Jack sat on the couch, watching Mac as he destroyed the bagel he'd brought him. Poppyseed, Mac's favorite. The kid looked tired, the kind of bone-deep exhaustion that made it hard for a body to even process the need for sleep at that point.
Four days ago, Mac had gone to visit Pena's wife and child. First day back he'd looked like he'd found a measure of peace and 'Mac' was back. But now the kid looked like he was drifting away, piece by piece.
By the time the bagel was ripped into tiny pieces scattered all over the paper plate, Jack had had enough. He grabbed the plate and set it on the coffee table before shifting to face his friend. He frowned as he watched Mac just sit there, staring at his hands, fingers still for once, and that sight shook Jack to his core. Mac was never still. His hands were always in motion, his slim fingers always creating something amazing out of nothing but scraps and bits and pieces of this and that. Fingers that had just been mangling the bagel were suddenly frozen.
Jack found himself reaching out, his own big and weathered hands covering Mac's. The kid's fingers felt like ice, but what bothered Jack more was that Mac didn't even flinch or react to the touch. It was like he didn't even feel it. "Mac," Jack said softly.
There was no reaction. Mac was as still as a statue.
Jack tried again. He squeezed the frigid fingers and gave the kid a shoulder bump. He knew Mac was retreating inside himself and Jack wasn't going to let him go there. He knew all about that kind of hell, that kind of useless self-punishment. "Mac...I need you to listen to me, kid. What happened with Pena...wasn't your fault." He used one hand to thump Mac on the chest. "You know that." He tapped over his heart. "It might be buried deep, but you know I'm right. You know the truth. The Ghost killed Pena, not you."
Minutely, Mac responded. His fingers twitched as he slowly withdrew them from Jack's hold. But he only moved so far as to curl himself into the corner of the couch, arms wrapped around updrawn knees, head dropping down on them to hide his face.
Cursing to himself, Jack gave Mac his space, but he felt a well of panic. The kid wasn't doing too good and he didn't know how to help him. Maybe it was time to call Thornton and see if she had any ideas, short of forcing Mac to see a therapist, which Jack knew was never going to happen. But he had to do something. Jack was just about to pull out his cellphone when the kid lifted his head.
"There's nothing inside," Mac whispered as a single tear rolled down his face. "It's all been carved out. I feel empty...hollow."
"Mac..." Jack wanted to say something that would help, something that was meaningful, but he couldn't think of a damn thing that would wipe away the sadness and grief. The kid looked so broken that it made Jack's heart ache. "You listen to me, kid. You are anything but empty. You, my friend, are filled to overflowing. You have the biggest heart of anybody I've ever known. Your passion and creativity and imagination are so huge and amazing that...sometimes I'm boggled by that fact that you don't explode from it all." Jack locked eyes with Mac, hoping to see acceptance in the bright gaze, but all that shimmered in the blue depths was pain.
Mac scrubbed at his face with the back of one hand, looking all of sixteen and oozing all the vulnerability that comes with being that age. "Spare me the pep talk, Jack!" he spat, self-loathing coating every word. "Save it for someone who deserves it!" He moved as if to launch himself off the couch, but Jack was ready for it.
He grabbed Mac by the shoulders and shook him. "Stop this!" he shouted, and he was glad when the kid startled before going still. "You stop punishing yourself for something you didn't do! The Ghost killed Pena, not you! I know what you're doing, Mac. I know how that big brain of yours works."
"It was supposed to be me," Mac whispered, brokenly. He wouldn't look at Jack, he just went limp in the other man's grip.
"But it wasn't you, because it wasn't supposed to be you," Jack countered, going with his instincts and pulling the kid into a bone-crushing hug. Bone-crushing in part because the kid felt so damn fragile and breakable. "Things happen for a reason, Mac. You're here for a reason."
Mac pulled out of the hug, pressing himself back into the corner of the couch as if trying to disappear into it. "I can't imagine what that reason is," he mumbled.
Jack sighed, reaching out to smooth back the blond hair that was hanging in the kid's eyes, only to get his hand slapped away for his trouble. He took it as a good sign. "There's the Mac I know and love," he drawled, hoping for a smirk or maybe a snort of derision in response. But he got nothing, so he forged ahead. "Look, Mac...Pena did his job and it got him killed. We do our job every day knowing the same thing could happen to us. We know the risks and we do it anyway. That's how it works."
"You can stop talking now," Mac interjected, making it clear that he wasn't interested in hearing the truth. But to Jack that meant at least he was listening.
"Smart as you are, Mac, you know you can't change the past," Jack continued. He would bulldoze the kid with the truth, if need be. "But you control the present and you decide the future. Just like I know you won't let go of Nikki until you catch her, you're going to have that same focus on the Ghost. And you know I'm going by your side, and watching your back, all the way. Just...don't let your need for revenge drown out who you really are, Mac. Don't let it control you. Do what you gotta do, just don't lose yourself along the way."
