"Five Animals the Crew Should Have Smuggled Instead of Cattle"

Show: Firefly

Genre: General

Pairing: None

Rating: K

Summary: Mal wasn't one for being choosy over jobs, so hauling live cargo was just as appealing as anything else provided he got paid.

Disclaimer: I own nothing aside from my goldfish and textbooks.

Author's Note: I'm finally getting around to catching up on posting a bunch of fanfic from my LJ account, so some of you may have read this before...

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It hadn't been the cargo he was expecting, and he was nearly ready to refuse it when he took another look at the pantry. They were nearly down to licking the crumbs off the remaining protein wrappers, and Mal wasn't about to let his crew go hungry. By the time they finished loading all of the crates, lining them carefully along the sides of the cargo bay, there must have been nearly a hundred puppies aboard the ship. When Kaylee immediately set to work cuddling each and every one of them before joining the crew for dinner, he didn't have the heart to tell her that they were being shipped off to be trained and used in illegal dog-fighting rings. Jayne, of course, didn't have such reservations and was kind enough to inform her of their fate right before she started eating. She left the table without touching a thing.

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The chickens were loud, smelly, and mean-spirited. Unfortunately, if there was even one bird missing when they got to the drop-off point, they wouldn't receive the full payment, so they had to be well cared for. It was just another chore to add to the list, and most of the crew went about changing the water and the straw with only minor complaints. It was only when Book innocently asked what they were supposed to do with the eggs that Mal saw there was a perk to carrying the cargo. Everyone except River feasted on omelets that evening – she insisted that there were feathers and pieces of baby chicken floating in hers.

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It was kind of an odd job – legal but odd. One of the big collectors of artifacts of Earth That Was had passed on, and he was willing his entire collection to a museum on Persephone. His attorney hired Serenity to transport the stuff since Mal's rate was the lowest and his ship was the most unassuming. Along with the normal pieces– old rifles, paintings, furniture, and bits of junky collectibles – was a huge stuffed bear. Pure white, it stood nearly ten feet tall on its back paws, its expression frozen into a gruesome snarl; it didn't really help that it was missing one of its black marble eyes. It was so creepifying that none of the crew really wanted it just standing in the corner of the cargo bay, but they didn't quite know where to put it. Zoe finally dug out an old sheet and sort of covered it up for the rest of the trip so they wouldn't have to feel as though it were always staring at them.

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Not as bad as the Wobbly-Headed Doll Caper, but close. Toting nearly two-hundred cases of plastic dinosaur figurines had never been what Mal had had in mind when he started out on Serenity. Still, it was an easy, no-hassle job, it paid well, and Wash was in an even better mood than usual because he managed to snag himself a brand new triceratops.

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"But Cap, it might be good to have a kitty around! Take care of any vermin that make their way onto the ship and keep us company asides."

"Kaylee, this ain't a discussion. There is no way that we're going to keep a pet on board. We have Jayne – that oughta be enough hairy beasts for anyone," Mal said, holding out the offending animal to the mechanic. He'd just found the kitten in the kitchen gnawing on one of the power cords and immediately went to Kaylee for an explanation about the fluffy stowaway.

He watched her cuddle the cat for a moment before glancing back at him. "I promise to keep him out of the way – you wouldn't even know he was around, he can be so quiet. And he can share my dinner and my bunk and everythin'!"

"I said no. You can find him a good home when we dock at Prospect Point, but he's not to be on this ship when we leave again."

She held his eyes for a moment, and when she bit her lip and her eyes started welling up, Mal knew he was in trouble. Pressing the kitten to her cheek, she gave it a kiss, sighed, and looked back at him sorrowfully. He knew that look all too well – whenever she pulled it, he couldn't have felt worse if he'd kicked a passing puppy dog or smacked a baby.

He gritted his teeth and mentally dug in his heels, but when one single tear started rolling down her cheek, he was done for. Playing the Kaylee card always got things done.

"If he don't…if he don't make trouble, I suppose he can stay." She immediately grinned, and Mal did his best to gather whatever scraps of dignity he had left. "But if I so much as hear a misplaced meow, he's off this ship, dong ma?"

"Yessir, cap'n! He'll be as quiet as a mouse!" Kaylee planted a kiss on Mal's cheek and another on the top of the kitten's head. "Buttercup's just about the sweetest kitty in the whole 'verse!"

Mal felt another part of his manly bravado evaporate. "Kaylee – you can keep the cat. But you gotta change that name."