I think about my own death.
I think about how I should just commit suicide.
Then…
I tell Tobi.
Tobi gets upset and doesn't talk for awhile.
Then…
When he finally speaks,
He says,
"You know...If you died there would be no reason for me to live..."
So I,
Still in suicidal thoughts,
Ask why,
He responds in an honest manner,
"I don't know...there just wouldn't...I love you too much..."
So then,
I think,
About Tobi dying…
I begin to cry…
And I realize,
How much of a fool I am,
How selfish I'm being,
"Fuck…"
I whisper in the sheets of my bed,
Now soaked with my foolish tears.
I apologize…
To Tobi…
For even thinking about suicide…
I'm such an idiot.
How can I say I want to commit suicide to someone whom I'd cry equally as much if they did the same?
Idiot.
Fucking…idiot.
Now I really want to die…
Fuck this…why am I such an idiot?
Ugh…
I cry harder,
The tears flooding my eyes.
I'm so weak…
I just want to die…
But I can't…
Everytime I've tried…
Running into roads while cars are coming…
Scratching a majority of my skin off,
Just so I can bleed it out…
I stop crying and sit up from my curled up position.
I'm not a loud to cry,
I'm not a loud to die,
So why?
Why am I so miserable if I'm not a loud to relieve myself?
It's not that I can't be relieved…
It's just…
Not me who is a loud to relieve myself…
It's Tobi…
The one I can't stop loving…
The one I can't be sad around…
The one I can't stop smiling and laughing around…
She is the only one who can make me happy…
Who can turn my tears into smiles…
Who can comfort me in this most miserable life…
She's the only one who can…
I now know why…
It's her,
And only her,
She is why…
I'm not a loud to die…
I'm not a loud to cry…
I couldn't bear a world without her,
And she couldn't bear a world without me.
So we'll face this miserable world,
Together,
With nothing but a grin on our face and our love of each other…
I can't die.
I can't cry.
I can go to her if I want to though…
Because then I can't,
I can only laugh and smile.
I love you.
I'm sorry…