This came to me when I was bored at work. I tapped it out in script format, with the intention of coming back and adding flesh to the bones. However, I found it too amusing to pad out. IT REMAINS IN SCRIPT FORMAT.

I publish this with the sole purpose of making people laugh. The sun is shining over here in Blighty, and that's reason enough for me to make other people happy.

I am an amateur author of false name,

I borrow worlds of another's fame.

I stake no claim on recognised locations,

Neither do I own canon situations.

I merely come here to spend a while,

Reading other's work; writing my own style.

I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.

I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.

I do not mean to step on legal toes,

I mean no infringement, I'm friend not foe.

So please, do come in, relax, unwind.

I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

It is late evening. SCOTTY and a FRIEND have just come back into the Star Fleet Academy campus. They are both very drunk, and struggling to walk in a straight line. In one of the dorm buildings, CHRISTINE CHAPEL, UHURA and GAILA are bonding over red wine and pedicures.

SCOTTY (looking up as he hears laughter, slurring to his friend): Laddie! Hold it!

FRIEND: Why? Hold what?

SCOTTY: Hold yer horses, Laddie, tha's what! There's a lovely lassie up there! I might jus' serenade 'er!

FRIEND: Not if you wana get laid - cause you can't sing for love nor money! I've heard your excuse for singing in the sonic shower!

SCOTTY: Shut up! Lassie! Up there! Ye want me to sing?

CHRISTINE (peering down at the drunk men and laughing): Not really.

FRIEND: Good choice!

SCOTTY: What's a lovely windowsill doin' sat on a girl like ye, Lassie?

CHRISTINE: I'm presuming you meant that the other way around?

SCOTTY: Whatever activates your warp coils, Lassie. What are ye doing up there?

CHRISTINE: Painting my toenails.

SCOTTY (scratching head): Do yer normally do tha' sat on a windowsill?

CHRISTINE: yeah, because nail varnish smells.

SCOTTY (swaggering in a manner that he thinks looks good, but looks ridiculous): Lassie, tell me, do ye find engineers attractive?

FRIEND: and do you have a friend up there for me?

SCOTTY (turning to friend): Shut up! Yer cramping me style!

FRIEND: What style?

SCOTTY (preening a bit): I'm stylish, I am.

FRIEND: Of course you are…

SCOTTY: Aye, Laddie, I'm very stylish, I am.

FRIEND (rolling eyes): Yeah, you're on the cover of Vogue, you're so stylish.

SCOTTY (looking back up at the window): So, Lassie, do ye find engineers attractive? 'Cause, I'm an engineer, don't ye know.

FRIEND (jumping up and down a bit): Me too! I'm an engineer too!

CHRISTINE (laughing): No! I don't find engineers attractive. You're all too accident prone.

SCOTTY: Lassie! Don-nay break me heart by telling me yer one o' them God-forsaken health an' safety inspectors?

FRIEND: Freaks the lot of them, those inspectors! Wanna wrap the universe in cotton wool! The idiots think that engineering on a ship is a death trap!

SCOTTY: Aye! Freaks they are, indeed! Was nay our fault the bloody shield generator exploded!

FRIEND: No, not our fault that a mob of Kingon warbirds came after our lovely lady!

SCOTTY: Tell me yer nay a health and safety inspector - cause, Lassie, all I wana do is shove them oot an airlock!

GAILA (from inside the room): I was not aware that Health and Safety inspectors sat on third-story open windowsills to paint their toenails.

UHURA (laughing): Good point.

SCOTTY: Put me oot me misery, Lassie, tell me yer not a health and safety inspector.

CHRISTINE (giggles): I'm a nurse.

FRIEND (mock swoons): I'm really sick - come and make me better?

SCOTTY (both thumbs tucked into his belt, and sporting a cheeky grin): Sick in tha head more like… so, nursey, wanna play doctor with me?

CHRISTINE: I'll pass… shut up Uhura!

SCOTTY: Wha?

CHRISTINE: My friend is taking the piss… (turning to inside of room) I don't want to 'play doctor' with that anaesthetist! We went out to dinner to talk shop, it wasn't a date!

GAILA (moving to sit opposite CHRISTINE on the windowsill, only wearing her standard issue panties and a flimsy tank top. She's blowing on her recently painted fingernails): Why not play doctor with him? And why did you talk about medical stuff when there was a lovely specimen of man?

CHRISTINE: Because I swore off men.

