I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
////////////"Omae o korosou."
That's all he would say to me most of the time. Sometimes he would point that blasted gun at my head other times he would just growl at me. Or call me baka. I then would laugh like a maniac then go about my business like nothing happened. But something did.. always.
I hate to love someone that doesnt even notice you are there unless it's for their own gain. And nothing good at that. I hate having to go through the pain. I remember trying to tell him of my feelings.
***FLASHBACK***
"Ya know Hee-san," I commented while he worked on that blasted computer of his. Oh hell yeah I got jealous of that damn thing! "You should smile more. 'Cause you do have a pretty smile when you do." I heard the keys stop clicking as he turned around in his chair to face me. I gulped. I dont think thats a good thing.
"What are you talking about Duo?" he said coldly. It made me shiver.
"W-what?" oh boy, real smooth.
"You've never seen me smile."
"That's tough to say when you sleep you smile alot.." I blurted out. He narrowed his eyes at me and growled. I continued not thinking about what I was saying, probaly because I was thinking outloud, "Its really a site to see you smile. Sometimes I wish I made you ..smile. You know Heero I-" "Shut up you Baka." he growled at me with intence anger.
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same So now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause
He eyed me evily after that, not able to stand the glares and the silent wishes for me to leave that he sent in his beautiful eyes, I finallly left that hell hole and got myself an apartment. Small and ran down, but mine none the less. It felt good to have my own space. But problems arose. I grew depressed and I didn't eat much, just enough to keep me alive and barley at that. I started to hurt myself more and more. Soon I would stand after using the toilet I would cut my shoulder or leg or hand or wrist of what felt right that day then look up at the shattered mirror I had broken a long time ago. Then I would go lay down on my bed and cry myself to sleep till I woke up and redid the process.
None of them ever kept in touch. Quatre tryed with e-mails, but I could never reply. He would try to call me but I would never answer my phone now. Most of the time I wouldn't think of anything. Sometimes pictures of myself and the guys would catch my attention from the bed side table. They all seemed annoyed with me and I bet they where happy with out the jester around. I know for sure Wufei and Heero were.
I wish I could forget how to cry. It burns my eyes so badly that I have to sit there and cry, but tears ran out so long ago so I was crying air. I remember telling someone that my mama told me men dont cry out. Or telling Heero I never cryed. Ha AND I never lied! That's bullshit right there. I cryed every day, week to week, month to month, year to year. I am pitiful. I fell even further into my blackness I created untill....
Untill Quatre sent me a letter telling me they all wished to see me. It was a party so we could, 'catch up on old things'. At first I threw it onto the floor and moped into the bathroom with my trusty old friend, who I've grown used to calling Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy, my shard of glass from the broken mirror. It cut deep and clean with lots of blood to watch and admire. But the letter beconed to me I picked it up. In small print in Quatre's handwritting on the back it said this:
"Duo I'm really worried about you . You don't keep in touch,
Heero is coming without a doubt. And I want to see you and
make sure your well. If you don't come I'm sure Trowa and I will check on you."
Shit. Now I had to go.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt
I probaly looked like shit. My hair had been tagled for so long and out of its braid that it was hell to brush out. I showered just never really brushed out my long chestnut hair. I was barley even 81pounds. I was pale because of not going out into the light and lots of scars. I made sure to pack Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy with me, 'cause I could never forget my best of friends who helped me with what I needed. I then comenced with packing a few of the other things that I had collected. *****IN FRONT OF QUATRE'S MANSION******
It was big. But what to expect of Quatre? Oh course he had a limo waiting when I called from the station. And when I arrived a big hug and smile to greet me. I plastered a grin to my face and greeted everyone. Well almost everyone. There was one who I refused to say anything.
"Duo.. you look sick you sure your eating ok?" Quatre asked with a sad smile.
I turned to look at Quatre. I had to act like they wanted me to.. to be happy and laughing always smiling. I shook my head then smiled, "Well yeah I've just haven't been in the sun in awhile. See I work at night now and I stay in during the day!" I said, lying. It tasted horable on my tounge as I spoke.
"Oh..." he said. I guess it was a good enough lie for him to believe. "Oh Heero is here already. I bet he's still in his room. You should go say hi to him. He kept on asking if you were coming."
