I absolutely love the whole "Mary Sue" character in a (somewhat masochistic) way. I was also struggling to come up with a name, so here we are. Suzanne isn't a "Mary Sue", so don't fret. And yes, I know I absolutely butchered the boys' "types". It's more what I think their "types" are. With that out of my hair, here's my fanfic.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Ouran or its characters. That one chick whose name I can't recall at the moment does, and I thank her. Besides, were it my story, Haruhi likely wouldn't have ended up with Tamaki.

SUZANNE MARYANNE

Why, oh, why did she open that door? Peer pressure? Curiosity? A mixture of both? Well, too late now.

I'm sure, based on all other fanfictions of this nature, that one who is reading this already has a sneaking suspicion of what this door is, as well as where it leads. Let me introduce you to our lovely original character. Her name is Suzanne Maryanne. Don't fear, she's no "Mary Sue". She's rather short for her age, with rather thick glasses. Suzanne is a quiet girl…until you get her excited. More on that later.

Anyway, let's backtrack a little. Miss Suzanne was listening to the tittering of girls of Ouran (in case you didn't catch on already). They were giggling about visiting the infamous abandoned Music Room during their free period. That's about it, really.

So, in hindsight, it was probably curiosity. Back to the present. The door to the Music Room opens with the usual flourish of roses (much to Suzanne's surprise) and our lead is met with a hearty chorus of "welcome". Suzanne is too dumbstruck by the visual barrage of handsome men to notice the door shutting behind her silently. Today's host club theme is "commoner's day out", softening the blow to our poor heroine.

Finally, she gains the nerve to speak.

"W-w-what is this?!"

I feel I must pause here. I feel I must explain that no, our heroine is not destined to replace the famed Haruhi. In fact, Haruhi was there when Suzanne walked in, dressed as a boy. I feel that I must also explain that no, no member of the host club was struck with Cupid's arrow of passion when she walked in. To our boys, this is simply the arrival of a new customer; no more, no less.

"Welcome, sweet mademoiselle, to Ouran Academy's Host Club," proclaimed Tamaki, emphasizing each Capital Letter. Winding his arm around poor Suzanne's shoulders, he continues, "Quite frankly, I find it rather surprising that a marvelous rosebud such as yourself hasn't found us already, but, may I be the first to offer my hand in welcome, dear one." After sliding her hand up to his lips, he finishes with "enchanté".

Finally, flustered Suzanne finds her voice. "Huh?"

Tamaki, absolutely crestfallen, sulks in the corner from Suzanne's lack of reaction. After an awkward moment, Haruhi steps forward.

"Umm…welcome…? This is a place where we…gentlemen…um…" Suddenly Haruhi remembers Tamaki's phrasing. "Entertain lovely young women such as you based on your type of interest."

"For a reasonable fee," interjects Kyoya at this point.

Suzanne warily scans the room. Everywhere she turns, there are swooning young ladies. Morbidly interested, she turns back to Tamaki, who has grown bored and recovered by this point.

"What are these…types?"

"Here at the Host Club, we have the cool type, the cute type, the intellectual type, the mischievous types, the natural type, and…" he lists, pointing to each member respectively (AN: Please tell me you know which is which.), "of course me, arguably the best type of them all!"

"What if a girl doesn't know her type?"

Kyoya glances up yet again. "For such ladies, we have shortened trial periods to test out each man, for a reduced, yet still reasonable price. Of course, Miss Maryanne, one may only have one trial run."

Stifling the mild shock of some random guy knowing who she is, Suzanne nods. "I'll do it." 'Besides,' she thinks, 'I'm curious to see if these boys walk their talk. This host club thing sounds crazy!'

PART I: The Princely Type

Who else in our cast of whimsical characters would be first in this trial period run-through? None other than the naïve, somewhat arrogant King of the Host Club himself, Tamaki Suoh. His pride calls for exactly no less.

Our dear Suzanne joins the three other blushing girls gathered around the self-proclaimed King to observe.

"Tamaki, why are your eyes such a lovely shade of violet?"