Mac sniffled pathetically for a moment, fingers scrubbing over his face before they tugged through his hair until the blond strands stood on end. All familiar mannerisms that Jack recognized as one the kid's coping mechanisms. He let the silence play out between them, waiting for what he knew would be Mac's defining moment, laying the groundwork for what happened next. No matter what the kid decided on, Mac would support him all the way.
Heaving a sigh, Mac uncurled himself from the corner of the couch and rose slowly to his feet. "Annabelle has her Father's eyes. She's wise beyond her years." He said it like it was a confession of sorts.
"Sounds like somebody I know," Jack stated, grinning. His grin got bigger when Mac punched him in the shoulder, although he winced and rubbed at the spot. The kid had bony knuckles and he hit hard. "So what happens next, Mac? What's the plan?"
"I don't know yet," Mac countered. "I need some time to process everything. Figure things out."
Jack rose to his feet, moving to the kitchen to pull a fresh bagel out of the take out bag. He'd bought half a dozen, having had a feeling he might need extras. He walked over to Mac and held it out. "Eat something," he ordered. "That big brain of yours needs fuel. Then you're going to shower and we're going to go shopping."
Mac had been about to bite into his bagel but he paused with it held in midair. "Shopping?" he echoed. "You hate shopping. I hate shopping."
"You love hardware stores and electronic centers," Jack replied with knowing grin. "You're like a kid on Christmas day in those places...and it relaxes you. After you play, we're going to Andy's Burgers and harden our arteries with his infamous triple stack bacon burger."
"Don't get ahead of yourself," Mac cautioned, taking a small bite of his bagel before heading towards the bathroom.
Relief rushed through Jack as he watched Mac. The day might not go exactly as planned, but they were taking baby steps. Or, they were, until he saw Mac set the bagel down and reach for his laptop. In a smooth move, Jack snagged it from him, holding it out of reach behind his back. He knew what was on there. He knew Mac had asked Riley to copy Pena's video on a USB drive and that his young friend had watched the video more times than was healthy. He knew Mac punished himself with that video in an attempt to try and figure out what he could have done to change the outcome. Keeping Mac on track right now was going to be a challenge, but Jack was up for it.
Ignoring the pleading look in Mac's blue eyes, Jack shook his head. "This stays with me for now. I want you to focus on the present. One thing at a time, Mac. Start with the bagel, then the shower, then the shopping...you catch my drift."
"Easier said than done," Mac whispered, wistfully.
"Never said it would be easy," Jack replied. "I want you to remember something, bro." He moved to face the younger man. "Look at me, Mac." He waited until the blue eyes were locked upon him. "When Pena died, you were just a kid. Hell, you're still just a kid. The smartest kid I know. Pena believed in you...I believe in you. And, you and me, we're going to find the Ghost and end that bastard. That's a promise."
Mac exhaled a shaky breath, fingers tugging through his hair again. He looked like he was going to refute everything Jack had said, but instead he whispered, "Thanks, Jack."
Resisting the urge to whoop in relief, Jack simply replied, "You're welcome. Now eat your damn bagel and let's get this show on the road."
"You're not serious about going to a hardware store, are you?" Mac didn't look convinced.
"Dead serious," Jack replied. "And I was thinking we could make a pit stop to the pet store."
Mac actually snort-giggled at that. "What? You want to pet the puppies?"
Jack grinned and nodded. "Hell yeah. We're going to play with the kittens too. Very therapeutic." He was being as honest as it gets. Never once had he mentioned it to Mac, but he was a familiar face at the local pet store.
"Maybe...um..." Mac broke off, scratching at the back of his neck and looking as awkward and gauche as the teenager he resembled.
"Spit it out, man," Jack challenged. "We haven't got all day."
Mac blurted it out in a mumbled run-on sentence. "Maybe we could stop at the humane society too?"
Jack couldn't stop the grin that split his face if he tried. "Absolutely! Rescue animals need the most love and attention." He brought food and toys to the one near his apartment once a month like clockwork.
"Okay." Mac looked both relieved and a bit befuddled. It was a good look on him. "We never tell anyone about this though. Right?"
"Right." Jack held out his fist and Mac bumped it with his own to seal the deal. "Go get ready already." He watch a smile hover on Mac's lips before the kid took a big bite of his bagel. It was a good sign. He watched Mac disappear into the bathroom and close the door before he allowed himself a huge sigh of relief. Then he plopped on the couch with the laptop clasped to his chest.
He knew Mac was still feeling hollow, but Jack was going to help the kid fill up the space. For every bad moment, and they both had a lot of those, they would replace it was something positive and good. One moment and memory at a time.
THE END