I've always been a huge fan of Hellsing, but I was never quite brave enough to write a fanfic for it. So apologies if this is a bit OoC. Keep in mind, it's set after the conclusion of the manga (I took the liberty of assuming Alucard still had the seals... which is admittedly a bit unlikely)
Hellsing is obviously not mine, and this was written for entertainment purposes only.
Today was a good day.
Integra signed the bottom of her last form and fell back against her worn leather chair with something akin to satisfaction plastered on her face. Really, this was remarkable; she had to run through her mental checklist five more times and consult her meeting book twice before realizing she had just gotten herself an evening of freedom. Everything was done. From reviewing reports, to signing for weapons shipments, to phone conferences… Integra Hellsing was officially a free woman and it was only seven in the evening.
That meant, she realized, that there was enough time to do something enjoyable. Her eyes practically sparkled as she contemplated getting that leisurely bath she had been planning for thirty years. Maybe she could start reading a new novel – something horrid that had nothing to do with vampires. By God, maybe even a romance! Seras had suggested one years ago; the vampire probably still had it. Goodness only knew she seemed to have a personal grudge against throwing anything out.
Maybe – her expression turned into a somewhat sadistic smile – maybe she would dedicate her night to pestering Alucard while he tried to do something important. See how that bloodsucking idiot liked it when the tables were turned! She could order him to cook liver and onions; with heightened senses it would be nothing less than creative torture! Her mind was awhirl with happy thoughts of revenge for all the times he had deliberately pestered her. Including just the other day when he had spent a full night in her head singing It's a Small World After All. Worse still, he had somehow coerced Seras – who was usually so very sensible and kind – to join in halfway through.
She supposed that was what she deserved for enjoying thirty years of Alucard-less peace. In a way, Integra was appalled to think that she had genuinely missed the bastard at any point. It had taken him less than a full night to remind her of why she was better off without any annoying vampiric slaves. After all, he had only returned for three hours when she awoke to find herself face-to-face with a hellhound. On her pillow. Drooling.
Alucard claimed he could no longer summon Baskerville 2.0, as she had permanently scarred the beast's "delicate and highly impressionable psyche, you fiend". Integra personally felt that perhaps if Alucard's familiars were as fluffy and pleasant as Seras's rather admittedly adorable foxes, she would not have to permanently scar their delicate psyches.
Good God, she finally had a night off and she had wasted five minutes of it arguing with herself.
Yes, maybe she could kill two vampires with one bullet (not the ones on staff – that went against the organization policy on friendly fire) and take that leisurely bath with excessive bubbles and feminine, pleasant-smelling products while reading whatever trashy romantic drivel Seras kept rooting for. Then she would annoy Alucard with great gusto, and – she was really getting into this free time thing now – maybe even deign to watch a film with Seras.
This was going to be a good night to follow a good day, she was going to make certain of that.
"Master!"
"Master!"
"Sir Integra!"
Oh bloody hell.
Before she could barricade the door to keep at least one of the disagreeable voices out of her office, the door burst open as two shadows mutated out of her walls, and suddenly there was a volley of shouting ruining her wonderful, relaxing evening to herself.
"Master, are you aware that—"
"I like how it's arranged right now—"
"He just waltzes in like he owns the bloody place and—"
"They rearranged everything! Naturally I put it all back where—"
"We rearranged? You weren't there to stop—"
"Sir Integra, I've been here for twenty-five years and—"
"I was here before you, Police girl, I think I might—"
"Oh! Oh really! Well you haven't been here in thirty years so you can shove it right up your—"
"Miss Victoria, I won't have such language before our—"
"Has my fledgling finally grown claws? Well, it took you long enough to—"
"Integra!"
She had watched this exchange in awe for several moments, surprised to see her three calmest subordinates (or rather, the two calmest) nearing a state where brawls might very well erupt. Marcus, the butler she had realized was required five years after Walter's demise, was pink in the face as he shouted over the two vampires, who appeared to have chosen to shout at each other and who were, Integra saw, coming uncomfortably close to blows.
"ENOUGH!"
Silence immediately fell, though Integra felt that may have more to do with the fact that two of the three parties had no real option but to immediately obey. Given their furious glowering, the war was now being waged telepathically, which was fine so long as she didn't have to hear it. "I believe we are all adults. However, if you would like to be treated as children, then by all means." Integra wasn't certain if they looked more shamefaced or miffed; Alucard, on his part, seemed entirely the latter while Marcus looked down guiltily. Seras seemed a blend of the two. "Thank you. Now, Marcus, what happened this time?"
