Author: Raven's Bard
E-mail: ravensbard78@yahoo.com
Pairing: BX
Disclaimer: Nothing in the Buffyverse belongs to me. Joss owns it all.
Rating: R
Spoilers: Start of fourth season
Distribution: Just tell me where it's going.
Summary: Xander's thoughts on being left out. No Anya or Riley.
Notes: Had an itch to write this. Couldn't wait. I'm still writing the New Start Universe.
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She was going to be the death of me.
I knew that the instant I saw Buffy on that sunny day only a few years ago. Walking up the steps to high school, her hair radiant and shining in the sunlight.
I nearly died the first time I saw her. Not by a heart attack or anything like that. Just a simple steel bar that I failed to see in my admiration of her. Almost cracked my head open on the steps when I landed.
That was always happening with me whether I liked it or not. Always getting hurt trying to protect her. Buffy didn't need my help that often, but sometimes I was the only one between her and certain death. I didn't let her down. And I'm only thinking of two occasions in particular.
The first time I was able to save her life, she had been drowned by a master vampire. I was the only one who could save her. Her boyfriend, Angel, couldn't because he was a vampire. A vampire with a soul, but that didn't matter. He may be able to talk but Angel didn't have the control to perform CPR. He would have probably crushed her chest or something if he'd have tried. I wasn't about to take the risk that he would hurt her. So I gave her my breath and prayed it would be enough.
It was.
Buffy survived and went on to fight the one who killed her. Boy was he surprised.
The other time I saved her was when the Hellmouth had opened. I stopped a bomb from going off below Buffy and the rest of them while they were above trying to close it. The explosion wouldn't have hurt the Hellmouth, but it would have killed all of them.
They had tried to keep me away that night. 'To keep me from being hurt' I suppose. Didn't they understand it was my choice? If I got hurt, or even killed, helping them then my life would have meant something. I didn't want to end up like dear old dad said I would: a friendless loser with no hope for a future and never make a bit of difference in this world.
It seemed the drunken slob had been predicting my future when he said that. I noticed my friends needed my help less and less after that night the Hellmouth opened. They pushed me away when I needed them.
Willow was too busy trying to prove herself to Oz. Since I was the reason their relationship was strained, she ignored me and avoided me.
Cordelia, who I was falling for until my mistake with Willow, simply acted as if I didn't exist. I know I caused her pain and while I used to want that, after seeing the face beneath her mask, I can't stand knowing I brought her pain.
Giles was too busy with the upcoming Ascension of the Mayor's. He never really needed my help, and was usually irritated at my attempts to lighten the mood. I was only trying to keep everyone from becoming bogged down in the horrors that we faced. If despair and depression hit them they wouldn't be able fight at their peak. If laughing at me would help then I'd become the court jester, but they never understood or appreciated that.
Wesley was too caught up in Cordelia to care about anyone else. He was less help than they thought I was, but they kept him around more than I.
Brood boy obsessed over Buffy so much he couldn't see my pain or anything else. Not that I would ever want his help with anything.
And Buffy.
She worried about Faith, Angel, and the Mayor. I guess I can understand her not being able to spare some time for me. I can't fault her for putting the world and her boyfriend problems above me. It was only natural for her to focus on those things first.
Just when I thought they were going to push me away from them for good, Buffy brought me back. She needed my help to organize a battle and set up some explosives. I was thrilled to be able to help them again. I thought things were going to go back to normal after that.
Summer came and went with very little fanfare, or at least very little slayage. Cordelia, Wesley and Angel left to parts unknown while Willow, Buffy, and Oz went off to college. Giles took some time to relax and I found myself stuck in my parent's basement. I didn't mind that so much as long as I could help Buffy.
For a while, that's what I did. I worked odd jobs during the day and helped Buffy slay at night. We worked well together. I distracted them and she staked them. But it wasn't long until she started pushing me away again. The nights we slayed together became few and far between.
But I didn't give up on her. I continued trying to stay with her, protecting her as best as I could. But in the end it didn't matter. Last night she pushed me away again just like the previous few weeks and went out alone.
She didn't come back.
I called the others, but they didn't listen. Willow was with Oz lately and didn't notice whether Buffy came home or not. Giles told me not to worry, there were no prophecies lately that could have caused any problems and there were no bodies found last night. None of them thought anything could be wrong.
They didn't believe me anymore.
They didn't trust my judgement anymore.
And they didn't listen anymore.
