Robin sits atop the Tower, deep in meditation and pondering things he ought not to. He will never tell Starfire of these things, as there are parts of a person that must remain hidden always. He considers the summer time, as women's legs escape their cloth prisons and swing freely, the knees like stars glimmering in the sky. Why does Starfire cover her legs except during her frequent and inexplicable bouts of random nudity? Does she not realize the ache of being denied this part of herself?
The fetish and lusty intent the Boy Wonder feels is a deep one - perhaps deeper even than his anger. During his youth, he became enamored with a woman's limbs, and this has haunted him throughout his life. The temptation to look downward instead of meeting a girl's eyes is intense and unyielding, though he never succumbs to this forbidden desire. How amazing would it be to stroke the silken appendages, to kiss and nibble them as his instincts suggest? Chief among the sacrifices a martial artist must embrace is the restraint of avoiding vice, and this is vice in its purest form.
The city pulses, heartbeats and the sweat of attractive young bodies. Robin is but a young man, and his libido must be kept in check just like every other man must. He welcomes the lust, welcomes the dispassionate passion of carnal connection. It keeps his mind off of what could have been, what can never be.
Thoughts flash, of his parents. They were so happy, and despite its triteness they really were so full of life. They rode the trapeze as if they were flying, and they always flew together. Until that fateful day, when Robin realized that he could never have what most men can. The price is an order of magnitude beyond even the strictest of martial arts lifestyles. The price of love, of family, or truly connecting to a woman that way beyond the physical.
Robin will never tell Starfire of his conquests. At one point or another, he had enjoyed the vast majority of the honorary Titans, a healthy smattering of their villainous opponents (ah, conjugal visits), and an endless string of nameless civilians. There was even that one night with Silkie... he cringes at the memory, of having to explain the back problems that caused for a few days. To this day, the little guy looks with an extra, hidden fondness toward the leader. So many lovers, so much lust, and yet so little connection.
A family of disconnected equals is fine, Robin muses. He could not have what Raven and Beast Boy have. He says something almost funny, she assaults him, they cuddle. The arrangement seems to work well enough for them. The intensity of the id meeting the openness of the super ego, and together they craft something that may last awhile... until they break up again. It's happened a lot, and will undoubtedly happen many more times. They lack nothing for love, but Raven could stand to take some anger management classes.
Breathing deeply and blanking his mind, Robin feels that inside himself there is a love as pure as any ever written about by the greatest poets. A hundred men could get laid like rock stars describing the unyielding desire he has for Starfire... Koriand'r. His exotic princess in the most literal sense. The fire of his life, and the one person he could never forgive himself for hurting. His brow tightens momentarily amid the light of the setting sun, orange as the skin he longs to meld with in lifelong passion.
There can be nothing but lust between Robin and Starfire, though no amount of training would make that feasible. With their first kiss, Robin became instantly smitten. With their second, he fell more deeply addicted than every Hollywood actor put together... even the ones that OD'd. Yes, all of them. Starfire is crystal meth wrapped in Corinthian leather and lit up like the doobie of legend. He dare not take a puff, lest he never be able to let her go. They may spend forever in one another's arms if he allowed himself to express his true feelings.
Some things just can't be.
The basic reason, the politically correct reason, is simple and straightforward. She's a princess of another world, and for all the wealth of the Wayne estate he's only a commoner. Despite the kind and respectful nature of her people, he could never be part of their culture. He could never expect her to give up her responsibilities and forsake the throne on his behalf. Robin is no king, and Starfire is so far from common that to even suggest such a thing makes him want to spit on himself.
The real reason, of course, is far less polite. On the inside, where Robin never points the way for anyone, he knows that to love in that sense, to try and build a family, is futile and leads only to pain. His parents tried, and they failed. Batman tried, and he failed. The Graysons were not superheroes, but Robin's choice of profession made the impossible even moreso. To try and fight the tide was to invite an early grave and the mourning of one's children.
People thought that Robin was totally ruthless, and he allowed this impression, however mistaken it may be. When they consider you ruthless, they cross you far less often and think far longer of it when they might do so. But Robin could not bring himself to cause harm to a child, to make them cry the endless nights as he has. Tears gather behind his lidded eyes at the memory of how his parents' death still haunts him years later. The memory is strong, and it fills his gut with a vile, sickly ache. After a long enough time, it actually feels good, reassuring. It is a dark place that tempts Robin with each deepening breath, to give in to the anger and do as the criminals do, only better. The temptation to hurt, as he has hurt, is so strong it brings tears of mutual pain and joy at the sheer beauty of this pain. Tears gather behind his lidded eyes and he flutters them back - hardly appropriate.
