Author's Note: Well, it's been a while since I wrote some sap, so my muses went on strike until I did. Hope y'all like it. ^_~ And it is common courtesy to review... (HINT HINT!!!)
Thalia: Don't you just LOVE her subtlety?
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. (Now ~there's~ a shocker) And I wrote this at 3:15 AM, so if there's a bunch of spelling errors, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm worried about him. He left for the mission a few hours ago. I wished him luck, and didn't say anything about how I had a nasty feeling I might never see him again. I get that feeling whenever one of us has a mission. I never say anything about it, either. It wouldn't do any good, and I'm sure he realizes that on his own. I wonder if he ever worries about me when I go off on missions.
I don't know how it happened, exactly. My falling for him, I mean. It's just happened that way. I'd never even been attracted to guys. But he's so completely different. I couldn't stop it. I'm just glad that he reciprocates. At least, I think he does. It's hard to tell, even now that I've been studying him for so long. Even now, when he allows me close, to touch him, kiss him. I'm certain in my emotions, but afraid of his.
I'm afraid that he doesn't really have any feelings for me. That I'm just some of the "stress relief" that they tried to brainwash us into thinking all sexual acts were. Yeah, I got fed the same lines that Heero did when he was in training. They tried to make us all believe that as soldiers we couldn't love anyone while on the battlefield, and that anything we initiated was mere physical lust caused by raging hormones. But unlike Heero, I hadn't been raised to killing on purpose. I knew what affection was, what love could be. I know how I feel. I'm afraid that he either can't feel, or won't recognize what he feels.
Also, there is Relena...
I wonder what goes on between those two. The way she follows him, the way he seeks her out. Each time he almost manages to kill her. But he never succeeds. And the way he says her name, in that soft, intense way... He's never said my name like that, not even in the throes of passion. How does he feel towards her? I won't think of her. She makes me feel vaguely ill, that she might have the power to take Heero from me. And it is a small comfort to know she's never had Heero in her arms, whispering her name coarsely for fear that if he said it any louder he might scream it as he climaxes...
She's never seen him naked, bathed in moonlight.
You know, in moonlight, he looks a lot less like a cold, unfeeling soldier. It makes his face seem... softer, more etheral, and the heavy brooding aura he radiates lifts minutely. He looks so achingly sad, though...
I wonder about him.
His mind... it's like and oyster. I'm just so great with similes, I know, but that's the best way I can explain. On the outside, he has a hard shell to keep himself separate from those he might be hurt by or have to hurt. But on the inside, he's so vulnerable and beautiful... Yeah, I know, I know. Heero Yuy, vulnerable? I didn't think it was possible either, until that night, when I saw him in the moonlight. He looked like a fallen angel.
Sometimes, despite the best efforts of the oyster, a tiny grain of sand will get past the shell. It's an irritant, and dangerous to the soft flesh of the oyster.
I think that's what I am. What Relena is. Hell, even what Zechs is. Somehow, we all made it past Heero's shell. He can't ignore any of us. His friend - lover? -, his mission, and his enemy.
The amazing thing about the oyster, though, is that it protect itself by changing the grain of sand into something beautiful. It coats it with mother-of-pearl, thus rendering it harmless.
That's what Heero does to people. His own heart, while tainted with war and buried deep inside, is so fragile that it can't handle the abrasions other people would give it. His first defense are the walls he builds between himself and the rest of humanity. But there are we few grains of sand who are lucky enought to get inside. And we see the beauty of Heero's heart and are changed by it.
God, I've got it bad. Lovesick moron that I am, getting all mushy and melodramatic. My point is, somehow, I've gotten to reach Heero. At least, I think I have. Maybe even in a way that matters. I hope.
I cut my reflections short as he enters our room. He doesn't appear hurt, and for that I am immensely relieved. He stands at the foot of my bed. Moonlight, faint now as the moon is waning and setting, splashes across his face as he stares at me.
"Ninmu kanryou?" I ask in a low tone, my voice catching in my throat at the soft look the silver illumination gives him.
"Hai," he respondes, then hesitates. Then, in a way that would have been uncertain had it not been so painstakingly deliberate, he comes to kneel beside my head. It's too dark for me to make out the expression on his face, but his breathing is different. I know how he breathes. I've stayed up nights, after lovemaking, just to hold him close. I would rest my head on his chest to hear his heart beat like a drum and rock softly in rhythm to his breaths. Now they come slightly faster and even more slightly irregular.
He is still uncertain how he feels about me. He doesn't know how to act towards me. He is frightened by all this, the giving of oneself, the bodily contact, the tumult of emothions his training is forcing him to control or repress. This is why it falls to me to make the first move.
I lean over the edge of the bed, bracing one hand on his shoulder for support in my precarious position. My other hand carefully, slowly reaches out to brush his bangsaway from his eyes. The smallest sigh escapes him, almost unnoticable, as I trail my fingertips down the side of his cheek, cupping it. My thumb strokes his lips, which part softly. I feel his warm breath on my hand.
"Duo..." he whispers in a barely audible voice, as if he's afraid of what he might be invoking. Maybe he is.
"Shh," I say. "Even ~I~ know that now is not a time for words."
Then I lean in and kiss him. It was meant to be gentle, but I was surprised by the fervor with which he returned it. Hot chills passed through my body, making me shudder slightly. God, he has such power over me. The bittersweet fire in his kisses, the melancholy need in the way he clings to me now as he crawls onto the bed beside me...
It is a long time before we are too tired to continue. We lay tangled together on my bed, sheets half on, and I feel chagrined. It seems I underestimated Heero. He took charge of the situation rather admirably. I smile a little to myself and watch as he drops off into slumber, exhausted by the day and his mission... and our activities, of course.
