"Today's the day." I say to myself as I walk briskly down the hall, my shoulder length brunette hair flying behind me, passing by Templars and fellow apprentices. "Today's the day I tell him how I feel. No more putting it off, I'm going to confess my feelings to Jowan." I smile, feeling giddy, butterflies in my stomach. "Just the thought of it makes me want start skipping. In fact, I think I will." I start skipping down the hall, getting strange looks from all the apprentices and mages I pass, and a few of the Templars too.
"Ah, I can just imagine how things will go when I tell him."
"Jowan, I have something great I want to tell you." I will say, smiling with just a slight blush.
"Yes Vivian, what is it?" He will ask, lifting his head from whatever book he will be reading at the time.
I'll bend down and whisper in his ear, "I'm in love with you." I'll lean back up, put my hands behind my back, sway my hips some, and blush with my cutest smile.
He'll have a dumbfounded look on his face. "W-what?" He'll ask, wanting to make sure he heard me correctly.
I'll lean back forward and give him a quick peck on the lips. "I said I'm in love with you." I'll say, smiling brightly.
A few moments will pass as he processes what I said. Then, a smile will spread on his lips. "I-I am so happy right now. I'm in love with you too. I was just so afraid you would decline me." He will stand up and embrace me in a hug, kissing me deeply as his hand runs through my hair, brushing ever so lightly against my pointy ear.
I was so lost in my fantasy that I didn't see the Templar I just ran into. We both fall down, me landing on top of him.
"Ouch, watch where you're going!" The Templar yells at me.
"Oh, sorry, I was lost in a day dream." I say cheerily. I look down at the Templar and see it's Cullen. When he looks at me he starts to get flustered and his face becomes red as he pushes me off of him.
"N-no, no, it's a-alright Vivian. My fault, t-totally." He stutters, helping me get up.
I furrow my brow. "Are you ok? You're awfully red." I put my hand on his forehead. "Do you have a fever?" I ask, my face only a few inches from his. He pushes my arm down and takes a step back.
"N-no, I-I don't have a fever." He responds, shaking his head and waving his hands in front of him.
"Are you allergic to anything? You always seem to get all flustered and red faced whenever we talk. Maybe to one of the herbs I use when I bathe. I do use a few uncommon herbs when I bathe." For some reason he started to get even redder. "Alright, that's it, I'm taking you to the infirmary." I grab his hand and start pulling him with me. "You keep on turning red every time you're near me and we are going to figure out what the problem is." He pulls his hand free from mine.
"No-no, I-I'll be fine. I'm…I'm just over heated is all. I-I have somewhere I need to be." He rushes off.
"Wait, you're sick you need to be healed." I call after him, but he turns into a room forbidden to apprentices. I cross my arms and pout. "He always runs off when we talk. Maybe he can't stand me, and his face is turning red with rage." My face turns to that of shock and I put a hand up to my mouth. "He can't hate me can he? Everyone I know loves me." I sadden. "I don't want people to hate me."
A Templar standing against the wall addresses me. "Hey apprentice. Vivian was it?" He says to me. I look over at his helmet-clad head. That type of armor always seemed so confining to me, and heavy. I don't know how they wear and move around in that stuff everyday.
"Yes." I answer sadly. How could somebody hate me, especially Cullen? He's always watching over me, like the Templars do but he's the one that watches me the most. Maybe he watches me because he hates me and is waiting for me to slip up so he can have an excuse to run me through.
"Listen, Cullen doesn't hate you." The Templar tells me.
"Then why does he always run when I try to talk to him and he becomes all red-faced?" I ask with sincere hope at knowing somebody doesn't hate me.
He rubs the back of his neck. He's silent for a moment before speaking up. "Well, it's not really my place to tell you but let's just say that before he became a full Templar he used to know an elven girl…intimately and she looked a lot like you."
I instantly brighten up. "Oh I get it. Whenever he sees me he thinks back to those wonderful nights he spent with his true love." I sigh contently. "Awwww, that is so romantic." Speaking of romance, I almost forgot about Jowan and confessing my love for him. "Oh, have you seen Jowan around? I have something important to tell him." My giddy smile and butterflies in my stomach return.
"I believe I saw him up in the Chantry, probably spending his time slacking off rather than studying or practicing his magic like he should be."
I giggle. "Aw come now Mr. Templar, there is nothing wrong with a little downtime. Besides, the privacy of the Chantry is perfect for my confession!" I exclaim happily.
The Templar chuckles. "It's good to see you mages can still find love within this tower."
