River picked up her communications device and tapped her fingers lithely across the key pad, entering an eleven digit number and pausing as she waited for an established connection. It was six thirty in the morning, and she was prepared for a lot of yelling, from her partners in crime, but it had to be today, it had to be now. There were just so many things to do, traps to set, people to disengage, and she needed their help. River was always careful to be honest with herself; she knew what she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Today, she was going to commandeer the TARDIS, and she was going to take all of the Doctor's companions with her. A girls-only trip around the universe was the perfect way to spend a day she felt. It wasn't just a decision she made on a whim, you understand; she had been planning to get one over on the Doctor for months. After all, he ran off after their wedding, and she decided that day, that after biding her time, she'd get her own back.
The phone connected and the weary voice of Rose Tyler carried to River's ear;
"Hello?" she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.
"Morning, Blondie," River smirked and propped the device up against the shelf as she fluffed up her hair in the nearby mirror. Rose frowned and yawned as she ran her hands over her face, in an attempt to rub the sleep away from her bleary eyes.
"Oh, it's you," she said somewhat bluntly, and paused a second;
"Is it today?" she added as she begrudgingly climbed out of the warm cocoon of her duvet cover. River rolled her eyes and smiled a little at her reaction and smoothed a lip gloss stick across her lips as she spoke:
"Yes to both of those questions. I need you to get you know who out of the way, well…that's part of it anyway. Do you have a plan yet?" she licked her lips to smooth the reddish gloss evenly.
"It's six-thirty in the morning. What do you think?" Rose rolled her eyes and sighed, realising River couldn't see her.
"I think you're not a morning person," River chuckled in the contagious way she usually did and slipped on a jacket.
"Get ready Blondie, I'm coming to get you," River smirked and hung up the phone before Rose could protest. She gave an irritated groan and threw her phone nonchalantly onto the bed. She stripped off her pajama shorts and vest, and put on her silk robe, making her way into the bathroom.
River walked out of her temporary apartment and looked around the quiet street. It was the height of summer, and so the sun was lighting up the sky already, even as most people were still sound asleep. She stepped down the concrete steps and through the wrought iron garden gate, and into the street before her. She flicked her eyes to the left, as the sound of what turned out to be a navy blue, estate four-door car, turned onto Grapeseed Avenue. River stepped out in front of the car and casually looked ahead, as the driver beeped, gesturing wildly for her to move. He pulled the car to a stop, and got out, jumping up and down like a scalded flea;
"Are you out of your mind?! What are you doing?" he was shorter than River by several inches, a bald imp of a man, and River's smile spread.
"Hello sweetie," she smiled wider, and pulled the collard of the man's jacket, kissing him on the lips as he protested angrily, although not for long. As she had put on her make-up that morning, River had ensured her lipstick was the hallucinogenic kind. He lost consciousness after a few seconds, and River let him go, cringing at the thought of kissing this man.
"Well, you have to kiss a few frogs to get ahead in life, I suppose," she uttered to herself and chuckled, climbing into the car, and readjusting the seat to her comfort. "Hmm, not bad," she fiddled with the radio until she found something with a bit more edge;
"Well now that's more like it," she smiled and shook her head of curls, smoothing them down and putting her communications device into the hands-free kit. She pulled the door shut and placed the metal plug of the seatbelt into its hope and wound down the windows, as she started the ignition. She deftly tapped in the next number on her list and hit the call button. Martha Jones answered in record time;
"Hello, this is Martha," she sounded bright and sprightly for such an early time.
"Well hello to you too, Pineapple!" River chirped as she kept her eyes on the road.
"I wish you wouldn't call me that," Martha sighed and shook her head.
"Change your hair then," River chuckled and turned a corner.
"Right, well if you're calling, I'm guessing it means that it's today?" Martha continued rearranging the tins in her cupboard, putting her phone on the kitchen counter, and putting River on speakerphone.
"Bingo! Have you spoken to Blondie about getting Pretty Boy out of the TARDIS?" she pulled to a stop as the traffic lights turned red.
