Author's Note: If I owned either of these shows, I wouldn't be writing fanfictions of them. Now read this and review it. This is my first fanfic. Please review. You don't even have to read it, actually. Just lie and say you did, then give me fake feedback. Make me feel awesome? Also, I solemnly swear that my next chapter will be a lot more fun. It's exposition. Don't blame me.

COUER d'COUERS

Alissa Reynolds was twenty-eight years, three months, two days, ninety-seven minutes and thirteen seconds old, and not a moment older. She smiled at her husband, Daniel, who was thirty years, five months, twenty-seven days, two hundred and six minutes and forty-five seconds old as they walked down the busy street. They had each typed their birthdays as coordinates into their cars GPS and driven to that spot in the hopes that it was not in the ocean or in Venezuela, as Daniel was no longer allowed within the limits of that country. The couple walked hand-in-hand down the street, and stopped on a street corner, with the moonlight playing off of their faces.

"I love you, Liss," Dan whispered, then leaned forward to kiss her, brushing her dark hair out of her face.

Alissa would have responded, but she found herself quite distracted by the man holding a gun to her head. "You want her to live, you're coming with me," he said brusquely to Dan. Dan paled, blue eyes bugging out in shock. "Let's go," he warned, then, when Dan did not respond, pulled out a small knife from his pocket with the hand he had wrapped around Alissa. "Do you really need me to threaten with two weapons?"

Dan decided quickly. He stepped forward, to the car that obviously belonged to the killer… and tried to wrench the gun from his hands. It went off with a loud bang, though not nearly as loud as either of the happy couple would have hoped. The man hit Daniel in the face with an elbow, knocking him down, and stabbed Alissa in the side, hard. She began to scream. "Shut up or he dies," he said, now pointing his gun to Dan. She consented, but was shaking from pain. He quickly picked up both lovers and threw them into his car trunk, locking it. Then he reached into his car and pulled out the bodies of his two last victims, pathetic as they were, and drove off.

Alissa Reynolds was twenty-eight years, three months, two days, ninety-eight minutes and fifty-seven seconds old. Her husband, Dan Reynolds, was thirty years, five months, twenty-seven days, two hundred and eight minutes and twenty-nine seconds old, and neither of them knew if they would get a chance to be a second older.

Three stories above, Charlotte Charles had seen nearly everything. The woman had been watching Ned, the pie baker whom she had had her first kiss with, sleeping on the couch until she had realized that maybe that would look slightly obsessive. With that thought, she had quickly turned to see the view outside of the window. She had been admiring the love story going on on the pavement below until she saw the gunman. That was when her thoughts changed from those of herself and Ned to those of panic and the need to call the police. However, calling the police would not be the best idea on her part, because she had been murdered a year before. Instead of taking action, she frantically called for Ned.

Ned the pie-baker was not asleep. He had woken up at the exact moment Chuck had turned towards the window. The pie baker was watching her look out the window, amazed that he could be so lucky as to still have his childhood sweetheart with him, until he had realized that maybe his watching her all the time was starting to look slightly obsessive. Then he had pretended to fall asleep again, watching her through squinted eyes. However, Chuck's panic got his attention very quickly, as did the sound of the gunshot that immediately followed it. "What is it?" he asked. Ned jumped up and ran towards the window, tripping on the extension cord of the lamp on the way there.

He would have fallen straight into the auburn-haired woman if his dog, Digby, hadn't been standing next to her and hadn't had the good sense to pull her away. Both the pie maker and the previously dead girl stared in open-mouthed horror at each other. "Good boy, Digby," Chuck finally said, giving the dog the hug that Ned himself could not. Digby, in return, licked the woman on the face, which Ned could not do, because his Master always did seem very sad that he could not touch the happy one, and the happy one always tasted like honey.

The tall man got up, mentally berating himself for not being more careful. "I'm sorry," he said pleadingly as a scream tore the night. He got up, remembering why he had almost caused Chuck's second death. How could he be so stupid? Chuck would only stay alive so long as he did not touch her, since his touch had been what brought her to life again. How could he endanger her second life again?

As the pie baker drenched himself in self-loathing combined with slight panic over what was going on outside, Chuck was watching the killer exchange living for dead victims. "Apologize later, Ned. I think the killer's back," she said with fear. "And I just witnessed his last kidnapping."

Ned went to the window. The car had already driven off, leaving two bodies directly in front of his shop. "Oh, that can't be good," he said in an attempt to keep himself from hyperventilating.

It did not work.

QUANTICO, VIRGINIA

The seven members of the BAU were seated around the conference room table, looking at Jennifer Jareau, fondly called "JJ" by her fellow, to begin briefing them on the new case. JJ passed out the files, picked up the remote to the screen behind her, and began speaking.

"Yesterday at midnight in Couer d'Couers, a local man witnessed the abduction of a young couple from the third story window over his bakery." JJ clicked her pointer, showing a picture of the crime scene in question. It was a corner store, shaped like a giant pie with the words 'The Pie Hole' written across the crust in cursive neon lights.

"I wonder what he sells," Derek Morgan murmured inanely.

"I really couldn't tell ya, hot stuff," Penelope Garcia replied with a wink. "We should check it out together." The bubbly computer extraordinaire was happily in a relationship, but flirting with the inarguably attractive Morgan had always been a large part of her day.

"Well, it is a bakery shaped like a giant pie, with the word pie in its name, so one would think that it would sell pie," Spencer Reid pointed out, not realizing that the two were trying to be ironic. There was then a short awkward silence.

"Reid, for a genius, there's really a lot you don't get," Emily Prentiss remarked. JJ cleared her throat.

"Anyway. The identity of the couple is currently unknown. However, the killer exchanged the bodies of his two last victims, Henry Warren and Austin Tyson, for the couple he kidnapped." She clicked again, to show the two men's faces on the screen. "This has been happening for the past month at irregular intervals. All of the bodies have been found in the same one-block radius. In fact, the bakery marks the exact center of the abduction zone."

"It could be possible that the unsub has a particular hatred of that bakery," Morgan offered.

"Yes, but it could also just be a coincidence. Something had to be in the middle of all of the abductions. We shouldn't make assumptions yet," Aaron Hotchner replied.

JJ clicked again, showing the three other couples. She took a deep breath before she said, "All of the victims have a chest wound, but the pathological examiner believes that they died of lack of oxygen distribution, not blood loss. She's not sure, but she thinks…" JJ wasn't sure if she could finish. Luckily for her, David Rossi was able to grasp the train of thought.

"Our unsub kills the victims by cutting their hearts out."

DUN DUN DUN. How's that for creepy? Well, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE R&R, even if it made you want to kick a puppy. I want to know how you guys feel. I'll post part two when I get five reviews. Deal?