"So that they may catch a set of eyes far more lovely than themselves."

"Why is your hair such a foreign blonde colour?"

"Because I was born to bring you sunshine every day."

"Why did you choose today's them as commoners' style?"

"So that I may humble myself before such exquisiteness as you."

'Well isn't he Mr. Quick-Draw-McGraw,' ponders Suzanne, poking the pile of fainted females. 'Ridiculous.'

"And you, my dear, you are so quiet. Although quietness is a sign of femininity, I long to hear your sweet voice weave words into the balmy air." Tamaki rises to join Suzanne on the chaise. "Have you any words to grace my ears with?"

"You're a nut."

Tamaki's face goes blank. "Huh?"

"Where'd you learn all that sappy stuff?"

Attempting to regain his composure, Tamaki answers, "I was raised in France, where I learned how to perfect the l'angue de l'amour. Little did I know, I was learning it to try to win your heart."

"Bull crap. I can take the France thing, but winning the hearts of maidens? Don't think so."

By the time our blunt heroine is finished talking, Tamaki's in a ball at the end of the chaise, and the twins, whose boredom was diverted by this strange girl, are literally rolling on the floor laughing. Suzanne, realizing how harsh she might have been, tries to make amends.

"Okay, I apologize, Mr. Suoh. I suppose my heart just isn't quite won by your…debonair." 'And girls are easily won…'

Tamaki glances up from his dejection mushrooms. "Really…?" Suddenly, he recovers fully yet again and proclaims. "Then I will find a way to win your heart, for without it, I will surely perish!"

Suzanne turns to Kyoya, smiling sweetly. "May I cut this session short?"

"Certainly, milady."

PART II: The Natural Type

Since Suzanne has continued past the King, next on our list is the scholar student, Haruhi Fujioka. He (she) is quickly becoming a favourite of the Host Club customers; gaining more customers than nearly every other member (Tamaki still tops her). He (she) is adored for his (her) practical nature and sensibilities.

Suzanne once again joins a group of girls, but notes with interest one crimson-haired man blushing furiously Haruhi's way. Aside from this, Suzanne notes that Haruhi is quite pleasant to be around, and that he (she) actually carries on polite conversation with the ladies at his (her) table. Whenever he (she) begins speaking to the red-haired man, or Bossa Nova as everyone kept referring to him, the out of place male would blush even more and force out a panic-stricken monosyllalibic response.

Suzanne also notices that Tamaki, who finally stopped cultivating mushrooms, seems to pay quite a bit of attention to Haruhi for some reason. 'Wouldn't it figure', Suzanne reflects, 'that the one most preoccupied with winning over women is gay.'

I feel I should step in again to clarify that Suzanne does not know that Haruhi is female. And now that I've had to explain it, my gay joke just lost all the funny. Thanks, dimwits.

Along with all of this noting and noticing that our apparently observant heroine does, she feels that something is amiss with the otherwise pleasant Haruhi. Not quite being able to put her finger on it, she gives him (her) a quick once over. Large, innocent eyes; petite frame; high-pitched voice; rather long, silky hair; the cutesy laugh…wait. 'Are there two gay hosts?!'

"I don't mean to sound rude, but you seem rather…feminine. I was wondering how a man…like you…would be into this type of thing?"

Haruhi visibly paled, and the girls around him (her) simply gaped at Suzanne.

"Umm…Miss Maryanne…'feminine'?"

"Fine, I'll just ask. Are you g-" Kyoya interrupts.

"Excuse me, Miss Maryanne, but your time with Haruhi is up. It appears that it is time for you to join me."

PART III: The Intellectual Type

Next on our list of trial sessions is the intellectual type. Dear reader, I apologize, but I believe that he is not loved for his sensibility and cool head (Mori's already there), but because he is a megane and the fact that his family owns a huge part of Japan. He is Kyoya Ootori, the shadow king.

Suzanne is surprised to find herself as the only person at Kyoya's table. Kyoya has casually draped himself into the chair across from her. He grins politely, but, as our heroine can read people fairly well, Suzanne suspects that it's only skin deep.