She had never considered, when hiring Marcus, how Alucard would respond to a new Hellsing retainer. If she had at the time, it had only been in a fleeting moment, for the decision had been necessary for the maintenance of the rebuilt mansion. In retrospect, Integra was pleased with her choice, as Marcus had proven to be as much a blessing as Walter had been before his treachery.
Though certainly more openly outspoken than his predecessor, she had come to be quite attached to the man who, Seras enjoyed saying, seemed incapable of aging. It was true; only five years ago Marcus had gone through some admittedly rigorous trials to prove he was not immortal. The man had come under the employment of Hellsing as an elderly gentleman, and in twenty-five years Integra could swear before God that he looked no different. Same white hair, same crinkled eyes, same lined face. It was almost unreal.
"This time!" He gasped in a sarcastic laugh. "What hasn't happened yet! Sir Integra, I have been most patient. I have given up the basement – and half my supply closets therein, I'll have you know. I have allowed him to reorganize where he pleased. I let him dismantle the arms storage units until neither I nor Seras could make heads or tails of it, but this is where I draw the line!" Good God, what had happened? Marcus seemed near tears in his frustration and Seras patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.
She leaned forward in morbid curiosity, pleased in a horrible way to know that Alucard had found sport in baiting someone other than herself. "Well? Out with it!"
"He has rearranged my kitchen!" Marcus howled furiously. "I was tidying the library this evening as you know, and so I was half an hour late delivering the blood packs. Seras seemed most unbothered, and so I was foolish enough to think that…." He pointed at Alucard wordlessly, fingers twitching in absolute rage while the elder vampire sneered and growled. "That he would likewise understand! Clearly… oh, clearly I was wrong!"
"While I do appreciate the human need for exaggeration, it was hardly my fault that I couldn't find the blood." Alucard said dismissively. "You had everything in the wrong place, so I felt that—"
"I don't bloody care if you felt the virgin Mary's saggy brea—" Marcus wisely cut off when Integra narrowed her eyes at the close call. He took a deep breath and smoothed his grandfatherly mustache. "You had no reason to touch the cupboards. Or to switch food between the refrigerators. You certainly did not have to move them. The blood is not behind the fridge."
Integra kneaded her forehead, asking silently for someone to grant her just an ounce of patience. "What about you, Seras? How did you get involved in all of this?"
Immediately the blond saluted, then relaxed into glowering at Alucard again, who was looking completely offended that no one realized he was right about everything. Ah, had she really gotten used to not seeing that annoying expression after thirty years? "Well, Sir, I heard Mr Marcus's war cry—" She flashed the elderly man a small smile. "From the basement, but I only actually came up to investigate when I heard Master yelling back, and when I showed up Mr Marcus was throwing jars at Master's head. I'm afraid we lost some pickles and beets in the skirmish, Sir."
Seras took a deep – and unnecessary – breath before continuing. "Well, you know I hate it when people move things around, and Master had managed to put everything in a different place, so I guess at that point it turned into a bit of a three-way fight…" She shifted awkwardly. "Really, it wouldn't have been so bad… but everything! Even the can opener! We'll never find our way around now!"
Seven-thirty. Her free evening was slowly slipping away. Integra sighed and leaned back, ignoring the pointed look from Alucard that demanded she let him have his say. She was infinitely glad that Seras had helped her hone a series of mental shields to keep them both out of her mind. "And why did you move everything?" Integra finally asked wearily.
"Because they moved it." Alucard said so simply she didn't blame Marcus and Seras for bristling.
"It's been like that for twenty-five years!" Marcus shouted.
Alucard pursed his lips. "I was here first, therefore by common law I'm right."
Seras hid her eyes with her hands, as if not seeing him might make the aggravation fade. "You forfeited that when you left for thirty years!"
"I didn't have a choice in that, so your argument is pointless."
"So what - we were supposed to hang around for God knows how long and wait for your input?"
"Why does this even matter to you, Police Girl? You're a vampire, you don't need to use a kitchen."
Marcus jumped back into the fray then, and Integra felt her sanity slipping. "You're one to bloody talk! Why do you need it changed around? At least Seras helps with dinner occasionally!"
"I hardly need to state my reasons to a lowly human such as yourself."
Seras flustered at that and jumped forward even more, now almost chest-to-chest with the older vampire. "Don't say that to Mr. Marcus!" She warned.
"Or what?"
Choosing to let them settle their own bloody differences, Integra waved Marcus closer. "We'll have to reach a compromise, Marcus. I can't have my two strongest at each other's throats for the next twenty years because of this."
Marcus raised an eyebrow. "Twenty years? Surely you jest."