To embrace what he can have with Kori may never happen, Robin reminds himself. His mantra is to be disconnected, to shield his heart with his head, his gut, his fists and feet. To combat the feelings is to define himself through the one thing he can really do in life - fight. The anger, the bitterness make him strong, push him to bang boards with gods and metas that he would otherwise have no business trifling with. The mantra that there must be distance continues as the sun slips beneath the horizon. The three levels of dusk begin, with each casting a deeper blue upon the sky.
When blue becomes black, Robin is in his element. By day, people call his costume silly and consider him a laughing stock unless he's actively beating them at that moment. By night, the entire equation changes, as the darkness swallows up all but the brooding masked eyes of justice... of separation. The separation must continue, must always continue to keep the pain in its place. Strength must rule all else, for surrender will beget only the pain of others.
Sharpened senses detect a movement of air within the hallway behind Robin. This could be the fight that ends his life - no regrets. He waits, a predator at rest, a coiled spring ready to leap. "Robin?" The voice as the door opens rolls like the richest chocolate in the hottest fondue fountain, laced with untold sweetness and... separate by need. His mind says, 'Go away, Starfire. Leave a bitter man with his bitterness.' His heart cries out, 'Hold me, Starfire. I don't care if you crush my bones, just leave me intact enough to stand with you and I will never complain.' His fists clench, and release. He will not hurt her, despite the fact that he could. For all her strength, all her powers, he knows that he is her greatest weakness in this universe.
"Yes, Star?" She approaches, and he must focus his breath to keep his heart from racing. She always had this effect on him - from the first time they met. Although, technically that first meeting was a pulse-pounding fight where she tried to kill him. The feeling remains the same, and he doesn't make eye contact.
"It is the lovely night, is it not?" Her voice flows like warm honey, a slight lilt that feels intended for him alone. Everything in him wants to listen to her speak constantly, wants to feel her in his arms and dancing on his eardrums at once. She can chatter all she likes, and that part of him would soak it up. But that just leads to more temptation, more pain.
"It's a night full of crime and death," he responds pleasantly, no trace of irony in his voice and little likelihood she'll get the dry humor. "We will protect each other, then," she smiles. "Let us go and have the date," her eyes twinkling. "Maybe later," he returns, standing up to walk away. "I have a lot to do." She won't accept this tonight, and grabs Robin's hand. He isn't going anywhere for the time being, and her warmth travels up his wrist on a field of lightning from where she touches him.
"You will not deny me any longer," she pouts, aggression and sadness taking turns on her face. "We are to be more than friends, complete with meals, walks, talking about feelings and floral arrangements." A part of him smiles and agrees heartily to all of these stipulations. But another part is more adamant about declining. "Starfire, we can't."
"Why cannot we? I have seen how you look at me, and my people are very good at reading the feelings of others." Her confidence is resolute, the resolution that only love can provide. "It isn't about feelings now, it's about the feelings that come later." He is sheepish, not wanting to talk about this. "The feelings that come later on will likely be even better," she counters, moving close to him.
"No they won't. Don't you get it? We need to just stay friends. We're good at that, and it's comfortable. And no one's gonna get hurt that way." Her expression changes to somewhere between 'crushed soul' and 'trying not to commit murder.' "You are mistaken," she begins to sob, "for I am already hurting. I hurt for not having you!" Tears are already streaming down her face, and the joy his skin feels where she touches him is being replaced by pain as she squeezes... way too hard. He, too, winces in pain.
"You know we could never have anything real," he reassures through an agonized expression. "It might be fun for awhile, but we're not even the same species. It'd never work," he tries to reason with her. "I do not care," she shouts at him with enough force to nearly take him off his feet. "It is clear you love me, and I could not love you more for all the Zorka berries and mustard in the universe." That's quite a statement of devotion - Star loves herself some Zorka berries. Covering them in mustard... wow.
His resolve is crumbling. He doesn't want to feel what he feels - what they share. He doesn't want to put himself in danger of being hurt, of hurting the innocent, or hurting her. But this time want must surrender to need - he needs what she has to offer, just as she needs him.
"Damnit, Kori..." he begins, moving close and wrapping his other arm around her. "I don't want this, not a damn bit," he grits his teeth, lip trembling slightly. "But it's not about want, is it? I just hope -"
Her kiss silences him for the rest of the night. They stand there holding each other, needing to say nothing at all, until the dawn breaks.
The End