"Not to pry, but why am I the only customer here?"

"I take it upon myself to manage the Host Club, its finances, and its merchandising. I'm usually diligently working away, but for you, I have made an exception."

Suzanne peers at Kyoya's false grin. 'This is the best the "intellectual" can do? I want to have some fun.'

"Your method of courting leaves something to be desired, Mr. Ootori."

"Thank you for pontificating that, Miss Maryanne. I shall do my best to improve my methods of laudation."

"You seem to be mistaken. There was no pontification in my remark, as there was no arrogance, albeit there was no obsequiesnous, and implying the dogmatism of such may only exacerbate the prospects of my procuring your services hereafter."

Kyoya bursts into a laughing fit at this point, drawing the attention of the entire room. Only after he had settles down do they break their awkward silence with nervous chuckles. Only after he clears the tears from his eyes does conversation return.

"What offenses did I affect to deserve such raillery?"

"You assumed that I was just another tittering girl, that's what. I also wanted to test the 'intellectual' of the host club, just for fun."

Dear reader, I feel I must apologize again, this time for the "Mary-Sue"-ness of the previous event. Unfortunately for both of us, I simply saw an opportunity arise that I could not pass up. Besides, Kyoya never gets customers or even that big of a story arc in the series, so please forgive me.

Kyoya gave Suzanne a small, genuine smile. "Indeed, I seem to be mistaken. A presence such as yours is quite refreshing." As he removes his glasses casually to wipe them with his pocket handkerchief, the Hitachiin twins, once again interested in this strange potential customer, creep closer and closer towards their prey. Kyoya replaces his glasses just in time to see Suzanne being swept away by the two redheads. "I suppose my time was up anyway," he rationalizes, returning to his laptop.

Poor Suzanne, the kidnapee of the Hitachiins, is so surprised that she lets out quite the squeal of shock, which prompts Mori to pluck her fight out of the twins' claws and heft her over his shoulder.

"Can I please walk on my own to feet now?"

Mori nodes and sets her down at his and Hunny's table.

PART IV: The Cool and Cute Type

We now arrive, dear reader, to the cool and cut types, Takeshi "Mori" Morinozuka and Mitsukuni "Hunny" Honinozuka respectively. Their families have intertwined in the past, but Mori, grounded in tradition, still serves as a loyal semi-servant and friend to Hunny. Mori acts as a sort of weight to the helium balloon that is Hunny, and the two of them create an interesting yin-yang effect. Also, Hunny is adorable and likes sweets.

Exhausted, Suzanne plunks down hard on the bench next to an oddly young blonde child. After a few moments, Suzanne realizes that the child is beaming up at her. She offers a slightly awkward smile.

"Umm…what are you doing her, in this part of Ouran?"

"I'm part of this club, Sue-chan! What else?"

Suzanne freezes in disbelief. "Wait…you're supposed to be here?! What year are you?"

"I'm a third year, like Takeshi!" (AN: I can't very well put flowers into the text, hence all the exclamation points [!].)

Suzanne's eyes nearly pop out of her head. This kid was a third year?! That meant that this kid, who looked no more than twelve, was older than her! She watches in awe as he approaches the other ladies since "Sue-chan" was so unresponsive. All of the girls squeal and giggle and carry on about how cut Hunny is, and some had even brought him cakes and other sweets. Suzanne, once again, can't believe it. Were these girls pedophiles or what? She tries to assume the best; that they just thought of him as an adorable little brother or something, but…wasn't the whole point of a host club…she shakes the thought out of her head.

Suzanne's attention is gradually drawn to the next table over, where Mori is "entertaining" his customers.

Now, the reader must remember that Mori's customers are usually that of a shy persuasion. He does indeed fulfill the tall, dark, mysterious stranger role, and his intense stony silence plays well into that feature.

Our heroine, however, is not aware of this fact.

'Why do all of these girls spend money to come see a living statue?' Suzanne's curiosity gets the best of her manners, and she slowly leans forward to poke Mori on the shoulder, causing one of his guests to gasp. Mori's eyes slide over to peer at her blankly.

