A/N: This is something that I have started to write a long time ago. Just to clear things up:

For me, the O.C. ended with their last talk at the model home.

"Are you saying it's over? You never know, right?"

"I'm sorry for all the crazyness"

"I wouldn't have done it any different way...except maybe Oliver"

Marissa laughs that cute little laugh "Me too" and they share that super cute smile. *The End*

So, I cut the end of that episode off at that point and stopped taping it. Because it would've been such a great ending for the show...

I refused to watch Ryan hooking up with that stupid ... (Yeah okay, I'm still not really over it by now LOL) but I had a friend of mine telling me about Summer/Seth and Kirsten/Sandy ;) I hated Taylor with a passion, even before Ryan turned to her in Season 4, but of course that's just my opinion. That said there won't be any Taylor bashing in that story, she's mentioned just shortly without any judgement.

Anyway. After that I always thought about what could've happened if Marissa DID die but instead of forgetting about her after what felt to me like 5 minutes, Ryan couldn't let go? So here's the outcome.

Dear Marissa,

it's been 5 fucking months and I miss you more every day you're not here with me. A lot of people probably would think that I'm crazy because I've been writing you these stupid letters every day for the last months but to tell the truth, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I know that everybody around me says that I just don't want to let go but I can still feel your skin under my fingers, taste your lips on mine, smell the scent of your hair and see your eyes every single second of the day. The Cohens try to get me back 'home' and they don't understand that I can't feel at home anywhere anymore because you're not with me. And I definitely can't be in the poolhouse where we spent so much time together, where everything reminds me of you. It's better living here in that seedy bar although I know that you would hate it and think that I'm crazy. The Cohens try to act as if nothing has happened, try to reassure me that everything will get better, get back to normal some day.

The only one who isn't pulling that stunt is your mom. Don't laugh, but she's the only one who seems to understand what I'm feeling. She doesn't even try, unlike all the others, to hide the truth that nothing will ever be normal again. We actually get along, did you ever think that day would come? The day when your mother wouldn't fight me but calls me just to talk? I think that she lost the will to live and maybe she wishes that she would've died with you that fateful day 5 months ago like I do every day. I know that you wouldn't want me to say that, but it's the truth. I wish I would've died with you. There you go, I finally told you what I'm feeling. You died without knowing what you really mean to me. I always wanted to tell you so much, tell you how much I love you, how grateful I am for every minute I was allowed to spend with you and how sorry I am for every minute you were hurting because of me. But I never said anything, just assumed that one day I could tell you those things. I thought that we'd go to college together and without the Newport-crap surrounding us we would get back together and that one day we could be married, living somewhere else. THAT is something I would've never told you (or anyone else for that matter) but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. In fact, for me nothing matters anymore.

You know that I'm cagefighting and every night I pray that I get beat up, just to feel another sort of pain. But nothing helps. The "good" pain, the one that shoots through my body when I get punched or kicked, never stays long enough and shortly later, the "bad" pain comes back, losing you present again. It's so hard to deal with the pain of losing you. Getting up, getting dressed, just living is pure pain. I force a smile on my face when I see our friends but I just wish they'd let me alone. Let me alone to think about you, look at your pictures, cry over you, even talk to you when nobody can hear me. I'd like to think that you sort of watch down on me, that you're still a part of my life.

Can you remember the day I came by your house to tell you that I wouldn't be at the debut? I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and of course trying to close the zipper of your dress didn't help to calm me down either. I'm sure that you already knew back then that I had fallen head over heels for you because you had that knowing smile that only made my heart-beat speed up even more. The desire to touch you was hard to resist, let me tell you that. I'm glad that I was there that night, though. Because I will never forget the way you looked in that white dress. Later, when I thought about our future, I always imagined you wearing a similiar dress and looking like that on our wedding day.

Well, looks like our future is different to what I imagined it, cause all I have left now is my loneliness and the memories of you.

And the worst is that we weren't even together on your last day with me. I feel like I have no right to miss you so much. And I feel guilty because I know that the accident and your death is my fault, too. Like always when we had problems I ran away instead of facing them and because I turned to Sadie, a girl who could NEVER mean anything to me, you turned to Volchok. And even after Sadie had left my pride stopped me and I just couldn't tell you my true feelings. And that's why you decided to join your dad on his boat. If I would've just told you how much I've always loved you, you would be here with me now. I always knew that the lack of communication was our biggest problem and the reason why we broke up again and again. And I also knew that it was my fault that we weren't communicating more but never in a million years had I thought that it would cause your death. I know that I'll never forgive myself for that...

Forever Yours, Ryan