Hello! I'm glad to be writing again. If you're curious about the absence, feel free to check my profile. Those who have read my work previously and are waiting for updates, know I am working on them!
Anyway, there simply aren't enough Leo and Donnie moments in the new series. So I'm going to make a story about them and make some part of myself feel better about it all. Thank you for reading.
Edit: Tweaked a few sentences and words, hit the wrong button. No new chapter guys, sorry! On a side note, the site's spellchecker I used as a third comb thinks determine is a complex expression. Oh dear.
"What are you afraid of?"
Leonardo flinched and slowly took his eyes away from the television, silently thankful when Space Heroes turned to commercial. He loved the episode playing: Captain Ryan had just met his father on some distant planet, the man he'd long ago believed dead. The meeting was coming up and Leo did not want to deal with Mikey's odd questioning. But Mikey's wide blue eyes didn't turn away despite the long seconds of silence, and Leo sighed.
"I don't know, Mikey. I don't think I'm all that afraid of anything."
Mikey snorted, jabbing his thumb back at Raph who was punching his bag in the corner of the living room. "Yeah, sure, and Raph isn't afraid of roaches. C'mon, Leo. I'm curious." Raphael's punching eased a bit, briefly glancing over to his brothers. Donatello paused in reading his book from his far corner of the couch, glancing up but returning to the words seconds later.
Leo rolled his eyes, turning back to the screen, but Mikey dove for the remote and changed the channel. "Hey," Leo shouted, lunging for Mikey only for his brother to backflip to safety behind the couch.
"Nuh, uh. Not until you tell me what you're afraid of." A smirk stretched across Mikey's face and he stuck his tongue out, edging a few steps back. "After all, we gotta prepare for it. You never know when you'll face another huge cockroach. Or giant whatever-you're-afraid-of." But glee bubbled into his eyes, small chuckles escaping under his breath.
Leonardo glared Mikey down, standing up and jumping for Mikey in one fluid motion. Mikey yelped and started running across the room, flipping through the channels as he passed the television again. Raphael had abandoned his punching bag completely, laughing as Leo chased Mikey around the room. Donatello didn't even look up from his book this time, a faint sigh escaping him as he flipped the page.
"Sheesh, Mikey, do you have to do this now?" Space Heroes flashed on the screen for a split second and Leo's eyes widened. "Mikey, it's back on. Give it back," he said, making a desperate grab for the remote. Mikey just stepped out of reach, leaping toward the ceiling and landing safely into a tumble across the room.
"No way, dude. Not until you tell me." Mikey's breathing was uneven but he couldn't stop from grinning. Leo growled, using the couch as a springboard to reach him.
"That's not what it's even about anymore." Leo gritted his teeth and Mikey leaned away from his outstretched hand, shrieking when Leo knocked him off his feet with a leg sweep. He rolled away, keeping the remote close to his stomach and jumping up when he was clear of Leo. Leo's eyes snapped to the television and he ground out, "Okay, I'm afraid of the Shredder."
Mikey stopped short, scrunching his face up. "Uh, yeah. No duh, Leo. We're all afraid of the Shredder."
"I'm not," Raphael said, eyes burning holes into Mikey's head.
"It has to be a different kind of fear. Like Raph and roaches. The way he just shrieks like a little girl just screams he's afraid." Mikey's smile turned devilish, sparkling eyes drifting back to Raphael. Raph fisted his hands and snarled, charging toward Mikey and tackling him to the ground.
The remote flew from Mikey's hands, arching through the air before Leo hopped and caught it in both his hands. He whirled around to the television and changed back to Space Heroes, breathing a sigh of relief when the familiar figures reappeared. Raphael twisted Mikey into a headlock, Mikey whimpering and squirming until he finally dislodged himself and sprinted for the other room, Raphael chasing after him.
Mikey's shouts for help eventually faded out and Leo sat back in front of the television, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on his knees. He could feel himself relaxing, letting Captain's Ryan's shocked expression as an old, withered man who looked like an older him crawled out of some space rock wash over him, when a small cough caught his attention.
"So... What are you afraid of, Leo?"
Swallowing, Leonardo looked around at Donnie, his eyes wide. Leo quickly looked away when he realized Don had actually stopped reading his book and was staring at him dead-on, but knew he was caught when Don moved to sit next to him on the floor.
"Why are you starting on me now? What's with everyone today?" Leo mumbled, narrowing his eyes at the screen and refusing to look over to Donnie. He could feel his brother shrug and watched as Don reached for the remote and turn the volume down. "I'm watching this-"
"You've seen this episode at least five times. I don't think missing it this once will kill you." Leo huffed, bringing his knees closer and ignoring Don. Several seconds of silence ticked by before Don said, "Would you tell me what you're afraid of if I tell you-"
"Failure, okay? I'm afraid of failure, so give me the remote and let me watch my show." Leo held out his hand and waited for the remote to be dropped into his palm, but nothing fell in. He closed his eyes and groaned, eventually looking over at Don. "Come on, I told you so will you just-"
He stopped when he caught Don's eye, his mouth snapping shut at his strange expression, like he was curious and concerned all at once. He looked away, brow furrowing and show forgotten. He wanted to ask, "What's with that look?" but his throat was too tight. He felt his cheeks warm and made to get up when Don's voice stopped him.
