As You Wish.

Author Notes: This happens in a universe where Sam never showed up, but Jackie and Hyde have broken up due the Chicago. Eric is in Africa but he and Donna haven't broken up, so Randy is nothing more than a footnote. The title and quotes in between scenes are from The Princess Bride, which, in my not so humble opinion, is the best movie (and book, read the book!) ever made.

Summary: A comedic look at love, loss and death, Sooki style! AU Season 8 where Sam does not exist!

Disclaimer: I do not own that 70's Show or The Princess Bride. Actually, that's not true, as I own at least three copies of the DVD, and the book is right next to me as I type, and I know every single word and my first born son is going to be named Westley, but legally, I don't own anything. Obsessed? Yes, yes I am.

This is meant to be read as a one shot, but if you want to review both chapters, you can. I just had to cut it in half because it was too long to put into one chapter.

Warning: Language

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."

Valentines Day was always meant to be spent with the person you loved. It was time you cherished those dearest to you, and if you were lucky, were given fine Belgian chocolates and bouquets of flowers along with shiny jewelry. Jackie Burkhart always considered Valentines Day to be the holiest of all holy days. So, it was with great sorrow and regret that she was not able to spend this day with the person she loved the most.

This was mostly due to the fact that he was refusing to speak to her.

She had tried everything to get his attention, flirting, dressing in her cutest and sometimes sexiest outfits; she had even sent herself flowers in the hopes of making him jealous. After that, she actually tried apologizing, and then, worst of all, begging. However, none of her plans worked, and Jackie was eventually forced to contend with the fact that he didn't want her anymore.

She had been staying with her friend Fez after her mother had left down again on one of her many excursions to Mexico. She spent most of her days working as an assistant to the queen bitch from hell, Christine St George, and her nights were spent alone. It was too hard for her to go to the basement anymore, so she stayed away. She knew he wasn't dating anyone else, Donna would have told her, but this brought her little comfort.

He didn't love her anymore, and it was high time she accepted it.

It was now two days before Valentines Day. She could hear Fez and Hyde's voices down the hall as the phone rang. She quickly memorized the page number of her book and went to answer the phone. She was having a hard time listening to the person on the other end because of the arguing that was taking place outside in the hallway.

"Just talk to her!" She could hear Fez beg her ex.

"Wait, what did you say?" She asked the man on the phone, making it impossible to hear Steven's reaction. "You need me to identify what?"

"Look, I know you miss her, and she misses you, just tell her you want to talk!"

"Sorry, I was just… yes, I'm here." Jackie spoke into the phone. "I'll be right down." She hung up the phone gathered her coat, purse and keys and ran out without saying a word to either of them as they continued to argue in the hallway.

"We tried to contact your father, Miss Burkhart, but when we were told he's in prison, we saw that you were the next available contact."

Jackie followed the man down the long hallway. "Did you tell him?" She asked voice emotionless.

"He has been notified, yes."

In hindsight, she always expected that someday she would have to go to the city morgue to identify her mother's body. With the kind of life style she led, it was only a matter of time before all the drinking and men caught up with her. Jackie had always expected however to feel something when it happened. Instead, it was as though all the Zen lessons had finally set in and all she could say as she looked down at her mother's face was,

"That's her."

And then she turned and walked away.

"We are men of action, lies do not become us."

Jackie had no idea what to do next. She had no idea how she was going to handle her mother's arrangements and the funeral. She'd rather just not deal with it at all.

"Don't slouch when you drive."

Jackie screamed at her mother's presence.

"What are you doing here?" Jackie asked, trying to convince herself that she was simply having a hallucination brought upon by stress and not enough sleep.

"Seriously, Jackie, sit up." Her dead mother commanded her.

Jackie continued to drive, all the while muttering to herself that her mother wasn't really sitting next to her.

"And stop talking to yourself, people will start thinking you're crazy." Pam looked in the side mirror at her reflection.

"Uh, mom, you're dead."

Pam looked over at Jackie and gave a flighty laugh. "Oh am I? Well, I suppose that does explain a lot. I suppose we should go over my funeral. Now, I want something nice, elegant; invite everyone I knew, oh, it's too bad your father won't be able to come."

Jackie had already pulled into her parking spot so she was able to give her full attention to her mother.

"By everyone you know, you mean everyone you've slept with right? I don't think there's a church that seats that many people."

Pam gave another laugh at her daughter's sarcasm. "Have you been moisturizing twice a day like I told you to? You want your skin to be as smooth as mine don't you?"

With that, Jackie stepped out of the car, ignoring her mother's criticisms.

It was then that she remembered that she had dissed Hyde. Now, not only was her mother gone, but there was no hope for them. He was probably long gone by now, sitting in the basement, smoking a joint while he droned on about cars that run on water, or how love was nothing but a conspiracy. Or worse, he was out picking up skanks for one night stands, that he could parade in front of her as though dumping her wasn't enough.

So it was to her surprise when he was still there, reading the book she had left.