"I take it you mean Rose? Yeah, I asked her about it but we've only got two ideas, and they're not exactly fool-proof. You know how much he loves that bloody box," Martha rolled her eyes and stepped up onto a chair to reach the back of the cabinet to clean it.
"Well, fill me in when we're all together, I'm on my way," River pulled over as she hung up the phone, she's opened the glove box, and found a Mars bar.
"Hello sweetie," she smiled her eyes aglow as she took a bite, before making her next phone call. This was the one she was dreading making the most. She dialled, as the clock on the dashboard changed to six-forty-eight.
"Do you have any idea what bloody time it is?" the irritated voice of Donna Noble cut River off before she even started.
"Lion-Heart! You're awake!" she bit her lip so as not to laugh, and antagonise her further.
"Well I am NOW!" she pouted and put a pillow over her face. She mumbled the next part of her sentence;
"Do I have to deal with Spaceman this early? Or are you trying to annoy me?"
River chuckled and took the device off hands-free and continued;
"Now why would I want to do that?" she bit her lip once more as she added;
"It's always better to get a jump on the day, don't you think? Anyway, I'll be by in the next half an hour to get you, I'll need you to be bright eyed, bushy –tailed and ready for anything," she added, a self-confessed provocateur, River knew it was not wise to give sass to a girl who could melt your very soul with one withering look.
"Well isn't that wizard?" Donna glowered at the phone as she bit back;
"You expect too much, don't you have all the answers holed up in all that hair?"
River laughed out loud and shook her head;
"Sadly not, oh but I have missed our jousting! See you soon," she hung up the device, and re-started the car.
"Three down, two to go," she mused to herself and dialled a familiar number and waited, the device now securely back in the hands-free nest. After five or so rings, she heard a familiar voice;
"You've left home, stop calling us," Amy spoke bluntly. River could hear Rory mumble in the background. Amy presumably covered the phone in a poor attempt to conceal her words;
"It's our darling daughter. Again." River smiled knowingly and waited for her mother to return to the phone.
"What is it this time?" she sighed softly and rubbed her eyes, gasping at the sight of her hair, stuck wildly out at all angles.
"Today's the day Mummy Dearest," her grin widened and she gently brought the car to a stop in the Powell Estate.
"Oh, you need us to take care of Raggedy Man, I see. That could be difficult," she paused.
"Oh? And why would that be?" River asked, but felt she already had an answer.
"Rory and I are…busy," she spoke vaguely, doing a poor job of masking her intensions.
"I see, busy, doing what exactly?" River asked, again knowing what she would likely hear as a response.
"You know…stuff," she whispered something incoherent to Rory and then giggled;
"Stop it!" River put her palm to her forehead;
"You can play Doctors and Nurses later, right now I need you to distract THE Doctor," she sighed only half seriously.
"He's your husband, you do it," Amy pouted and swatted Rory with her hand as he tried to kiss her.
"And you think he'll choose today to start listening to me, do you?" she rolled her eyes as she spoke. She heard scuffling as the phone switched hands on the other end. She heard Rory's voice on the line;
"II don't see why I have to help, I'm not allowed to go," he huffed and Amy laughed in the background.
"I'm sorry, did you want be the only man surrounded by women talking about shoes and men?" River tried not to laugh;
"And that will be different from being around you and Amy how?" he added with conviction.
"True, River nodded and laughed slightly;
"Do you really want to come Daddy Dearest?"
"No, and don't call me that!" he huffed and handed the phone back to Amy;
"He's sulking now," she giggled and stretched her arms behind her head and brought the phone back to her ear;
"Did you get the chatroom sorted out? Both forums? I'm sure I can lure the Doctor online if he can figure out his password," she laughed at the irony of the Doctor being one of the smartest men she had ever met, yet he always had trouble with passwords and email.
"Yes, all sorted out, you all should have had an email from me by now with your usernames and passwords; yes, Dad has one too, he'll be thrilled I'm sure. I've even managed to get The Master in on this!" River twitched a smile.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? He might try and-"
River interrupted her;
"It's all taken care of, not to worry, he knows what I'll do to him if he does anything bad," she chuckled at the thought of the Master being dropped into a time vortex, where the music of Justin Beiber played continuously on a loop for all of time.
