THE MAGIC PENCIL CASE
Nobby stared at his cup of coffee. It was good coffee, you had to agree, but it was the cup that was interesting him. It had a picture of a nice sunset with the cutest little dog imaginable lazing around under its rays. Admittedly it was a good cup. It was just that the dog stared back at him. However, this did not worry Nobby, even after the fact that the little dog occasionally winked at him became apparent. No, it was just very interesting.
It had only been a few minutes before that the curious smell from Vimes' office had begun washing over the rest of the Watch, and Nobby had begun to feel a very uplifting feeling, punctuated with uncaring and a dream like state. He turned to look around now, and he saw that everyone else seemed to be experiencing the same effect as well. The Watch members were happy and careless, some of them running around, and most of them pointing to completely normal objects and going into mad hysterics. Yes, it truly was a wonderful feeling. Even Detritus was smiling uncontrollably. Nobby didn't know what was happening or how this sensation and smell was brought to them, but he didn't care anyway.
He risked a smile. Ah, that was better. He turned his face back to the cup, where the little dog had disappeared to the other side. It was strange, because Nobby had never seen this cup before now. But he didn't care. He risked a giggle. It turned into a laugh. He felt someone by his ear and turned to the incredibly red face of Fred Colon, who was bent over in order to level with Nobby's ear. Even in his current state he had to admit that it was not a pretty sight. Still, Fred was also laughing, and continued to as he spoke.
'What you, hah, laughing 'bout Nobby, eh?' laughed Fred loudly.
'Dunno Sarge!' said Nobby, and laughed some more.
There was a sound of the Watch House entrance door opening and Fred and Nobby turned to see Sam Vimes entering and quickly walking towards the stairs.
'Hallo, Mister Vimes!' said Fred far too cheerfully, whilst waving his right hand.
Vimes froze on the spot and slowly turned to look at his Watchmen for the first time since he entered. His jaw dropped yet apart from that he remained perfectly still, even after the horrors he beheld. It seemed to him that virtually all his men were laughing and behaving in odd ways. Ping evidently thought he was flying, while Angua was organising a limbo contest. Well, trying, seeing as her state gave her speech that needed decoding. It was late and Vimes didn't work late anymore seeing as he had a son. He had just come to pick up his silver cigar case which he had, for the last time, left behind. He damn well hoped that this was not how his men behaved while he was gone.
Vimes shook himself up. He was noticing a strange smell, and it was coming from upstairs. He was also getting a little light headed. Best not to meddle in this right now, he thought. With one last worried glance at Nobby staring intently at his cup Vimes made his way up stairs towards his office.
He wondered if Carrot was here. If he was in his office, maybe he knew what was going on. As he approached the office the mystery smell became stronger. For some unknown reason Vimes began to move quietly and peered through the gap in the door. Sure enough, there was the ginger lad, hunched over his desk, apparently preoccupied with something. He also seemed to be sniffing. No, it was more of a snort. Puzzled, Vimes began to move into the office, still quietly, while a cry of 'Paaaarty!' escaped from downstairs.
'Carrot?' he enquired, quite nervously due to the current situation.
As quick as a flash Carrot stood upright, fumbled with his pockets, brushed his desk and hands and turned to greet his commander. Sweat was pouring off him, his eyes were bloodshot, his face was red and he was constantly itching, fiddling and sniffing with his noticeably red right nostril. It looked almost like it'd been burnt. The smell was incredibly strong here, and a powdery heaviness hung in the air. Carrot looked dazed, happy, worried, and almost as if he wasn't really there at the same time. In his left hand he had a straw.
'Carrot, what's going on?' asked Vimes, now much more suspicious.
'Erm.,' Carrot was now twiddling the straw in a visual panic. 'I. I'm. it's not what you think!' Carrot screamed, dropping the straw on the floor.
'I don't know what I'm thinking captain, but I'm going to find out,' said Vimes, still calmly even though he had tried to sound serious. He was even more light-headed, with a strange happiness edging in.
Vimes approached Carrot and managed to push him out of the way. What he saw on Carrot's desk he could believe. There were needles, cigarette paper, bags of tobacco look-a-like substances, pills, foil, a tinderbox with little twigs in a small fire, and lots of different powders. There was a long line of white powder to one side. Vimes turned to look at Carrot, and leaned towards him dangerously.
'You've been doing drugs!' shouted Vimes, now really angry.