"I only just started it." She said, gently closing the door behind her.

Hyde nodded and sat the book down. "What do you think of it so far?"

"It's good." Jackie answered as she put away her purse and coat. "Where's Fez?"

"Beer run." Hyde told her. "Where did you go?"

"No where." Jackie answered.

Hyde leaned back. "No where."

Jackie sat next to him on the couch, trying to ignore her rapidly beating heart and her mother's ghost who was tisking at her.

"I'm alone aren't I?" Jackie asked, as she titled her head towards her mother.

"Jackie, let's not do this right now okay?"

It took a minute for Jackie to realize what he was talking about. "No, I meant, physically. We're alone right?"

"Uh, yeah." She watched as he backed away from her, as though he were afraid she would bite.

Jackie let out a sigh of relief. "That's good to know." She stood up from the couch, "Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go take a nap." She walked into her bedroom, closed the door and her eyes. When she opened them up again, she saw her mother sitting on her bed.

"I never approved of him."

Jackie sighed. "I know, you told me that."

Pam sighed, "Well, look at him, Jackie; he's poor, and a criminal."

"Dad's a criminal." Jackie reminded her mother.

"Yes, but your father did what he did so that you could have what you wanted."

What she wanted. All she had wanted was her parent's attention. It was a sad bit of truth that even dead, her mother still couldn't see that.

Jackie undressed and curled into bed, closed her eyes and swiftly drifted off to sleep.

"Life isn't fair. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something."

Jackie woke up later and looked at the clock to see it was only seven thirty. She could hear the TV on in the living room, and the muffled voices of Donna, Hyde and Fez. They seemed to be laughing about something and Jackie found herself slightly jealous. She wondered how he was able to do it, how he was able to just move on just like that.

There was no way she was going to show them anything less than her best though, so Jackie reapplied her make up and checked her hair before going out to join her friends.

"Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry." Donna said to her when she came out of her room.

Crap. This was not the way Jackie had wanted people to find out. "About what?" She asked nervously.

"About Good Morning Wisconsin being canceled."

This was the first time Jackie had heard such news, but she covered up her shock nicely. "Yeah, it's uh, too bad." She said as she walked into kitchen to get a coke.

"I guess that means you have to find a new job right?" Fez asked.

Jackie wanted to hit something. "I guess."

"Oh, sweetie, you're not having a very good day are you?"

Jackie glared at her mom. Try a good life. After collecting herself, she walked back into the living room and sat next to Donna on the couch.

"It's probably just as well." Jackie told her. "I was thinking about taking a vacation anyway."

"And going where?" Hyde asked.

Jackie didn't want to tell them about her plan to ask Red if she could tag along while he fished, so she shrugged and said, "No where, I was just thinking."

"You could always visit your mother in Mexico." Donna interjected.

"I don't think that's an option." Jackie replied as she watched her mother's ghost make faces at Donna's outfit. She shrugged, both as response to Donna and her mom.

"So, Donna, let's talk about you, how is that boyfriend of yours?"

Donna grinned and Jackie was instantly grateful to have the attention of her. "He said he's gotten a tan!" Donna told them all eagerly. Jackie only half listened as Donna told them all about Eric's last letter to her from Africa. Instead she found herself getting jealous. All she had wanted to do was move to two hours away and it tore her and Hyde apart. Eric moved to Africa and his relationship with Donna was stronger than ever. It just wasn't fair.

"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up."

Jackie stared at the date on the calendar and forced herself not to scream. There would be no cards today, no chocolates, no flowers or declarations of love. They wouldn't sit together on the couch and watch TV, his arm draped around her while she put her head on his chest. Her only company today was her mother, who technically wasn't even there.

"I still don't approve of Steven."

Jackie sighed. "Well, it doesn't really matter now, we're over."

Pam laughed. "No you're not."

Jackie glared at her mom's ghost. "Steven made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me."

"Oh, he loves you, Jackie." Pam stated as though it were common knowledge. "I can see it when he looks at you."

Jackie choked on a sob. "Even if that were true, it wouldn't change anything."

Her mother walked over to her and looked into Jackie's eyes. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"Yes!" Jackie shouted. "I talked, I begged, I pleaded. I did everything I could think of and you know what I got for it? A shrug!"

"Perhaps he just needed so time to think!"

Jackie shook her head. "Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be off, you know, being dead?"

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're okay." Pam told her.

Jackie sunk onto her couch.

"Jackie…"

Jackie sat up. "I know, don't slouch." She turned on the TV in the hopes that it would help tune out her mother's voice. She became so engrossed in the movie that she didn't hear Fez come in.

"Jackie!" He said excitedly. "I'm so glad you're here!"

"Really?" Jackie asked, Fez always knew how to make her feel good about herself.

"Yes." Fez answered. He then pulled her up from the couch. "Now, I need you to leave, I have a date tonight."

Jackie stared at her roommate dismayed. "A date?"

