Sam Elgin
Attempt to be Funny
"Stupid Boromir. Stupid, stupid Boromir." Frodo continued to curse Boromir's name, adding as many "stupids" as he could count, because he really couldn't think of anything else to do. Unfortunately, Frodo couldn't count that well, and was forced to think of another plan that would, he hoped, cope with the situation at hand. Or at least allow him to ignore it.
It really was Boromir's fault in the first place. Boromir's horrible nature had forced him to abandon the rest of the fellowship. If Boromir hadn't stepped on Frodo's foot when he put on the ring as he attempted to sneak away on his routine outing to the nearest pokémon club, the rest of the fellowship might not have found out about his ventures. As it was, he was humiliated to be doing the exact same thing as the rest of them, and was forced to leave. Yes, they all put on a magic ring, and went to the nearest pokémon club. And yes, it was a little difficult, because there was only one magic ring, and there were nine of them. Stupid Boromir.
However, there was a plan that he should be thinking of. He was surrounded by several hundred thousand Uruk-Hai, and the odds weren't in his favor. Frodo cursed again, he had always lost at horse races anyways. After he thought of his plan, whatever it was, he resolved to find something to eat. It had been 10 minutes since his last meal, and that was way too long for any food loving hobbit (however redundant and repetitive "food loving hobbit" may be). That looked to be as serious a problem as getting rid of those bullying Uruk-Hai, because, in the middle of wherever this wasteland was (Gandalf had motioned its name several times, but no one bothered to listened to that senile old codger), there didn't appear to be a McDonalds. This was an occurrence Frodo was completely unprepared for. McDonalds was absolutely everywhere, it was ubiquitous. Frodo smiled, his SAT tutor would be proud of him, for using such a big word. Ubiquitous. It had one letter, two letters, three letters…well Frodo admitted to not being very good at counting, so he stopped trying there. It hurt his head too much.
Unfortunately, an idea had not manifested itself while he was busy counting letters, and those Uruk-Hai still didn't appear to be getting any happier. Frodo decided to kill two birds with one stone. This was slightly strange, because on list of problems, there was no reference to either birds or stones. Maybe he just didn't check carefully enough. He never read directions thoroughly…..nope, no mention of birds or stones. However, he decided to adopt his rather strange plan anyway, and ate the ring of power.
That certainly confused the Uruk-Hai. They were told to get the ring from the bearer, and to not hurt the bearer in any way. Killing him to get the ring probably qualified as hurting him, although they weren't exactly sure. It wasn't that there was any real controversy, but not being sure was their standard condition, and they decided they might as well be comfortable. So, they did what Uruk-Hai do best, and stood there looking bewildered. For some reason, people rarely think of this as what Uruk-Hai do best. Most historians agree that it probably was due to poor communication, on the part of the Uruk-Hai. No one would want to admit that it was our fault. It was simply luck that it wasn't.
Frodo, meanwhile, was feeling decidedly uncomfortable. His appetite had gone down, for the next several minutes at least, and the Uruk-Hai didn't look like they were going to be killing him. That wasn't quite as good as them looking happy, but he guessed he'd take it. No, the problem was that had a stomachache. When Sauron created the ring, apparently he didn't take its nutritional value into account. Frodo considered suing him. The ingredients weren't on the package, for Christ's sake! And there were absolutely no warnings at all. However, the lawsuit could wait until he could call his lawyer, when cell-phone was repaired. His stomachache couldn't. He decided to take the only reasonable course of action, and took some aspirin. However, he took too much aspirin, and died.
This presented the Uruk-Hai with an even larger problem. They had reached the general consensus that having the hobbit dead qualified as hurt, and he appeared to be dead. His heart had stopped, and that was probably close enough. They realized that when Sauron found out that the hobbit was dead, they were probably going to start hurting too. To obviate this problem, they decided to help themselves to some of Frodo's aspirin. Unfortunately, they, like Frodo, took too much, and died. All several hundred thousand of them.
This lead to a middle-earth wide fad for aspirin consumption, not unlike the previous fad for driving enormous trucks. The fad had stopped when the SUV Company had gone bankrupt when all of their clients died in mysterious alien encounters. This puzzled most of the remaining inhabitants, because "War of the Worlds" wasn't supposed to come out on DVD for several months. However, the aspirin consumption was more widespread, and equally lethal. Absolutely everyone overdosed, and died. This proved difficult for Sauron himself, because he existed only in the form of an eye. However, he simply did what leading politicians do best, and completely lied. However, he lied too well and even managed to convince himself that he was dead, which inevitably killed him.
In fact, the only creatures that didn't die were the elves. Not that they didn't try. They overdosed on aspirin more than anyone else, but never really quite pulled death off. They mourned their sad and sorry fate (albeit, being alive), and decided that the age of the elves was over, and sailed across the sea. When they got to England, they set up a booming casino in London, which proved to be very profitable. They then agreed that the whole concept of immortality was a good one after all.
And despite the fact that evolution rarely works when there is absolutely nothing to evolve from, it pulled it off again in middle Earth. Come on, this is a work of fiction. I get to do whatever I want. Life, grew, prospered, and all that great stuff. However, a rumor grew of a shadow. Whispers of a nameless fear. For J.R.R. Tolkien had discovered……ibuprofen!