Carrot had to lean back from the ferociousness of Vimes' face.
'Er. no?' said Carrot in a desperate bid for hope.
'How could you? You're a copper! I can't bloody believe this! You're nicked, and no fuckin' about!' roared Vimes, pointing an accusing finger.
Vimes really couldn't believe it. Carrot would have been the last person that Vimes would have expected to do drugs. The filth of it all! That's what happened to the rest of the Watch, they were bloody stoned from passive drug taking or whatever! The effect probably hit them as Carrot began heavily on the ganja and heating the brown. It was right to nick Carrot, he couldn't just do bugger all because he was a great copper.
'How could you Carrot? You've disgraced yourself, your family and us - including Angua! I trusted you as a clean and a good copper,' Vimes said mournfully, shaking his slightly. Disappointment was settling in very fast.
'But. I didn't sir!' tried Carrot.
'Bullshit, Carrot! You were snorting coke even as I was standing at the door!'
Carrot sagged, defeated. Suddenly, though, he broke into a smile. Vimes couldn't believe his eyes (again). The drugs were probably having a worrying effect on Carrot. In a blur Carrot's hand moved to the table and grabbed a needle full of injectable heroin and stabbed it in Vimes' arm. Vimes hadn't been expecting this.
Vimes staggered back.
'You bas-!' he began, but was cut off by the sensation exploding in his body. It was wonderful! A smile broke out on his weary face and he began to rock gently.
'Wow, Carrot, its wonderful!' he said, followed by a giggle.
'Isn't it just, sir? No worries then?' asked Carrot.
Vimes sighed happily.
'No worries Carrot, no worries!' he said, and inaccurately tried slapped Carrot's back, instead ended up slapping his arse. 'Now let us share this wonderful substance with the rest of the men. and women!'
The two began to laugh uncontrollably as Vimes started for the door, but Carrot put a hand on his shoulder.
Still laughing, Carrot said;
'Wait, sir, let me snort my last line!'
Carrot turned to his desk, picked up his straw, snorted the entire line, and threw his head back in ecstasy. He turned back to Sam Vimes, who was now positively beaming of happy and stoned people everywhere.
'Let's go!' he said enthusiastically in a wild-eyed hippy sort of way.
The two men rushed down the stairs carrying all the drugs, and this also creates a commanding presence. All the Watchmen stopped in their activities - whatever they may have been - and turned to Sam Vimes and Carrot Ironfoundersson holding up a bag containing ganja. All the Watchmen had mad smiles on their faces, especially Fred Colon who looked as if he was about to burst.
'Gentlemen!' began Vimes. 'And, er, women!' All the Watchmen were now watching (and listening) intently. 'I have here many varieties of drugs in almost all forms! You are all stoned, as you are probably aware, but not stoned enough!' He threw a few bags to the crowd. There was a cheer. 'Now let's party!' shouted Vimes at the top of his voice. The Cheer was much louder now, and several Watchmen rushed up and grabbed the drugs; hungry for more hallucinations.
Slowly (and over-dramatically, some critics mused), Vimes turned to Nobby.
'Corporal Nobbs!' shouted Vimes.
'Yessah!' was the immediate reply, along with a smart salute and a large smile.
'Go get the alcohol.'
Vimes groaned as he shifted his eyes to look at the letter again. Vetinari, as always, had magically found out about last night. Vimes couldn't discharge any men, because he'd been involved too. If he'd been Vetinari, though, he'd have sacked them all. It was strange, but Vetinari did seem to take smugness in other punishments. He'd set the Watch to do this "Community Service" thing, which Vimes had no idea of what it was. Perhaps it was another new idea.
Vimes sighed and put his head in his left hand. It was hard to think with his alarmingly bad headache, so naturally Vimes couldn't be bothered. However, he worried about Nobby. He'd been chosen to do the first Community Service task; a speech about drugs to the local primary school.
Corporal Nobbs stepped up to the stage nervously. He was already sweating heavily, which was having a corrosive effect on his breastplate. He'd never done anything like this before, and he had no idea what to say. He looked out at the sea of small faces. There were probably three hundred children there. Oh Gods.
'Er. hi.,' he said weakly.
There was a chorus of 'Good Morning Mr Nobbs' from the children.
Nobby glanced in a panic to Fred Colon, who merely shrugged. Nobby shut his eyes and told himself to calm down. After a few seconds Nobby began.
'Hello children, erm, I. er. kids, don't, please don't do drugs?'