SCOTTY (pulling at his hair with both hands): Nay Lassie! Don-nay say that! Tha's even worse than being a health an' safety inspector!

GAILA: You're mad! He really fills a set of scrubs well - like fills them like a porn star sort of well.

CHRISTINE: There's more to a guy than the size of his penis!

GAILA: yeah, there's technique too… but whatever - size is always good. You can always work with size.

SCOTTY (swaggering again, one hand in his front trouser pocket): I don-nay mean to boast…

FRIEND: but you're gonna do it anyway.

SCOTTY: Shut up, Laddie! Now, Lassie, I'll tell ye - and Its nay word of a lie…

FRIEND: oh, it is. Not that he's tiny, or anything… but he won't be doing porn anytime soon.

SCOTTY (turns back to his friend and ignores the chuckling ladies at the window): Hey! I saw a porn holo the other week. I borrowed it of Mitchell in the botony lab, the Laddie who needed his sprinkler system fixing, he gave me the vid after I fixed it… they were doing it on top of a lovely little docking clamp hydraulics manifold.

FRIEND: what was it like? Any good? I've watched all mine to death on the last mission. Twenty-four months is a long time.

SCOTTY: Aye, it felt like two years to me!

FRIEND: me too! That's weird, isn't it, both of us feeling like it was the same length of time?

SCOTTY: Aye! It is at that…

FRIEND: So… what was it like, the porn?

SCOTTY (getting bouncy in his excitement): amazing! I've not seen a docking clamp hydraulics manifold look so good in years!

FRIEND: I'm worried about you.

SCOTTY: Shhh! Don-nay tell the Lassie tha'! They'll think I'm weird!

FRIEND: We know you're weird!

CHRISTINE (drawing the two drunken engineers' attention back to the window): not weird, but very drunk.

SCOTTY: not very, just drunk - I can handle my drink, I can.

FRIEND: which is why he hasn't been sick.

SCOTTY: Nay! I'm nay wasting good quality whiskey by being sick! Wha' do ye take me for?

FRIEND (looking back up at the window): so, you're sure you've sworn off men?

SCOTTY: a crying shame, tha' is, a crying shame for such a lovely Lassie like yerself to nay want a man. A vision of loveliness, ye are.

CHRISTINE: Thanks for the compliment.

SCOTTY: I could complement ye a lot more - lots of complimentary orgasms.

FRIEND (looking confused): does that mean that you normally charge for them?

SCOTTY: nay! Don nay be daft! So, what do ye say, Lassie? You an' me?

CHRISTINE (laughing): I've a really nice vibrator that does the job - and I don't have to have really strange conversations with it when it's drunk.

JIM KIRK (from his window, on the floor below, leaning out and looking up): If you want the real thing, Chrissie, all you've got to do is ask! And I'll be as sober as a hangover-hypo. Plus I've got size and technique!

GAILA (completely dead pan, not looking up from where she's also painting her toenails sat on the window ledge): He has, I can vouch for that.

UHURA (laughing): Yeah, I walked in on you both vouching for it.

CHRISTINE (shouting down to Jim): Fuck of, Jim! I'm not sleeping with you - in the same way I'm not sleeping with the anaesthetist.

GAILA: Again, Why not? Why swear off men?

CHRISTINE (looking a little sad): Long story - but it didn't have a happy ending.

SCOTTY (confused, but still determined): Lassie, are we wasting our time wi' ye?

CHRISTINE: yeah, you are, but you're really sweet.

FRIEND (putting an arm around Scotty's shoulders): Awww! We're sweet! She thinks we're sweet.

SCOTTY: Ye don-nay wan' to go to bed wi' me, Lassie?

FRIEND: Or me? I'm an engineer too, you know. Good with my hands.

SCOTTY: aye, he is at that - even better with a spanner… but I oot rank him - so I'd get first dibs.

FRIEND (scandalised): you've never pulled rank in your life! I can't believe you're doing it now!

SCOTTY: If I have to, I'll pull rank and pull the carpet oot from under yer feet! All for the chance of going to bed with a lovely Lassie, like tha'.

CHRISTINE: I think all you should go to bed with tonight is a hangover remedy and a couple of glasses of water.

SCOTTY: Nay, I wanna enjoy the first decent drink I've had in two years! I want the hangover to remind me tha' I finally got me hands on some decent whiskey!

CHRISTINE: That's mad. And Bad for your liver.