My smile faded. "I might"
"Maxwell." someone's gruff voice said behind me. I turned to see Wufei. His dark eyes narrowed at me. His hair was free and hung around his shoulders and he wore glasses. I had to say, he looked rather good like that but... that wasn't the same Wu-man I remembered. "Why is it you never answer the calls or e-mails?"
I swollow the lump in my throat, smiled and answered in the most un- shaky voice I could muster, "Well I was either... asleep... or um.. working... or out."
"During the day?"
"Yeah!" I replied with a half-hearted laugh.
"Right, Maxwell." Wufei said with a bitter tone. I could tell he knew I was lying.
A silence fell over us. Quatre broke it by saying,"Well Duo you want to see your room?"
"Uh sure.." I said and followed him eyeing Wufei evily.
It turns out I have to share a bathroom with Heero and his room had a door connecting our rooms. For some reason I had the feeling that bastard (Heero) had that planned and asked that of Quatre! I threw my bag onto the bed and picked up my duffle bag and made sure Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy was just fine and sliped him into the bag and headed towards the bathroom. I got to the door when a all to fimilar voice intrupted my way in.
"Duo.. is that really you?"
I just stuffed it down Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
I turned around and saw Heero. He still wore the green tank top but he had on a black jacket with tight dark blue pants. I glared at him with intence anger. He smirked. Other times, like a few years ago during the war I would have felt achievement but now, I just stared at him.
"Who the fuck else would I be?" I growled.
He closed his eyes and sighed. He seemed more relaxed. "Duo, I-I want to tell you tha-"
"Just shut up." I said, repaying thoughs two words to him, then walking into the bathroom I locked the door.
I took out Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy and stared at my trusty old friend. I took off my shirt and stared at myself. Its been awhile since I've actually looked at myself in the mirror and I looked horriable. My skin was a grey color and my eyes deep in my head. The violet was kinda dusty looking with a faded color. I barely fit into my cloths and my hair seemed ratty. No wonder Quatre had asked if I was ok! I looked like shit. My eyes travled down to my scars showed in a light pink-shiny grey color. They where all over the place. It was disgusting!
I placed my friend on my wrist and pressed down. The blood came like always and that sence of power that I had lost so long ago. I pressed down harder when someone spoke on the other side of the door.
"Duo, its dinner time. Hurry up." it was Trowa, the silent clown of us all.
"O..k.." oh shit.
I heard his foot steps go down the hall. I quickly wrapped up my fresh wound then pulled my shirt back on. I didn't feel like eating, I just wanted to go lay down but then these people here would get suspious. I unlocked the door and walked to the dinning room. Forgetting to wipe off the blood of Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy and putting him away.
So where were you? When all this I was going through You never took the time To ask me just what you could do
I tryed to eat. But it wouldn't stay down. I felt like vomiting all over the table but held it in. Trowa kept giving me quizitive glances at me every so often. Quatre sat at the head, next to him where Trowa and me. I sat next to Heero and Wufei across from Heero. I tried to hold up a conversation, but I failed from the sick feeling.
"Duo, you sure you're full? You've barley even touched your food." Quatre said softly looking at me with worry. Heero looked over at me suspisously.
"Yeah, I'm sure I ate at the station, and had a few snacks in my room." I lied again.
"Oh.. ok." Quatre said then tryed to smile. I stood and left the room. After I had gone out of the dinning room I ran to the nearest bathroom and proceded to vomit out the mash patatoes, rib eye stake, and the other little things that I had to stuff down my throat. Once finished I sat back.
"Ug.. thats a problem." I muttered to myself feeling even more sick then before, "They expect me to eat laugh and stay awake all day. I shouldn't have come."
A knock at the door and someone's voice on the other side of the door sounded, "Duo. I must talk to you."
It was Wufei, go figure.
I opened the door and walked passed him without even looking at him. I walked down the hall towards my room. All I wanted to do right now was to lay down and sleep off my stomach acke from hell away.
"Duo," it was Wufei now, "What are you doing to yourself?" I turned arond and flashed a grin.
"Nothing at all! What would give you that idea?" I said in a laughing tone.
His face was stone. He didn't believe me. He said in a bitter tone, "Then why did you vomit after you had just finshed eating? Your skin is grey, your eyes have no shine and you've been quiet!"
My smile faded. "I've been sick for awhile, with the flu and I just got off when I got the letter." oi to many lies!