He pulls me closer in his sleep. I let myself be drawn into his shell. Maybe someday, I'll be his only pearl.
Thalia: Don't you just LOVE her subtlety?
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. (Now ~there's~ a shocker) And I wrote this at 3:15 AM, so if there's a bunch of spelling errors, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm worried about him. He left for the mission a few hours ago. I wished him luck, and didn't say anything about how I had a nasty feeling I might never see him again. I get that feeling whenever one of us has a mission. I never say anything about it, either. It wouldn't do any good, and I'm sure he realizes that on his own. I wonder if he ever worries about me when I go off on missions.
I don't know how it happened, exactly. My falling for him, I mean. It's just happened that way. I'd never even been attracted to guys. But he's so completely different. I couldn't stop it. I'm just glad that he reciprocates. At least, I think he does. It's hard to tell, even now that I've been studying him for so long. Even now, when he allows me close, to touch him, kiss him. I'm certain in my emotions, but afraid of his.
I'm afraid that he doesn't really have any feelings for me. That I'm just some of the "stress relief" that they tried to brainwash us into thinking all sexual acts were. Yeah, I got fed the same lines that Heero did when he was in training. They tried to make us all believe that as soldiers we couldn't love anyone while on the battlefield, and that anything we initiated was mere physical lust caused by raging hormones. But unlike Heero, I hadn't been raised to killing on purpose. I knew what affection was, what love could be. I know how I feel. I'm afraid that he either can't feel, or won't recognize what he feels.
Also, there is Relena...
I wonder what goes on between those two. The way she follows him, the way he seeks her out. Each time he almost manages to kill her. But he never succeeds. And the way he says her name, in that soft, intense way... He's never said my name like that, not even in the throes of passion. How does he feel towards her? I won't think of her. She makes me feel vaguely ill, that she might have the power to take Heero from me. And it is a small comfort to know she's never had Heero in her arms, whispering her name coarsely for fear that if he said it any louder he might scream it as he climaxes...
She's never seen him naked, bathed in moonlight.
You know, in moonlight, he looks a lot less like a cold, unfeeling soldier. It makes his face seem... softer, more etheral, and the heavy brooding aura he radiates lifts minutely. He looks so achingly sad, though...
I wonder about him.
His mind... it's like and oyster. I'm just so great with similes, I know, but that's the best way I can explain. On the outside, he has a hard shell to keep himself separate from those he might be hurt by or have to hurt. But on the inside, he's so vulnerable and beautiful... Yeah, I know, I know. Heero Yuy, vulnerable? I didn't think it was possible either, until that night, when I saw him in the moonlight. He looked like a fallen angel.
Sometimes, despite the best efforts of the oyster, a tiny grain of sand will get past the shell. It's an irritant, and dangerous to the soft flesh of the oyster.
I think that's what I am. What Relena is. Hell, even what Zechs is. Somehow, we all made it past Heero's shell. He can't ignore any of us. His friend - lover? -, his mission, and his enemy.
The amazing thing about the oyster, though, is that it protect itself by changing the grain of sand into something beautiful. It coats it with mother-of-pearl, thus rendering it harmless.
That's what Heero does to people. His own heart, while tainted with war and buried deep inside, is so fragile that it can't handle the abrasions other people would give it. His first defense are the walls he builds between himself and the rest of humanity. But there are we few grains of sand who are lucky enought to get inside. And we see the beauty of Heero's heart and are changed by it.
God, I've got it bad. Lovesick moron that I am, getting all mushy and melodramatic. My point is, somehow, I've gotten to reach Heero. At least, I think I have. Maybe even in a way that matters. I hope.
I cut my reflections short as he enters our room. He doesn't appear hurt, and for that I am immensely relieved. He stands at the foot of my bed. Moonlight, faint now as the moon is waning and setting, splashes across his face as he stares at me.
"Ninmu kanryou?" I ask in a low tone, my voice catching in my throat at the soft look the silver illumination gives him.
"Hai," he respondes, then hesitates. Then, in a way that would have been uncertain had it not been so painstakingly deliberate, he comes to kneel beside my head. It's too dark for me to make out the expression on his face, but his breathing is different. I know how he breathes. I've stayed up nights, after lovemaking, just to hold him close. I would rest my head on his chest to hear his heart beat like a drum and rock softly in rhythm to his breaths. Now they come slightly faster and even more slightly irregular.
He is still uncertain how he feels about me. He doesn't know how to act towards me. He is frightened by all this, the giving of oneself, the bodily contact, the tumult of emothions his training is forcing him to control or repress. This is why it falls to me to make the first move.
I lean over the edge of the bed, bracing one hand on his shoulder for support in my precarious position. My other hand carefully, slowly reaches out to brush his bangsaway from his eyes. The smallest sigh escapes him, almost unnoticable, as I trail my fingertips down the side of his cheek, cupping it. My thumb strokes his lips, which part softly. I feel his warm breath on my hand.
"Duo..." he whispers in a barely audible voice, as if he's afraid of what he might be invoking. Maybe he is.
"Shh," I say. "Even ~I~ know that now is not a time for words."
Then I lean in and kiss him. It was meant to be gentle, but I was surprised by the fervor with which he returned it. Hot chills passed through my body, making me shudder slightly. God, he has such power over me. The bittersweet fire in his kisses, the melancholy need in the way he clings to me now as he crawls onto the bed beside me...
It is a long time before we are too tired to continue. We lay tangled together on my bed, sheets half on, and I feel chagrined. It seems I underestimated Heero. He took charge of the situation rather admirably. I smile a little to myself and watch as he drops off into slumber, exhausted by the day and his mission... and our activities, of course.
He pulls me closer in his sleep. I let myself be drawn into his shell. Maybe someday, I'll be his only pearl.