The Great Revolutionary War
"Gather 'round, men," Soldier said. It was time for the weekly tradition of the mercs ever since the teams united in face of the robot menace. Soldier always told insane ramblings, but at least they were entertaining. So all the mercs in Teufort (as TF2 fanfics are wont to take place in) gathered around the campfire on the bridge.
"This time, I will be giving every one of you simple minded maggot scum the history lesson of America! These latest promotionals, from Japan, the holy land of Sun Tzu, they got the story right!"
So he began, and everyone listened intently.
"Long ago was America founded by Sun Tzu. Everyone lived happily, and they were a bunch of spineless, sissy weenies! They all got along so well, that, eventually, when the evil cannibalistic communist Redcoat army, which consisted of purely Englishmen and nothing else (Demoman completely missed this) arrived, they were nothing like their oh so great founder! None of them knew how to make war, and so Emperor the Terrible King Evil the Third began the most brutal and unfree despotic dictatorship EVER!
Soldier began a slideshow. King Evil was shown to be flaying the skin of a tortured man's body.
"Every day the Redcoats would rove through the countryside, terrorizing and slaughtering innocent and brave Americans in the bame of King Evil's thousand year reign of blood! (actually 992, but 1000 sounds more foreboding). And one day, they had enough! They revolted! George Washington, a well known and brilliant military general saw this as the chance he finally needed. For many suns and moons he had waited, but he knew the Americans had to be ready to do it themselves!
"So, even with his awesome powers, he realized he still needed some help. He called together the Founding Fathers, and they were to lead the Grand Army of the Republic which he had organized!
The slideshow changed to Washington, dual wielding shotguns; Franklin, with lightning sparks flying off his hands; Paine, with a blazing pen firing a laser; Lincoln with a machine gun for his right hand; Adams with robotic gunslinger arms; Batman holding a sword.
"And on a cold winter day, Washington felt he was finally prepared enough to face down the Red Menace! He gathered his bravest and most loyal soldiers, and directed everyone else to launch the Great Boston Tea Party. The Bostonians, though mostly useless bastards (hey! the Scout yelled) got this right and swarmed over the English navy.
Soldier pointed to the slideshow, this time with a sketch of hundreds of Scouts swarming and batting. In the foreground were preparations of some sort.
"With this distraction, Washington and the Founding Fathers sailed straight across the Pacific, avoiding the incompetent patrols by the Russian running dogs who followed the Great Red Devil in London (hey! the Heavy yelled) and landing right in Antarctica
"You see, with Washington's genius, they could see they were no match for Evil. So they took the roundabout way, and crossed the Alps in a sneak motorcycle raid!
Now pictured was Washington holding a lightsaber slashing at the Basij- National Revolutionary Space Conqueror Army- 52nd Foot Guard of Iran- North Korea- England, the tripartite of evil's, projectiles in one hand, and throwing cherry bombs chopped straight from the Sacred Cherry Tree of America (this is where the name came from for the explosives) while yelling to the Allied pilots to "drive him closer" so he could "hit them with his sword". Trailing behind him was the huge mobile fortress of the Patriot army, unleashing hell through massive cannons and missiles.
"And so we descended on the Parliament and BURNED IT TO THE GROUND THE WAY REAL MEN DO to announce the start of the Great Revolutionary War
"19 long, hard years of grueling years of warfare which saw the development of mecha walkers, cheap laser and machine gun weaponry, combined arms doctrine, the return of Sun Tzu, an orbital necklace of kill-sats, prodiguous deployment of nuclear weapons, Agent Orange, self replicating gray goo von Neumann corpse harvesting machines, and a death toll of over 900 million.
Various scenes were displayed on the slideshow, from a very fat masked man being "totoaweely pwnt" (hey! the Pyro yelled) and a map of Francis the Talking Francis twirling his moustache and moaning while telling England to "give it to him" (the Spy merely stroked his chin and raised an eyebrow)
"Then came year 20. Both sides were exhausted, and they sought to tip the scales in whatever way. Word came to the nation that the accursed Redcoats were fueling a giant ray gun to destroy the glorious democracy we were with their own bodies. Like cowards, to escape, King Evil was sending his own men to sacrifice themselves to get the machine going.
"So, with amble bodies provided by the PATRIOT Act passed by Great El Presidente Dictator of North America Dubya the Great, we launched Operation Desert Ocean and built our own Tree of Liberty bot. We stormed right across to confront the Reds, but not before we crushed the feckless rebellion of those lazy Texans in the Third War of the Omani Lindi Concession! (hey! Engineer yelled).