"I know! I've been in love with my best friend for a year and today's the day I confess it to him!" I clasp my hands together and stare up at the ceiling dreamily. "It's going to be wonderful." I giggle again and skip off towards the Chantry. I wave back at the Templar. "Thanks Mr. Templar!"
"A confession in the Chantry, I can't think of anything more romantic." I muse to myself. I drift off into another daydream.
I will walk into the Chantry and sneak up on Jowan as he is sitting on the middle right pew, reading a scroll about Andraste. I will cover his eyes with my hands and whisper in his ear "Guess who?"
He will chuckle. "There's only one person such a lovely voice could belong too. Vivian."
I will giggle at the compliment and sit down next to him. "Guess what Jowan." I will tell him, smiling, giving a slight blush.
"You have the cutest smile in all of Thedas?" He will respond, oh so lovingly, causing me to smile and blush even more.
"Well there is that. But no that's not it." I will lean to his ear and whisper, "I'm in love with you."
He will get this huge silly grin on his face, grab me, and surprise me with a deep, passionate kiss, both of us falling down in the pew, him laying on top of me. He will reluctantly part our kiss to whisper back to me, "I'm in love with you too."
I squeal with excitement as I'm skipping down the hall. "This is going to be such a wonderful da-aahhh!" Once again, because of my daydreaming, I run right into somebody, falling right on top of them again. "Oh I am soooo sorry! I wasn't paying attention, off in a daydream. I'm sorry."
The woman laughs. "It's ok, I was young once too. From the look I'd say it's a boy that's got you distracted." I get off of her and it's not until I help her up that I realize it is Wynne.
I gasp and begin fretting, pacing back and forth. "Wynne! Oh no, no, no, no. How could I be so stupid? Not paying attention to where I was going, knocking over my own mentor in spirit healing. Now I'm going to have to cast a hundred spells as a punishment and I'll be too late to find Jowan at the Chantry and miss out on the most romantic confession ever."
"Vivian, Vivian!" She laughs, grabbing my arm to stop my pacing. "It's ok, there's no need to worry."
"But I should have been paying attention! You could have broken a bone or worse." I say, concern heavy in my voice.
Wynne just laughs even more. "Now Vivian, I'm not so old as to where I'll break a hip from such a simple tumble. You're young, and nothing quite distracts the young like love. And what's this I hear about a confession?"
My worry completely vanishes, being replaced by my giddiness and butterflies and my love struck smile. "Yes, I'm going to the Chantry right now to find my best friend Jowan and confess my love to him. It's going to be so romantic. After a year of being in love I'm going to finally confess it to him and we are going to be happy together."
"Yes, that does sound wonderful, but you must be careful, things rarely go as smoothly and easily as we plan. I've told you this before when you first started to learn spirit healing with your 'this is going to be a breeze' attitude."
"But this is different Wynne, we've been best friends since I first came here. How could he have not developed the same feelings for me? I'm absolutely positive he will love me back." I clasp my hands together again, getting that dreamy look in my eye. "And after we know our love for each other, we will spend the night together under the moonlight. It will be magnificent."
"Now Vivian," She says, now in the voice of a mentor, waggling her finger, "you shouldn't rush right into this. You don't know how he feels about you. You should find out if he shares your feelings first, or at least tell him your feelings in a subtler manner instead of just blurting it out to him. I was young and in love once my self believe it or not. You've got to be careful about how you approach this. If you make the wrong move it will not only ruin your chances at a more intimate relationship but it could also ruin your friendship."
I start to get angry with Wynne. How dare she tell me that Jowan doesn't love me? I know he does. "I've been best friends with Jowan for years." I hiss at her. "I know him better than anyone else. I know that he loves me and to hear you tell me he doesn't love me, well to be honest kind of ticks me off. I will not let anyone, mentor or no, tell me otherwise." I turn away from Wynne and walk off, clenching my fists.
"I have given you my advice, whether you listen to it or not is your choice." Wynne says out to me. Like I need the advice of some old batty woman from the Storm age. I know what I'm doing and I know how things will go. I will tell him I'm in love with him, he will return my feelings and we will be happy. We will make love under the moonlight; get leave to travel across Ferelden to further our knowledge and allow our love to grow. And when we return, we will get married and be the happiest couple in all of Thedas.
I approach the Chantry and my anger instantly evaporates, once again allowing the giddiness and butterflies to serge through my body. I reach the Chantry door and stop, feeling my heart beating faster, my palms getting sweaty. I just stand there, looking at the door, fidgeting with my hands. I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? I told myself I wasn't going to be nervous, that I was going to be strong and direct. I slowly reach up for the door, my handing shaking. I grasp the handle and I swallow nervously.