"Duo, if you can't tell the truth. Then don't lie. You have a hard time lying," Wufei said with a sneer and left.
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same So now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause
I slept for over 7 hours after eating. It was 1 o'clock. I sat up and felt dizzy. I put my hand to my head and pushed my bangs out of my face. I deciede to take a shower, which at the moment sounded better then just laying there. Its been awhile since I last had a nice hot shower. I stood and put my feet on the floor. I padded over to the bathroom but found the door locked. I hit the door knowing that Heero musta made sure this happened so I would have to go through his room. I sighed then walked back out into my room and layed down.
I waited awhile. But the thought of a hot shower kept calling me. I finally deci ded that I would go through his room and not talk to Heero while going through it. I got up and gathered my clothing and my little duffle bag full of toiletries and headed towards the door. Open and out and down the hall to the other door. I knocked on the door quietly. The door opened, and Heero stood wearing dark blue sleep pants with strips down the side. His face softly glowing in the pale light of the lap top, the only light on in the room. His face and eyes was the look of disappointment.
"I need in the bathroom Heero." I said coldly to his face, not looking away from his intence glare.
"Why Duo?" He asked softly.
"Look man, you locked me out of the bathroom and now I want a shower ok? Now let me in or unlock the fucking door Heero, I am in no mood to mess around!" I yelled at him
He looked at me sadly. "Duo what are you doing to yourself?"
My body grew cold. What was he talking about. I glared at him hidding the sudden fear bubbling up in me. "What are you talking about?" Heero held up Mr. Sharp n' Pointy to my face. Still covered in blood, now crusted. My heart skipped a beat. It hit me, I forgot to put him away.
"Duo please tell me... what are you doing to yourself?"
"Nothing!" I was growing frantic.
"Duo I found this in the bathroom."
"I'm not doing anything!!!"
His hand grabbed my wrist, I yelped out. He pulled up the sleeve and sucked in a deep breath at the bandage, stained red from seeping blood.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt I just stuffed it down
"Duo.. " Heero started with me, "How... why..?"
"Oh so now you care about me huh??!! You stupid fuck! Look you don't need to get up all in my buissness now Heero Yuy!!!" I said wrenching my arm away from him feeling the pain again in my heart. So NOW he give a fuck since now that I'm just as skrewed up as a weak abused puppy.
"Duo.. what are you talking about? What-when did this happen to you Duo?!"
"Look Heero I tried to open up to you a long time ago! But you just shrugged me off like I was a piece of shit pasted to something wonderful!" I grabbed Mr. Sharp n' Pointy from Heero cutting my hand on the sharp ends of the piece of glass. I knew I shouldn't have come. I wince from the sharp pain comming from my hand.
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
Heero grabbed my hand tightly and pulled me to him. He backed up and closed the door and looked at me saddly. "Duo...." he said softly, I saw tears forming in his eyes as I glared at him. So close. So long ago I would have gone nuts if I where this close to Heero Yuy, and still it excited me... but... no he showed me how much he hated me so long ago. So very long ago. I felt tears form in my eyes. Those tears in Heero's eyes. The perfect soilder was crying.
No I needed to push him away! I pushed his hands off of me and glared at him harder. "Don't you piece of shit!"
"Duo what did I do to you to make you so hostile?!" Heero growled, seeing his efforts where in vain. "I do care for you! I've always have and I always LISTENED to you! And then poof you got scared of me or something and left! I dont know what happened to you. Quatre got so worried over you, he kept calling me seeing if I had heard from you. And when you do show up.... LOOK AT YOU!!!"
"That figures. You not remembering anything. But I reamber that fucking rejection you gave me. Hell I wanted you as a close friend if I couldn't have you...." I felt cold and a chill ran up my spine.
I never meant to fade... Away I never meant to fade
"Duo what are you talking about?" Heero asked, taking a step towards me slowly.
"You are so blind for such a great soilder, but you know what? Thats all you'll ever be! That's right!! ALL YOU'LL-" he placed his hand over my lips.
"Don't wake the others up," his cold voice returned. I knew he didn't like this, feeling weak and knowing that his plan of comming on sweet and understanding was backfireing in his beautiful face. How close his face was, so very close. I could feel his hot breath on me.