Nobby stared at his cup of coffee. It was good coffee, you had to agree, but it was the cup that was interesting him. It had a picture of a nice sunset with the cutest little dog imaginable lazing around under its rays. Admittedly it was a good cup. It was just that the dog stared back at him. However, this did not worry Nobby, even after the fact that the little dog occasionally winked at him became apparent. No, it was just very interesting.
It had only been a few minutes before that the curious smell from Vimes' office had begun washing over the rest of the Watch, and Nobby had begun to feel a very uplifting feeling, punctuated with uncaring and a dream like state. He turned to look around now, and he saw that everyone else seemed to be experiencing the same effect as well. The Watch members were happy and careless, some of them running around, and most of them pointing to completely normal objects and going into mad hysterics. Yes, it truly was a wonderful feeling. Even Detritus was smiling uncontrollably. Nobby didn't know what was happening or how this sensation and smell was brought to them, but he didn't care anyway.
He risked a smile. Ah, that was better. He turned his face back to the cup, where the little dog had disappeared to the other side. It was strange, because Nobby had never seen this cup before now. But he didn't care. He risked a giggle. It turned into a laugh. He felt someone by his ear and turned to the incredibly red face of Fred Colon, who was bent over in order to level with Nobby's ear. Even in his current state he had to admit that it was not a pretty sight. Still, Fred was also laughing, and continued to as he spoke.
'What you, hah, laughing 'bout Nobby, eh?' laughed Fred loudly.
'Dunno Sarge!' said Nobby, and laughed some more.
There was a sound of the Watch House entrance door opening and Fred and Nobby turned to see Sam Vimes entering and quickly walking towards the stairs.
'Hallo, Mister Vimes!' said Fred far too cheerfully, whilst waving his right hand.
Vimes froze on the spot and slowly turned to look at his Watchmen for the first time since he entered. His jaw dropped yet apart from that he remained perfectly still, even after the horrors he beheld. It seemed to him that virtually all his men were laughing and behaving in odd ways. Ping evidently thought he was flying, while Angua was organising a limbo contest. Well, trying, seeing as her state gave her speech that needed decoding. It was late and Vimes didn't work late anymore seeing as he had a son. He had just come to pick up his silver cigar case which he had, for the last time, left behind. He damn well hoped that this was not how his men behaved while he was gone.
Vimes shook himself up. He was noticing a strange smell, and it was coming from upstairs. He was also getting a little light headed. Best not to meddle in this right now, he thought. With one last worried glance at Nobby staring intently at his cup Vimes made his way up stairs towards his office.
He wondered if Carrot was here. If he was in his office, maybe he knew what was going on. As he approached the office the mystery smell became stronger. For some unknown reason Vimes began to move quietly and peered through the gap in the door. Sure enough, there was the ginger lad, hunched over his desk, apparently preoccupied with something. He also seemed to be sniffing. No, it was more of a snort. Puzzled, Vimes began to move into the office, still quietly, while a cry of 'Paaaarty!' escaped from downstairs.
'Carrot?' he enquired, quite nervously due to the current situation.
As quick as a flash Carrot stood upright, fumbled with his pockets, brushed his desk and hands and turned to greet his commander. Sweat was pouring off him, his eyes were bloodshot, his face was red and he was constantly itching, fiddling and sniffing with his noticeably red right nostril. It looked almost like it'd been burnt. The smell was incredibly strong here, and a powdery heaviness hung in the air. Carrot looked dazed, happy, worried, and almost as if he wasn't really there at the same time. In his left hand he had a straw.
'Carrot, what's going on?' asked Vimes, now much more suspicious.
'Erm.,' Carrot was now twiddling the straw in a visual panic. 'I. I'm. it's not what you think!' Carrot screamed, dropping the straw on the floor.
'I don't know what I'm thinking captain, but I'm going to find out,' said Vimes, still calmly even though he had tried to sound serious. He was even more light-headed, with a strange happiness edging in.
Vimes approached Carrot and managed to push him out of the way. What he saw on Carrot's desk he could believe. There were needles, cigarette paper, bags of tobacco look-a-like substances, pills, foil, a tinderbox with little twigs in a small fire, and lots of different powders. There was a long line of white powder to one side. Vimes turned to look at Carrot, and leaned towards him dangerously.
'You've been doing drugs!' shouted Vimes, now really angry.
Carrot had to lean back from the ferociousness of Vimes' face.