The picture now showed a giant mecha with a huge American flag emblazoned across it burning down a pitiful collection of huts labeled Texas.
"In the Second Battle of Yorktown-Bull Run-Sans Studios, the Americans confronted the evil ray gun fort mounted on the Englandss Englandland. On the way, both completely demolished the German High Seas Fleet without even thinking, as they blocked the path to the battle (hey! the Medic yelled)
It now showed both the UK and the US going out of their way to dismember Germany.
"So the battle began, and England made sure to jettison the fake, totally useless northern part on its landmass (once again Demoman missed this, though this time he muttered "huh? wot?" drunkenly) as well as that big island that has nothing useful on it (hey! the Sniper yelled)-"
But then suddenly their story was interrupted. Saxton Hale punched straight through the roof, looked down on the bridge, and pointed accusingly at them. "ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU SAID THAT?"
"I DID, YOU MAGGOT!" Soldier assumed his guard. "DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?" Saxton Hale punched him and he went straight through the RED base's wall. "ANYONE ELSE OBJECT TO AUSTRALIA THEN?"
Heavy calmly raised his hand. "YOU? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?"
"Let us fight, like men. Poot fist up."
Heavy wailed into Saxton, and it looked he might have hurt him for a second. The big Australian was down on the ground, but he came up, laughing. "Good, good. Now that's the spirit." He cracked his knuckles before upper-cutting Heavy past the fences.
Sniper tapped Saxton on the shoulder then. "Now, now mate. No worries. How about we do this a better way?" (He had in mind going 5 miles and then shooting him).
"HA!" Saxton snorted. "You may be Australian but you aren't half the man I am. Let's hear what you got in mind though."
And so now the mercs stood, in a time outside their jobs, weapons at the ready. They ran outside shouting their usual battle cries from the RED spawn.
Saxton defied gravity, yelling "brave jump!" and was over from the BLU battlements to RED's in a moment.
He killed Sniper by landing right on him, though he did not take him completely by surprise, as the other Australian had gotten off a few SMG rounds. Right next to him was the Soldier, who fired 3 rockets before killing himself with the fourth. Similarly, Heavy expended $20,000 worth of bullets before Saxton killed him with 2 punches shouting "you just got signed Saxton Hale's fists!" Medic was right behind him, and annoying dodged, stabbed, and Ubered. Saxton furiously grabbed Medic, held him down, and slammed him against a wall and bashed his head in once the invulnerability wore out, all while tanking hits from the Demo and Scout.
Demoman charged foward, hacked and slashed ineffectively while Saxton laughed it off with a "hawh hawh hawh". His fist impacted against the shield propeling him backwards while destroying the flimsy wooden thing. Demo reacted quickly and laid down several stickies. He used this as leverage and moved trickily around it. Scout continued peppering him in an annoying manner.
Eventually, Saxton just ran straight them. Demoman blew him sky high, but Saxton used his ability in the air to slam back down, scoring the second kill with his feet. The annoying fast one, the Scout, knocked Saxton back with his Force a Nature. He spanked himself and ran off across the corner. Saxton sprinted after him.
"You may be fast but you can't-" He was interrupted as the Scout shot a ball into his face, dazing him momentarily. Then the Spy, who had been lying in wait, stabbed him right in the back and into the spine. "Feels like a razor!" Saxton said as he turned and pulverized Spy with a supersonic blow.
Scout continued running, and Saxton followed some more. This time, there was a Sentry around the corner. The gun fired missiles and bullets as fast it could, but Saxton soaked it up. He jumped toward it, but the Pyro pushed him back. Saxton tried again, and this time used all the knockback to launch himself into the surprised Scout, who got a Force a Nature blast in just as Saxton killed him.
With that Force a Nature knockback he was back at the Sentry and destroyed it with a body slam, along with the waiting Pyro.
But now where was that sneaky Texan? He turned the corner to go down the staircase to RED's intel found himself facing down the barrels of a glowing gun. Without words, the hard hat unleashed the clip on Saxton. Though it had initially taken him by surprised, he recovered.
"Maybe you should buy a better weapon at Mann Co!" Saxton shouted before braining the Engineer.
After everyone had managed to get their spines properly placed again, made up for all the blood loss, and psychologically recovered, no one felt like finishing the story.