"Duo. Tell me now. Why are you doing-doing that to yourself?" his voice was horibly rigid. His hand let go of my face slowly. That's when I realized that I was up against the wall with him putting weight on me. My hand throbed like a bitch, I was feeling dizzy, and Heero was so close to me. "Now answer me something!"
Opening and closing my mouth trying to pick what to say carefully. All I ever wanted was him, so long ago... and then I faded into the shadow.. knowing that he didn't love me like I loved him. "All I ever wanted was you... either love or respect or even just a simple friendship from you..." I said barley audiable, but Heero heard it. I felt him grow rigid. "But you don't remember me trying to open up to you. I tried so hard. Don't you remember me telling you how pretty your smile was when you slept. Do you have ANY idea what I was going to say after that before you told me to shut up. How often you glanced at me like you wanted me to leave, Heero. And you know what. I got the point so clear... so painfully clear. Clear on how much you hated me."
"I dont hate you Duo. I have never in my life hated you. I do recall you talking about me smiling, but that's all. It's not unusual that I would just tell you to shut up. But Duo, how could you get the idea that I hated you?" Heero's voice was calm and cold. It told everything. His words where a lie. Just another fucked up lie!
"Don't lie Heero." I said gripping my friend tightly in my hand, still dripping with blood. I pushed him away from me and scampered to the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it tightly. I left the very next day with out any word.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt I just stuffed it down
When I got home, I needed serious therapy from a gold old friend that I had almost forgotten. I made my last apperiance to the world at the super market. I bought a few items. One new razor blades, two asprin 200mg, and three beer. Hard core beer. Something on my mind told me that this should be the LAST time out. Though people glanced at me strangely, I just shook it off. Seeing on how bad I looked.
Planning. Thats what it was all about. Planning on the perfect way to die. I wanted to see blood and feel that sharp pain. Razors, as I have always heard, cut alot better the glass if broken up into a one blade show. And I know that alot of beer and alot of asprine is very likely to kill you. Seeing what I'm getting at now? Best was to express on what I was feeling. Hate, coldness, nothing, hopelessness, and the large desire to just die and end it all for good!!
The guy at the register smiled fakely at me, "Will that be all Sir?"
"Yeah."
"$29.50." I handed him the money and smiled my best at the guy. I picked up my items and thought of Heero on my way out. I would have believed him, and I knew it, if he had kept on in that understanding way. I know I would have, but then he grew cold again. And now I wanted to die. Because that was the secound rejection from him. How pathetic am I?
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
When I got home, I layed down my items and layed down on the couch. It felt strange, this house I had entered. I jumped up and grabbed the pack of razor blades and then opened it. They came out of the plastic caseing and onto the floor. I picked up one of the blades and started to work out the actual blades from the plastic sealing. One that was finished, I sat down on the couch and started on my hand. From the thumb I ran down deep into the skin. I ran all the way up to the elbow (where it bends inwards) and watch as the blood flowed feeling that sharp stinging sensation I had been dieing to feel for a long while. I did my other arm just the same, piercing the arterie and the vain. Next the ankeles and then I just layed back basking in the slended pain of this. Oh yes, it hurt but then again, most pleassure does.
Getting up I got my beer and drank the bottle down in a few gulps. My hands where shaky. I got the bottle of asprine and somehow drank down all the beer and the bottle of 200 mg of Asprine.
******END FLASHBACK********
I try to breathe...
If only Heero had let me finish, or even told me in a better way then just telling me to shut up." I said sadly thinking of him. Even now, dieing, all I could think of is that I would always love My Heero. If only he had known how much it hurt. How much it ate away the little pride I had manage to pull up for the war at least. "I'm so sorry Solo... Sister Helen... Father Maxwell... I could never be what the great thing you all saw in me. And Heero... I'm sorry as well."
So here I am now, laying on the floor. Somehow I had reached the bathroom. I dont know why, and wrote on the wall 'Sorry Heero'. But I'll never be able to feel the closeness of someone who I love and they love me. Never to see the light of day again. The only thing I'll be able to see and feel is the blackness of death opening its wings to let me into the coldness of him. Shinigami has now come to take me away from my fears, my pains, and my heart that ackes so much.... I close my eyes for the last time and whisper softly,
"I'll always love you no matter what Heero... to bad you'll never know..."
////////////"Omae o korosou."