Why is this so hard? This should be easy. Just open the door, tell Jowan how you feel, listen to him confess his feelings back, and embrace each other sharing a deep, passionate kiss. So then why am I so nervous? Am I afraid, afraid that Wynne is right? I shake my head at such a ridicules thought. There's no way that ancient relic is right. I'm right; Jowan is in love with me just as much as I am with him. Things are going to go perfectly. With renewed courage I open the door and walk in, almost running right into Jowan.
"Uh J-Jowan, hi." I say with a nervous smile, my courage faltering. I didn't expect to just run right into him like this. I was hoping I could interrupt his reading or something.
"Oh Vivian, I was just on my way to find you." He says cheerily. I start to get even more nervous. He was going to find me? Was he going to confess to me first? That-that is so much more romantic than anything I can think of. My nerves fade away as the butterflies not only flutter in my stomach but also around my head. I give my cutest smile and tilt my head slightly.
"Yes Jowan, what do you need?" I ask, my lovesick voice floating around the room.
He places his hands behind his back, slowly wandering back into the Chantry, staring up at the ceiling. "I wanted to tell you something, the most wonderful thing just happened to me." He says, with what I imagine is a love struck look in his eye. I feel giddier than I've felt all day. He must have just realized his undying love for me and he's going to confess.
"Oh, what is it Jowan? Please, do tell." I say coyly, my hands behind my back, walking next to him. He stops and turns to me, grabbing my shoulders. This is it! This is the part where he tells me he loves me and deeply and passionately kisses me! I feel like my body is going to explode and butterflies are going to fill up the whole tower.
"I've met a girl!" He says excitedly, clasping his hands together, staring back up at the ceiling. I just stand there, my body completely numb, my heart shattering into a million pieces. Did-did he just…just say what I-I think he said? He…he met a girl and…and it's not me? "She is the most beautiful girl I've ever met." He continues, causing a sharp, stabbing pain all over my body, the strongest of which right at my chest. "And she has the most magnificent voice ever to grace my ears."
I feel tears streaming down my cheeks. He-he's in love with someone else. Wynne was right, he…he doesn't love me. All the butterflies within me had died. I feel empty. He turns back to me and a look of concern crosses his face.
"Vivian, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He places his warm hand on my cheek, wiping away my tears with care. If you make the wrong move it will not only ruin your chances at a more intimate relationship but it could also ruin your friendship. Wynne's words ring through my head. She's right. I-I can't tell Jowan that I'm heart broken, it will just make things complicated.
I shake my head, a forced smile on my face, wiping away more tears. "Nothing's wrong Jowan, I'm just so happy for you to…to have found someone." It hurts me so much to lie like that, seeing that love-stricken look in his eye and knowing it's not caused by me. I try to stop the tears but I can't.
Jowan seems satisfied with my answer and continues with his love ramble. "I'm so happy too! It's such a wonderful feeling. My heart feels so full, my stomach has butterflies, and I feel absolutely giddy. I hope some day you will be able to feel like this too." I already did you jerk, until you crushed my heart!
"Y-yeah." I say weakly. "I…I can't wait. I'm…sure it's a delightful feeling." Tears start falling down my cheeks again. I try to wipe them away. "I just remembered I…I have somewhere I need to be." I turn and start to walk out of the Chantry, no longer able to hide my heart broken feelings from showing on my face.
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow then." He calls out as I close the door. I rush down the halls, pushing people out of my way, tears streaming down my cheeks. I am so stupid. How could I have believed that he loved me? We've been best friends since I first came here when I seven and I'm nineteen now. If he loved me he would have told me by now. I'm just an idiot, a stupid, dumb, idiot. I reach the apprentice quarters and I fall onto my bed, crying. It's the middle of the day so there is hardly anyone in here. I just lie there crying myself to sleep. I toss and turn as I dream.
It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining brightly as me and Jowan are laughing, sitting on a blanket in the middle of a beautiful field, feeding each other strawberries. He takes a bite of one of the delicious morsels before plopping it into my mouth. He follows it with his lips pressing up against mine. I press back, pushing him down, lying on top of him. His arms encircle my waist as I part my lips from his and stare lovingly into his eyes.