Fez nodded eagerly. "Yes, so you need to leave." He practically pushed Jackie out the door.

"But…"

He shoved her coat and purse at her. "There, now scram!" He slammed the door in her face.

Having nothing else to do, and no where else to go, this was how Jackie found herself in a funeral home looking at caskets.

"What is your budget?" The funeral director asked. He was young and would have been cute if it weren't for the fact that he was a funeral director. Jackie had a rule about dating anyone who touched dead people, mainly, don't.

"What did your mother like?"

"Open bars."

The director, Rick, looked at Jackie. "What?"

Jackie nodded. "Yes, I think that you could put her in anything and so long as you bury her with a bottle of tequila, she'd be happy." She resisted the urge to smirk at her mom.

"Uh, well, that's an odd request." Rick gulped nervously and then flipped the pages in funeral book. "What would you like her tombstone to say?"

"Pamela Burkhart, prettiest woman in Wisconsin!" Even dead, Pam had a gift for self flattery.

"Just her name and how long she lived." Jackie answered Rick. "Oh, and can you put something about how she abandoned me?"

"We charge by the letter."

"In that case, just put her name, she wouldn't want people to know how old she was anyway."

"My daughter, the cheapskate, I knew that boy was a bad influence on you."

Jackie had enough, so she stood up and thanked Rick. "My mother wants… wanted, something simple yet elegant, what do you have that's like that?"

"Uh, there's the king author package, where your loved one will be buried in the finest medieval regalia." Seeing Jackie's face, he continued, "Or uh, we have the Venetian style, where your mother could be buried in our finest bronze casket."

"I still say you should just bury her in a box with a bottle of Cuervo."

"How about a plain white casket with some calla lilies at the service?" Rick asked, clearly fed up with Jackie's lack of participation.

"Fine, that's good." Jackie said dismissively. She just wanted to get out of there.

"Uh, I'll go and uh, get your mother from the morgue, and uh, the funeral will be um, on Sunday."

"Good, now, do you guys sell cards?"

"Cards?" Rick asked confused.

"Yes, invitation cards, I need a way to let people know that she died."

"Uh, I think most people use the telephone."

Jackie sighed as she walked out the door.

"He was cute." Pam said as she followed Jackie.

"You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday."

The need to be around people who weren't dead or associated with death led Jackie to the basement. Unfortunately, with Fez on his date, Donna talking on the phone with Eric, and Kitty and Red had gone out to dinner; this left her with no other option but to hang out with Hyde.

No words could ever begin to describe how uncomfortable this was. There was nothing quite like spending the most romantic day of the year with the man who had dismissed their entire two year relationship with a shrug. They both sat on the opposite ends of the room while they both pretended to watch whatever was on the television. It could have been a show about pudding for all Jackie knew.

"So I hear Fez has a date tonight." Hyde said.

"Yeah."

"Did you check to make sure she wasn't inflatable?"

Jackie couldn't help but laugh. "No, I went and did some shopping instead." This wasn't technically a lie, so Jackie didn't feel bad about telling it. Also, she knew that the subject of her shopping bored him to near death, so he would drop the subject fast, which he did.

"Ah, that's cool."

There was yet another awkward silence between the two former lovers.

"Donna says that she hasn't seen much of you lately."

"I've been busy."

"Ah."

Jackie looked away from the screen. "Is there something you wanted to say to me?"

He shook his head. "No."

Jackie nodded curtly and turned back to the screen.

"You do realize that you're watching a show about golf right?"

Jackie put on a smile. "Oh, is that what this is? I love golf!"

"No, it's not golf." Hyde informed her. "It's a show about golf."

"It's fascinating." Jackie replied.

Hyde just laughed at her. "You're lying; you have no clue what you're watching."

Jackie sighed and mentally gave up. "Fine, I wasn't watching it."

Hyde stood up and turned the screen off and then sat down on the couch close to Jackie. She had been doing okay when he was on the other side of the room, but now he was much to close for comfort.

"You want to tell me what's wrong?"

"I've had a bad last couple of days." Jackie replied honestly. Her mother snorted on the couch. Jackie made a mental note to tell her mom to stop checking him out the next chance she got.

"You want to talk about it?" Hyde asked.

Jackie grinned sarcastically. "I would, but I don't think Mrs. Forman is available."

She watched with grim satisfaction as he sat back. Part of her felt guilty for throwing his own words in his face, but the other just wanted someone to feel as bad as she did.

"Whatever." He said after a long moment of staring at her. She expected him to go into his room and slam the door behind him, causing the rift between them to grow wider, but instead he just turned the TV back on and sat down in his chair. This only lasted about ten minutes however, because eventually, he did get up and go to his room. Jackie stared at his retreating frame for a minute before she turned the channel to an old black and white movie and lied down on the couch.

The next morning, she found herself covered in a blanket and the TV was off.

"I told you he still loved you."

Jackie felt the tears gathering in her eyes. "Shut up."

Continued in chapter 2.