That's all he would say to me most of the time. Sometimes he would point that blasted gun at my head other times he would just growl at me. Or call me baka. I then would laugh like a maniac then go about my business like nothing happened. But something did.. always.
I hate to love someone that doesnt even notice you are there unless it's for their own gain. And nothing good at that. I hate having to go through the pain. I remember trying to tell him of my feelings.
***FLASHBACK***
"Ya know Hee-san," I commented while he worked on that blasted computer of his. Oh hell yeah I got jealous of that damn thing! "You should smile more. 'Cause you do have a pretty smile when you do." I heard the keys stop clicking as he turned around in his chair to face me. I gulped. I dont think thats a good thing.
"What are you talking about Duo?" he said coldly. It made me shiver.
"W-what?" oh boy, real smooth.
"You've never seen me smile."
"That's tough to say when you sleep you smile alot.." I blurted out. He narrowed his eyes at me and growled. I continued not thinking about what I was saying, probaly because I was thinking outloud, "Its really a site to see you smile. Sometimes I wish I made you ..smile. You know Heero I-" "Shut up you Baka." he growled at me with intence anger.
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same So now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause
He eyed me evily after that, not able to stand the glares and the silent wishes for me to leave that he sent in his beautiful eyes, I finallly left that hell hole and got myself an apartment. Small and ran down, but mine none the less. It felt good to have my own space. But problems arose. I grew depressed and I didn't eat much, just enough to keep me alive and barley at that. I started to hurt myself more and more. Soon I would stand after using the toilet I would cut my shoulder or leg or hand or wrist of what felt right that day then look up at the shattered mirror I had broken a long time ago. Then I would go lay down on my bed and cry myself to sleep till I woke up and redid the process.
None of them ever kept in touch. Quatre tryed with e-mails, but I could never reply. He would try to call me but I would never answer my phone now. Most of the time I wouldn't think of anything. Sometimes pictures of myself and the guys would catch my attention from the bed side table. They all seemed annoyed with me and I bet they where happy with out the jester around. I know for sure Wufei and Heero were.
I wish I could forget how to cry. It burns my eyes so badly that I have to sit there and cry, but tears ran out so long ago so I was crying air. I remember telling someone that my mama told me men dont cry out. Or telling Heero I never cryed. Ha AND I never lied! That's bullshit right there. I cryed every day, week to week, month to month, year to year. I am pitiful. I fell even further into my blackness I created untill....
Untill Quatre sent me a letter telling me they all wished to see me. It was a party so we could, 'catch up on old things'. At first I threw it onto the floor and moped into the bathroom with my trusty old friend, who I've grown used to calling Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy, my shard of glass from the broken mirror. It cut deep and clean with lots of blood to watch and admire. But the letter beconed to me I picked it up. In small print in Quatre's handwritting on the back it said this:
"Duo I'm really worried about you . You don't keep in touch,
Heero is coming without a doubt. And I want to see you and
make sure your well. If you don't come I'm sure Trowa and I will check on you."
Shit. Now I had to go.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt
I probaly looked like shit. My hair had been tagled for so long and out of its braid that it was hell to brush out. I showered just never really brushed out my long chestnut hair. I was barley even 81pounds. I was pale because of not going out into the light and lots of scars. I made sure to pack Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy with me, 'cause I could never forget my best of friends who helped me with what I needed. I then comenced with packing a few of the other things that I had collected. *****IN FRONT OF QUATRE'S MANSION******
It was big. But what to expect of Quatre? Oh course he had a limo waiting when I called from the station. And when I arrived a big hug and smile to greet me. I plastered a grin to my face and greeted everyone. Well almost everyone. There was one who I refused to say anything.
"Duo.. you look sick you sure your eating ok?" Quatre asked with a sad smile.
I turned to look at Quatre. I had to act like they wanted me to.. to be happy and laughing always smiling. I shook my head then smiled, "Well yeah I've just haven't been in the sun in awhile. See I work at night now and I stay in during the day!" I said, lying. It tasted horable on my tounge as I spoke.
"Oh..." he said. I guess it was a good enough lie for him to believe. "Oh Heero is here already. I bet he's still in his room. You should go say hi to him. He kept on asking if you were coming."
My smile faded. "I might"
"Maxwell." someone's gruff voice said behind me. I turned to see Wufei. His dark eyes narrowed at me. His hair was free and hung around his shoulders and he wore glasses. I had to say, he looked rather good like that but... that wasn't the same Wu-man I remembered. "Why is it you never answer the calls or e-mails?"