"Wait, did you threaten him with the Justin Beiber time lock? Please say yes," Amy giggled as River confirmed that she had.
"He said he's prefer the sound of drums, and that he would behave," River chuckled.
"What's your ETA then, Malone?" Amy smirked as she used her daughter's code name, getting more into the spirit of things as she woke up.
"I'm on the Powell Estate, about to pick up Blondie, then I'll head for Pineapple and Lion Heart, and then on to you two, before we all grab Enigma," she ran through the list in her head, checking she hadn't missed anything. I'll keep you updated in the chatroom, so keep your iPad charged up and on loud," River added, and said her goodbyes before hanging up the phone.
River opened the car door, and undid her seatbelt. She slid one heeled shoe out of the car, and onto the dull, grey concrete. She pulled herself gracefully out of the car and closed the door behind her. Ash she locked it, she eyed up the towering blocks of flats above her and scanned for the door's intercom-protected entrance. She walked across the car park, to the wolf whistles of a group of builders who were working on the scaffolding nearby and she smiled and rolled her eyes; grateful for the attention but also marred by the sheer lechery of it. She lifted a manicured hand, and pressed the number four key with her maroon-coloured nail.
"Hello?" Rose's voice appeared garbled by the intercom's grainy delivery system.
"Ready to go, Blondie?" River asked, leaning nonchalantly against the main doorway, as she studied her nails for chips and cracks in the fine polish.
"Almost, give me a minute, I'll be right down," Rose replied, and let her finger release the button. No more that two minutes later she appeared in the doorway, dressed casually, and carrying a blue handbag, with a silver clasp.
"That was two minutes," River smirked and pushed herself up from her leaning post and turned to face Rose.
"Well I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to actually time me," she tutted and rolled her eyes. She was wearing a simple purple, blue and pink blouse, which was moderately low-cut, tight fitting blue jeans, and trainers. Her hair hung loose but was straightened and the vaguest scent of lavender surrounded the air around it. Her make up was subtly done, her lips glossed in a pinkish hue, her eye shadow was pale gold, her cheeks only lightly rouged. She looked causal, but no less beautiful.
"Where did you get that?" Rose pointed to the estate car, a perplexed look on her face.
"A very nice gentleman gave it to me," River winked and unlocked the doors, and jumped into the front seat.
"You stole it, didn't you?" Rose put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes, before jumping into the front seat next to River.
"Stole is such an ugly word," River frowned, her mouth cringing as if she didn't like the taste of the word.
"I prefer commandeered," she grinned smugly. Rose rolled her eyes;
"How'd you do it?" she clipped her seatbelt into place and turned to River, her head resting on her propped up hand.
"Hallucinogenic lipstick of course," she grinned and showed Rose a small gold-coloured tube.
"What on Earth?" Rose's mouth gaped open in shock;
"Does that really work?" she asked dumbfounded.
"You're sitting in the proof, sweetie. Now, we have lots to do, so we have to get going."
River tapped in Martha's address and started up the engine once again. Before she left she logged onto her tablet, and logged into the chatroom she had created as a communication field for everyone concerned. She had carefully constructed a web of forums inside the chatroom; one for the conspirators, one for everyone. She logged into the one she had aptly named Partners In Crime, ans sent out a bulletin message to all members.
*WellHelloSweetie is now online.*
WellHelloSweetie says: Hello my wonderful partners in crime! I'm testing out the chatroom to see how it works, when you're online and you get this, just zap a quick message back to me to let me know you can see this. The Doctor(s) can't see this chat link; only I, and my co-conspirators (you lot). I'll test the hidden chat in a moment. I've just picked up Blondie, she's in the car next to me. Much love; River 'Malone' Song.
*JustSayItDoctor is now online*
JustSayItDoctor says: Heyyyy :) see you soon!
*FriendzonedAgain is now online*
FriendzonedAgain says: Hurry up already! Been up for hours! LOL
*SassyEarthGirl is now online*
SassyEarthGirl says: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it works, I need my coffee before I talk to any of you lot again.:L
*SassyEarthGirl is now offline*
JustSayItDoctor says: What's her problem?