Integra sighed into her hand. "Do not doubt the ability of an immortal creature to hold a grudge." Behind the butler, both midians had phased into shadows, and appeared to be having some sort of struggle within them. Though thirty years ago she may have feared for Seras's well-being in such a skirmish, now that hesitation was gone and Integra merely hoped they didn't get blood on her floor.
"I suppose we could find a balance." Marcus admitted grudgingly. "My dear, it wouldn't have been any sort of problem to begin with had that bloody…" Again, he resorted to angry gestures to carry his sentiment. "Fanged menace only brought it up beforehand! Really! Just a quick 'Say, Marcus, I'm not keen on the way your kitchen is arranged old boy'!"
In her mind's eye, Integra could only visualize Alucard repeating the suggested statement with a monocle and cane. She stifled a soft laugh and shook her head tiredly. She would say she was too old for this, but certainly her present company won that award. "Trust me, Marcus. I believe entire wars may have been avoided had my servant deigned to ask before acting." She said lowly.
"Yes, well. I'm not bending over backwards for such a childish bloodsucker."
Integra did wonder on that. Perhaps it was simply due to thirty years of becoming disused to his presence, but Alucard did seem much more… juvenile than she recalled. She considered that perhaps it was due to having only the experiences of Schrödinger to interact with, having eliminated the rest of the mass army of souls within him. Certainly, Seras had picked up several of the late Captain's traits over the years; Integra considered revising her opinion that Seras had done this intentionally, and that perhaps it was something deeper than that.
Ah, but she had more pressing matters at hand. It was now eight o'clock in the evening, and she had yet to take that leisurely bath, read that horrid book, watch any movie, and Alucard was currently one-upping her in terms of annoyance (as per usual). "Yes, of course Marcus. I don't expect you t—Agh!" Integra let out a surprised shout when the churning shadows that had been her vampires abruptly exploded into a wave of blood, teeth, several organs and what looked like half of Vladimir's barrel. When the office was suitably covered, the two set to rearranging their various body parts bit by bit.
"Disguising a cannon inside another arm… I will admit I didn't see that one coming." Alucard said somewhat grudgingly.
Seras cracked her jaw back into place with a loud snap and flexed it. "Thirty years gave me lots of time to get creative." She replied happily, looking exquisitely pleased with herself.
"My paperwork!" Integra cried, staring at the ruined, bloodied, burning pile in horror. It was like watching her free time burning away into nothingness. Had she been of a melodramatic temperament, she may have claimed that her very heart was burning along with those sheets. "What… Y-you…What. Was. That?" She stared at the vampires in mounting rage.
"Master, the Police Girl and I chose to speed along the diplomatic process through the use of warfare and bloodshed, and we've agreed to meet halfway on rearranging the kitchen." Alucard reported in a gleeful tone, though his joy seemed to come more from her growing outrage.
"Oh no you are not." She shouted at last, causing Seras and Marcus to flinch while the bloodsucker she called a servant merely grinned wider. "You are both replicating the documents you have destroyed." Alucard's face fell almost comically. Served him bloody well right! "Properly." She stressed, knowing he would be inclined to deliberately bollocks it up to make her life difficult.
"Sir Integra, I haven't even—"
She glanced at Marcus with vexation making her eyebrows spasm. "Marcus, you will arrange the kitchen. Move exactly half of what was displaced back to its original place. It is entirely your choice what you return."
"I can't remember where—it was twenty years ago!" He stammered.
Integra rolled her eyes and walked for the door. "Just move things around. I'm certain you can handle that." She wrenched open the door, determined to have her evening and damn well enjoy it. No matter how miserable everyone else in the manor was.
"Now, if you will excuse me, I have business to attend to." Making sure to slam the door with appropriate rage, Integra glanced around cautiously before leaping off at a buoyant pace, mind resting fixatedly on that bath. And that book. And then an early to bed.
In the office, papers were being divided gradually. "I think that went rather well." Alucard mused pleasantly, currently filling out a medical form claiming that Bugs Bunny had been maimed by Frankenstein during a mission to Mars at 27:69 on March the forty-third. He had lost his third ear and an eyebrow, and was listed as 'critical condition'.
Seras peeked up from her own form with shock. "How can you do that? She told us to fill them out properly!" She asked in a somewhat mystified tone.
"I am." Alucard explained, now filling in a detailed description of the attack for good measure. "I'm filling it out perfectly. She didn't say I had to copy the originals, now did she, Police Girl?"
"You are horrible." Seras gasped, already scribbling an account of how Captain Kirk had been taken to the Dark Side in Argentina and the Hellsing Organization had sent Edward Cullen, their number one vampire agent, to his rescue. They had only received his right cuspid and a bottle of glitter when he perished. She could not, after all, allow her former master to outdo her. Her pride wouldn't allow it.
"Yes. Yes I am."