what the commotion was about, her eyes going wide in shock as she saw my naked form staggering her way. She ran back in the house, screaming for her brother, and he emerged a moment later, handing me a large beach towel, which I gratefully accepted.
"Welcome back Jake. Sam made it sound like you'd decided not to come back. I'm glad to see that isn't the case. You gave my sister quite a scare, you know. I imagine she's inside right now, giggling with her friends on the phone"
"Hi Embry, look, I need some clothes, something nice to wear for, er, tonight.", I said awdwardly, not wanting to discuss what his sister thought about seeing me naked.
"Well, I've got my dad's old tux, if you think it would fit you. He wasn't quite as big as you, you know"
After trying it on, and deciding that it definitely would not do, I settled instead for an old pair of denim shorts, and a flannel shirt that fit well enough, provided I roll up the sleeves past my elbows.
"Look man. I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but, well, are you all right man?", the concern was evident in his voice, as was the substantial amount of effort he put into hiding it.
"Em, I know I haven't been the best of friends lately, and I am sorry for that. I really have to go now, but we'll talk later, okay? I'll probably need someone to talk to, after what I'm about to do"
He looked at me sympathetically, but seemed to accept what I'd told him, because he said no more as I turned and ran into the forest.
I still was a bit worried that I wouldn't make it, but by the time I got to the Cullens place, just after dusk, I had barely a moment to wait before Edward appeared out the back door, leading Bella by the hand.
My God did she look stunning! The way her face was done up, with the elegant array of tiny braids, swirling fantastically around each other to frame her face, made my heart skip a beat. Her dress was a sheer satin piece which so perfectly complimented the contours of her body, that I had to remind myself that I was in the presence of her husband (I struggled with the word), and that he could hear everything I was thinking.
Still, if my appraisal of Bella's beauty made him uncomfortable, all the better.
"Thank you," his voice greeted me from the pool of light just outside of their house, "This is very... kind of you"
"Kind is my middle name," I said shortly, not wanting to be rude, but unable to not put at least a bit of sarcasm into my words, "Can I cut in"
I saw the recognition on her face, as her hand shot to her throat in startlement, and a shocked disbelief dominated her expression. She looked unsteady on her feet, as though unable to support her full weight, as she struggled to form coherent words.
"Jacob!", she whispered, strangled joy making her voice catch. Then more strongly, "Jacob"
"Hey there, Bells"
She broke out of her momentary stasis, struggling her way toward me through the uncertain footing of the poorly lit lawn. To my chagrin, Edward kept pace with her, wordlessly supporting her, until she was close enough to fall into my waiting arms.
I hugged her then, fiercely, all the while struggling internally to dispatch the joy that was threatening to overtake me. It didn't matter that she had greeted me so warmly, so familiarly, she was a married woman, and she would never be mine. I fought to keep my face composed against the joy and despair that were battling for dominion in my heart.