WellHelloSweetie says: Sexual frustration?
FriendzonedAgain: HAHAHA!
WellHelloSweetie says: :P
JustSayItDoctor says: ROFL
*RorysGingerBiscuit is now online*
RorysGingerBiscuit says: What's funny? Who are we laughing at?
WellHelloSweetie says: ^ Look up.
RorysGingerBiscuit says: Hahaha aw poor Lion-Heart xD
*IWaited2000YearsWhatIsYOLO is now online*
IWaited2000YearsWhatIsYOLO says: Amy, can you come and clean your hair out of the drain please?
RorysGingerBiscuit says: You're stood right next to me, you couldn't say that out loud?
IWaited2000YearsWhatIsYOLO says: I could, but then I'd have to think of something else to say to prove that this thing works.
RorysGingerBiscuit says: Urgh fiiiiine *eyeroll* Later ladies.
*RorysGingerBiscuit is now offline* *IWaited2000YearsWhatIsYOLO is now offline*
*TheNewCasanova is now online* *LovableRogueFromGallifrey is now online*
TheNewCasanova says: Well hello there ladies ;)
WellHelloSweetie says: Hello sweetie :P
JustSayItDoctor says: JAAAAACK :D
TheNewCasanova says: ROOOOSE! :D Where's Martha and Donna?
FriendzonedAgain says: Heeeeeere, Donna is getting her coffee so she can 'tolerate' us hahaha
TheNewCasanova says: She needs some lovin' from Jack :P
FriendzonedAgain says: Look up lol
TheNewCasanova says: LMAO so true. Anyways, gotta run, I'll meet y'all at the cafe later!
*TheNewCasanova is now offline*
LovableRogueFromGallifrey says: Are you sure I can't kill him?
JustSayItDoctor says: OMG seriously?
FriendzonedAgain says: Why is he even here?
JustSayItDoctor says: ^THIS
WellHelloSweetie says: No you can't and we need his help.
LovableRogueFromGallifrey says: Trolololololol xD
*LovableRogueFromGallifrey is now offline*
River tapped her fingers across the keyboard and switched to the other chatroom, so she could check up on the two versions of the Doctor she knew and loved.
*WellHelloSweetie is now online*
WellHelloSweetie says: Doctor?
*SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt is now online*
SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt says: River Song!
WellHelloSweetie says: Yes indeed :D
*12JammyDodgersAndAFez is now online*
12JammyDodgersAndAFez says: Is it on? Hello?
SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt says: Yes, it's on lolz.
WellHelloSweetie says: Yes darling, you're live :P
12JammyDodgersAndAFez says: Marvelous! Why are we doing this again?
WellHelloSweetie says: To keep in touch like NORMAL people do.
SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt says: OMG, BRB, TARDIS IS ON FIRE!
12JammyDodgersAndAFez says: He's so flipping careless!
SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt says: STFU, :(
12JammyDodgersAndAFez says: Nope, shan't!
SaltSaltIWasMimingSalt syas: Lol whatever! Allons-y!
*SaltSaltIWasMiming Salt is now offline*
WellHelloSweetie says: I gtg but talk soon darling mwah! Xxxx
*12JammyDodgersAndAFez is now offline* *WellHelloSweetie is now offline*
As she switched back to the previous chat, an IM popped up from the only person River was waiting to hear from; Clara Oswald.
*NotADalek is now online*
NotADalek says: Why am I ALWAYS the last to know EVERYTHING?
WellHelloSweetie says: I was about to call you.
NotADalek says: Suuuure. So what's happening?
WellHelloSweetie says: Meet at the Garden Gate cafe 8:30, could pick you up but you may have to sit in boot.
NotADalek says: Been trapped in a Dalek casing, am used to small spaces. Fine by me!
WellHelloSweetie says: Right! On my way now then! Cya soon. Mwah xxx
*WellHelloSweetie is now offline* *NotADalek is now offline* *JustSayItDoctor is now offline* *FriendzonedAgain is now offline*
River closed up her tablet, sliding it into her purse, behind the chair and started to drive the fifteen minute journey to the house of Martha Jones.