"Why are you afraid of that?"
Anger bubbled hot in his stomach until Leo caught the tone behind Don's question. It sounded neutral; no snideness or even perplexity. If anything, it was Donnie's curious voice. The one he used whenever he discovered something new that he knew little about.
Leo didn't look back at him though. Just stared at the floor, trying to find the right way to say it, or wait for Donnie to leave the room. Whichever happened first. But as the silence stretched on and Don continued to stare at him without saying a thing or making a move, Leo decided to turn the tables on him.
"Well, what about you? Aren't you afraid of failure?" Leo finally met Donatello's eyes again, thinking he'd finally found a way to escape. But Don's eyes brightened, an odd smile forming.
"No, I don't think I'm afraid of failure. Maybe in a high-risk sort of situation, like the bombs..." Donnie trailed off for a second, shuddering as he remembered the Kraang's mutagen bomb. "But I'm not afraid of general failure."
Leo blinked, tilting his head to the side. "Wh-what do you mean? How can you not be? I mean, with all the inventions and things you make, don't you worry about things not going right? Something falling off or maybe exploding-that's happened a lot." Donnie glared at Leo for that, but he shrugged it off. "It's true, Donnie. And don't get me started with April-"
"Don't. Not you too. Let's not," Donnie paused, looking up for a second before nodding, "Well, I guess that can work for this too."
"What?"
"You want to know right? Why I'm not scared of failure." Donatello waited for the reluctant nod from Leonardo before saying, "Well, think back to what I told you before. After you're whole, 'Failure is not an option' thing."
"Yeah, I remember your 'retort' pretty well. Failure- "
"...is always an option." Don nodded, smiling a bit. "I said it because it's true. And sure, I worry about my inventions failing. But I'm not scared of it. If I was scared or afraid about whether an invention would work correctly, or work at all, or not blow up half my room, I'd of never invented anything at all."
Leo's mouth parted at this, but Donnie pressed on, his eyes misting over. "I mean, do you think I get it right on the first try?" Don chuckled, shaking his head at such a thought. "No way. I have to fail over and over and over again before I find the successful way to do things. How much powder to put in the smoke bombs, which wire you're really supposed to hook up, all that. I need to fail at it a lot before I get it right. I just try not to let you guys in one that part."
Donatello took a deep breath, stretching his hands out on the floor behind him and looking at the ceiling. "And my, well, trying with April? The awkward hug attempts and the lines and all that? How am I supposed to know what works and what doesn't if I don't try it? I can't find success if I don't find failure first." Don's cheeks darkened, eyes firm on some spot ahead of him.
Leonardo shook his head, staring down at the floor. "Don, think about it. That works for you because you're not the leader. I have to make the big decisions, the ones that determine whether we live or die. If I fail there, then-then you guys could all..." Leo slammed his eyes shut and turned away so his shell faced Donatello. Donnie looked back over, his gaze softening.
"It's not all that different. I've had to make a few life-or-death choices. Or do bombs not count? And...believe it or not, despite how scared you are of it, you've already failed a lot yourself."
Leo started, whipping around and glaring at Don. "How have I failed? If I failed, you guys would-"
"I'm not talking about huge failures," Don said, shaking his head at his brother. "But some of your plans wind up falling apart or hitting missteps and snags and everything. And those, believe it or not, are small failures on your part. You could really say that anything that isn't success is failure."
Leonardo stared at his brother, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to find the words. "B-but I'm...I'm afraid of the big failures, Donnie."
Donatello looked down at his lap, a small smile on his face. "Of course you are. You're our leader and big brother, and you want us to be safe. But, Leo, everyone's afraid of those big failures. Like the Shellraiser? I was scared it would fall apart or the Kraang...well, it sort of came true anyway. But I was scared about it, about that kind of failure. And you, you're afraid of losing to the Shredder again, or making the wrong moves at the wrong time and things like that. And that's fine, you're supposed to be afraid of those things," Don said, waving his hands at the air.
"But-"
"The important thing is making sure it doesn't stop you from trying anyway. From making a move or a decision or something like that. Little failures help avoid big failures, and little failures only happen if you do something." Donatello met Leonardo's eyes, the stare hard. "And you've been doing that a lot, making the decisions and everything. So this fear isn't as bad as you think it is." Don said, waving his hands at the air.
Silence came again, and this time Leonardo didn't try to come up with a rebuttal. He slowly stretched his legs out in front of him and sighed, pinching the space between his eyes. "I thought I was supposed to be the big brother here?" he said eventually, a wry smile sneaking on his face. His shoulders relaxed, eyes flickering to the screen as the credits to his show rolled.
Donatello chuckled and punched Leo's arm before he stood. "Aw, come on. I kind of like doing it too. And you listen to me more than Mikey."
Leo laughed, watching Don as he pushed himself up and headed for the doorway. "True enough. But, Don?" Leo's heart kicked up when Don paused, glancing back at him. Leo wondered why he was so nervous. Don said he could ask. Technically. "What are you afraid of?"
Don winced, turning his head so Leo couldn't see his eyes, resting his hand on the wall beside him. Don's eyes fell to the floor while Leo swallowed, opening his mouth to take back the question when Don said in a flat voice,
"Loss."
He left before Leo could pick apart the meaning.