My friends were gone. For the past few hours, I have laid here in my dank basement wondering if they ever really were my friends. Willow never really knew me, she only saw the boy who was willing to befriend her when she was little. Oz never really knew me, he was too busy with Willow. Giles never really knew me, he only saw the clownish boy who often annoyed him.
Buffy was the closest to knowing me because she was the only one I let my mask down for. I tried to show her how much she meant to me, to let her see what I saw in her, but every time I did she turned away. I think she knew how much I cared, but was afraid.
Afraid she might lose me if she let me in.
A knock at my window interrupts my thoughts. Who in the world would be coming by at this time a night? I grab the stake from under my pillow as I head to the single window of my basement.
"Buffy! You're alive!" I shout joyously as I open the window. "Where have you been?"
"Hey, Xand," she replies weakly and takes her hand from her left arm showing a bloodied palm. "Do you still have that first aid kit?"
"Oh god. Get in here," I implore helping her down. I help her over to my bed tossing my stake aside before heading over to the workbench to get the first aid kit. I crouch in front of her opening the kit. "Um, we're gonna have to take off that coat and shirt so I can get to your wound."
"Sure, Xand. You just want to see me topless," she smirks as I help her out of her coat.
"Well, I'm only human," I say with a grin. The shirt is harder to remove, and in the end I have to get a small knife from my nightstand to cut it off her. "You can borrow a shirt when I'm done with this."
"You mean to tell me you've gotten me halfway undressed and you want me to put clothes back on? Who are you and what have you done with Xander?" she jokes as I seal up the gash with butterfly bandages. With her Slayer's healing, she will have it healed by tomorrow afternoon.
"Well, it's just to help you keep warm," I say as I finish and close up the kit. "But if you don't want to, I'll be more than happy to help keep you warm," I grin waggling my brow.
Buffy laughs, releasing that crystaline sound that I love to hear. "I might have to take you up on that, Xander."
What? I must have been hearing things or just misinterpreted what she meant. "What.. what do you mean by that?" I stutter out.
"I've been thinking about things, and realized how much you've done for me. Things I've never thanked you for," she says quietly. "I know you've always been there for me no matter how much I push you away and I just wanted to thank you. And ask you something."
"I don't do those things for thanks. You don't have to thank me for something that I think I have to do," I reply looking away.
"What do you mean?"
I sigh and turn back to Buffy. "I decided a long time ago that I would help you, keep you safe, for as long as I could because if I did I would have actually done something with my life. You are special Buffy. You deserve as much out of life as you can get for helping others. Night after night you protect people who don't realize what you are doing and never get thanked by the countless people you save. I think for all that you do for them you should get something for all your work. I just want to help you get your chance to get it."
Buffy gives me a gentle smile and pulls me closer. "What if I want you?" she whispers.
For a second, everything stops. I feel like someone just pressed pause on my life when she uttered those words. No breathing, no heartbeats, not even the air around us moves for a moment as I absorb the thought.
Buffy breaks the stillness as she moves forward and presses her lips to mine. I think my heart just broke the zero to sixty speed record as I surrender to the feeling. Her lips are gentle and passionate as they caress mine.
Slowly she pulls me toward her as I begin to kiss her back. I held myself over her continuing the kiss and her hands move to the buttons of my shirt. Buffy fumbled with one before giving up and tearing the shirt off me. Gotta love Slayer Strength.
Buffy rolls us over not breaking the bond of our lips. Her cool hands slide down my chest to the waist of my pants. My mind is completely focused on her lips and tongue that forces its way into my mouth. I don't try to stop it just accept it as her tongue duels with mine. After a while, she finally breaks the kiss, leaning back and find myself on a new tableau.
Somehow, while I was concentrating on the kiss, Buffy removed all our clothes. I let my eyes roam across her body and admire the pale beauty of the Slayer. My Slayer at last. Buffy moves her head down to my chest placing cool kisses over my burning flesh. She slowly makes her way to my neck and the lobe of my ear.
"I want you to be mine," Buffy whispers to me.
"I am yours," I moan out as her tongue flicks out to stroke my neck. "Always yours."
"Good," I hear her say before her fangs pierce my neck.
I begin to fade in and out of consciousness before she stops and pulls away. She draws a fingernail across her throat and pulls my head to the wound. I drink as much of the liquid as I can before Buffy lets my head rest back on my pillows. I have one last thought before I surrender to the abyss.
I always knew she'd be the death of me. I'm glad to see I was right.
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End?
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