"…Yes…?"

Realizing her silliness, Suzanne backs away, slightly blushing. "Oh, uh, don't mind me…I...uh…it's just, you were…so I…"

"…Your time here is up…"

Suzanne pales, misunderstanding his statement until she is again unceremoniously swept into the air by the Hitachiins.

PART V: The Mischievous Types

Again, apologies will be made to the treasured reader. Your most humble author is in fact biased, in that I strived to save the best (in my own flawed opinion) for last.

The Hitachiin brothers, Hikaru and Kaoru, play as the mischievous (and slightly incestuous) types. As twins, their brains are seemingly on the same wavelength, more or less, and they also please their guests with their…fearful symmetry. Fulfilling their role as the mischievous types, they are known to often play pranks on their fellow hosts and classmates, and also to do whatever they bloody well please, as is the case now.

After plopping a flabbergasted Suzanne onto a couch, the brothers sit across from her a stare. Recovering from shock, Suzanne stares blankly right back at them.

"What?"

"Dance for us, puppet."(In unison, of course.)

Poor Suzanne was dumbstruck. "…Again…what?"

"We've been watching you-"(Hikaru.)

"-And we've decided that you entertain us."(Kaoru.)

"So we want you to entertain us now."(In unison again.)

Suzanne's eye twitches in irritation. 'Of all the pretentious, high-brow, bull-'"I thought that this club was meant to entertain young ladies, not for them to entertain the hosts."

"Like we care."(Spoken almost as a rehearsed chorus.)

"Okay, look. I'm paying you guys for this trial period thing, and I expect to get my money's worth out of all of you filthy rich pretty boys." Suzanne has finally snapped. "And no matter how loaded you guys are, surely you understand the value of a dollar and have enough guts between the two of you to make good on your services?" Suzanne finally stops ranting, red in the face from anger and, immediately after, embarrassment.

Our short-fused heroine isn't the only one red in the face. The twins, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during Suzanne's rant, are as well. After a split moment, both of them break into heavy spasms and fits of hysterical laughter.

"Oh, wow, that was better than mom with her accountants!"(Kaoru.)

"'Filthy rich pretty boys'! 'Make good,' she says! Oh, that's just great!"(Hikaru.)

Perpetually stunned Suzanne simply collapses in a limp heap back onto the couch she didn't realize she had risen from. That was just the last straw; she just doesn't have the willpower to do anything but stare, dazedly, at the maniacal twins.

Perhaps noticing their customer's state (or they just tired of laughing), the twins settle on either side of the poor girl.

"You certainly 'made good' on your promise of our entertainment."(Spoken together.)

Suzanne, lacking the energy mentally or physically to rebut the miscreants, simply sinks deeper into the plush scarlet couch. (AN: Only poor people have regular old "red" couches.)

"Hey, Hikaru."

"Yeah, Kaoru?"

"I think we killed her."

"Nah, she's breathing."

"Aww. Poor girl. I think we took out all the will she had left."

"She did go through the ENTIRE host club, pitiful thing."

With that, the demonic brothers give her a (pitying? sympathetic?) hug. Suzanne is done.

PART VI: Denouement

Kyoya approaches Suzanne, who is still in the (likely patronizing) embrace of the Hitachiins.

"Well, Miss Maryanne, I regret to inform you that your time is up, which finishes up all of your trial periods."

Suzanne numbly nods.

"I hope that your sampling of each of the hosts helped you decide where exactly you would like be?"

Looking around the room, Suzanne thinks of her sessions: the flattering prince, the polite natural, the charming intellectual, the endearing child, the quiet mystery man, and finally the grinning twins sitting beside her. A moment later, Suzanne Maryanne rises and promptly strides out of the Music Room.

The hosts gather to discuss the strange girl.

"Takeshi, do you think Sue-chan will come back?"

"…I'm not sure…"

"You fools, of course she will! No woman has ever said no to my charms."

A boom echoes throughout the Music Room, making the hosts jump in fright. Suzanne had suddenly remembered that she had failed to shut the door on her way out, so she returned to do so. Hard.