GAILA (examining her nails): Really mad. So, Chris, no men because of a bad relationship?

CHRISTINE: The relationship was good, the break up wasn't.

GAILA (scowling): you humans and your monogamy!

CHRISTINE (sarcastically): Yeah… pesky little thing isn't it.

UHURA: What happened?

CHRISTINE: Well, long story short, there's a really pretty, really expensive, unworn wedding dress for sale, if anyone wants it.

JIM KIRK: Ouch. (pauses) Bones says it was a good thing you didn't get hitched.

CHRISTINE (sounding sad): Yeah, I agree with him.

JIM KIRK: Bones says to shut the window, because you're being distracting… so I'm gona come up and crash your party, because Bones is being boring.

CHRISTINE: I'll paint your toenails if you come up here, Jim, that's a promise not a threat.

JIM KIRK: Have you got beer as well as nail varnish?

CHRISTINE: No, but we've got a few bottles of really nice red wine, and several bars of really good chocolate.

JIM KIRK: Oooh, classy booze. I'm comfortable in my masculinity - or some other such shit, so who cares if you paint my toenails. I'm just bored! Bones is being all serious and no fun.

SCOTTY (shouting up): Ye can paint my toenails all ye want, lassie!

FRIEND: I'll just watch.

SCOTTY: Some strange toe-painting-fetish voyeur, are ye?

FRIEND: no, I just wana point and laugh at you.

SCOTTY: some friend ye are!

FRIEND (sounding childish, arms crossed sullenly over his chest): you just pulled rank on me! I'm not your friend any more.

SCOTTY (pulling his friend into a hug and patting his head like a pet cat): och, don-nay be like tha' Laddie…

GAILA: so, you're not into men now?

CHRIS: I'm on a diet, but I can look at the menu.

GAILA: what?

CHRISTINE: I'm looking, but not touching.

GAILA: I still don't get it.

CHRISTINE: I still find men attractive, but I'm in no rush to go out and be in a relationship - or have a one-night stand… Jim! get your shoes off my bed!

JIM KIRK (from inside): You nurses and your hygiene!

CHRISTINE: (to JIM KIRK) who knows what you've stood on!

JIM KIRK: the floor?

CHRISTINE: so, passion pink, fuchsia, aquamarine, midnight blue, French lavender, emerald, black, French Manicure or raspberry coloured toenails? Uhura will do the deed, she's good with feet.

JIM KIRK: I'll go for black. Wana do any other deeds with me, Uhura?

UHURA (laughing): That was more lame than your usual lines, Kirk. You've been so creative recently, your standards are slipping.

JIM KIRK: Can't blame a guy for trying, and I'll think up some new lines for you… So, you gonna tell me your name, yet? It'll stop me using lame lines on you.

UHURA: nope, my lips are sealed. Keep your feet still.

SCOTTY (shouting up): We're trying too!

GAILA (ignoring the other conversations going on around them): so, no more men?

CHRISTINE: haven't we established that?

GAILA: good. (proceeds to kiss CHRISTINE passionately, CHRISTINE kisses back a bit)

SCOTTY (rubbing his eyes as he looks up): Laddie, are ye seeing what I'm seeing.

FRIEND: yeah, and I'm sooo wishing I was filming this right now.

SCOTTY: aye, me too.

JIM KIRK: woah! What sort of a party is this? Why didn't I invite myself sooner?

UHURA: Keep your feet still. (looks to window) Gaila!

GAILA and CHRISTINE stop kissing.

CHRISTINE: wow, erm, thanks?

GAILA: did it work for you?

SCOTTY: screw that! It worked for me!

FRIEND: and me!

JIM KIRK: Me too!

CHRISTINE (gently kissing GAILA'S cheek): I love you to pieces, Gaila, but just not like that.

GAILA: You can't blame me for trying, either.

(CHRISTINE and GAILA laugh, remove themselves from the window ledge and close the window.)

SCOTTY: Nay Lassies! Don-nay go!

FRIEND: they've gone.

SCOTTY: Righty-o, lets bugger off to bed…

FRIEND: separate beds - we're not that desperate.

SCOTTY: nay, I love ye like a brother (looks thoughtful)… and incest is bad. Are ye my friend now? Cause, I can love ye like a friend, but one wi'oot benefits.

FRIEND: yeah, I'll be your friend again.

SCOTTY and FRIEND stumble off.

Fades to Black.