I swollow the lump in my throat, smiled and answered in the most un- shaky voice I could muster, "Well I was either... asleep... or um.. working... or out."
"During the day?"
"Yeah!" I replied with a half-hearted laugh.
"Right, Maxwell." Wufei said with a bitter tone. I could tell he knew I was lying.
A silence fell over us. Quatre broke it by saying,"Well Duo you want to see your room?"
"Uh sure.." I said and followed him eyeing Wufei evily.
It turns out I have to share a bathroom with Heero and his room had a door connecting our rooms. For some reason I had the feeling that bastard (Heero) had that planned and asked that of Quatre! I threw my bag onto the bed and picked up my duffle bag and made sure Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy was just fine and sliped him into the bag and headed towards the bathroom. I got to the door when a all to fimilar voice intrupted my way in.
"Duo.. is that really you?"
I just stuffed it down Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
I turned around and saw Heero. He still wore the green tank top but he had on a black jacket with tight dark blue pants. I glared at him with intence anger. He smirked. Other times, like a few years ago during the war I would have felt achievement but now, I just stared at him.
"Who the fuck else would I be?" I growled.
He closed his eyes and sighed. He seemed more relaxed. "Duo, I-I want to tell you tha-"
"Just shut up." I said, repaying thoughs two words to him, then walking into the bathroom I locked the door.
I took out Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy and stared at my trusty old friend. I took off my shirt and stared at myself. Its been awhile since I've actually looked at myself in the mirror and I looked horriable. My skin was a grey color and my eyes deep in my head. The violet was kinda dusty looking with a faded color. I barely fit into my cloths and my hair seemed ratty. No wonder Quatre had asked if I was ok! I looked like shit. My eyes travled down to my scars showed in a light pink-shiny grey color. They where all over the place. It was disgusting!
I placed my friend on my wrist and pressed down. The blood came like always and that sence of power that I had lost so long ago. I pressed down harder when someone spoke on the other side of the door.
"Duo, its dinner time. Hurry up." it was Trowa, the silent clown of us all.
"O..k.." oh shit.
I heard his foot steps go down the hall. I quickly wrapped up my fresh wound then pulled my shirt back on. I didn't feel like eating, I just wanted to go lay down but then these people here would get suspious. I unlocked the door and walked to the dinning room. Forgetting to wipe off the blood of Mr. Sharp 'n' Pointy and putting him away.
So where were you? When all this I was going through You never took the time To ask me just what you could do
I tryed to eat. But it wouldn't stay down. I felt like vomiting all over the table but held it in. Trowa kept giving me quizitive glances at me every so often. Quatre sat at the head, next to him where Trowa and me. I sat next to Heero and Wufei across from Heero. I tried to hold up a conversation, but I failed from the sick feeling.
"Duo, you sure you're full? You've barley even touched your food." Quatre said softly looking at me with worry. Heero looked over at me suspisously.
"Yeah, I'm sure I ate at the station, and had a few snacks in my room." I lied again.
"Oh.. ok." Quatre said then tryed to smile. I stood and left the room. After I had gone out of the dinning room I ran to the nearest bathroom and proceded to vomit out the mash patatoes, rib eye stake, and the other little things that I had to stuff down my throat. Once finished I sat back.
"Ug.. thats a problem." I muttered to myself feeling even more sick then before, "They expect me to eat laugh and stay awake all day. I shouldn't have come."
A knock at the door and someone's voice on the other side of the door sounded, "Duo. I must talk to you."
It was Wufei, go figure.
I opened the door and walked passed him without even looking at him. I walked down the hall towards my room. All I wanted to do right now was to lay down and sleep off my stomach acke from hell away.
"Duo," it was Wufei now, "What are you doing to yourself?" I turned arond and flashed a grin.
"Nothing at all! What would give you that idea?" I said in a laughing tone.
His face was stone. He didn't believe me. He said in a bitter tone, "Then why did you vomit after you had just finshed eating? Your skin is grey, your eyes have no shine and you've been quiet!"
My smile faded. "I've been sick for awhile, with the flu and I just got off when I got the letter." oi to many lies!
"Duo, if you can't tell the truth. Then don't lie. You have a hard time lying," Wufei said with a sneer and left.