"I love you Jowan." I say, smiling brightly. Jowan smiles back, but his smile slowly turns to a frown. I furrow my brow. "Jowan, what's wrong?" I ask. Suddenly it starts to get darker. I look up to see black clouds covering the sky, thunder rumbling, with lightning dancing along the surface. Jowan violently pushes me off of him, standing above me with a scowl on his face. Rain starts pouring heavily.
"I don't love you, Vivian." He says coldly. He walks off, towards a single ray of sunshine, where a shadow is standing next to it, waiting for him.
"Jowan! Please, don't leave me! I love you!" I scream, tears dripping, soaking wet, on my hands and knees, reaching out to him. He reaches the ray of light and the shadow raises one of its arms and caresses his face. When the arm makes contact with the light it becomes the delicate arm and hand of a woman. Jowan leans out of the light and kisses the shadow.
He looks back at me with the same scowl on his face. "Your love means nothing to me. I love another." As he said those words I could see cracks forming all along my arm. Cracks began to snake their way all along my body. I couldn't speak, move, or even think. Jowan and the shadow started to walk away, hand in hand, the ray of light following him. My body crumbles into dust, turning into mud from the rain.
I wake up with a start, suddenly sitting up, my eyes wide, gasping. I feel my face and look at my arms, checking to make sure I was still in one piece. I sigh in relief when I'm sure I'm not falling apart. I look out the high window of the apprentice quarters and see the sky is dark with stars shining. I must have slept through the whole afternoon. Great, I missed all my afternoon lessons. I'm probably going to be punished and have to cast the same boring spell five hundred times.
I lie back down and realize my blanket has fallen down to my lap. I don't remember covering myself up with it. Maybe one of my mentors came to scold me for not coming to my lesson and found me laying here and put it on me. I reach under my bed, grabbing the small hand mirror I keep there. It was birthday present Jowan gave me during my last birthday. I look at my reflection and see the tear stains on my face. I recall the previous day and the terrible dream and I almost start crying again.
I shake my head. No, this is no time to start crying again. Jowan is happy and that's all that matters…even if his happiness doesn't involve me. Isn't that what they say? If you truly love someone you will do what will make them happy and not yourself? I get up out of bed. I need to wash my face before going back to bed. There's a water basin in the privy, might as well go there. I head out of the apprentice quarters.
I guess the only thing I can do is hope that this girl will break his heart. And with his broken heart he'll come to me for comfort.
"Vivian!" He'll cry out, finding me studying in a secluded corner by myself.
"Jowan, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" I'll ask, tossing my book aside holding his face with care, wiping away the tears.
He'll sniff. "She…she broke up with me." He'll start crying harder and I'll embrace him in a hug, letting him rest his head on my chest. "She…she told me she found somebody more suitable to her tastes and she just…just broke up with me."
I'll stroke his head, shushing him. "Don't cry Jowan, she never deserved a man like you." I'll say softly, rocking him gently.
"But…but she said she l-loved me." I'll hug him tighter, rubbing his back. I'll lean down and whisper in his ear.
"You'll always have my love." We will sit there for a few minutes, as he calms down some. He'll sit up and look into my deep blue eyes, wiping his tears and nose off on his sleeve.
"You're right. I will always have your love." He'll gently hold my face in his hand and lean in to lightly kiss me. "And you'll always have mine." He'll whisper into my ear.
I walk slowly down the hall, smiling at my daydream. Or would it be a night dream since it's nighttime? I let out a contented sigh. "Yes, that'll be the most romantic way for us to come together yet." I begin feeling a little bit giddy as the butterflies return to life. "I can wait a few more months for us to be together." I'm almost to the privy when I notice a flash of light come from a small room used for magical training. I sneak over to the slightly ajar door and peer into the room.
I look around the dark room and see Jowan standing there. What's he doing up so late? Maybe he's just getting some midnight training in so his turn for the Harrowing will come sooner.
"Alright, let's try this again." He says to himself. He brings up a knife in is right hand and makes a cut along his left palm. I'm watching with wide eyes the whole time. Some blood floats up and he closes his eyes in concentration. The blood quickly bursts into flames before disappearing. He sighs in frustration. "Let's try it again."
I move away from the door and lean against the wall, sliding to the floor. Jowan is a…blood mage? My shocked expression slowly turns into a smirk. Seems like I'm not the only one keeping a secret. I pull a small knife I keep at my waist and prick my left index finger, a small pool of blood forms at my fingertip and lights on fire. How can Jowan not see we are perfect for each other? We've been friends since childhood and we're both blood mages. I get up and proceed to the privy, with my knowing smirk. In a few more months, things will be as they should and our love for each other will flourish.