'Er. no?' said Carrot in a desperate bid for hope.
'How could you? You're a copper! I can't bloody believe this! You're nicked, and no fuckin' about!' roared Vimes, pointing an accusing finger.
Vimes really couldn't believe it. Carrot would have been the last person that Vimes would have expected to do drugs. The filth of it all! That's what happened to the rest of the Watch, they were bloody stoned from passive drug taking or whatever! The effect probably hit them as Carrot began heavily on the ganja and heating the brown. It was right to nick Carrot, he couldn't just do bugger all because he was a great copper.
'How could you Carrot? You've disgraced yourself, your family and us - including Angua! I trusted you as a clean and a good copper,' Vimes said mournfully, shaking his slightly. Disappointment was settling in very fast.
'But. I didn't sir!' tried Carrot.
'Bullshit, Carrot! You were snorting coke even as I was standing at the door!'
Carrot sagged, defeated. Suddenly, though, he broke into a smile. Vimes couldn't believe his eyes (again). The drugs were probably having a worrying effect on Carrot. In a blur Carrot's hand moved to the table and grabbed a needle full of injectable heroin and stabbed it in Vimes' arm. Vimes hadn't been expecting this.
Vimes staggered back.
'You bas-!' he began, but was cut off by the sensation exploding in his body. It was wonderful! A smile broke out on his weary face and he began to rock gently.
'Wow, Carrot, its wonderful!' he said, followed by a giggle.
'Isn't it just, sir? No worries then?' asked Carrot.
Vimes sighed happily.
'No worries Carrot, no worries!' he said, and inaccurately tried slapped Carrot's back, instead ended up slapping his arse. 'Now let us share this wonderful substance with the rest of the men. and women!'
The two began to laugh uncontrollably as Vimes started for the door, but Carrot put a hand on his shoulder.
Still laughing, Carrot said;
'Wait, sir, let me snort my last line!'
Carrot turned to his desk, picked up his straw, snorted the entire line, and threw his head back in ecstasy. He turned back to Sam Vimes, who was now positively beaming of happy and stoned people everywhere.
'Let's go!' he said enthusiastically in a wild-eyed hippy sort of way.
The two men rushed down the stairs carrying all the drugs, and this also creates a commanding presence. All the Watchmen stopped in their activities - whatever they may have been - and turned to Sam Vimes and Carrot Ironfoundersson holding up a bag containing ganja. All the Watchmen had mad smiles on their faces, especially Fred Colon who looked as if he was about to burst.
'Gentlemen!' began Vimes. 'And, er, women!' All the Watchmen were now watching (and listening) intently. 'I have here many varieties of drugs in almost all forms! You are all stoned, as you are probably aware, but not stoned enough!' He threw a few bags to the crowd. There was a cheer. 'Now let's party!' shouted Vimes at the top of his voice. The Cheer was much louder now, and several Watchmen rushed up and grabbed the drugs; hungry for more hallucinations.
Slowly (and over-dramatically, some critics mused), Vimes turned to Nobby.
'Corporal Nobbs!' shouted Vimes.
'Yessah!' was the immediate reply, along with a smart salute and a large smile.
'Go get the alcohol.'
Vimes groaned as he shifted his eyes to look at the letter again. Vetinari, as always, had magically found out about last night. Vimes couldn't discharge any men, because he'd been involved too. If he'd been Vetinari, though, he'd have sacked them all. It was strange, but Vetinari did seem to take smugness in other punishments. He'd set the Watch to do this "Community Service" thing, which Vimes had no idea of what it was. Perhaps it was another new idea.
Vimes sighed and put his head in his left hand. It was hard to think with his alarmingly bad headache, so naturally Vimes couldn't be bothered. However, he worried about Nobby. He'd been chosen to do the first Community Service task; a speech about drugs to the local primary school.
Corporal Nobbs stepped up to the stage nervously. He was already sweating heavily, which was having a corrosive effect on his breastplate. He'd never done anything like this before, and he had no idea what to say. He looked out at the sea of small faces. There were probably three hundred children there. Oh Gods.
'Er. hi.,' he said weakly.
There was a chorus of 'Good Morning Mr Nobbs' from the children.
Nobby glanced in a panic to Fred Colon, who merely shrugged. Nobby shut his eyes and told himself to calm down. After a few seconds Nobby began.
'Hello children, erm, I. er. kids, don't, please don't do drugs?'