I only know that I can change Everything else just stays the same So now I step out of the darkness that my life became 'cause
I slept for over 7 hours after eating. It was 1 o'clock. I sat up and felt dizzy. I put my hand to my head and pushed my bangs out of my face. I deciede to take a shower, which at the moment sounded better then just laying there. Its been awhile since I last had a nice hot shower. I stood and put my feet on the floor. I padded over to the bathroom but found the door locked. I hit the door knowing that Heero musta made sure this happened so I would have to go through his room. I sighed then walked back out into my room and layed down.
I waited awhile. But the thought of a hot shower kept calling me. I finally deci ded that I would go through his room and not talk to Heero while going through it. I got up and gathered my clothing and my little duffle bag full of toiletries and headed towards the door. Open and out and down the hall to the other door. I knocked on the door quietly. The door opened, and Heero stood wearing dark blue sleep pants with strips down the side. His face softly glowing in the pale light of the lap top, the only light on in the room. His face and eyes was the look of disappointment.
"I need in the bathroom Heero." I said coldly to his face, not looking away from his intence glare.
"Why Duo?" He asked softly.
"Look man, you locked me out of the bathroom and now I want a shower ok? Now let me in or unlock the fucking door Heero, I am in no mood to mess around!" I yelled at him
He looked at me sadly. "Duo what are you doing to yourself?"
My body grew cold. What was he talking about. I glared at him hidding the sudden fear bubbling up in me. "What are you talking about?" Heero held up Mr. Sharp n' Pointy to my face. Still covered in blood, now crusted. My heart skipped a beat. It hit me, I forgot to put him away.
"Duo please tell me... what are you doing to yourself?"
"Nothing!" I was growing frantic.
"Duo I found this in the bathroom."
"I'm not doing anything!!!"
His hand grabbed my wrist, I yelped out. He pulled up the sleeve and sucked in a deep breath at the bandage, stained red from seeping blood.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt I just stuffed it down
"Duo.. " Heero started with me, "How... why..?"
"Oh so now you care about me huh??!! You stupid fuck! Look you don't need to get up all in my buissness now Heero Yuy!!!" I said wrenching my arm away from him feeling the pain again in my heart. So NOW he give a fuck since now that I'm just as skrewed up as a weak abused puppy.
"Duo.. what are you talking about? What-when did this happen to you Duo?!"
"Look Heero I tried to open up to you a long time ago! But you just shrugged me off like I was a piece of shit pasted to something wonderful!" I grabbed Mr. Sharp n' Pointy from Heero cutting my hand on the sharp ends of the piece of glass. I knew I shouldn't have come. I wince from the sharp pain comming from my hand.
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
Heero grabbed my hand tightly and pulled me to him. He backed up and closed the door and looked at me saddly. "Duo...." he said softly, I saw tears forming in his eyes as I glared at him. So close. So long ago I would have gone nuts if I where this close to Heero Yuy, and still it excited me... but... no he showed me how much he hated me so long ago. So very long ago. I felt tears form in my eyes. Those tears in Heero's eyes. The perfect soilder was crying.
No I needed to push him away! I pushed his hands off of me and glared at him harder. "Don't you piece of shit!"
"Duo what did I do to you to make you so hostile?!" Heero growled, seeing his efforts where in vain. "I do care for you! I've always have and I always LISTENED to you! And then poof you got scared of me or something and left! I dont know what happened to you. Quatre got so worried over you, he kept calling me seeing if I had heard from you. And when you do show up.... LOOK AT YOU!!!"
"That figures. You not remembering anything. But I reamber that fucking rejection you gave me. Hell I wanted you as a close friend if I couldn't have you...." I felt cold and a chill ran up my spine.
I never meant to fade... Away I never meant to fade
"Duo what are you talking about?" Heero asked, taking a step towards me slowly.
"You are so blind for such a great soilder, but you know what? Thats all you'll ever be! That's right!! ALL YOU'LL-" he placed his hand over my lips.
"Don't wake the others up," his cold voice returned. I knew he didn't like this, feeling weak and knowing that his plan of comming on sweet and understanding was backfireing in his beautiful face. How close his face was, so very close. I could feel his hot breath on me.
"Duo. Tell me now. Why are you doing-doing that to yourself?" his voice was horibly rigid. His hand let go of my face slowly. That's when I realized that I was up against the wall with him putting weight on me. My hand throbed like a bitch, I was feeling dizzy, and Heero was so close to me. "Now answer me something!"
Opening and closing my mouth trying to pick what to say carefully. All I ever wanted was him, so long ago... and then I faded into the shadow.. knowing that he didn't love me like I loved him. "All I ever wanted was you... either love or respect or even just a simple friendship from you..." I said barley audiable, but Heero heard it. I felt him grow rigid. "But you don't remember me trying to open up to you. I tried so hard. Don't you remember me telling you how pretty your smile was when you slept. Do you have ANY idea what I was going to say after that before you told me to shut up. How often you glanced at me like you wanted me to leave, Heero. And you know what. I got the point so clear... so painfully clear. Clear on how much you hated me."
"I dont hate you Duo. I have never in my life hated you. I do recall you talking about me smiling, but that's all. It's not unusual that I would just tell you to shut up. But Duo, how could you get the idea that I hated you?" Heero's voice was calm and cold. It told everything. His words where a lie. Just another fucked up lie!
"Don't lie Heero." I said gripping my friend tightly in my hand, still dripping with blood. I pushed him away from me and scampered to the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it tightly. I left the very next day with out any word.
I just needed someone to talk to You were just to busy with yourself You were never there for me To express how I felt I just stuffed it down
When I got home, I needed serious therapy from a gold old friend that I had almost forgotten. I made my last apperiance to the world at the super market. I bought a few items. One new razor blades, two asprin 200mg, and three beer. Hard core beer. Something on my mind told me that this should be the LAST time out. Though people glanced at me strangely, I just shook it off. Seeing on how bad I looked.
Planning. Thats what it was all about. Planning on the perfect way to die. I wanted to see blood and feel that sharp pain. Razors, as I have always heard, cut alot better the glass if broken up into a one blade show. And I know that alot of beer and alot of asprine is very likely to kill you. Seeing what I'm getting at now? Best was to express on what I was feeling. Hate, coldness, nothing, hopelessness, and the large desire to just die and end it all for good!!
The guy at the register smiled fakely at me, "Will that be all Sir?"
"Yeah."
"$29.50." I handed him the money and smiled my best at the guy. I picked up my items and thought of Heero on my way out. I would have believed him, and I knew it, if he had kept on in that understanding way. I know I would have, but then he grew cold again. And now I wanted to die. Because that was the secound rejection from him. How pathetic am I?
Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade But it seems the surface I am scratching Is the bed that I have made
When I got home, I layed down my items and layed down on the couch. It felt strange, this house I had entered. I jumped up and grabbed the pack of razor blades and then opened it. They came out of the plastic caseing and onto the floor. I picked up one of the blades and started to work out the actual blades from the plastic sealing. One that was finished, I sat down on the couch and started on my hand. From the thumb I ran down deep into the skin. I ran all the way up to the elbow (where it bends inwards) and watch as the blood flowed feeling that sharp stinging sensation I had been dieing to feel for a long while. I did my other arm just the same, piercing the arterie and the vain. Next the ankeles and then I just layed back basking in the slended pain of this. Oh yes, it hurt but then again, most pleassure does.
Getting up I got my beer and drank the bottle down in a few gulps. My hands where shaky. I got the bottle of asprine and somehow drank down all the beer and the bottle of 200 mg of Asprine.
******END FLASHBACK********
I try to breathe...
If only Heero had let me finish, or even told me in a better way then just telling me to shut up." I said sadly thinking of him. Even now, dieing, all I could think of is that I would always love My Heero. If only he had known how much it hurt. How much it ate away the little pride I had manage to pull up for the war at least. "I'm so sorry Solo... Sister Helen... Father Maxwell... I could never be what the great thing you all saw in me. And Heero... I'm sorry as well."
So here I am now, laying on the floor. Somehow I had reached the bathroom. I dont know why, and wrote on the wall 'Sorry Heero'. But I'll never be able to feel the closeness of someone who I love and they love me. Never to see the light of day again. The only thing I'll be able to see and feel is the blackness of death opening its wings to let me into the coldness of him. Shinigami has now come to take me away from my fears, my pains, and my heart that ackes so much.... I close my eyes for the last time and whisper softly,
"I'll always love you no matter what Heero... to bad you'll never know..."